It Only Makes me Love you More

by Shadow Dream

Chapter 1

It was a summer morning like any other, the sun shining, birds singing as they hopped from branch to branch. All around Fluttershy’s cottage there was life to be seen with lush green grass where the bunnies played, trees that were home for the squirrels and birds. Rarity always loved the bustling of life that was present at Fluttershy’s cottage; it made her yellow Pegasus friend’s home so quaint. Rarity took another sip of tea, before turning her attention back to Fluttershy herself.

“Thank you for having me over, darling, I always enjoy having tea with you.” Rarity said with a genuine smile.

“Oh, anytime Rarity,” Fluttershy said, her voice as soft as the coo of a dove. “I do love our get-togethers.”

“But I must be on my way. I have lots of work to get done before tomorrow.”

“Don’t you always?” Fluttershy asked in a teasing voice. Rarity almost wanted to laugh, as Fluttershy had a point. It seemed that Rarity’s business was busier than ever.

“It would seem so.” Rarity admitted, and it certainly did seem so. Rarity’s spare time had become such a rare commodity recently. She got to her hooves, levitating her tea cup with her magic, drank the rest of her tea in a dainty sip. She glanced over at Fluttershy, whose attention was turned on Angel Bunny, and let out a small gasp. “What happened to your wings?” She asked, her eyes fixed on Fluttershy’s wings, which were in a half open position, revealing part of her under-wing that had two thick scratches that ran across, cutting through her feathering.

Immediately Fluttershy folded her wings tight against her body, looking alarmed. “N-nothing…” She whispered, “I, uh, got tangled in a rose bush… a few days ago.”

She’s lying. Rarity thought, her eyes narrowing. “Are you sure?” She asked cautiously. Fluttershy nodded, her eyes glued to the ground. Why is she lying? Rarity shuffled her hooves nervously. Why would Fluttershy lie? Rarity opened her mouth to say something, but Fluttershy spoke first.

“Well, you’d better be on your way…” The gentle mare spoke softly at first, then her voice became subtly firmer, “You’ve got things to do, don’t you?”

It was clear to Rarity that she was being dismissed. “Yes… That’s right, I do.” She answered slowly, eying her yellow friend, before turning to leave. She walked back towards Ponyville, fighting the temptation to glance back at Fluttershy as she went. Rarity’s mind was racing. What had just happened? One moment they were enjoy each others company, the next there was so much tension.

Rarity pushed the encounter to the back of her mind in the following days, as she had a lot of work to occupy her thoughts. With so many orders to fill, she hardly had the time to think of Fluttershy’s odd behavior. It wasn’t until several days later that Rarity even remembered the event, when she and Fluttershy met up for their weekly spa visit.

“Good morning Fluttershy, dear. How are you?” She greeted her friend warmly as they walked side by side into the spa. To her surprise Fluttershy didn’t answer.

“The usual, please.” Fluttershy told the two spa attendants, Lotus Blossom, and Aloe. The two perked up at the sight of Fluttershy and Rarity and rushed to aid their two regulars.

“Right this way, Miss Fluttershy, Miss Rarity.” Aloe motioned with a pink hoof for the pair to follow her to the steam room.
During their spa treatment, everything seemed normal once again. Rarity and Fluttershy chatted endlessly about everything and nothing all at once, just like always. As they went from one treatment to the next something nagged at Rarity, something seemed off about Fluttershy. But what was it? Fluttershy had seemed a bit cold when they first met up, but then settled into their usual friendly conversations. Then she remembered what had occurred a few days prior when she’d gone over to Fluttershy’s for tea. For a moment she was tempted to say something, but then decided against it.

During the rest of their spa outing, Rarity’s eyes kept wandering to Fluttershy’s wings, trying to see if she could spot those scratches. Whatever they were, Fluttershy wasn’t keen on the subject, and she kept her wings folded tightly against her sides.
She’s tense. She hasn’t relaxed once this entire time. Rarity realized. Fluttershy was being guarded. Something is wrong…
The urge to ask Fluttershy about it pestered Rarity for the remainder of the spa outing. Twice she almost did, but then reminded herself that it wasn’t ladylike to stick her muzzle where it did not belong. As they left the spa the desire to ask overwhelmed Rarity. She watched Fluttershy from the corner of her eye carefully.

