Taking Scootaloo

by Gamecuber47

Scootaloo's New Feelings

Scootaloo was the last one to leave the classroom. Her friends Applebloom and Sweetie Belle had already left to start their summer vacation. Cheerilee had Scootaloo stay after because she was causing some ruckus in class and was given a stern ‘talking to’ about the importance of learning and education. Scootaloo could care less. She just wanted to hang out with her idle, Rainbow Dash.

Once she left the classroom the warmth of the summer air felt like a thick blanket had rested on top of her. She had already begun to sweat when she noticed what she had been looking for. A cyan colored pony flew through the sky at alarming speeds with a rainbow trailing behind her like the smoke of a plane. Scootaloo felt the same admiration she always felt when she looked at Rainbow Dash, but today felt different. When she looked at her she felt a pressure build in her stomach and felt almost embarrassed to stare at her. Finally the cyan pony made a midair U-turn and dove right in front of Scootaloo. Soon her heart rate quickened as Rainbow looked into Scootaloo’s eyes. Scootaloo thought to herself, what’s going on?

Rainbow must have noticed because she gave Scootaloo a little smirk and a raised eyebrow before jokingly asking her; “Hey squirt, is the heat getting to you? You look a little under the weather.” Scootaloo must have looked shocked because Rainbow returned a look of surprise.

“No, no I’m fine.” Scootaloo said with an awkward laugh, “Just a little warm… Hey, is there any place we could hang out that would be nice and cool?”

Rainbow gave a huge smile and said, “Well I did plan on us hanging out above the cloud layer and showing you some of my new tricks. It should be nice and cool up there, above the heat wave.” Scootaloo gave out a sigh of relief and begun trotting along next to her friend.

After a while, Scootaloo broke the silence. “How are we supposed to get above the cloud layer if I can’t fly?” Scootaloo asked, sounding slightly concerned.

“I’ll just carry you like I always do,” Rainbow said casually. Scootaloo felt stupid for asking this simple question and wore a look of embarrassment on her face. Rainbow must have noticed because she gave a loving look at Scootaloo and said, “Hey, don’t worry if your nervous. I just wanted to show off a couple new moves and then we can hang out somewhere more casual, like the swimming hole.” Scootaloo’s heart fluttered at the look Rainbow was giving her and quickly looked away, beginning to blush.

After a while they got near the edge of Ponyville where Rainbow could show of her moves in private and have some quality time with Scoots. “Hang on,” the blue pony said, sweeping up Scootaloo and taking to the couple of clouds that were there.

“Whoa…!” was all Scootaloo could get out before her feeling of confusion turned to pure excitement. The feeling of flight, even if artificial, made Scootaloo feel free and unbound to the earth below her. Rainbow knew Scootaloo was only ever able to feel this when she helped her so she made sure to fly around a bit before landing on a cloud and setting her down. The little filly, so excited yelled, “Thanks Rainbow Dash!” and jumped up to give her a hug. Realizing what she had done Scootaloo quickly hoped off Rainbow Dash and began to blush. “Sorry… I guess I got a little excited…” Rainbow let out a little giggle and put a hoof around Scoots.

“That’s alright. I’m glad I could make you happy.” And with that Scootaloo knew what she felt, twisting up inside her. She was falling in love with her idle, Rainbow Dash.

+ + +

After a few tricks Rainbow asked if Scootaloo wanted to go to the swimming hole or if she wanted to stay. Scootaloo felt like nothing was better in the world than being up here, alone, with Rainbow Dash. “Oh, I’m fine if you want to stay and show off some more of your cool tricks, Dash!”

Rainbow gave a devious grin and said, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet squirt!” and she took off into the sky. Ducking under clouds and pulling some in with a small tornado, made by herself, she arranged the clouds into patterns. Scootaloo hadn’t realized it until Dash was done, but the clouds spelled out her name, Scootaloo. This made Scoots certain that any feelings she felt for Rainbow were definitely felt back.

Up in the sky Rainbow sat comfortably on the last “O” of Scootaloo’s name. Seeing the filly’s wide, glowing smile she felt at peace. I’m glad I could make you happy Scoots. It makes me feel better about what happened. Earlier that year a storm had gotten out of control in the weather factory and began barreling towards Ponyville. The pegasi were able to lure the tornado to the edge of town, but it was still able to take out a few houses, including Scootaloo’s. Both her parents had fallen victim to the weight of the house and had perished. To avoid complications with the other ponies, Cloudsdale claimed the storm had come from outside of Equestria where they did not control the weather.

