The Equestrian Edda

by Grey Ghost

Sass Vs Snark

“You know Rarity, not that I’m not supportive and all but, we’re here for more than just this, ya know,” Jason commented as he munched on a sandwich, watching the girls as they gushed over Rarity and her new boutique. Chrysalis, standing next to him, just rolled her eyes.

“I still don’t actually understand this ‘fashion’ nonsense.” Chrysalis frowned, glaring at the racks of clothing behind the refreshment table. “It’s just clothes, who cares what they look like?”

“Don’t you wear clothes?” Gilda asked, pouring herself some punch.

“I only wear clothes when something important happens... like politics...” Chrysalis hissed, scowling. After months of ruling Valhalla with Jason and Rarity, the empress had come to despise the whole concept. In a hive, if something needed to get done, it got done, there was no arguing and bickering over if there was even a problem, how to fix it, how much it would cost, or who would fix it.

“I don’t get fashion either, but it makes Rarity happy...” Jason just shrugged, leaning back on the table.

“Ooh! I’m so excited I could just sing!!!” Sonata bounced up and down, currently in her pony form.

“Yup, that's why you're here, just not right now okay? Wait until the customers start coming in.” Jason instructed, to which the eager little siren nodded. “Good...”

“I never could have gotten the boutique ready for the grand opening without the help of my new manager Sassy Saddles!” Rarity’s voice drifted over, catching the group's attention. A cerulean unicorn walked into view, her face in a clipboard. She blinked, looking up at them.

“Bust my buttons, Rarity! The ponies from Ponyville!” she exclaimed, looking the group over. Most just fired off greetings while Gilda and Chrysalis glared at her.

“I don’t like her...” Chrysalis muttered, snorting a little, narrowing her eyes at the new arrival.

“You just met her.” Jason rolled his eyes, moving toward the mare. “Nice to meet you Sassy, I’m Jason, Rarity’s husband.”

“Oh my! What a gentlecolt!” Sassy smiled, “Rarity is one lucky mare.”

Jason just smiled. “I suppose she is, I’m sorry I can’t stick around but, Twilight, Gilda, Chrysalis and I have to get go-”

“Nonsense, Jason.” Chrysalis came over, closing his mouth with her magic. “I’ll stay here with Rarity, you three go deal with your damned politics.” She released Jason’s mouth, earning her a glare.

“Fine, just try and keep Sonata in line...” He motioned for Gilda and Twilight to follow, walking out of the building.

“I’ll see you girls later.” Twilight briskly followed after him, leaving Gilda for a moment.

“Later babe.” The griffon winked at her lover before catching up to Jason and Twilight, glad to be out of that frou-frou place. “So... what are we doing again?” Gilda asked, her guards moving from their positions outside the door to follow them.

“We’re going to have a council meeting over what to do about Surt,” Jason informed her, for what felt like the tenth time that day. “We have to have some kind of plan to deal with him and if he attacks again.”

“Surt’s that...” Gilda snapped her talons a few times in thought. “That uh...big fire dude right?”

“Yes, Gilda, that's the big fire dude.” Twilight rolled her eyes, shaking her head. “Do you even pay attention at all?”

“Hey! It’s not my fault you go on about boring stuff!” Gilda huffed, clicking her beak. “You know how hard it is to just memorize all the weird names you throw at me!?”

“Okay...” Twilight cleared her throat, quickly thinking of a new topic. “So, how is Griffonstone coming along? I heard the first wave of workers arrived.”

“Yeah, they arrived last week. Bunch of earth ponies. Celestia said they were the best she could find.” Gilda nodded. “She also came through on the bits too, actually got those lazy assholes to do something. Maybe all the work will make them give a crap about their homes.”

“Chrysalis told me she assigned one of the smaller hives to help out as well.” Jason looked down at her. “How’s that going?”

“Better than I thought. The fact that changelings just work and don’t use bits might be a problem later... I have to make sure the fat hens don’t abuse the free labor.” Gilda huffed but then smiled a little. “Pinkie’s baking tips helped though, place is less... assholey...”

“I don’t think that's a word,” Twilight chimed in.

“Yeah well, I made it a word.” Gilda looked back at one of her guards. “Remind me to add that to our dictionary.”

“You can’t do that!” Twilight exclaimed, her eyes widening.