“So, how are your wings doing?” She asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. Fluttershy halted mid-step, her whole body tense.

“F-fine…” Fluttershy whimpered.

“Fluttershy… You don’t have to lie to me, darling.” Rarity told her gently. “Whatever is going on, you can tell me about it.”

“No… I can’t.” Fluttershy told her, tears coming to her eyes. Without another word, Fluttershy took off running, leaving a very concerned and confused Rarity behind.

Something is very wrong.

The topic didn’t come up for a long time after that. As much as Rarity wished she could talk to Fluttershy, she knew that any mention of the scratches would yield nothing but negative results. In the following weeks Rarity made more of an effort to spend time with her friend, going so far to put off her work. More and more Rarity was growing anxious about the situation. The more she mulled it over in her mind, the more she became convinced that her assumption was correct.

She wanted to be wrong, she dearly wished to be wrong. Every time she saw Fluttershy she’d find herself eying her friend, searching for any further evidence.

She found it.

Scratches showed up on the parts of her wings that were visible when folded one day, when Fluttershy came to help Rarity in her boutique.

The sight made Rarity’s heart ache. Why? Why was this happening? As Fluttershy left the shop, Rarity lowered her head.

“What shall I do? What can I do?” She asked aloud. “Should I talk to Twilight about it? She’d know what to do…” Rarity shook her head at the idea. She didn’t want to be gossiping about Fluttershy behind her back. She sighed heavily, blinking back tears that threatened to spill over. “There’s only one thing to do. I must talk to her about it. Sweet Celestia, let me be wrong!” She told herself. This isn’t going to be pleasant…

Rarity woke up early the next day, and decided on her battle plans. She found a picnic basket and began to make sandwiches. Fluttershy loved cucumber sandwiches. Her mind wandered as she prepared a beautiful picnic lunch, with sandwiches and fruit salad. She covered the meal with a blanket spread and was about to walk out the door when she spotted one of her vases filled with flowers. Using her magic she levitated it to her and put in the basket alongside the lunch. Flowers were always a nice touch to a summer luncheon. She picked up the basket in her mouth and away she went.

Celestia’s sun was high in the sky as Rarity trotted out of Ponyville, down the familiar dirt road that lead to Fluttershy’s cottage beside the Everfree Forest. She could hear the birds singing as she went. Truly, today was a perfect day for a picnic. When she reached the cottage she let her magic take over the burden of holding the basket, freeing her mouth so she could speak.
“Fluttershy! Oh, Fluttershy!” She called in her most posh voice. She could see Fluttershy out in her garden, tending to her flowers. At the sound of her name, the yellow pegasus lifted her head. Her blue eyes found Rarity and she smiled.

“Oh, hi Rarity. I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” She told her softly, her voice barely more than a whisper.

“I know, but I just thought today was a perfect day for a picnic, and I did hope you’d be willing to join me?” Rarity explained.

“Of course!” There was no hesitation.

“Marvelous! Shall we be going?” She asked with a comforting smile. Fluttershy nodded, looking excited. Fluttershy does love a good picnic.

The two mares set off towards the park, which was located on the outskirts of Ponyville, not far from Fluttershy’s home. There was no talking as they spread out the picnic. Rarity offered the plate of sandwiches to Fluttershy politely. Fluttershy took one and took a bite.

“Mmm! Cucumber! My favorite.” She expressed with delight. Rarity’s response was a small, simple smile. They ate their lunch in silence, and Fluttershy seemed to be aware that something was up.

“Fluttershy,” Rarity broke the silence. “I think it’s time we talk.”

“About what?” Fluttershy asked, her voice was nervous, though she was clearly trying to be casual.

“About your wings.” Rarity answered softly. “Or, rather, the scratches on your wings.” Fluttershy was staring at the ground, her pink mane obscured her face from Rarity’s view.

Rarity didn’t want to say it.

But she had to.

“You did that, didn’t you?” Rarity forced the words from her mouth. Fluttershy’s entire body seem to shrink at the question, and she began to tremble. There was a long moment of silence.

“I… I did.” Fluttershy choked out.

Dread flooded over Rarity. What she’d long suspected was true. Tears came to Rarity’s eyes. “Fluttershy, why?”

Fluttershy’s head jerked up, tears staining her cheeks.

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand!” She cried.

“You’re right! I don’t understand.” Was all Rarity could say. “Why would you do that to yourself? How could you do that to yourself!”

