A first person perspective of Equestria
Chapters (11)
Everfader
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Perhaps instead of the previous sentence, this might be better phrased: [My hooves vigorously thudded against the dusty, compacted dirt of the road, the thudding sounding as though the very earth had a heartbeat which beat in sync with the rapid thudding of my heart.]
1) The sound of an equine's gallop may increase, but will reach a maximum decibel threshold in which the decibels are no longer capable of increasing.
2) Given the limitations of the flesh, an equine will eventually reach a maximum galloping speed in which it becomes impossible to exceed.
[The sound of my gallop seemed unnaturally loud as I reached my maximum galloping speed.]
I call your bluff. While it is possible to gallop in pitch blackness, it would go against an equine's instinct of self-preservation as it would be incredibly easy to hurt him/herself on all the uneven ground, bushes, trees, roots, holes, bodies of water, and crevices in the earth, and cliffs. In pitch blackness, a sapient creature would slow down and try to feel their way around, given the many aforementioned hazards which would await said sapient being entering a pitch black area, such as a dark forest on a moonless night.
Xareth: "Well I don't feel dead, but I must be in heaven for no earthly vision can possibly compare to your beauty."
Wow. that escalated quickly. Hormones be raging. Isn't this the first day? Flutters doesn't know him from Ace. She doesn't know him at all, so unless he's built like a sex god and as good looking, I really think the blushing stuff is too soon. (Unless it's blushing from embarrassment.) Maybe if he tented the sheets right before her eyes, but just talking? I think things are escalating too quickly. It can work, if you write it as more hormonally driven ponies finding the other attractive and desirable. Otherwise, I'd work more on building the relationship before getting into the whole blushy stuff.
If by talking, you mean doing the horizontal tango, then yes, they 'talked' too much.
Fluttershy: Xareth? I ... I'm pregnant. And you're the father.
Looks like somepony's going to get a view of the plot. Naughty, naughty pony.
Looks like someone rolled a +1 for stealth. No wonder the ninjas and assassin schools wouldn't take him in.
Fluttershy, you need to mare up and smack a bitch. You massage bears, for crying out loud! Bears! You could probably snap his neck or bite his jugular or something. Don't be such a damn damsel in distress!
Also Xareth is totally OP and a Gary Stu and not in a good way. He doesn't bleed, does't get any broken bones, doesn't bruise or feel any pain in fights. He's not a soldier, yet beats up professional soldiers!? Then there's the whole 'just rut already' dynamic between Fluttershy and Xareth, despite neither of them hardly having any relationship together. He's persecuted, sure. Though I really can't view it as persecution as such, when he beats his enemies every single time! He needs to bleed, feel pain and take damage in these fights, especially against professional soldiers.
AuthorGenesis: My comment about him going against professional soldiers still stands though. Even if he is all OP as hell, he's still going up against a group of professionally trained soldiers that are trained to operate both as a group, as an individual to achieve the goals of thee group. They'd more likely use Fluttershy as a hostage and nick her throat if he tried to do something heroic. Plus they'd employ whatever weapons they had at their disposal to subdue him. He shouldn't be going all DBZ on them without them even striking back or achieving their goals.
What I'm basically saying is that Xareth needs to struggle, both against a group of professional soldiers and against his own mind planting fears and doubts in his head. Fears of what he might find if he can't save his rescuee, or what he might find behind closed doors. What traps, or visions of carnage he might encounter. He can be OP and have it be done well. What I'm suggesting are things to remove him from being a classic Gary Stu
I'm just trying to help you breathe more life into your characters, so that they have more personality (and be more interesting) than a cardboard cutout representation of your characters. And giving a character flaws, weaknesses and imperfections make them relatable. Like how Blueblood's snooty aloofness makes him relatable for despite his good looks, he has flaws of personality and character. So he's relatable because of his flaws and imperfections, because he does treat pony commoners the way that he does, even though (and perhaps in spite of) Celestia isn't pleased when he behaves in such a manner.
Scotty: She cannae take much more o' this Cap'n!
Though my beef with this chapter is that with 2-3 Alicorns and Twilight Sparkle, they ought to be able to keep the barricade shut, for a time even against whatever Mara throws at them (Comets, Planets and mountains notwithstanding.