Rainbow felt horrible whenever she thought about it because she was on the team that had produced the storm and was mainly to blame for the accident. She forced the other workers she was looking after to make the storm bigger so they could finish sooner. I can’t believe I let that happen. I should have paid more attention. Rainbow sat thinking when she noticed Scootaloo sitting by herself on the cloud, alone, and quickly flew over.

Scootaloo had a look of pure joy on her face. “Wow, Rainbow! That was amazing!” Rainbow Dash let out a small blush, but immediately dismissed it.

“Hey, Scoots, how about one more before we go?” Rainbow was already a bit sweaty and the thought of going to the swimming hole sounded nice to cool off in. As Rainbow came closer to put a wing around her friend, Scootaloo was able to smell the aromatic scent coming from Rainbow. The smell was intoxicating and made Scootaloo feel strange. Then Rainbow Dash turned around and said to Scoots, who was directly behind her, “On three I’m going to take off and do a Sonic Rainboom!”

Scootaloo, still feeling a bit intoxicated from the scent of Rainbow’s perspiring body, was able to say, “Go for it Dash! And make it a big one!” Even as she spoke half of her wanted Rainbow to just stay by her side, if for just a little longer.

Just then Rainbow squatted down and was getting ready to take off. She began to count, “One!” She shouted. Then she raised her tail, preparing for launch. Rainbow didn’t notice Scootaloo was still behind her, and hadn’t realized she had given Scootaloo a clear look at her marehood. Scootaloo’s face began to blush. “Two!” Scootaloo never noticed how pretty it looked to her. But recently neither did Rainbow Dash herself.

Scootaloo lightly whispered to herself, “Oh Celestia, she smells good…” without realizing it she had leaned forward for a better look. Rainbow, still preparing to fly, had begun to lean back, winding up her legs for takeoff. She didn’t even notice Scootaloo was so close, and certainly didn’t notice she was focused on more things than her tricks.

“Three-!” Rainbow was cut short by something, a tickling feeling coming from behind her. Scootaloo had licked the entire length of Rainbow’s lips, making a small moaning noise as she did. Both ponies immediately froze, Scootaloo’s face was as red as an apple. She recoiled her head and both mares stood motionless. Minutes seemed like hours before one of them spoke.

Rainbow Dash cocked her head to her right, towards Scootaloo. She avoided looking at Scoots but made it painfully clear she was addressing the young filly. “Did… Did you just…” Rainbow said weekly.

Worried, Scootaloo quickly blurted out, “I’m sorry! I don’t know what happened… I… I couldn’t control myself!” Her face was the color of cinnamon.

Rainbow gave an awkward cough and tried to say clearly, “Well… don’t let it happen again.” She was trying to not make the embarrassed filly feel any worse than she already did. “I think we’re done for today.” Rainbow said.

“Sorry… Rainbow.” Scootaloo mumbled.

+ + +

Rainbow Dash decided to fly Scootaloo home trying to make her feel better, but to be honest she didn’t feel alright herself. Rainbow’s mind was racing, trying to figure out what had happened. Lost in thought she started to descend from her original flight path. They started going towards a house when Scootaloo noticed they were going to hit it. “Look out!” she yelled. Quickly Rainbow snapped to attention and dove out of the way of the building and flew back up to their original altitude.

“Heh, sorry about that Scoots. My mind was somewhere else…” Rainbow looked troubled.

Scoots cleared her throat and asked, “Do you want to talk about what happened earlier?” Scootaloo tried to sound concerned.

Rainbow shook her head and said, “I’d rather if we didn’t.” the rest of the flight was silent.

When they made it to Scootaloo’s home Rainbow saw the house had looked the same since it was destroyed and was able to determine the tool shack in the back yard must have been where she was staying. Scootaloo didn’t have any other family and told her friends that she had gotten a new house, which she obviously hadn’t. They landed and Scootaloo took a few steps away before facing Rainbow. “I’ll just grab a few things and go to my new house.” Scootaloo had told Rainbow Dash earlier to drop her off here so she could get some of her things from the shed.

“Scootaloo, where is your new house anyway?” Rainbow asked with a frown on her face. Worried, Scoots told her it was just around the corner and she didn’t need to worry about it. “Mind if walk you home?” Rainbow asked.

