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Finding a Rose

Rose despises a certain blue Pegasus that comes in each morning to chat and eat. He tells her all about his mare problems. And she doesn't really care, what she wouldn't do to get rid of him. But fate has a different idea in mind.

Chapters (2)

Rose sells a rose · 10th Mar 2016 · 1,452 words
1,452
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The Stallion Of The Hour... SorRawr · 29th Nov 2016 · 668 words
668
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Comments ( 3 )

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fallen starr

fallen starr #1 · Mar 10th, 2016 · · · Rose sells a rose ·

Hey! So the premise of this story seems interesting, and I can tell that you've put some effort into it, but it could use some work. You have Randomly Capaltalized Words all-over the place in the first part, and there are places where you have a lowercase letter when you need an uppercase one.

Another thing I noticed was your description. It seems like you're trying to add details, but you're simply stating them instead of letting them live. For example, in the beginning when you wrote "She distinctly remembered the look on her sister's face when she realized that she forgot to add the C."
Instead of simply saying that, maybe say something like, "She remembered the sheepish look on her sister's face when she realized that she forgot to add the C." That gives more of a visual for your readers.

As I said, you got what seems to be a solid idea, and with a bit of editing this will be a really great story.

anonymouswolf