Of Vodka and Cider

by UglyTurnip

Of Wall-Breaking and Party Planning

Richtofen dug through mound after mound of trash around the factory, hoping to find what he was looking for among the scraps of debris that littered the abandoned facility. The insane German scientist had a look of serious determination stuck on his face like glue, despite the fact that his conscience was telling him to forget about Nikolai and move on with the other two.

"Nien. . ." Richtofen groaned. "Nothing."

Dempsey searched a pile behind him, furiously digging through garbage. Where as Richtofen saw Nikolai as only an asset, to Dempsey, Nikolai was a friend, a comrade, no matter how annoying he could be. He would get him back. He'd make sure of it.

"Are you even sure the device blueprints are even here, doc?" Dempsey asked as he continued to push through another pile of worthless garbage.

"Ja," Richtofen replied to his rival, not even turning to face him. "Just keep looking, and stop asking questions, you stupid monkey!"

Dempsey frowned at Richtofen's back talk, and continued looking for the necessary component needed.

"Don't worry, Nikolai," Dempsey said to himself more than the drunk Russian, who couldn't hear him anyway. "We'll bring you back hear. I promise."

. . .

"You should be more careful, Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash warned her best friend. "That thing could have hurt us!"

"Da, Pinkie, that was a weapon. It's a good thing nobody was hurt," Nikolai chewed her out.

"What were you doing with a weapon, Mr. Nikolai?" Twilight turned to face the drunk, a look of suspicion, but not outright hostility, etched on her face.

"Duh, killing zombies, of course! That was my last clip anyway, I have nothing else to kill anything with."

Twilight remembered that Pinkie had mentioned something about how Nikolai came from a world where the dead were attacking the living. The thought of such a harsh world made her shiver a little. She noted that Nikolai was more rude and goofy than battle-hardened and mean, though. Though still not entirely convinced that he was harmless, Twilight didn't really have any evidence to prove he was a bad guy, and he WAS being cooperative.

She would report to Celestia about this particular human. It seems that his world was different from the one she had entered to retrieve her crown. That world was different, too, but at least it had been more friendly.

But that was for a later time. Nikolai would have to stay in Ponyville for now. It was the only option they could provide.

Maybe one of the ponies in town would take pity on the alcoholic, world-traversing, human that was in her presence. . . Or not. He smelt like he had swam through a bloody sea of alcohol. It wasn't exactly a pleasant odor.

Yet, despite all this, Pinkie and Fluttershy seemed to like him, and Applejack seemed willing to give him a chance. Perhaps even Rarity would warm up to him, if he ever decided to take her up on her offer, and shower more regularly.

She wondered to herself what the other two agents and the scientist were like. Were they like Nikolai? Had they mentally snapped and reverted to similar personalities? Or were they WORSE? Pinkie did say something about Dr. Richtofen being crazy already, and Nikolai had not denied it. If those two were in a group together, she could only imagine that Tank and Takeo were just as bad.

The sound of a door creaking open snapped Twilight back out of her deep thought. Nikolai stood just outside the entrance of Fluttershy's cottage, with Pinkie Pie directly to his left. They appeared to be engaged in friendly conversation with Fluttershy, who held open the door for the two of them.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us, yellow pon-, I mean, Fluttershy? Nikolai does not mind your company."

"I appreciate the offer, Nikolai, I really do, but I have some work to do around the house, and I got animals to take care of. I hope you understand."

"Of course, Fluttershy, fourth wife made Nikolai do all of the house work. I never got to hang out with friends. Lazy one, she was," he grumbled the last part quietly to himself before turning to Pinkie. "So, I guess it's just you and Nikolai on this trip, Pinkie."

Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. "I've got the cloud-clearing covered for the day. I could help out with the party, I guess."

"Eh? But you hate Nikolai," the drunk Russian commented.

Rainbow Dash nodded. "I've got nothing better to do. At least I can talk to Pinkie."

Twilight decided this would be a good opportunity to study Nikolai's behavior. "Spike's taking care of the library while I'm out. I can come help, too. What about you two?" She turned and asked Rarity and Applejack with a smile.

"I, um, appreciate the offer, but I'm afraid I must get back to the Boutique. I will have to work late tonight if I want to make time to sew Nikolai a fabulous outfit."

"Like I said, Rarity, Nikolai does not-"

Rarity stared straight into Nikolai's eyes with a determined fire still burning inside them. She would make Nikolai an outfit, whether he liked it or not.