Scoots obviously hadn't thought this through, but told her, “Yeah, if you want. I should be fine though.” Rainbow decided on going with her and began to trot alongside her friend.

When they got up to the shed Scootaloo told Dash to wait outside, ensuring her she would only be a minute. Secretly she didn’t want Rainbow to see the makeshift bed and blankets made from hay and old newspaper. She grabbed her saddlebag and put her brush and a magazine about scooters in it. That was all she had left from the old house to remind her of the past. She left the shed and turned out the candle with the attached snuffer. They began to walk down the sidewalk as the sun began to set.

It started to get darker as the moon was raised and the streetlights flickered on. Neither pony had said anything to one another for a while, since neither of them knew what to say. Rainbow Dash started to see familiar houses and noticed they had been walking for quite a while. After seeing the same house for the third time Rainbow grew confused and realized her suspicions were right. They had been walking in circles all night.

Rainbow Dash stopped walking and stood there with a blank expression on her face. After a few seconds Scootaloo noticed Rainbow was no longer beside her and turned around to see the mare standing under the streetlight a few feet back. A look of anger began to sweep across her face. Scootaloo felt scared. What if Rainbow find out about the shed. I don’t want her to be worried about me. “Scootaloo what the heck is going on?! We’ve been walking in circles all night! Do you even have a new house?” Rainbow’s tone was harsh but heartfelt. Scootaloo didn’t know how to respond and sadness took ahold of her. She began to weep softly and looked down at the paved pathway. Dash didn’t figure out Scootaloo was crying until she saw drops start to form a small puddle on the ground. She immediately felt horrible for exploding at Scoots like that. She was just so tired and sweaty from all the flying, and bugs started to swarm around her and bother her even more.

“Scoots… do you want… to stay at my house tonight?” Rainbows voice sounded raspy and fell upon deaf ears. “Scoots?” she repeated.

“I’m sorry Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo was practically screaming. She ran over and gave Dash a hug, crying into her shoulder. Past her mumbling and crying Scootaloo was able to tell Rainbow, “I didn’t want you to know I was homeless. I wanted you to think I was strong, like you. I’m sorry for making you go through this, I just didn’t want you to think I was weak…” Scootaloo wasn’t worried about hiding her tears and loudly sobbed into Rainbow Dash’s coat. Dash folded her wings around Scootaloo and pulled her close, cooing and hushing the tearing filly. Rainbow pulled Scoots away from her and looked into her eyes. The look Dash was giving her made Scootaloo remember her mother, comforting her from nightmares and scraped knees.

“Let’s go to my house and get you cleaned up. How does that sound?” Dash spoke softly as to make the young mare calm down. Scoots Let out a soft sigh and broke into a weak smile.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” Rainbow knelt down and put Scootaloo on her own back and wore her saddlebag. They took off in a light flight to Rainbow Dash’s Cloud home. It was sometime after midnight when they took off and after a minute of flight Scoots cleared her sore throat and spoke, “Thanks, Dash…” and then she yawned and fell asleep.

Rainbow arrived at her house and quietly went inside, the sleeping filly still on her back. She went into her bedroom and put Scootaloo under the covers without waking her. Rainbow silently trotted into the bathroom off the side of the bedroom and grabbed a small washcloth and rinsed it with warm water. She went back and lightly dabbed the dry tears from Scootaloo’s face. Giving her a kiss on the forehead, the filly nuzzled into her pillow and gave a smile. Rainbow went back to the bathroom and started a shower. Under the falling water she became lost in thought again. I don’t want to make her feel bad for what she did, but… Why? I thought we were like sisters, but it seems like she thinks it’s more than that. I don’t know. She is just a filly after all. She is probably just figuring out some complicated feelings and she took it too far. Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll worry about it tomorrow.

Rainbow turned off the water and dried herself off with a couple towels. Returning to the bedroom she saw the young mare peacefully sleeping. She felt like everything was going to be okay. She lifted the blanket and crawled under the covers. Using her left wing she put it over Scoots and pulled her closer.

+ + +

Scootaloo felt the light piercing through the curtains and reach her eyes. She tried to bury her face in the pillow and go back to sleep. Being this high up there was less to block out the light and it felt like the sun itself was with her in the room. She rolled over and noticed the rest of the bed was empty. Scoots felt where Rainbow had been and felt the warmth still in the blanket from her cozy body. Suddenly she heard some light pops coming from downstairs. Scootaloo lazily got out from under the covers and felt a shiver run through her coat. Cloud homes didn’t have the best insulation, the house felt freezing despite being in the direct path of the sun.

