Of Vodka and Cider

by UglyTurnip

Of Contests and Story Hijacks

Author's Note:

WARNING: This chapter SEVERELY breaks the fourth wall several times. Things will be more normal after this chapter, but I just happened to write in several instances of wall-breaking.

Also, Marc's OC Gear Grinder makes a one-time joke appearance. He writes what he calls "The Perfect MLP fanfiction." Once again as a joke.

The room had fallen silent when they noticed the pony and Nikolai facing off, each one giving the other a hostile stare meant to scare each other off.

But Nikolai had survived a theater of war, seen countless horrors committed both by Germans and by his own comrades, and until recently had to fight the living dead alongside an aggressive American, an elitist Japanese man, and a sociopathic German. Fear was simply an emotion that Nikolai no longer possessed. To top it all off, this man had an unstoppable resolve to drink this vodka, and he would not let a random thirsty pony get in his way.

And Berry Punch? Well, she just liked alcohol. . . Very much.

Even Vinyl Scratch had caught on, and immediately changed the music from her loud Dubstep to a somewhat quieter western standoff tune.

"Oh no," Rainbow Dash eyed the pony that was facing Nikolai. "Things are about to get very bad, very fast!"

Pinkie Pie nodded. "Berry Punch has never lost a drinking contest before."

Twilight thought about it for a bit. "But with the amount of times Nikolai has mentioned vodka, he probably will be a worthy opponent."

Rainbow Dash gulped. "That only makes things worse. TWO drunken psychopaths!"

Nikolai turned his head to face Rainbow Dash, his right hand still firmly gripped on the vodka bottle. "Who are you calling a psychopath, Rainbow Hair?"

Rainbow Dash did not reply, too nervous to face an angry Nikolai.

"We need a judge for this," Berry Punch scanned the crowd to see who was available. "Hey, Gear Grinder! Come over here!" She practically screamed at a pure white stallion unicorn, wearing a pair of goggles on his forehead. His mane was very well-kept, and his cutie mark was a simple gear. It went without saying that he was a mechanic.

Marc's OC gulped, and walked over to the table. You could tell by the nervous expression on his face that he did not want any part of this. "Uh, when I said I wanted a cameo in this story, I didn't exactly mean it like this.

Uglyturnip once again materialized into his own stallion's form, and stood in between Pinkie and Twilight. "Too bad," he said to Gear Grinder as he gave a flirtatious glance and arrogant smile to both mares. "Hey, ladies, how's it going?"

As a purple hoof slapped him once on the cheek, Pinkie laughed. "You're funny!"

"I like to tell myself that, anyway. My special talent is trolling, after all," the author avatar muttered, rubbing his cheek. He did not disappear yet, instead, he chose to eye the scene in front of him.

Nikolai turned to Berry Punch and gave a confident smirk. "So, how do you want to do this, Berry Punch?" He suddenly burst into laughter. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "You have a funny name for a drinking pony. Shot glass, or straight from the bottle?"

Berry Punch seemed to contemplate this seriously for a second. Sure, straight from the bottle would be quicker, but less suspenseful.

"Shot glass."

Pinkie bounced over into the kitchen and came back with two shot glasses on her back. They bounced into the air, just like she did, but they somehow managed to prevent the small cups from falling. She set one in front of both contestants, and left with a smile. Gear Grinder grabbed a pencil from a table with his magic, and prepared to tally up each shot taken. It was time to go.

"3," Pinkie happily began.

"2," Rainbow Dash continued.

"1," Twilight Sparkle sighed, giving up on a peaceful solution.

"Go!" Vinyl cheered, suddenly changing the music to a rapid bass drop.

Nikolai and Berry Punch both quickly grabbed vodka bottles and poured their first shots, both simultaneously gulping down the small amount of liquid. Nikolai's eyes widened, welcoming a substance back into his body that he had been missing.

"You know, you can still back out now and save your dignity," Berry Punch smiled as they both set their glasses down to pour another shot. The speed that they drank and poured with was almost simultaneous, and neither skipped a beat by the time they both drank their second glass.

Nikolai did not appear to be under the influence in the slightest by the time they had reached the sixth shot. His tolerance had skyrocketed from all the vodka he had drunk in the past, turning him into a unstoppable drinking machine, much more than a normal human should be able to. He quickly poured yet another shot and gulped it down.

