The partys all here! yum!

This is great

if that ever gets VA.
my ears would be happy

*Cracks knuckles* Alright, let's do this.

Ok, to start off with, I absolutely LOVE the idea behind your story and support it fully - mainly cuz it has all of, or possibilities for all of, my fetishes rolled up in one nice, neat little package. That's the good thing: you're an imaginative writer with a lot of potential.

Now for the bad things...and as a fair warning, from here on down are spoilers for the most recent chapter:

First off, your formatting is... off, to put it nicely. There are WAY more commas then needed, ending up giving your story a horrible case of the Comma Splices. Try using other variations for separating ideas (such as hyphen splices)

Rainbow threw the ball and bounced it against the wall a few times - getting only a semblance of fun from the activity - before the ball bounced away and off into the bathroom after a bad hit.

every once in a while, or excluding certain commas outright.

For example, this...

Tornado gave a choked gasp as the pleasure crested over her, and every inch of her fur was on edge. And then it came again and again and each time she had to cry out higher in pitch and with more urgency. Every touch of his tongue sent her higher, and she wanted the next one so bad, and the next and the next and‒

And then the wave of pleasure crested, and never receded. Her eyes snapped opened and a surprised shriek escaped her mouth as her vagina started to rhythmically contract on itself. Her legs were jerking, her entire body was pumping with blood, her eyes were losing focus. She was shuddering as hard as she could just unable to even comprehend this constant overpowering pleasure. She didn’t know it but she was probably one of the few lucky fillies who could comprehend it, so instead of drifting out of herself she remained sharply aware, every fiber in her body was singing like a harpstring. A capability generally found in pegasi, but somewhat uncommon even then.

...looks a lot less professional then something like this:

Tornado gave a choked gasp as the pleasure crested over her, feeling as though every inch of her coat were on edge - making her cry out in a higher pitch and with more urgency each time the intense bolt of pleasure came as his tongue met her vulva. Every touch of his tongue sent her deeper into her need, making her want to feel the next lick so badly, needing each lick into her more and more until-

The wave of pleasure inside Tornado finally crested once more, and this time didn't recede. Her eyes snapped opened as a surprised shriek escaped her mouth, her vagina starting to rhythmically contract on itself - her first ever orgasm overwhelming her and sending her into sensory overload as she tipped over the edge.

Tornado's legs were jerking, her entire body was tingling, and her eyes were losing focus - the young filly shuddering hard as she she started convulsing beneath the colt even as she was trying to simply comprehend what this constant, overpowering pleasure even was.

As you can see, proper formatting is important to good writing. It's also a good idea to leave out irrelevant details (For example, the "ability to feel ones orgasm unabridged" bit isn't really relevant in the paragraph, so it probably shouldn't be included.) On a related note, each paragraph should centralize around a single topic (IE. Apple Bloom's sensations as he finishes, or in this case Tornado's) instead of trying to merge two experiences into one paragraph. This isn't relevant in this example, but I've seen it before in your other chapters.

Repetition is also a seeming flaw of yours, in which you repeat the same word multiple times in rapid succession. Variation is pretty nice when reading something.

Example:

He came, then she came. The others watching them also came as they saw them cum.

as opposed to:

Finally, [Stallion's name] felt himself tip over the edge and gave a hilting thrust into his mare, gripping her hips tightly as he felt his pleasure rise to a crescendo.

[Mare name] felt herself clenching down on him as she felt her own orgasm start at the same time as [stallion name], loosing a bellow of pleasure as she gripped her stallion's neck.

As they watched on, the crowd were all starting to reach their own climaxes at the sight of the breeding couple cumming together, each crying out or silently overwhelmed by their orgasms.

~

On a non-formatting front, I noticed some other comments mentioning there isn't a separation between flashback and current times. Personally, I use a tidle (~) to indicate brief time changes or character/perspective changes, and a few (~ ~ ~) to indicate larger time changes or character/perspective changes in my stories - but really, any symbol will do if it's spaced properly, as I used in example above.

I think I'm rambling now, so I think I should stop typing. I'll repeat by saying I really like where this story is going, but hope that you will go over previous chapters and improve them some time in the future.

