Sonata & Gilda

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What happens when Taco loving siren Sonata Dusk and temperamental tough girl Gilda become roommates? Find out in this new series!

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 5 )

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Thalorrianspellweaver

Thalorrianspellweaver #1 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · · Off To A So-So Start ·

Oh come on! I wanna hear the joke! It sounds like it would be fnny!

LunaSpark1000

LunaSpark1000 #2 · Dec 2nd, 2014 · · · Off To A So-So Start ·

5338341 I'm working on it for chapter 3. It'll be incredible corny

Lord Seth

Lord Seth #3 · Dec 5th, 2014 · · · Off To A So-So Start ·

It's kinda amusing. I do hope the story won't pointlessly ship the two, though. Way too many stories have fun interactions between characters like this and then for some reason screw it all up by needlessly putting them in a relationship.

There are some issues with the writing, though. A few paragraphs--most notably the first two in the story--for some reason have a line break midway through their second line. I'm talking about this sort of thing:

"Nah, ya think?" Gilda grumbled sarcastically. "I really didn't need to know how the sink, toilet and shower works. It's common sense. We could have saved so much
time."

Why is everything that comes after "so much" a new line?

Another issue is one that's all too common: Wrong punctuation for dialogue. This is a hugely common problem in stories (even some that otherwise have impeccable grammar), so I'll try to nip it in the bud for you right now. Right here is a great guide for punctuating and writing dialogue, and it's right on this site. I would really urge reading through this in order to get the punctuation right.

One other common mistake I spied in the first chapter:

The shadowy figure quickly reached out it's hand and grabbed the bag of tacos from the poor girl's clutches.

This should be "its" with no apostrophe. "It's" with an apostrophe is a contraction (like he's, we've, wouldn't), which is when you combine two words by using an apostrophe. Thus, if it has an apostrophe, it's standing in place of the phrase "it is" or "it has." The easy way to determine whether you should use the apostrophe or not is to try replacing the word with "it is" and "it has." If either one works, then use the apostrophe. Otherwise, it's a possessive (saying something belongs to "it") and should not have an apostrophe.

recca pony