Scoots made her way downstairs and saw Rainbow Dash with a mixing bowl and some flour on her face. “What are you doing?” Scoots said, still half asleep.

“Mornin’ Scoots! I thought you might want some oat pancakes. Yesterday was kinda stressful.” Her tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth she poured the freshly made batter into the skillet. The sound of the sizzling pancake made Scootaloo’s stomach grumble. Dash giggled from the sound and opened the oven door with her back hoof. Inside were three more pancakes being kept warm in the oven. “I made some up earlier in case you were really hungry.” Dash exclaimed as she grabbed a spatula with her mouth and put a few of the cakes on a plate at the end of the table. “Sorry if they’re a bit burnt.” Dash apologized. Scootaloo didn’t care. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning, and was down for some overcooked cakes.

Dash finished the freshly made cake and put it on her plate. She walked over to the table and sat beside Scootaloo. Both of them sat, quietly eating their breakfast. When halfway through her second pancake, Rainbow took a swig of orange juice and cleared her throat. Scootaloo was too busy eating to notice Dash trying to get her attention. Giving up being subtle, Rainbow turned to scoots and spoke, “Hey, Scootaloo.” Scoots looked up from her plate, and with food in her mouth.

“We need to talk about yesterday.” Scootaloo half choked on her food and lightly coughed. Drinking some orange juice she composed herself and decided she should just get this out of the way.

“Okay, let’s talk.” Rainbow was surprised at her willingness to talk about such an uncomfortable topic. “Well, first off why did you… you know… lick me?” Scootaloo began to blush and took a deep breath.

“I’ve always thought of you like a sister, and loved you like one. But lately… I’ve felt like, I don’t know… I think I… I love you Rainbow Dash.” Dash’s face turned crimson and she scratched the back of her mane with her hoof.

“Well… I’ve always thought of you like a sister and loved you just the same, but… I don’t love you like that Scoots.”

Scootaloo looked down at her plate, “Oh…”

Rainbow perked up, stumbling over her words, “Not to say liking me like that is bad or anything.” She took a deep breath to calm herself down. “What I’m trying to say is that liking other mares is fine but you need to know if they like you, like that, too.”

Scootaloo looked up at Rainbow Dash and poured her heart out, “I thought you did like me more than sisters. I mean Rarity and Sweetie Belle don’t hang out as much, and Applebloom and Applejack don’t compare to us.” Rainbow thought this over and to her surprise, she agreed. They did spend more time together than most sisters and they are far closer as well. Maybe I do like Scootaloo more than a sister…

Rainbow shook her head and talked sternly to Scootaloo, “Look. All I’m saying is take it easy. You’re getting too far ahead of yourself for your own good.”

Scootaloo felt angry about Dash’s reaction to her heartfelt feelings. “Fine then.” And with that Scootaloo finished her breakfast and went to wash up. Rainbow remained in the kitchen and started to clean up. Whatever. Could have gone worse I guess.

+ + +

Scootaloo woke up and opened her eyes. The room was spinning. She felt a little pain in her front, left leg. There was a needle attached to some tubing going from her to a bag hung up next to her. She knew where she was. It was the same place she went after her house collapsed previously that year.

Her vision began to clear and she could make out the rest of the room. Sitting facing away from the window, sat a chair with her saddlebag. Next to that sat a disheveled blue pony hunched in her seat, looking worried. “Rainbow…?” Scootaloo said with a sharp pain in her throat. The mare took her face from her hooves and began to cry.

Looking Scootaloo in the eyes she said weakly, “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean for this to happen.” Scootaloo sat confused. She didn’t remember anything past going upstairs to wash up.

Trying to cheer up the crying pony, Scootaloo told her, “Hey, it’s OK. I’m glad we’re both still…” Suddenly, Scoots head felt like it was in a vice. She reached up and felt bandages wrapped around her head. “Ow… What happened?” Scoots asked.

Rainbow looked confused and asked the obvious, “You don’t remember?”

Scoots mind was blank, “Nothing, Rainbow.” Rainbow Dash started to brush her mane with her hoof and awkwardly retell that morning. As she spoke Scootaloo started to remember what happened.