Fluttershy rose to her hooves, her entire being trembling like a leaf. “I gotta go.” She whimpered before turning tail and fleeing from Rarity’s presence.

“Wait!” Rarity cried, chasing after her friend, leaving the picnic spread behind. “Fluttershy wait!” Her mind raced in a wild panic. What if she’d set Fluttershy off?

Fluttershy beat Rarity to the cottage, slamming the oaken door behind her and bolting it shut. Rarity skidded to an ungraceful halt just short of the door.

“Fluttershy? Fluttershy!” She called, knocking on the door with her hoof. She had triggered Fluttershy, she was sure of it. “Fluttershy, please!” she begged, tears running down her face. She could picture Fluttershy with a knife or scissors in her mouth. “Fluttershy! Please, don’t do this!” She cried, pawing at the door wildly.

Silence.

Rarity waited, holding her breath, and fighting tears. She couldn’t hear a thing. Was Fluttershy okay? Had she just made things worse for her friend? “Fluttershy,” She said again, her voice weak with anxiety, “Please…”

She then heard a small click, and the door opened slightly. Rarity hurried inside, coming face to face with Fluttershy. The two ponies stared at eachother, tears in both their eyes.

“Fluttershy… I thought… I thought you were going to hurt yourself again!” Rarity whispered faintly.

“I was… but…” Fluttershy glanced away for a moment, then returned eye-contact. “When I heard your voice… how scared you sounded…” Fluttershy paused again, to whipe a tear from her eye. “I realized how worried you were about me… “

“Of course I was worried about you! Fluttershy, I didn’t mean to set you off like that, it was very insensitive of me.” Rarity told her.

“Well… now you know.” Fluttershy sat down, hiding her face in shame. “You’ve must have lost all respect for me.”

“What? Of course I haven’t.” Rarity protested. “Fluttershy, I still respect you, I’m simply worried about you. Surely you must know how wrong this is.”

“I know… but… It helps. It helps not feel sad… or lonely… or worthless.” Fluttershy whispered. “I know I shouldn’t, so I’ve tried so hard to keep it a secret.”

Rarity pulled Fluttershy into a hug. “You don’t have to keep it a secret from me. I won’t judge you.”

“But you are judging me!” Fluttershy protested, bursting into a new wave of tears.

“I’m not. It just makes me sad. I’m sad because you’re in so much pain you feel this is the only way to cope. But you don’t have to go through this alone. I care so much about you, and so do so many others!” Rarity hugged her tighter as she spoke.

“What you must think of me…” Fluttershy moaned softly.

“Fluttershy… knowing only makes me love you more. You can get through this, you don’t have to go through it alone.”
Her words made Fluttershy cry harder, thought Rarity was pretty sure they were tears of relief. She held onto Fluttershy, letting her friend cry into her shoulder.

“Just hold on to me… together we’ll get you past this.”

Author's Note:

I've been wanting to write this for a long time, but kept putting off for many different reasons. Much of this story is based off of situations I've found myself in, and the ending conversation is based off of several I've had with friends.
Such things are never simple, and they are never easy.
If you ever find yourself either in the position of Rarity or Fluttershy, just realize that there is always hope.
And remember, you are not alone.

Comments

[Dustin Lange]

This reminds me of some of the things I have gone through...

[Shadow Dream]

5070010 Yeah... lots of people have, they just don't talk about it.

[Dustin Lange]

5070237
I don't talk about it unless people ask about it. I feel like it is someting that has shaped me into the person I am today, and so I will never forget it.

[Shadow Dream]

5070534
You should never forget. Things such as self harm can be life-altering and addictive. There is no way to be unchanged by it

[Dustin Lange]

5485249
Exactly.

[Draco Dei]

I actually have a fanon that figuring out this sort of situation is complicated in the case of a pegasus in that their blood is a quick and easy way of allowing an object to interact with cloud.

For instance you can stick a poster to a cloud-wall with blood if you can hold it still long enough to clot. Or coat the feet of furniture and let it dry before installing it.

Hardly the most durable or sanitary solution, and foals discovering it can get into a lot of different problems (infection, scarring, or even anemia), but still distinct from real world self-cutting. Most pegasi will do this at least a few times in there lives... or at least once in middleschool highschool science class.

Thoughts on the details of how this would complicate things?