• Published 15th Dec 2014
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The Human Condition - Gilded Tome



When a human shows up to Equestria, will cooler heads prevail?

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Arrival: 4

Teleporting was one of the most bizarre sensations Andrew had ever felt. The only way he could describe it was suddenly being nowhere, everywhere and specifically at two separate points all at the same time. This of course ignored the sensation of stretching and compacting, as if the very space he was in was being pulled and squished, rather than his actual body. His mind was overloaded by the strange sensations for a single mentally cacophonous moment. And then, as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. He felt his ears pop as he stumbled slightly into the new location. Nausea flowed through him as he looked around. The room they had ended up in was a complete mess, and judging by the papers still fluttering down, this was a rather new development.

“Damn Luna, you could have told me it would feel like that! I feel all mixed up and… off.” He said, failing to find the words to describe how he felt.

It wasn’t overt, but he felt so… different. Now that he thought about it, the feeling was so subtle he couldn’t even be sure if it was the teleporting that had done it.

“And jeez, you’d think royalty would be able to hire a maid, this place is a disas-“ He stopped mid rib as he looked around to find Luna. “Oh crap oh crap!”

Luna was next to him, partially collapsed and struggling to stay vertical. He rushed to her side as she tried to rise to her full height. He sat down beside her and put his hand on her back.

“Luna its ok, relax. Take it easy and stay down, no reason to strain yourself further.” He urged gently. “What happened? Something tells me that’s not how that’s supposed to work”

Hearing the wisdom in his words, she stopped struggling and sat down, breathing deeply as she struggled to catch her breath. Andrew looked around the damaged room as Luna caught her breath. Many of the pieces of furniture were broken or thrown back, and almost all of the room’s glass had been shattered. Even the massive bed frame was pitched at an awkward angle. Considerably more foreboding was the black burn mark encircling the duo.

“I… miscalculated. You were… more difficult to move… than I had imagined.” Luna finally answered as her breath slowly began to return to normal.

“Luna! Did you just call me fat?!” Andrew gasped with mock indignation, wrapping his impromptu toga tighter around himself.

His farce got a quiet chuckle from the exhausted alicorn. Glad to get a humorous reaction from her, he continued.

“Well despite the impressive property damage, it wasn’t too bad” He said as he gave Luna a reassuring pat on her back.

“I was aiming for my office.” She said, breath finally resuming its normal pace.

Andrew’s face dropped at her remark, and he audibly gulped.

“I’m going to take a shot in the dark and assume that could have gone a lot, lot worse then?”

“Indeed” Luna said simply, and once again struggling to get to her hooves, barely succeeding in getting to her knees.

Andrew now got up from his sitting position and kneeled beside the princess, steadying her swaying.

“Luna, stop struggling, you’re only going to hurt yourself. I’m going to see if I can find someone to he-” his words were cut off by the loud slam of the bedroom door being thrown open.

A hinge snapped on one half of the ornately carved door, causing that side to tilt. Standing in the now open doorway were three ponies, colored orange, light yellow and purple, and the purple one looked particularly upset as it observed the situation.

“Get away from Princess Luna!” the purple mare shouted at him as she saw him leaning over the princess.

In his surprise he put his hand on Luna, and his other toward the new arrivals. The purple pony immediately lowered her head, her horn glowing as she charged a spell. The two ponies behind her watched in shock as their friend strained, charging a blast of magical energy.

“Whoa there, don’t go jumping to-” Andrew didn’t get time finish his sentence before Twilight fired her spell.

Time seemed to slow as a magenta beam formed, shooting from her horn, heading directly for Andrew. He could feel Luna struggling to stand next to him. He knew she was going to trying and push him out of the way. He knew that doing so would put her directly into the path of the spell. And, he knew that if she did that, with her magic drained as much as it was, the damage would be major. He didn’t know how he knew these things. His knowledge of magic was obviously miniscule, and for all he knew about it, the beam that was flying toward him was as gentle as a hug. But somehow, something was telling him that this beam, while not intended to kill, was very dangerous. He knew he was in danger, and that Luna was moving to put herself in the path of destruction to spare him.

And he couldn’t let that to happen.

