Rainbow Dash Eats a Kitten

by Shark8

Chapter 6: Justice, with a Side of Kittens

Chapter 6: Justice, with a Side of Kittens
(Or Kittens, with a Side of Justice.)

Silver Star looked down at her cute filly, Scootaloo, asleep on her bed. The little orange pegasus was just so adorable, especially when she was dreaming like she was now: with her legs and wings making small twitches and talking in her sleep.

“Is…Rn-bw Dash…” Scootaloo said in her sleep, smiling as she did.

“Sweetie, it’s time to get up.” Silver Star said, waking Scootaloo up.

The orange filly reared up and let out a big yawn, the sort that made Silver Star want to yawn herself, and after a few moments blinking she hopped out of bed.

“Today’s the day!” Scootaloo exclaimed, as she jumped out of her bed — it was the first time she was going to see Equestria’s judicial system in action, the day she would see The Trial of Rainbow Dash!

* * *

Equestria’s legal system was ancient, revered, esteemed… in short, it was a venerable institution with roots going back to Discord’s reign, or perhaps further. As such, it always drew a crowd when a high-profile case was to be brought up, and what could be more high-profile than the trial of the Element of Loyalty?

Celestia smiled her serene smile as she took her place at the Judge’s Table, along with her sister Luna. The Table was a great slab of marble, representing the stability of the justice system, the weight of its responsibility, and the hard reality of justice — or at least that’s what Celestia had told ponies when she’d ‘inherited’ the mantle of “Ruler of Equestria” from Discord. The truth was that she rather liked how the polished surface gleamed and the patterns of the marble swam beneath the light’s reflection.

“BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!” Luna said, properly using the Royal Canterlot Voice… the Official Shouting in the Court was still a much-respected tradition that survived even after its use in the royal courts had fallen out of favor.

Obediently several of the gold-clad guards left, only to return with the rainbow-maned pegasus minutes later, her gaze nervously passing across the crowd of spectators as her bound wings showed the twitches of struggling, though every so often she would wince and bring a forehoof to her stomach.

“BRING FORTH THE WHEEL OF JUSTICE!” Luna said, and another group of guards disappeared to retrieve the device.

“You, Rainbow Dash, stand in this court accused of catnapping!” Celestia said, rising to her full height which, added to her raised position, meant she was towering over the pegasus — say what you might about Discord, but he certainly had an eye for theatrics.

“O-only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays!” Rainbow Dash protested, hoping that the court would recognize the Official Nap Days of the Ponyville Weather Team, “and when I’m really tired!”

“SILENCE!!” Luna said, raising an accusing hoof to point at the accused.

Just then the guards came in, dragging behind them a wheel which was sectioned off into various labeled segments and had an indicator resting at one point.

Celestia sent a blast of magic down to the Wheel of Justice, setting it spinning and cuing the spectators to begin the Official Wheel of Justice Chant:

“Wheel of Justice, turn, turn, turn;

tell us if this mare should burn, burn, burn!

Give us entertainment, for this we yearn;

validate now our concern!”

The wheels turning had slowed to the point where the segments were readable, things like “Trial by Fire”, “Jury Trial”, “Burn at the Steak”, “Aquaman”, “Trial by Kittens” were written thereon and passing under the indicator.

“Um, sister, what exactly is ‘Aquaman’?” Luna asked as she leaned over and quietly inquired.

“I… I don’t know, Luna.” Celestia replied, “In all the time we’ve been using it I’ve never seen that one come up.”

Luna nodded, reached a hoof down and slowed the wheel down, putting a little extra breaking on it when the Aquaman segment was about to come under the indicator.

“AQUAMAN!” Luna announced to the spectators, who apparently hadn’t seen her cheating — or didn’t care.

Suddenly there was a bright flash and standing tall and proud, clad in green and gold, and in all his bearded glory was Aquaman!

Looking around at the setting he noticed: the large clearing filled with ponies or all sorts of bright, nearly offensive, colors; a game-show wheel; a giant stone table with the words “I’m Judging You” emblazoned thereon; and the beings sitting behind the table were interesting, too — they looked like some combination of pegasi and unicorns and, if the crowns were anything to go by, were some sort of royalty.

All this together was enough to clue the hero onto why he had been summoned — it happened with the other super-heroes from time to time, and now it was his turn to show an entire race what Justice was really about!