“Hey! I’m a queen! I can do whatever I want, dweeb.” Gilda laughed. “Just try and stop me!” Jason just chuckled, putting his hands in his pockets, watching the two of them argue back and forth.

---

“Ah! Son of a whore!”

Sunset Shimmer blinked as she stepped out of the bathroom, wearing just a towel. Today had been a gym day and upon returning home, she had decided to jump in the shower. Moving into the kitchen, she spotted Hughes clutching his thumb, shouting out a stream of obscenities.

“Uh, Hughes? What are you doing?” she asked, an amused look on her face.

“I was tyrin’ to make us something to eat but I cut me damn thumb!” he growled, looking at her. “Can ya get me a band aid or something?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” She bent down, pulled open one of the drawers of their counter, and found a box of band aids. “Here, let me see your hand.” She opened the band aid up and quickly placed it over his cut. “There, that better?” she asked with a teasing smile.

“Yes Mom, it’s all better.” He rolled his eyes, but was unable to keep the smile off his face.

“Good.” She leaned over and planted a kiss on his cheek. “I thought you were going to order out?”

“Yeah but I figured it’d be more special if I cooked ya something.” He smiled, kissing her back. “Don’t know how to cook worth a damn, but worth a shot, yeah?”

“Oh Hughes, you know how to make a girl feel all warm inside.” Sunset laughed, shaking her head. “I’m just going to order us some pizza.”

“Get some bacon on it,” Hughes called as she walked over to the phone. He thought for moment before smirking. “Maybe dinner and a show?” he asked, winking at her.

“And what kind of show would that be, hm?” she asked, a smile worming its way across her face.

“I think you know...” Hughes shot back, grinning in return.

“Yeah well, we’re not that far along Hughes, so keep it in your pants.” She shook her head, picking up the phone and ordering their pizza. Hughes just watched, taking in her curves, mentally stripping her towel off. “Hey, I’m going to get changed,” Sunset spoke, breaking Hughes from his trance. “Keep an ear out for the pizza?”

“‘Course, love.” He nodded, getting up and stretching. Sunset moved off toward their room while Hughes flopped down on the couch. He grabbed the remote, turned it on, and flipped through the channels. “Bloody hell, why do I even bother? Nothing good on TV in this damn place...” he grumbled, settling on one of the less offensive sitcoms. “What I wouldn’t give for some M*A*S*H...” he sighed, lounging around, waiting for either the pizza to arrive or Sunny to come out.

As luck would have it, Sunny came out first, having changed into her pajamas.

“Bit early for those ain’t it?” he asked, removing his feet from the couch so she could sit down.

“Maybe, but we’re not going anywhere tonight.” She plopped down on the couch, snuggling up with him. “So, whatcha watchin’?”

“I dunno, some stupid show about a talking dog.” He shrugged, putting his arm around her. They sat there quietly for a few moments before Sunny spoke again.

“So... the Friendship Games are coming up soon...”

“Friendship... games?” Hughes asked, staring at her as he processed what she just said. “That sounds incredibly fucking lame. How do you win that? Having the most Facebook friends?”

“Well, I have no idea what Facebook is but the Friendship Games are a series of contests between Canterlot High and Crystal Prep. It’s held every four years and I was thinking about signing up,” Sunny explained, getting comfortable.

“Let me guess, you want me to sign up as well?” He sighed, running a hand down his face. “Really Sunny? I can barely stand going to school as it is. The only reason I go in the first place is because those freaks with the legs threatened to call child services on me...” He snorted. “I already went to fucking high school...”

“No, Jason did,” Sunny corrected, poking his chest. “Just because you got his memories, doesn’t mean that any of that knowledge applies to this world.”

“Alright, alright, if it pleases you my queen, I’ll sign up for the stupid games...” He rolled his eyes, letting out a long sigh.

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun.” She kissed him before looking up as the pizza guy knocked. “Sweet, food’s here, go set the table will ya?” she asked, standing up and moving to answer the door.

“Yes, dear,” he teased, getting up and heading into the kitchen. By the time she came back with the pizza, Hughes had finished setting the table and was eagerly awaiting said pizza. “Hey Sunny... did you ever find out what happened to the Dazzlings?”

“What, Adagio and Aria?” She grabbed a slice of pizza, taking a bite out of it. “Why would I do that? They lost their magic, not like they could really do anything...”