The hand he had placed on Luna moved down to her shoulder and he gave her a good hard shove. As shaky as she had been, the shove from the human was enough to send her sprawling away from him, well out of the danger zone. His hand still outstretched toward the ponies, he closed his eyes in the instant it took for the beam to reach him.

“NO!” Luna still managed to shout, despite her exhausted state.

Now sprawled on the floor a good distance away, Luna instantly recognized the simple and familiar combat spell the second Twilight had cast. The spell was a simple heat and impact spell, but even that would do massive damage to an unshielded pony, or in this case human. On instinct Luna had tried to protect Andrew from it, despite knowing that in her state she couldn’t have possibly conjured a shield strong enough to block or deflect it. Andrew’s quick reaction was amazing in and of itself, almost as if he recognized the spell forming as well. Part of her wanted to look away from what sure to be a brutal impact. But she couldn’t, or more precisely, she refused to. In all honesty it mattered little if she wanted to see it or not, it happened so fast she couldn’t have turned away at all.

In a split second the beam reached the closest part of his body, the hand outstretched to the usually peaceful pony. Just before it impacted, which should have broken the humans arm and covered it with burns, there was a spark, and a reddish glow of magic as a translucent disk of the same color was spawned. It hovered directly in front of the outstretched limb, expanding to about a meter wide. Luna instantly identified it as a very crude shield spell. The beam slammed into the disk, which in turn slammed against the human, throwing him back. He was blasted completely clear of the blackened ring that marked the duo’s arrival point, directly into the partially broken husk of what was probably a china cabinet, smashing it to even less recognizable bits. The top of the cabinet collapsed down onto the launched human, covering him completely. Luna gasped as the human tumbled through the air, wincing as he made contact with the furniture. She spun her head to the new arrivals.

“Twilight Sparkle, cease your violence immediately!” She yelled, trying to halt any follow up attacks.

Twilight seemed startled at the harsh tone of the dark blue alicorn, but her stance remained combative.

“Don’t worry princess, I got him. He won’t be able to hurt y-“

“He wasn’t hurting me, he was trying to help me!” Luna shouted, cutting of the unicorns attempts at reassuring her.

“What? Don’t be ridiculous, he was standing over you maliciously!” Twilight replied, now becoming seriously confused. She had just saved the Princess Luna from the bipedal beast, why was she getting yelled at? She moved to rush to Luna’s side, but was stopped half way.

“No, I am fine! Go find my sister before you cause any more harm!” Luna insisted.

The venom in her voice was clear, and it shocked both Twilight and princess herself.

“I’m already here my sister. Are you alright?” said Princess Celestia, as she walked in from the terrace.

The doors had been blown open by the miss calculated teleportation, and now rested haphazardly on the balcony. She seemed oblivious to the destruction of her sister’s bedroom, instead trotting up to her fallen sibling.

“Yes, I am fine! Please, just make sure Andrew is alright!” Luna shout in obvious frustration.

She wanted desperately to get up and check on him herself, but her legs were not following any of her directions. A quiet groan came from the pile of debris formally known as a cabinet, and the wood pieces shifted slightly.

“I’m okay!” Andrew said, his voice muffled, as he poked his hand through the top layer of fragmented wood. “Well… mostly okay…kinda dark…”

“Princess Celestia wait!” Twilight shouted, as the princess of the sun began to make her way to the pile of debris. “Don’t go near it, it’s dangerous!”

“No, no I’m not! I’m uh… Just a little claustrophobic…” a small amount of panic began to creep into Andrews’s voice.

Celestia continued on to the pinned human, after giving her student a reproachful look.

“Twilight Sparkle, you should know better than to jump to conclusions.” Celestia’s horn glowed as she moved the pile up off of the human, revealing a singed, but relatively undamaged human underneath. “Especially when using such a violent spell.”

As Princess Celestia chastised her, Twilights expression went from confused to hurt in mere moments. Twilight was stunned by her teacher scolding, completely thrown off guard. She couldn’t remember the last time her teacher had reprimanded her with such conviction.

“But… Princess there was an explosion, and when we got here, it was standing over her holding her down.” Her hurt expression remained, she was truly convinced Andrew had been attacking Luna.

“Twilight Sparkle.” Luna interjected. “The explosion was from my miscalculated teleportation, and he was trying to help me, not hold me down.”