But Berry Punch had not slowed down, either, as she poured her seventh shot. She eyed Nikolai with a confident smirk, which Nikolai returned.

"Say, Berry Punch, you're not too bad. Nikolai's faced worse."

Berry Punch burped after drinking another shot. "You're not too bad for yourself, you hairless monkey."

Nikolai gasped. "Hairless?!" He lifted up one of his sleeves, exposing a very hairy arm, at least for a human. "Do these look hairless to you?"

Berry Punch ignored him and poured another shot, downing it in ten seconds flat.

"Hey!" Rainbow Dash pointed at Uglyturnip. "That's my line!"

The author avatar rolled his eyes and continued to type on his computer. "This is so hard to do with hooves," he commented with a blank expression on his face.

Eventually, things began to heat up, with Nikolai downing an entire bottle at once, and it wasn't even the one he had been pouring shots out of. Everyone in the room, minus him and Berry Punch, gasped. They were BIG bottles, equal to at least two dozen shots.

"Unbelievable!" Twilight was both disgusted and intrigued.

"How?!"

"Even I'm shocked, and I've been writing this!"

Gear Grinder threw his hooves up into the air. "I don't even know anymore!"

Nikolai appeared drunk now. "Give *hic* up?"

Berry narrowed her eyes, shook her head, and drank an entire bottle for herself. The room once again gasped.

"Not yet, *hic*. Is that *hic* all you *hic* got?"

Nikolai uncapped another bottle and began to down it, but the alcohol was just too much for the drunk Russian, and he passed out.

"Ha ha!" Berry Punch laughed. "And that's how we do it!" All she had to do was drink what Nikolai had drunk, and she would win. She uncapped the bottle with her hoof. . . Somehow. . . And began to drink. But, it was too much for her, as well, and she passed out.

Gear Grinder examined how much each had drunk; both had consumed about 20 shots each, along with a full bottle and exactly half of another bottle.

"You might want to check their pulses. I'm pretty sure that would kill anyone, no matter how much tolerance they could have," Gear Grinder commented. "They tied, exactly down to the last drop."

They waited until all of the alcohol had time to kick in, so that

Pinkie and Twilight walked up to Nikolai's body and felt for a pulse while Gear Grinder felt for Berry Punch's.

Amazingly, both were alive, just unconscious.

"I will never understand how Berry Punch does it," Pinkie stated. "But she can drain a party."

"And now she's met her match," Twilight added. "On the bright side, this will be good for the alcohol industry!" She added with a smile.

The other ponies eventually continued on with the party, and enjoyed themselves. Nikolai and Berry Punch would wake in a few hours, but there was no use waiting on them.

. . .

Nikolai finally returned to consciousness, and opened his eyes. Bad idea, the lights shined way too brightly, and his head pounded with pain worse than any bullet wound could ever be. He just let out an audible groan.

"Dempsey?" No answer.

"Richtofen?" Silence was the only reply.

"I don't even care anymore. Takeo?"

He heard a familiar voice. "Your friends aren't here, Nikolai, remember?"

"Oh, right, Twilight Sparkle. Last night was a blur. Did Nikolai get drunk?" He asked hopefully.

"Yeah, you and Berry Punch kinda cleared out a good portion of the bar."

His memory was coming back. He remembered the contest with the purplish earth pony. "Oh, right. Did Nikolai win?"

Twilight shook her head. "It was an exact tie."

Nikolai's eyes snapped open. "Oh, woah, wait, WHAT?!" He stood to his feet somehow. "How? Nikolai has never not won a drinking contest. Never!"

Pinkie skipped into the room. "Well, you did tonight!" She was followed by Gear Grinder, Lyra Heartstrings, and Vinyl Scratch, working together as a team. Behind them was Uglyturnip, carrying a bucket of water with his mouth, and Neon Lights, who had arrived fashionably late.

They gently set her body down. "OK, Turnip, you're clear."

The tan stallion trotted over to the unconscious mare and poured the bucket of water on her body, snapping her back into consciousness.

"You know, I probably just could have written her awake," the author avatar smiled. Twilight facehoofed.

Berry Punch coughed, and tried to do like Nikolai, but she was too hungover to do so for now. She just decided to lie there and wait it out.

