Rainbow Dash gets a wing cramp while flying over Sweet Apple Acres, and has to make a crash landing. Good thing Big Macintosh is there to help! But things get a bit more heated then expected: pegasus wings are very sensitive to the touch...
Me again Don't really like to jump into an authors story but I just can't see Celestia and Luna not being at the wedding. Reasons.
In Celestias case Rainbow is one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony and was directly involved in redeeming her sister. Also Celestia gave Sweet Apple Acres to the Apple family.
With Luna this is one of the mares who saved her at the risk of her life
Perhaps in order to keep it on the down low Sunny Days and Selene might have been at the wedding?
5083529 You made a very good point about Luna and Celestia not being at the wedding. It made too much sense for them to be there, so I added them in and credited you for pointing that out to me.
About the tourmaline, I know how it is to get annoyed at others when they don't use terms or phrases you're very familiar with correctly. It's totally understandable!
5115713 Firstly, they like the field, it's more natural...plus it's got emotional value to them.
Second, yes I did get a bit melodramatic. I should probably cut back on that, at least for Big Mac.....yeah. as for "emotionally fragile", I personally believe that RD is indeed a sensitive pony who instead of showing that side of herself hides behind a wall of boisterous false self-confidence. You can see this in a number of episodes of the show, most notably Testing, Testing 123.
And yeah, AJ is a real trooper.
Oh and also; If you're giving people CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, that' a good thing. I really don't mind criticism, as long as it's nothing along the lines of "LUL STOOPID FAG DIS SHIT SUCKS DELETE IT", and actually has a REASON for disliking a certain aspect of my story. I also like specifics, which tells me what areas I need to improve in. So thank you, I shall modify the story to be less dramatic.
Writing is all about imagery. The words you use to describe actions are what shapes what is happening in the reader's mind.
And you broke an extremely cardinal rule of tasteful anal sex descriptions in this chapter.
And that was when you used the phrase 'poop passage'.
Yes, we know what the anal passage is for. We understand this. It was never meant to accept cocks. But if you're fantasizing about screwing someone in the ass, the last thing you want on your mind (Unless that's your fetish, and for 99.9% of all people, it's not) is poop.
Hell, I wouldn't even have a character say 'shit' in their dialogue during anal sex, I.E. 'Shit, it's so tight!' because, once more, you're drawing attention to, with your word choice, the most unsavorable fact and possible outcome of anal sex, and a literal squick of the vast, vast majority of people who will read this.
And the word choice. 'Poop passage'.
Imagine Kreig is narrating this story. His 'inner' voice. If you're familiar with Borderlands. His inner voice is calm, studied, and serious. It's nice, soft, soothing and gently progresses the story. And then that inner voice turns into the psychopath screaming 'POOP PASSAGE!' at the top of his lungs in the middle of a paragraph.
So, unless you're trying to turn off the majority of your readers, and make them uncomfortable with the act itself, be wary of your word choice. Especially when describing anal sex.
Despite the main story still being on hiatus, I decided to expand on the "shower scene" in chapter 6 and added some more detail to it. Just kinda wanted to give y'all SOMETHING on this story after such a long time without any additions.
5083453 That's a good observation about me using the shorthand for tourmaline. I shall change it to the full name to avoid confusion.
As for the AJ x AB bit, i again just added it for variation. I personally don't believe it's SUPER out of place, so I think I'll just leave it be.
Thirdly, thank you for the compliment. It's nice to hear you liked it.
Pst, how can AJ be on Macs left AND right?
The foal is coming
Me again
Don't really like to jump into an authors story but I just can't see Celestia and Luna not being at the wedding.
Reasons.
In Celestias case Rainbow is one of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony and was directly involved in redeeming her sister.
Also Celestia gave Sweet Apple Acres to the Apple family.
With Luna this is one of the mares who saved her at the risk of her life
Perhaps in order to keep it on the down low Sunny Days and Selene might have been at the wedding?
the Tourmaline thing I'm a geologist.
5083517 Thanks for pointing that out. Not sure how both me and my editor missed such a massive error! Fixed that.
Also, yes. It's about time for a new foal in Equestria. I'm sure Pinkie will be pleased!
5083529 You made a very good point about Luna and Celestia not being at the wedding. It made too much sense for them to be there, so I added them in and credited you for pointing that out to me.
About the tourmaline, I know how it is to get annoyed at others when they don't use terms or phrases you're very familiar with correctly. It's totally understandable!
5083649
wasn't upset just thought you might have gotten distracted and missed it.
And this makes 100 comments!
5115713 Firstly, they like the field, it's more natural...plus it's got emotional value to them.
Second, yes I did get a bit melodramatic. I should probably cut back on that, at least for Big Mac.....yeah. as for "emotionally fragile", I personally believe that RD is indeed a sensitive pony who instead of showing that side of herself hides behind a wall of boisterous false self-confidence. You can see this in a number of episodes of the show, most notably Testing, Testing 123.
And yeah, AJ is a real trooper.
Oh and also; If you're giving people CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, that' a good thing. I really don't mind criticism, as long as it's nothing along the lines of "LUL STOOPID FAG DIS SHIT SUCKS DELETE IT", and actually has a REASON for disliking a certain aspect of my story. I also like specifics, which tells me what areas I need to improve in. So thank you, I shall modify the story to be less dramatic.
I'm going to give you a tip.
Writing is all about imagery. The words you use to describe actions are what shapes what is happening in the reader's mind.
And you broke an extremely cardinal rule of tasteful anal sex descriptions in this chapter.
And that was when you used the phrase 'poop passage'.
Yes, we know what the anal passage is for. We understand this. It was never meant to accept cocks. But if you're fantasizing about screwing someone in the ass, the last thing you want on your mind (Unless that's your fetish, and for 99.9% of all people, it's not) is poop.
Hell, I wouldn't even have a character say 'shit' in their dialogue during anal sex, I.E. 'Shit, it's so tight!' because, once more, you're drawing attention to, with your word choice, the most unsavorable fact and possible outcome of anal sex, and a literal squick of the vast, vast majority of people who will read this.
And the word choice. 'Poop passage'.
Imagine Kreig is narrating this story. His 'inner' voice. If you're familiar with Borderlands. His inner voice is calm, studied, and serious. It's nice, soft, soothing and gently progresses the story. And then that inner voice turns into the psychopath screaming 'POOP PASSAGE!' at the top of his lungs in the middle of a paragraph.
So, unless you're trying to turn off the majority of your readers, and make them uncomfortable with the act itself, be wary of your word choice. Especially when describing anal sex.
I thank you for your advice and criticism; I shall remove said offending words and credit you for the advice.
Despite the main story still being on hiatus, I decided to expand on the "shower scene" in chapter 6 and added some more detail to it. Just kinda wanted to give y'all SOMETHING on this story after such a long time without any additions.