Applejack shook her head, too. "Ah'm gonna need to go home an' help Applebloom with some chores, sorry."

"Okee dokey lokey! Just be sure that you can make it for the party tonight!" Pinkie beamed.

"Tonight?! A little soon, don't you think?" Nikolai asked the optimistic pink pony.

"Trust me, Pinkie Pie parties are legendary, and word spreads quickly once it gets out. I bet half the town would know by sundown," Twilight added, complimenting Pinkie's skills.

"Oh, Pinkie must have serious connections. How many times has she married?" He asked, thinking Pinkie had become popular in the same way he had.

Twilight gave him a look of disappointment. "Do people in your world only marry for power and status?"

"No, well, not always, anyway. Nikolai had ambition, to rise through the ranks of the Communist Party. Such progress by the common man required charisma, or establishing connections."

"Communism? Isn't that where the government controls all property?" Pinkie asked both.

"Yes, and personally I think it's a load of-"

Suddenly, without any logical explanation whatsoever, a voice boomed.

"Now, now, Twilight, the readers might get their jimmies rustled," UglyTurnip warned as he shamelessly self-inserted himself into the shape of a tannish colored stallion with a blue mane, covered by a black hat. His cutie mark was a turnip, covered with a troll face.

"But you're the one writing in what I say!" Twilight yelled in frustration.

There was a brief silence. "Touché," The politically incorrect author nodded. "Well, I guess I'll just. . . Go. Sorry for interrupting."

Once again, the author avatar randomly vanished into thin air with no explanation.

"If this ever gets a TV Tropes page," Pinkie Pie commented. "He'll never live it down."

"But what are the chances of that happening?" Nikolai added. "His writing is not the best."

"I just find it ironic that he's insulting himself in his writing," Twilight smiled. "Anyway, let's get back to business."

"Oh, yes! What's your favorite type of cake, Nikolai? Do you like chocolate? No, you look more like a vanilla guy. . . Do you like ice cream?"

As Pinkie continued to bombard Nikolai with questions, he tried to answer her questions, but she would end up answering them for him. Ironically enough, she hit every question with perfect accuracy.

"Do you like punch? I bet you would. Or, are you more of a milk fan?"

"Actually, Nikolai would love vodka most of all. Do you have some?"

"Oh, you're lucky, Nikolai! A shipment from Stalliongrad came in not too long ago. You should see that city, everypony is drunk and everypony speaks with an accent just like yours!"

"Heheheh," Nikolai chuckled. "Sounds like Stalingrad, before the war at least."

"War?" Pinkie asked, frowning. "War is bad."

"The Zombie War?" Twilight asked, assuming that was what Nikolai was referencing.

"No, the war with the Nazis."

Nikolai proceeded to tell them the story of the Red Army, the Wehrmacht, the Imperial Army, and the US Marine Raiders. He also mentioned that Dempsey was a Raider, Takeo was an Imperial Army Captain, and Richtofen was a high-ranking officer in the Wehrmacht. By the time he had finished the story of the World War, and how it ended in victory for the Red Army and Marine Raiders, Pinkie and Twilight were frowning at all the depressive destruction they were hearing about. Not to mention that the zombies rose not even a year after the German surrender.

"From the sound of it, Nikolai, your world is nasty!" Pinkie exclaimed. "It's a good thing you're in Equestria now!" She hugged the Russian. "I wouldn't want anything to happen to one of my friends."

"Friends? We just met."

Pinkie chuckled. "Everypony I meet is my friend, silly willy!"

"Truthfully, Nikolai does not like the sound of living in a land of ponies," He shivered at the thought. "Girly, rainbow-farting, butt-tattooed, ponies!"

It wasn't helping the overall picture that Rainbow Dash was flying above them, leaving a trail of rainbow behind her.

Pinkie laughed at the thought of their cutie marks being flank tattoos. "Oh, Nikolai, you're so funny! These are called cutie marks. They represent our special talent."

"Well, if I were a pony, my cutie mark would be myself drinking vodka!" He smiled at the thought. "Lots and lots of vodka. . ."

Twilight rolled her eyes at the Russian's obsession for the alcoholic drink. "Why does vodka matter so much to you?"

Nikolai was still smiling at the thought of his cutie mark. "Well, everything before Shi No Numa is kinda fuzzy. I don't even remember the first encounter 27 years ago, I just remember that I had nine wives and I love vodka! Come to think it, Dempsey and Takeo can't exactly remember anything, either."