Scootaloo went up the stairs, confused and angry. She went into the bathroom and begun searching for a washcloth. She opened the closet to reveal many towels and brushes. The cloth she was after was on a higher shelf. She jumped up to grab it and pulled a few of the towels down with her. She began cleaning up her mess when she saw a magazine tucked into one of the folded towels. Opening the magazine she realized it was one of those adult ones, young fillies weren’t allowed to buy at the store. The magazine had nothing but female ponies inside. Make me feel bad for liking mares, and you have THIS!? Scootaloo felt pure rage as she began galloping down stairs. “Rainbow!” she yelled.

Still in the kitchen, Rainbow Dash was finishing the dishes. She spun around towards the frustrated mare and with an eyebrow raised asked, “Hey, what gives Scoots?” Scootaloo wasn’t pleased at all.

“I saw your magazine in the bathroom, Dash!” She started to tear up. “Why did you give me so much trouble about liking other mares if you do too!?” Without awaiting a response she ran out the front of the house, her eyes closed. She had forgotten the limited room around the cloud house, and tripped over the edge. Before she could figure out what was happening she plummeted to the ground. Everything went black.

Scootaloo realized she was still in the hospital and had not listened to what Rainbow Dash was saying. She looked over to see the older mare sobbing heavily, trying to apologize. “Rainbow… stop talking for a second.” Scootaloo sat up in her bed. Rainbow lifted her gaze towards Scootaloo and looked confused. Scoots had given up on being at odds with Dash and was just glad both of them could still be together. “Let’s forget any of this ever happened, OK?” She had a grin on her face.

Rainbow got out of her seat and rushed towards the injured filly, giving her a large hug and agreeing to give up fighting. “The doctor said that the fall wasn’t too serious and you can go home with me in a couple of days. How does that sound?” Rainbow felt the warmth from the hug and drew closer. Scoots sighed in relief and agreed, “That sounds good.”

It was already becoming night again, as Scootaloo was out for a good part of the day. Dash packed a couple of the things she had brought into the end stand next to the hospital bed and bid Scoots farewell. All night Scootaloo was thinking about being with Rainbow Dash, hanging out at the swimming hole, and in the clouds.

+ + +

When Rainbow woke up she felt happy with how everything was going. She got up and took a shower, brushed her mane, and preened her feathers. Locking up her cloud home, she took off towards the hospital. Scootaloo is probably going through a phase. She’s probably just a little confused about growing up. I have to see how she really feels. Rainbow continued towards the hospital.

Reaching the hospital, she went in to Scoot’s room. “Hey Scoot!” she called.

“Hey Rainbow, I thought you had to work today.” Scootaloo wore a look of confusion.

“I do, but I wanted to tell you, after work, I have a… surprise for you.” Rainbow felt nervous about the whole ordeal.

“Okay. Well see you later then!” Scoots waved goodbye. Dash had a fake grin on her face until she left the room. How am I gonna get her to show me how she feels? I’ll work it out when I come back. Rainbow took no hesitation in flying to Cloudsdale. She felt tense the entire flight.

Today was so uneventful, work seemed to take all day. Even though she only had to be there for a couple hours to regulate water levels for forming clouds, something about watching water flow through brass pipes didn’t really peak her interest. “Why does this have to take so lon-…” she was cut off by the ringing bell, signifying the end of the morning shift. “Well never mind then.” And with a ‘humph’ she trotted to the main office and clocked out.

She took flight back to the hospital and kept hoping nothing would go wrong. Racking her brain for ideas, she came to a conclusion. I have to know if she’s serious about liking mares. If I can’t talk to her about it then I’ll make her prove it! Rainbow Dash felt content with herself and happily flew back to the hospital, ideas in tow.

Arriving at Scootaloo’s room, she fixed her hair from the wind, and headed inside. Scoots was looking at the new edition of the scooter magazine Rainbow had found for her in the waiting room. “Hey Scoots, how ya feelin’?” Rainbow asked. Scootaloo looked up from her magazine and put it on the side table.

“Hey Dash, how was work? Was it as fun as hanging out in a hospital?” Scoots asked jokingly.

“Oh, it was the best.” Rainbow replied, sarcasm in her tone. “Well, what about my present?” Scootaloo had noticed Dash hadn’t brought anything with her. “You have to guess. I’ll give you three chances.” Rainbow smirked.

“Is it a new scooter?”

“Nope.”

“How about… a new house?”

“Do you really think I could afford that with my salary?” They both laughed.

“I give up. What is it?”
“ This!” and with that she hoped on the bed and stood over Scootaloo.

“What? Are you gonna beat me up?” Scootaloo asked, looking slightly confused.