Hughes sighed, running a hand down his face. “Sunny, ya ever hear of Murphy’s law? ‘Cause ya just invoked it.”

“Uh... no?” she asked, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Murphy’s law states that what can go wrong, will go wrong.”

“You're just being superstitious.” She gave a dismissive hand wave, going back to her pizza.

Hughes sighed, grabbing himself a slice. “We are so fucked.”

---

“Adagio, what are we even doing here?” Aria asked with a sigh as they walked through the halls of Crystal Prep. After their defeat at the Battle of the Bands, the two sirens had been attending Crystal Prep for some plan that Adagio hadn’t been keen on sharing with her yet.

“We’re getting our revenge, of course!”

“By switching schools and living like teenage girls?”

“No, you goon!” Adagio snapped, whirling around on her. “We’re going to make sure those girls lose the Friendship Games!!”

Aria just stared at her for a second. “Seriously? That's it?! They steal our magic from us and your best plan is to make sure they lose a stupid contest that they haven’t won in years!?” Aria shook with rage, her hands balled into fists. “Are you stupid!?” she screamed, getting in Adagio’s face.

“I don’t see you coming up with any better ideas!” Adagio snapped back, pushing Aria away. “So unless you have a better idea, I suggest we go with my plan!”

“You call that a plan!? That's something that moron Sonata would have come up with!”

“Oh, you did not just compare me to that loser!” Adagio grabbed Aria by the collar of her shirt and drew her arm back to punch her in the face when a new voice joined in.

“Um... e-excuse me?”

They both turned to see Twilight Sparkle, clad in a Crystal Prep uniform, her dorky look complete with glasses. They looked back to each other and then at her.

“Yes? What do you want?” Adagio asked, not releasing her grip on Aria’s shirt.

“Well...Principal Finch is looking for students to participate in the Friendship Games and I know you both transferred from CHS, so I figured you might... I don’t know... have... inside knowledge?”

The sirens were quiet for a few moments before they looked at each other, devious grins appearing on their faces.

“Why, we’d love to!” Adagio released Aria, the two of them moving over to Twilight. “It’s all in the name of good fun, right?”

“Y-yeah...” Twilight nodded, meekly pushing her glasses back up her nose. “I can um... take you to register...”

“Lead the way, my dear!” Adagio said, throwing up her best smile. Twilight, being a socially awkward nerd, just nodded, leading the grinning sirens to their destination.

---

“Oh, Jason, there you are,” Chrysalis spoke up from her place at the council table. “I’ve been waiting for at least an hour.”

“Wait... I thought you were with Rarity...?” Twilight blinked, tilting her head as she looked at the empress.

“I was, but she kicked me out after I cocooned that bitch Sassy Saddles.” Chrysalis huffed, hissing at the name.

“You cocooned Sassy?” Jason groaned, running a hand down his face. “And why, in Yggdrasil’s good name, did you do that?”

“She was walking all over Rarity!” Chrysalis snapped. “Strutting around like she owned the place, turning Rarity into a doormat! I don’t know about you Jason, but I refuse to allow my mate to become a wallflower!”

Jason just sighed, taking his seat with the others.

“Are we finished?” Luna asked, not looking amused by the changeling’s antics.

“Yes moonbutt, I’m finished.” Chrysalis rolled her eyes, looking at the alicorn.

“Good.” Celestia cleared her throat, watching as Gilda and Twilight took their seats. “Now... let us begin...”

---

Sea Breeze let out a deep breath, placing the walnut he had been carrying on the platform. Winter was only a few months away and the Breezies needed to replenish their stores before the seasons changed.

“Huh?” he asked, looking toward the horizon as black clouds gathered, blocking out the sun. A loud boom tore through the village, tossing the poor fairy ponies all other the place. Sea Breeze could only stare in horror as a hole formed in reality.

“Let us remember this day for all time!” Eclipse shouted as she stepped through the tear, scythe in hand. “The day the first sun fell to our might! Now... charge!” she screamed, unleashing her horde of dark elves on the helpless fairies.

Comments

[Jake Witt]

Crap! This has gone from Sephiroth to subtle piano metal!

[Razzy]

Chryssie's policy is cocoon and forget, eh? Your Chryssie is so awesome.

Poor breezies!