"What about Richtofen?" Twilight was inwardly connecting the dots to discover the true nature of the doctor. It all didn't add up innocently; Richtofen being a mad doctor, being partially responsible for unleashing the awakened dead, and to top it off, he was the only one to retain his memory. Nikolai just might be alright, but Richtofen was definitely bad news. She breathed a sigh of relief that it had been Nikolai instead.

"He still remembers, I think. It's hard to tell, the doctor is more focused on harvesting organs."

"Maybe I could invite him over to bake cupcakes sometime!" Pinkie Pie smiled with genuine innocence.

By now, the three ponies and their human guest had arrived into town, and Nikolai was already getting stares from the local ponies.

"Why is everyone staring at Nikolai? Did I shart again?" The drunk frowned, uneasy.

"You're the first human in Equestria, EVER! That's big news."

Nikolai groaned. "Tell that to FIMfiction."

The sound of a wall getting smashed was heard.

"C'mon! I just fixed it!" An unknown voice cried out.

Rainbow Dash finally lowered herself down to the others, again. She was floating ever so slightly above the ground, ignoring Nikolai.

"Lesbian pony has a problem with Nikolai," The drunk muttered to Pinkie. Unfortunately, he muttered just loudly enough for Rainbow Dash to hear.

"For the last BUCKING time, I am NOT a lesbian!" Rainbow Dash screamed. If any ponies were not already staring at Nikolai and the ponies before, they were now. When Rainbow Dash noticed this, her cheeks flushed the brightest shade of red they had ever seen.

"Rainbow, language!" Twilight criticized.

"Uh, sorry, I just had to get the message across."

The group traveled through town in silence, ignoring the staring ponies, until they finally reached Sugarcube Corner. As soon as all four made it inside, Nikolai shut the door. He sighed.

"Nikolai feels like he was naked. Everybody was staring at me!"

Pinkie, now in her home territory, flashed a confident grin. "Alright, everypony, here's the plan. Rainbow, you'll spread word around town, 'Welcome to our Universe' Party at Sugarcube Corner! Twilight, you get the refreshments ready! Remember, Nikolai likes vodka, but get punch for the fillies and colts, too! Nikolai. . . Just relax until the party is ready, I guess."

All three saluted at the party thrower's orders. Pinkie eyed the clock, it was 1:00 PM. "Dashie, report back at 1600 hours. Party starts at 1800."

"You sound like my superiors, pink pony. Nikolai has even more respect for you, now."

"Move, team!" She yelled at Rainbow Dash and Twilight, and they both took off immediately. Rainbow was out the door before Nikolai could blink, and Twilight had already disappeared into the storage rooms.

She turned to Nikolai, still showing a bright smile. "I'm going to take care of decorations. I'm not Rarity, but I'm pretty sure I can make this party look awesomely fantabulous!"

"That sounds nice, Nikolai will wait upstairs, maybe take another nap."

"OK, Nikolai, I'll call you down when the party is ready!" She beamed her smile.

The heavy set Russian did not reply, and chose to simply walk up the stairs, which creaked under his weight with every move. There were a few times that Nikolai was sure the steps would collapse, but they surprisingly held up, despite the fact that Nikolai was much heavier than the average pony. When he finally reached the top, he slumped down into a corner and relaxed.

For the first time since his arrival in this land, he was alone. What irked Nikolai more than anything was the fact that he was sober, and experiencing this. If he was drunk, he would wave this all off as alcohol in effect, and believe that he was back with Dempsey, who would be protecting him from the onslaught. But the signs were clear; he had clear vision, he could have rational thought, and he could understand those around him well. He groaned, to most people, being sober was a more viable alternative to being drunk just for the sake of being drunk. However, for the almost constantly drunk alcoholic, being sober was a curse. Nikolai knew it wouldn't be long before he began to suffer from withdrawal symptoms. He just hoped that the Stalliongrad vodka would be just as good for getting drunk as any.

He wondered what the other three were doing. Were they even still alive? Hopefully not Takeo. Had they moved on without him? Did they even care? The normally goofy Russian's thoughts were now deadpan serious. He worried about Dempsey, who was the only one in the group he had complete respect for. Being trapped with two high-ranking Axis Powers officers was not good. But Dempsey was tough and no-nonsense, he'd pull through, with or without Nikolai. If worse comes to worse, he even had a DG-2!