“Oh…” Her she said quietly, shocked face quickly turned to embarrassment then panic as she realized she had just attacked an innocent creature. “Oh no, I’m so sorry! Here, let me help you!

She started to walk over to the human, but Princess Celestia waved her off.

“No Twilight, why don’t you go wait in my office and we will discuss your hasty actions when I am done here.” The white alicorn said, her tone still disapproving.

Her student looked heartbroken, and began to walk away, head hung in shame. She exited the room, slowly walking out of view, obviously distraught about what had happened. Her friends followed behind her, completely speechless at what had happened. The room was quiet except for the quiet groans Andrew was making as he dragged himself out of the pile of rubble.

"Thank you Princess Celestia” Andrew said, leaned on her for a moment before sitting on a night stand that had been tipped on its side.

He looked at his hand, which looked remarkably normal for all the glowing and sparking he had just witness it give off.

“So, not that I’m not thrilled to finally meet you Princess, but uh… the fuck was that?” He asked, holding his hand up to the sisters, pointing to it as if he had never seen it before.

The sisters looked at each other, then back to the bewildered human.

“Well Andrew…I believe that was…magic” Luna answered, looking almost as confused as he did.

She remembered the hours it took for Andrew to take her explanation of magic seriously, despite the improbability sitting on the moon without it. And yet what she had just saw him do was clearly magic, albeit very crude. Andrew once again studied his hand, turning it over and back again, brain clearly struggling with this brand new concept.

“Seriously?” Andrew finally said words full of intense skepticism. Had he not seen it with his own eyes, and felt the magic itself, he would have laughed in Luna’s face for what she just said. “Well…shit.”

“What is it?” Luna asked, worried her new friend was on the verge of repeating the outburst on her moon.

“Well…I would make a joke about not being in Kansas anymore, but I don’t think that would quite cover this.”

Luna shook her head, while Princess Celestia just looked at the human in confusion.

“Andrew, we still don’t understand your references”

“I know, it’s freaking terrible!” His head sagged and he let out a loud, irritated sigh. Luna wasn’t sure if he was more concerned about his sudden ability to use magic, or that his jokes were going on unappreciated.


It took some time for Luna to get her strength back, or at least enough to make it to Princess Celestia’s bedroom for some proper rest. As drained as she was, she refused to be carried either by the guards or by Princess Celestia’s magic. She even went so far as to refuse her sister’s offer to teleport her there, saying “I shall move by my power or not at all.” Eventually, through coaxing by Andrew and Celestia, she agreed to lean on her sister for support. They began making their way through the halls, while Luna explained what had happened since her and Andrew disappeared from the hospital.

Andrew followed behind them, oblivious to their conversation. To the sisters, he was silent, but in his head buzzed thousands of questions. It felt like every time he managed to come to terms with whatever crazy thing was being thrown at him, another curve ball would come up and hit him out of nowhere. He felt himself hovering on the edge of breaking down, and he struggled to calm himself. He was brought out if his wallowing by Luna.

“Andrew” She said softly, managing to get the human’s attention. “I know you must be frantic right now, but stay strong. We will find answers, I promise.”

Luna’s voice was gentle and reassuring, despite her obvious exhaustion. The two sisters stopped in front of an ornate door, marked by a sun. Andrew leaned up against the door jam, his racing mind calmed by Luna’s promise.

“Thank you Luna. Now go get some rest, you look like a crap” He said with a smile.

“You don’t look much better.” Luna shot back, making Andrew laugh as the two sisters left the hall to put Luna to rest.

When Princess Celestia returned a few minutes later, Andrew sat up quickly from his leaning.

“Andrew was it?” Princess asked, receiving a nod from Andrew in confirmation.

“Yeah, that’s right. So…she really okay?” Andrew asked, smile still lingering after Luna’s fast retort.

“How quickly you understand my sister’s tendency to embellish her wellbeing.” The white princess said with a quiet laugh. “Yes, she will be fine, though I’ll admit this is the most drastic case of magic overdraw I’ve ever seen.”

The Princess began walking toward her office, a few corners down the hall. Andrew followed behind, rubbing the back of his head, a look of embarrassment on his face.