“Outrageous!” Aquaman exclaimed, thrusting his fist to the sky in excitement. This was going to be awesome, at least twenty percent more awesome than Batman’s story.

So, there was only one thing for him to do; taking a deep breath he thrust himself into action, belting out a powerful and invigorating song about Justice that he would later refer to as Aquaman’s Inspiring & Instructional Song of Justice, which was similar but not congruent to Aquaman’s Rousing Song of Heroism.

The point of the Judicial is to search out the truth,

administer justice increased security and wealth,

it makes safe society for our elders and youth;

expunging the filth is a fount of community health!

Listen now to my song:

Is it more desirable to punish those who do wrong,

or to keep from harm the guiltless?

Such a question is not thoughtless!

When you come across a house with a thief,

do you burn it down while the others are asleep?

Certainly removing him is a social relief!

But at what cost, if the innocents are lost?

Why, it’s justice that keeps us from becoming jackboot thugs!

To hold as sacred the righteous dispensation of punishment,

but for the guilty we can’t just have lollipops and hugs!

This is the proper problem of any government!

A heavy hand, making a lawbreaker of all…

will make the people grumble and the government fall!

But making everything unregulated by the law,

…that is a fatal flaw!

And as the last strains of the song’s final refrains concluded there was another flash and the mighty defender of the seven seas vanished leaving only the memory of his glorious song.

“I-I’m so confused, sister.” Luna said, looking utterly perplexed by everything that had just happened.

“Shhh… It’s ok Luna, it’s ok.” Celestia said, using a wing to embosom the younger alicorn, “It’s just one of Discord’s jokes… I think.”

Reaching down Celestia gave the wheel another spin — this time it would give the proper method of trying Rainbow Dash, she was sure — And, indeed, it was.

The wheel had come to rest on the most poetic of trials for justice: trial by kittens.

Celestia cleared her throat.

Luna didn’t seem to notice, still blabbering about being confused, so Celestia elbowed her in the ribs.

“Oh!” Luna said, her attention drawn back to her role in the Court, “TRIAL BY KITTENS!”

Luna waited for a drama-filled breath before using the Royal Canterlot Voice again: “BRING FORTH THE KITTENS.”

One of the guards came forward, passing off a burlap sack containing a score of kittens. Celestia nodded in acknowledgment before she summoned magic to herself and blasted the ground, digging a deep hole — nodding to the guards they threw Rainbow Dash into the makeshift oubliette, followed shortly by the sack of cats.

“Eat them all and you will live!” Celestia declared, glad that it wasn’t burning her at the steak… the ponies often found it unnerving and disturbing having to slaughter a cow, and cooking a slab of it’s meat, and being forced to eat it while still hot to determine a pony’s guilt or innocence. (If it didn’t burn them they were guilty, so it was always in their interest to try to eat the steak as quickly and recklessly as possible — more than a few ponies had died choking to death on their trial.)

* * *

Down in the oubliette, the stomach pain that Rainbow Dash had been experiencing came to fruition as the bright red beam of a laser shot out, cutting a clean hole in the pegasus’s side and allowing a black and white kitten to fall out.

Somewhere up in the stands a young pony with a big bow in her mane yelled out in happy surprise “Double Oh!”

Realizing that she now had a chance to eat all these delicious kittens without exploding Rainbow Dash relished dropping each of the kittens down her throat, and when they plopped out her side she’d gobble them up again — it was like infinitely delicious fun… Rainbow Dash wondered why all her punishments couldn’t be like this before she remembered the time that Pinkie had made an “all you can eat” special at Sugarcube Corner before Mr. and Mrs. Cake put a stop to it… apparently forcing the customers to eat until they exploded was bad for business.

Author's Note:

About the song... I'm so sorry.
(I realize that if it were possible, I'd have negative talent in that area.)

Comments

[nightwalker]

I was wondering if Burn at the Steak was a misspelling or not...

[Shark8]

5690426
It was at first, but then I thought let's roll with it.
(After all, it's a judicial system put in place by Discord...)
And that is how you retcon something!

[boombox89]

What... just... WHAT? Still, very good chapter anyway. Can't wait for more!

[LeapingEquine]

5690426
Apparently it's a joke.
They're not burning at stake like normal, instead they're burning at steak by being forced to eat a burning hot steak.

[ghost8472]

So... she's guilty of eating the kittens, as she is unable to eat the kittens to prove her innocence?
(assuming kitten eating follows the steak paradigm)

"smiled her serene" instead of "smiled here serene"