The last thing Nikolai thought before drifting off to sleep was if he would be staying in this land forever. It was obvious that he was not in Earth anymore. Whatever force guiding the teleporter had sent him somewhere else entirely. Now, he was in a place where little horses ran a peaceful civilization. No zombies were around to kill, and it was driving Nikolai, a man of war, mad.

He just hoped that this was all a bad dream and that he would wake up in the Group 935 facility again.

. . .

"Nikolai. . . Oh, Nikolai. . . NIKOLAI, WAKE UP!"

Nikolai finally jolted awake, and opened his eyes. The very first thing he saw were Pinkie's blue eyes right in his face. She looked at him with frustration, but it quickly changed to a warming smile at the sight of his open eyes.

"Oh, good-woody! You're awake just in time!" Pinkie laughed. "The party is only a few minutes away. While you were asleep, Rainbow Dash returned with a few other ponies who volunteered to help with your party."

"Wow, you really have good connections Pinkie. Nikolai applauds you. Tell me, what is your secret to get ponies to help you without pay?"

"Let's just say there ain't no party like a Pinkie Pie party. . . Plus, I kinda gave them free cake for their trouble," She admitted. "You should probably go downstairs and introduce yourself to them, they've been a big help."

Nikolai found the strength to rise to his feet and stretch his arms. "Ugh, I can't remember the last time I went this long without vodka. It's driving Nikolai crazy," he began to shuffle downstairs.

"Nikolai, wait!" Pinkie stopped him.

The Russian turned his head in the direction of Pinkie. "Yes, Pinkie Pie?"

She appeared slightly nervous. "These ponies don't know about the fact you're a, what is it Twilight said you were called again? Oh, human! Anyway, the might be a little shocked when they first see you. Please try to be patient with them, they've sacrificed hours of their time for a total stranger."

Nikolai smiled, happy that Pinkie was aware of the current stress he was under. "Thanks, Pinkie, you're Nikolai's favorite."

Pinkie couldn't have been happier. . . Well, except for that time her friends threw her a surprise birthday party.

"OK, play it cool, Nikolai. Remember, they're ponies, talking ponies that have never seen a human before. It's no big deal, you're just representing your entire species."

Upon realizing this, Nikolai felt even more stressed, and sighed. Nikolai was smarter when he wasn't under the effects of his vodka, but it wasn't worth the pressure he now felt on his shoulders. It was one thing talking to fellow Communist Party members, it was even one thing talking to his zombie-slaying comrades, but it was another entirely talking to an entirely different culture of talking horses.

Nikolai finally took a deep breath and managed to walk down the stairway. Once he looked out, he saw a total of six ponies waiting for him: Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, an almost-white pony with a wild mane and purple-tinted sunglasses, a grey pony with a more formal and refined look, a green unicorn with yellow eyes, who seemed to stare directly at Nikolai's hands, and an earth pony with a pink and blue mane who was giving the green unicorn an uneasy stare. All of the four new ponies expressed different emotions at the sight of the Russian.

The pony wearing sunglasses frowned and cocked her head. She didn't know who, or what, Nikolai was. To the right of her, the grey earth pony managed to keep her calm look, only cocking an eyebrow slightly. The green unicorn was flashing a crazed green smile, and the other earth pony was simply more concerned for the green unicorn.

"Hello, ponies, my name is Nikolai," The Russian smiled unconvincingly at the four helpers.

"Human! And it talks!" The green unicorn charged up to Nikolai, grabbed one of his hands, and seemed to closely examine it.

"Oh, you are so lucky, I wish I had hands. What are they like? Do they feel funny compared to hooves?"

Nikolai sighed. "They're great, I guess. How should I know? I never had hooves."

The green unicorn nodded. "Of course, my mistake, I'm Lyra, Lyra Heartstrings! Let me know if you ever want to hang out!" She grinned and backed away.

The pony next to Lyra calmly walked over to Nikolai, an embarrassed grin was plastered on her face.

"So, humans do exist, after all. I guess I owe Lyra 20 bits. Speaking of Lyra, she's a little crazy about your species."

"Oh, really!? Nikolai didn't notice!" He replied with sarcasm. The Russian then jumped when he saw Pinkie Pie pop out of the barrel next to him and give him a glare that practically screamed, "Be nice, or else. . ."

"Sorry, yellow pony, Nikolai's kinda cranky," Nikolai apologized.