“Yeah… about that… as far as we can tell, that’s kinda my fault” He admitted awkwardly

“I have heard the story several times. Did you mean to do it?” she asked, her gaze heavy on him as she studied his face.

“No! I mean no. I’m not even sure I was conscious at that point.”

“Then do not worry, I will not hold you responsible for something you didn’t do on purpose.”
A smile finally showed on the white alicorn’s face, and Andrew let a breath out he hadn’t even known he was holding.

“Thanks” he said simply, his eyes returning to the hall as his mind wandered over what had happened in the last few hours. “You wouldn’t have any idea what is going on, would you?”

Andrew looked at the princess hopefully, waiting for her response. The hall was silent for a while, save for the clop of hooves and the pad of bare feet. The Princess appeared to be deep in thought.

“I have several… possibilities in mind” she finally said. “But I think it’s best if we wait until we can examine you properly before we delve into speculation and guessing.”

Even after she answered, Princess Celestia’s face remained contemplative, and they continued to walk in silence. Andrew let out a quite sigh, wanting to push her for more answers, despite her trepidation about it. He took a deep breath, forcing his mind to relax. She was right after all, he should be resting and coming to terms with what has happened, not running towards figuring everything out. He focused on calming down while they walked, taking deep breaths and following the Princess.

As the two finally make it to Celestia’s study, they pause before the large wooden doors. They could hear the sounds of three ponies animatedly talking, albeit in hushed tones. Next to the door were two saluting guards, clad in golden armor. He noticed they were both virtually identical, at least they looked that way to him. The guards eyes fell on him almost immediately, but quickly returned to their stare to the wall opposite them. He resisted the urge to shout “boo!” in an attempt to make them move. He wasn’t quite ready to pester ponies armed with swords and clad in metal. The Princess looked to the guard on the right.

“Stalwart, is that Twilight and her friends I hear inside?”

“Yes your Highness.” The guard rigid stance loosened slightly as the Princess talked to him in an unofficial tone.

“Thank you. Hold any visitors until we are done please.

“Of course you Highness”

“Thank you Stalwart” After assuring they wouldn’t be interrupted, the Princess pushed the door open. The guards gave her a final salute as the two walked inside, the door closing behind them.

Inside, three ponies talked amongst themselves, looking over a familiar pile of cloth.

“My clothes!” Andrew hurried to the three ponies, who quickly got out of his way.

Fluttershy disappeared behind a chair, while Applejack, who was still unsure of how to act around the biped, simply stood next to Twilight.

“Hey, these are in pretty good shape.” Andrew said, kneeling beside the pile, as he picked up his shirt and turned it side to side. “I’m surprised whoever patched me up didn’t have to cut me out of them”

“Actually, they did.” Twilight walked to the human, looking slightly mortified, which Andrew assumed was from the incident in Luna’s bedroom. “I collected them from the hospital and cast a repair spell on them… as an apology”

Twilight looked d down at her hooves, as if expecting he wouldn’t accept her attempt at making amends .

“Oh thanks Twilight, you didn’t have to do that, I would have forgiven you anyway. Not that I don’t appreciate this.” Andrew said, clearly ecstatic with being able to get out of his ridiculous toga.

“Wait, seriously? Forgiven, just like that?” She asked, her eyebrow raised, clearly skeptical that he could really just brush off the incident.

“Yeah, it’s no biggie. I mean from what I heard from Luna, you’re the only reason I’m here and not being scrapped off the ground with a shovel”

Andrew saw Applejack wince at his description, and a whimper behind him. He turned to see Fluttershy peaking around the edge of her chair

“Oh, hello there. You must be Fluttershy.” He said, giving her a small smile, before turning back to the orange pony who stood behind Twilight. “Which would make you Applejack.”

He dropped his clothes back into a pile, and stood, and gestured to himself.

“Names Andrew Dike, it’s nice to meet you all.”

Author's Note:

Hey guys, hope you had a good holiday/new year :)

This chapter took longer than I though, so I hope you all like it.

oh and before you ask, I am not Andrew.

Next chapter im really going to focus on not rushing things, cause i seem to be doing that quite alot >_< fingers crossed

Edit: i just went through and did some proper spacing at the request of some readers. hopefully this makes it easier to read and more enjoyable :) no story changes though, so no need to re-read it :)