"So?" Gear Grinder walked over to Uglyturnip. "You have godlike powers because you're the author of this story, huh?"

"Every author does, Gear Grinder."

A lightbulb clicked over GG's head.

"Wait, what are you thinking?" Uglyturnip's eyes widened in horror. "Oh no, don't be doing what I think you're doing. Please!"

. . .
(Here comes the part Marc wrote)

It was no use. Suddenly, a random crowd of ponies, the rest of the mane six, and Octavia appeared out of thin air. To make things worse, the roof of Sugarcube Corner inexplicably vanished, revealing an early morning sky.

The amazing Gear Grinder shoved aside all ponies, getting to work on his amazing story. He spawned an oversized chainsaw, forcing it into the hands of the Russian. Nikolai mowed down a random crowd of ponies, including some like Neon Lights and Octavia. Vinyl then walked up to Gear Grinder and gave him a huge hug. Nikolai watched in disgusted horror as he burned down Neon's house with a jerry can. GG then wrote something down, and Celestia fell out of the sky, exploding into a red mist on the ground. All of the fans who magically appeared cheered, but were electrocuted by Nikolai. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were shoved in a closed, and GG screamed to them, "make babies!". They were forced together, in a rushed and messy make out session. Nikolai watched, his bloody face was cringing at the XXX material, but the horrific sight got worse when RD screamed, "I'm pregnant!" Vinyl then screamed, "and we're getting married!". Best of all, GG said. . .

. . .
(And things return to me now)

Luckily, before things could get any worse, an unlikely hero appeared.

A portal opened, similar to the ones created by Gersch Devices, and a familiar battlecry was heard.

"Banzai!" Takeo screamed as he jumped spontaneously out of the portal. He swung his samurai sword at the air in front of him, somehow causing the events of Gear Grinder's hijack to disappear into nonexistance.

"This story is dishonorable!" He cried. "You deserve many down votes, Gear Grinder!" He cried.

"Aw, man," the unicorn frowned, watching all of his 'hard' work vanish. He quietly trotted out of the room.

"Thank you, Takeo," Uglyturnip smiled.

"And you!" He pointed a finger at the author avatar. "You should not exist! You are the author!" He took his samurai sword and sliced it directly through Uglyturnip's physical form. However, there was no blood or gore, it just disappeared without a trace.

"Fine," a voiced echoed out of nowhere. "I'll stay out of my story from now on."

"Things have returned to normal, thanks to Takeo!" The samurai praised himself. "Well, I must return before Dempsey and the Doctor realize I'm missing."

"Wait! Takeo!" Nikolai pleaded. "Take me with you!"

Takeo turned his head back, and flashed a troll-like smirk.

"No."

With that, Takeo jumped back into the portal, which closed behind him, leaving Nikolai, Berry Punch, Twilight, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Vinyl, and Lyra.

Twilight made a mental note that Takeo exhibited weird behavior, but appeared to at least have some sense of right and wrong.

"I hate that little shit," Nikolai mumbled.

"C'mon, Nikolai!" Pinkie smiled, ignoring the chaos that had just recently ensued. "It's time for us to go out and help you find a job."

"A job?" Nikolai asked, worried.

Pinkie nodded.

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

Comments

[Fucks Ungiven]

I thought this was gonna be a really shitty crossover. But you have exceeded expectations and made this story actually good. Now all you gotta do is stay out of the story and we're good. Oh and you have issues with describing ponies. Like adjectives wouldn't explain the pony correctly. Like in one of the chapters (I could look if you want) said purple hoof to describe Pinkie.

[UglyTurnip]

4660246 Was it the one where my author avatar got slapped and Pinkie said "You're so funny?"? If it was, then that was actually describing Twilight doing the slapping while Pinkie just laughed it off.

I didn't really word it that well, though, my bad.

[Fucks Ungiven]

4661680 Ok yeah. I reread some of the parts. When Nikolai was apologizing to Bon Bon I thought he was talking to pinkie who was in the barrel. But it makes sense now. Just must've been reading to fast.

[MLP BRONY 27]

4660246 dude... i cant even begin to say how much i love that profile pic... all the thumbs up to you.

[Guner]

"I like to tell myself that, anyway. My special talent is trolling, after all," 

trollestia has sensed a disturbance in the force

[VeryDeadlyBee]

🐸Froge🐸