Bonne chance, et au revoir,

~Legion

This picture reminds me of this story
http://40.media.tumblr.com/076fe7a8f7b7c3cd305ea6e4da7e85bc/tumblr_ndbaadKNKB1ttri0jo10_500.png

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5829866
Those are definitely two directions to take a story! Don't worry, I'm not afraid to get into heavy topics with my characters, even for silly stories you could brush off lightly like this one. Do worry, because this story is unfinished, and likely to remain that way. Silly stories it's even easier to get into the really edgy stuff in fact, because you can balance it with a good light hearted sense of humor.

5851377
No hooves
Oh wait, it's Atryl
Everypony is furry for Atryl.

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Well, I'm happy to make a formal melody for it, but I'm a bit too paranoid to put my voice out there. It's sort of long for a song, anyway. I'm just so happy that people find it actually tolerable!

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Awesome, glad to hear.

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Ohhh, thank you so much! I love a critical look at my writing! It's so valuable to helping me become a better writer.

fair warning, from here on down are spoilers for the most recent chapter:

Oh, no spoilers??? How am I supposed to read your review if you're just going to spoil the whole story for me!

case of the Comma Splices

I've never heard of that particular malady before. Do feel free to enlighten me. I've been told, in fact, that I used far too few commas, and needed to constantly make sure I didn't leave ambiguities in my wording, such as, for instance, what the nature is of a pretty little girls school.

...the previous sentence would sort of stand in opposition to the claim that I use too few commas. But yes I read Flowers for Algernon, and I know just how annoying pointless commas can be. And I’ve read The Awful German Language by Mark Twain, so I know how annoying that long, tangential parentheticals can be. Doesn’t mean I never accidentally drop sentences in the middle of other sentences, though.

And then it And then it And then it

Oh my Bob I never realized how many "And then"s I stuffed into that. I read that section over a million times trying to capture the thrill of her experience, and never even saw that once.

orgasm unabridged

This puzzled me, because I wasn't sure if it was clear enough that Tornado had a different reaction than the other girls, but couldn't figure out a way to portray it except as a boringly clinical explanation. I can probably just elide it and let any readers scratch their heads.

Variation is pretty nice when reading something.

I agree, but on the other hand too much variation and you start getting people complaining about purple prose. I do try very hard to avoid the same phrase repeated many times in a short sequence. But considering my whole “And then” thing above, I’m clearly not very good at it. Feel free to correct me any time.

Repeating a phrase is sometimes intentional, to try and convey a sense of rhythm. “More and more, again and again” it can get really percussive. Sometimes it can give a sort of trancelike flavor. “Close your eyes and relax. Feel your breathing slow, and relax. Let the world fade away and relax. Relax.”

use a tidle (~) to indicate brief time changes or character/perspective changes, and a few (~ ~ ~) to indicate larger time changes or character/perspective changes

‘hr’ in square brackets, [ hr ] (without spaces) is reserved for use here as a separator. Whatever separator you like is fine, but I just wanted to make sure you knew. As for mine, in one of the chapters I was trying to be deliberately confusing as to who’s talking where, to make fun of flashbacks in general. But in the other it sort of got away from me, so yeah I should go over that again and add some separators.

go over previous chapters and improve them some time in the future.

Well, keep in mind that this story is only barely approved here. Not sure how much more effort I want to invest in it. I mean, in particular, I wish I could improve chapters 3-8 so they were allowable on fimfiction. But every bit of effort I spend improving this means less spent on browsing derpibooruworking on my other story, which is actually well received and hasn’t been banned before.

But that aside, yes I really value your input, and those would be really good changes to make!

Everypony is furry for Atryl.

XD
Cloppers aren't necessarily furries though mind you.

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I was referring to the bipedal nature of said ponies, not that they were erotic or explicit. Furries are basically bipedal non-human animals. I generally disapprove of bipedal ponies, because they show a lack of imagination on the artist's part, having to conform to ordinary, brainless sexual cues. Also they're generally the artist tracing the art of anime porn, coloring it like a pony, then slapping the pony's head on it. And the anime porn is itself traced from a still shot from some tasteless video pornography. And finally, the artists who draw bipedal ponies (furries) usually only make them ponies to try to make them more popular, when the artist's real goal is to draw horrible fetishes, and they couldn't care less whether it was a pony or a lemur doing it.
But Atryl is a pleasant exception to that.

Even so, I like Atryl's quadrupedal pony art just as much if not more. It's just that bipedal pony stuff is so horrible, it's easy for Atryl to be top of the line.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/8/145866/small.png

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These comments are so amusing.

it's like Once More with Feeling, but with ponies... and sex.

I feel the song was better to the tune of Mambo No. 5