"Don't worry about it, we all have our bad days," the yellow pony replied with an understanding smile. "I'm Bon Bon, Lyra's roommate and best friend. I try to keep her under control, but she's a wild one."

"Kinda like what Dempsey does to Richtofen, or at least tries to."

"Who and who?" Bon Bon asked, cocking her head.

"Don't worry about it, they're just two people I know."

"Oh, OK. Well, welcome to Equestria, Nikolai. I hope your stay is enjoyable."

"Thank you, Bon Bon, Nikolai appreciates your concern," Nikolai smiled warmly, faking politeness.

There was a knock on the door, and Twilight and Rainbow Dash went over to answer it. It turned out it was the first few ponies showing up for the party.

Nikolai soon heard the sound of a bass drop. Considering he was a man born in the 1890s, who had no idea what Dubstep was, this caused him to plug his ears in sudden fear. However, after hearing the music for a little while, Nikolai began to actually enjoy it. He smiled.

"My ears, they are filled with the sounds of angels. Nikolai could cry. . ."

"Well, I see Vinyl's started playing her music. Fabulous," the grey mare talked over the music with a frown.

"I take it you do not like the music of The Sunglasses Unicorn?"

"The Sunglasses Unicorn? Oh, no, her name is DJ Pon-3, well, at least that's her stage name. I don't believe we've been acquainted yet. I'm Octavia Melody, a cello player from Canterlot."

"Canterwha?" Nikolai asked. "Why do all the cities in this land have horse-pun names?"

"We are a civilization of equines. What did you expect?" Octavia asked, emotionless.

Nikolai decided to change the subject. "Do you know DJ Pon-3? You act like you know her?"

"Ah, yes, Vinyl is a very good friend of mine, always eager and passionate for her work. Even if I personally think her new-age music is trash, I still support her. She probably feels the same about me, but I'm more in control of my emotions."

"Sounds like relationship between Lyra and Bon Bon."

"You could say that. I know Lyra and Bon Bon, too. But there's a difference between Vinyl and Lyra. Vinyl is wild and crazy, and so is Lyra, but Vinyl has a much better grip on reality," Octavia looked around to make sure Lyra wasn't in earshot. "And you might want to be careful around her," Octavia managed to whisper while still being louder than the music. "She's unstable around ponies. Now that she knows humans exist, there's no telling how she will react near you. Lyra is very, VERY, unstable."

Octavia sniffed the air around Nikolai. "I know it is a rude thing for me to say right now, but you smell like you could use some lessons on hygiene," the well-intentioned mare informed. "Humans must not bathe as regularly as us ponies do."

Nikolai wasn't paying attention, though, because something had caught his eye.

It was a table absolutely covered in vodka. The Russian licked his lips in delight. For too long he had been denied this savory drink, now he would indulge.

He raced for the table, and put and hand on the first bottle he saw. Unfortunately, a hoof from a pony also reached for the bottle.

Nikolai looked up and narrowed his eyes at the mare who had reached for the bottle. Everything about her was purple, her coat, her mane, even her eyes. Her cutie mark was a strawberry right next to a number of grapes. Her mane appeared to be a little messy, as if not styled and just left natural.

She also wasn't going to give up the vodka, and she stared directly back at Nikolai, her eyes narrowing like his.

"Drinking Contest?" Nikolai challenged the mare.

"Drinking Contest," she confirmed.

Author's Note:

Whew, that's done.

Anyway, I'm glad this story is getting a fairly good amount of likes compared to dislikes. I was kind worried that nobody would show interest in this story.

Also, Berry Punch's introduction chapter!

Comments

[Death2205]

And there's the contest I was waiting for that to happen

[bennygrey]

Vodka Massacre

[zorolu]

"OK, play it cool, Nikolai. Remember, they're ponies, talking ponies that have never seen a human before. It's no big deal, you're just representing your entire species."

Nikolai is probably the worse person to represent humanity.
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Okay, I might have spoken too soon...

[Alexander Frederickson]

"He still remembers, I think. It's hard to tell, the doctor is more focused on harvesting organs."
"Maybe I could invite him over to bake some cupcakes!" Pinkie Pie smiled with genuine innocence.

OH GOD YOU HAD TO REFERENCE CUPCAKES

[IMPERIALFIST]

Oooooh those pics

[Potatoe man]

"Yes, and personally I think it's a load of-"

COMMUNISM IS BEST !

[Foxtrot315]

Vodka please no.
Nikolai your going into my belly