Rainbow Dash Eats a Kitten

by Shark8

Chapter 4: A Chowder of Cats

Chapter 4: A Chowder of Cats
(Or Now Walk the Cat Back.)

Wong Wok or, as he was known when away from work, Long Walk, woke with a start and the cold, dark room he found himself in only served to reinforce his terror. In his lap he felt something move… it was alive!

More panic flooded his senses as the unknown creature(s) moved about, all he knew about it was that it was warm and furry, and without any light it was truly terrifying.

There was a creak, from a door opening, which seemed to be a scream, amplified by adrenaline saturated organs and suddenly there was light! Bright, painfully so, as a figure appeared in the doorway, silhouetted in the most terrifying way.

Wong Wok felt himself swallow and squirm trying to escape his bonds — bonds that he now realized were holding him to a rather uncomfortable chair.

“How many kittens do you see?” the voice came out, it would have sounded soft in a more natural setting but here it was loud, demanding, and it would not be denied.

Glancing down, still blinking his stinging eyes, Wong Wok looked down at the creature that he’d felt in his lap… he saw kittens, and there was only one thing he could do.

“There! Are! Four! Kittens!” He yelled at his captor, throwing as much anger and conviction into his voice as he could, hoping it would mask the terror and uncertainty.

“Very good, we know that you can count now…” the voice said, then continued... or was it a new voice? — Wong Wok couldn’t be sure.

“So, why don’t you begin by telling us how you’re putting the townsponies’s cats into your ‘authentic Chinese Cuisine’, hm?”

“I’m not!” Wong Wok yelled, struggling again at his bonds, “Gao the Gryphon is the cook! I’m just the delivery-guy, I don’t even get to go in the kitchens!”

“Lies!” a new voice said, only to be given a harsh glare by the pony in the doorway, as a head wearing a bow became visible momentarily.

The first pony pushed it back, stage-whispering “Quit it Apple Bloom, you’ll ruin the effect!”

“But I wanna interrogate ‘im too, Sweetie Belle!” came the reply.

“Yeah! I want to help too!” another voice joined in.

“No! Scootaloo, put the bolt-cutters down.” The voice from the silhouette said, addressing the third pony, “I don’t care if it was in the ‘Methods of the Mafia’ book you got with your hat.”

The third voice mumbled something that Wong Wok couldn’t make out.

“Yeah, it is a cool hat!” Apple Bloom chimed in.

“But a cool hat’s got nothing to do with being an interrogator!” Sweetie Bell stamped her hoof in frustration at her friends.

“But Gummy does!” Pinkie Pie said, popping out of nowhere and holding her pet alligator.

“What?” Sweetie Belle asked, utterly dumbfounded both at Pinkie’s arrival and her the content of her message.

“Alligator, investigator… they’re both ‘gators.” Apple Bloom explained.

Sweetie Belle resisted the urge to groan, especially because somehow it made a weird, twisted sense — and Pinkie making sense could mean she was losing her mind, and that thought really disturbed Sweetie Belle.

The awkward atmosphere was broken by an alarm going off and Pinkie pulled an alarm-clock out of her mane and proceeded to freak out over what she saw, “Oh, I’m going to be late, so late!”

“Um, for what?” Apple Bloom asked.

“There’s a ‘You’re Going Away Forever’ party that I need to throw at the cemetery.” Pinkie explained.

“You mean a funeral?” Sweetie Belle deadpanned after it dawned on her what Pinkie was saying.

“You betcha, I’m putting the fun into funeral!” Pinkie said, and with an enthusiastic wink-and-nod ‘bye’ she was off… very off indeed.

The calmness that filled the void after Pinkie’s passing was both welcome and needed, the three fillies and their captive basked in the glorious silence for a few moments until Scootaloo remembered something.

“Weren’t we in the middle of interrogating him?” Scootaloo said, indicating their captive with the small alligator in her hooves — pushing him forward so that he could bite their captive’s hoof.

“Alright, talk! Tell us everything you know about kittens!” Scootaloo said.

“And the eating thereof!” Sweetie interjected, upset at Scootaloo upstaging her position as interrogator.

At this point Wong Wok burst into tears, ready to confess everything.

“My name’s really Long Walk, the management wanted something that sounded ‘authentic’ so they renamed me Wong Wok… and my cutie mark’s not really a Wok, they just make me wear a decal over me real one! And, one time, I swapped out the fortune in a cookie with one that said ‘Enjoy Your Last Meal’ — , I’m sorry! So, sorry!”

To his bemusement one of his captors giggled, followed shortly by another.

“That’s pretty funny, what happened?” One of them asked.

“I don’t know, I just delivered it like I was supposed to!”

“You don’t know anything?”

“No! All I know is that I was surprised when Rainbow Dash answered the door…”

“And? And!”

“And what!? I just thought it was weird that she’d say that the food smelled ‘Zazzlicious’ or something like that!”