“You can stay at my house, IF, you can tell me that you’re really into mares, or just going through a phase.” Rainbow felt she had said everything she needed to and find out Scootaloo’s true feelings. Standing up, Scoots said confidently, “I do like mares, and not just you!” She began to blush.

“Prove it!” Dash spoke up and flipped around, her backside facing Scootaloo. She lowered her chest to the bed and left her flank in the air. Scootaloo’s face became void of color as she sat stunned. “Well? Isn’t this what you wanted or are you chicken?” Rainbow teased, shaking her flank in Scootaloo’s face. Enraged by the chicken remark, Scoot’s expression changed from embarrassment to determination.

Rainbow was surprised as the young filly wrapped her hooves around Dash’s thighs and forced her muzzle into Rainbow. The sudden pleasure caused Rainbow to let out a weak moan before covering her mouth with her hoof.

Scootaloo began to furiously lick the inside of Rainbow Dash. Dash’s body started violently shacking. As Scootaloo searched the inside of the older mare’s body, she reached a certain spot that made Rainbow scream and send shudders through her body. Scootaloo stopped, wondering if something was wrong. “Are you okay, Rainbow?” Scoots asked, both confused and concerned.

“What? Of course! You can’t just stop like that, you little tease.” Rainbows face was beet red and her tongue stuck out of her mouth. She panted heavily and trembled. Alright then, Scootaloo thought to herself. Then she continued as before.

When she found the spot from before, she put all her effort into massaging it with her little tongue. The cyan mare could barely take any more. Her body was tense and she couldn't even hear her own screams. Scootaloo didn't let up and continued.

A pressure built up in Dash until she could no longer take it. She yelled at the top of her lungs and lifted her torso into the air, “Oh yes! Sweet Celestia, yes!” she let out one final scream, before collapsing back to the bed. Scootaloo felt her mouth start to fill with liquid, some falling to the covers below. The taste was confusing. It was sweet, but bitter at the same time.

When Scootaloo looked at Rainbow, she became scared. The blue pony was panting heavily and looked weak. Scootaloo, being just a filly, didn't understand what was going on and was growing concerned. “Rainbow! Are you okay?” Scoots sounded worried. Rainbow Dash looked up at the fearful mare and giggled. Using her hoof, she ushered Scootaloo over and drew her closer with a wing. They lay cuddled, heads towards the foot of the bed.

“Thank you…” Rainbow said. Exhausted, both of them fell asleep.

Author's Note:

Sorry if it seems a bit segmented. I tend to write in small bursts when i get ideas. Anyway... this was written in the morning before work when i saw this picture of Scoots and Rainbow Dash where Scootaloo was behind Dash and had her tounge sticking out. She was staring at Rainbow's plot. The picture didn't show anything but it sparked the idea, "How could this have transpired?" And that's how babies are made. The End. Just kidding! Tell me if you want me to continue to work on this.

Comments

[Gamecuber47]

Hope you like it. I'm new to this whole writing thing.

[LadyFacepalm]

Hmm... Well first of all, Welcome new writer! I hope you get imspiration! (Its hard )
As for the story, I feel that you have a good technique right now, but you could have drawn out this instead of jumping right ahead. I'm still intrested though! And i'm going to follow you so I can watch future stories. (Wow, I never write comments this long)
~Lady

[LadyFacepalm]

Why the dark tag?

[BronyPonyMan]

while i did feel like this chapter could have been at least three to four, it's definitely peaked my interest. but may i suggest spacing out the dialogue and paragraphs??

[blank check]

This is pretty bad. The train of events makes no sense, each scene feels entirely separate from each other (waking up in the hospital was a particularly enormous asspull, and many of the scene transitions did not require a horizontal rule), and there are plenty of spelling, grammar, and conventions errors. Your characters are rudimentary and feel stupid, or at least inconsistent. You need more commas.

Online, the generally accepted format for paragraph delimitation is double-spacing without indentation. I have no problem with the conventional style, but others will.

[RaylanKrios]

I agree with razzle, there is more to a story then just writng scenes,there needs to bea connection between them, you have a loose connection of vingettes that make less sense as you go on. Especially that last one. Nothing that's happens has any logic to it.

[Gamecuber47]

4984537 Thanks for the feedback. I get what your saying and hope my next one will be more appealing. I kinda just wrote this before going to work at 4 in the morning and worked on it some more when i got home. Anyhow, thanks for commenting!