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The Star Healer

A mysterious amethyst-coated unicorn shows up on the edge of the Everfree Forest. She seems very kind, but when she comes into Ponyville, nopony knows who she is. Who is she really? And why is she so illusive?

Edited by Cerulean Swirl

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 2 )

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Lapison

Lapison #1 · Jul 10th, 2014 · 2 · 1 ·

OK, we've got a little filly, a mysterious purple mare, and kinda sorta but not really intriguing events. OK, that's all well and good! Now what?

There are a few grammatical errors that a spell checker will catch, so that shouldn't be too much of an issue. Just paste in Word, hit F7, and watch it take out the most obvious ones.

More pertinently, I want to emphasize that your word choice hurts just as much as it helps. "Amethyst" is all well and good, but "purple" does the job just as well and much less pretentiously. (Small comment: Viridian usually means blueish green, so it's slightly strange that she's colored darkly.) This is something called purple prose, and while it's not that bad in your writing, it is bad enough to put off potential readers.

You've managed to set up a semi interesting scenario (star healer with shackles, ooooooh); however, the filly seems a lot like an extra add-on, rather than a substantial character, at this point. She really doesn't do anything, other than stare and ask questions. Granted, she's used to set up Viridian, but by doing that, she becomes less relevant to a reader.

But I'm being too critical. It's a good first effort (though not the best), and I look forward to seeing improvement!

(P.S. Just saying "this is my first story" is like making an excuse to me to say "this thing isn't very good but it's my first time". I definitely expect that this thing is less than polished just by reading that. Please don't say that; instead, offer your writing for what it is, and then just improve.)

teddybearflutter