“Hey, Scootaloo, bring Gummy back here!” Apple Bloom called, beckoning for the Alligator Interrogation unit, which caused Long Walk’s terror to redouble. (There is a reason why there is so much science fiction about rogue AI units.)

And from there his confessions became more and more incoherent.

* * *

Rainbow Dash was worried: the Crusaders were closing in on her. She just knew it. Sure, she’d thrown them off the trail by pointing them in the direction of the new Chinese restaurant, but she had to find some way to make it stick. That’s when she saw her friend Applejack loading up her cart to end a day at Ponyville’s market and she had a wonderful idea.

“Hey Applejack!” Rainbow Dash said, greeting the too-orange pony.

“Hi Rainbow Dash.” Applejack said, slipping into the harness and starting the walk home, “What’re you up to?”

“Hm, just a little concerned about Apple Bloom and the other Crusaders.” Rainbow Dash said, conspicuously telling the truth to the element of honesty.

“Oh, what’s wrong.”

“Well, you know they’re investigating the pet disappearances, right?”

“Sure do — darndest thing, that.”

“Well, they seem to think that it’s related to the new Chinese place in town.”

“Cāntīng mă māo?”

“Yep, that’s the one.”

“It’s the only Chinese restaurant in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash.” Applejack sighed.

“Well, yeah, but that’s not the point,”Rainbow Dash said, ready to tell the truth to her friend in just a way to make “I can guarantee that these pet disappearances weren’t happening before they opened their doors.”

“And what’s this got to do with Apple Bloom and the fillies.”

“Well, don’t you think it’d be upsetting if they found out that they put ponies’s pets in their food?”

“Well, I reckon so.”

“So, shouldn’t we check it out and take care of it instead of letting them find out?”

“I guess.” Applejack shrugged, she didn’t really like gettin’ into other ponies’s business.

“Great, meet me in the alley behind the restaurant at seven, ok?” Rainbow Dash said, taking to the air in excitement.

“Sure.” Applejack said, with enough enthusiasm to give Maude a run for her monotone money.

“Say, I’ve been wondering, is there any sort of apple that you don’t like?” Rainbow Dash asked as she settled back to the ground.

“Sure is.” Applejack said, much to Rainbow Dash’s surprise.

“What is it?” Rainbow Dash asked, curious as to what the apple-themed pony would answer…

“Pears.” came the reply.

“Applejack, pears aren’t apples.” Rainbow Dash said, dryly relating the facts to her friend.

“‘Course they are: they’re roundish, like an apple. Greenish, like an apple. Have thin skin, like an apple. Have white meat, like an apple!” Applejack said, informing Rainbow Dash on just how similar to apples pears were — obviously because they were apples, “But they just taste too darn funny!”

“That’s because they’re pears.” Rainbow Dash said dryly.

“Exactly!” Applejack said, nodding.

Rainbow Dash shook her head, dumfounded that Applejack thought that pears were a sort of apple.

* * *

“This is really good!” Apple Bloom said, reaching for more of the Chinese food to put on her now-empty plate, and glancing over at Scootaloo who was munching away at her share, still upset that she couldn’t find Zazzles anywhere.

“Yeah, I know!” Sweetie Belle replied, sauce staining her muzzle, “I’m really glad that Rarity let us have these leftovers.”

Scootaloo didn’t say anything and instead finished off her portion before reaching for the fortune cookie in the middle of the table. Breaking open the crispy cookie she read the message and was overcome with a sense of forlorn doom: ‘Enjoy Your Last Meal.’

“Guys! Guys! It’s Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo gasped, the realization bursting from her lips.

“Yes, being awesome… we know.” Sweetie Belle said in her best unenthusiastic and deadpan voice.

“No, she’s the one who’s been causing the disappearances.” Scootaloo said, rushing the explanation, “She said that it was Zazzlicious, remember?”

“Hey, that’s right!” Apple Bloom said, remembering the information that their interrogation had revealed.

“So, what are we going to do?” Sweetie Belle said, pulling out he pad and paper, “We’ll need some solid evidence.”

“I have a plan!” Apple Bloom said, rushing out of the kitchen and into the Botique’s main room where the kitten’s basket still sat.

Reaching in she pulled out the black and white tuxedo-cat and said, “Double Oh, are you ready to embark on a dangerous mission in solemn and secret service for her majesty?”

“Mew.” Came the response, with all the weight that that carried.

Author's Note:

From this CatStuff webpage of “cat-ch phrases” —

Clowder of cats - a group of cats
There is a 15th century reference to clouder and later crowder in the book of St Alban. It meant a variety of things but mainly a crowd, or cluster, clotting, coagulating. It appears to be a word which predates the Mayflower pilgrims who sailed from Plymouth by a couple of hundred years.

(Click the pic.)

Comments

[Rain Nero]

That Gummy picture is downright nightmare-inducing...

[Shark8]

5670593
-- All the better for interrogation, no?

[PokemonVirus]

GUMMY WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

[Banana Prince]

As far as crackfics go, this looks decent. I haven't even read yet, but what's drawing me in is the fact that there's multiple chapters.