Of Vodka and Cider

by UglyTurnip

Plans Form, Teams Assemble

There was a beat of silence as neither man knew what to say to the other. Viktor Reznov was not a name that Nikolai was familiar with, and neither was the bearded face of a man who claimed to know a "Chernov". But there were bigger questions to ask this fellow human being than who he was. Nikolai scanned the face and body of the fellow Russian once more, but there was nothing familiar about him.

"Forgive Nikolai," he began. "But I do not know you."

Reznov put a comforting hand on Nikolai's shoulder as his facial expression drooped into a depressed frown. He reached into the inside of his breast pocket, still eyeing Nikolai, and whipped out a small, tattered crimson book. There was no title and it appeared to be a private journal.

Reznov's expression was still solemn. "Do you remember this, Chernov?"

Nikolai shook his head. "I did not keep a war diary."

Reznov grunted and put the journal into Nikolai's hands. "What did the Nazis do to you, comrade?"

Nikolai wanted to tell him the truth, but this man would probably have a hard time believing that a schizophrenic German doctor wiped his memory with magic rocks and then fought zombies with him, so he did not respond.

Reznov slid the journal into Nikolai's hands. "Keep it, Chernov. Read it later. Maybe your memories will come back to you."

Nikolai hesitated, but eventually tucked the small book into his pocket without saying a word.

Reznov lowered the lamp a little, allowing the darkness of the night to claim his hat. "There are more of us, Chernov. I was not the one that who fired that rifle shot."

"You weren't? Then who?"

"If you do not remember me, his name will not be any more significant. Come, I will lead you to the others."

"I actually need to get back to Berry and Cherry now, actually. They need Nikolai's help."

"Berry and Cherry? They sound like twin bar whores, Chernov," he smiled slyly. "I didn't know you had it in for you."

"They're not prostitues, they're ponies."

Reznov chuckled. "The same kind of ponies that are undead?"

However, Reznov did not wait for an answer as he began to walk down the road, his feet making a small pip-pap with every set of steps he took. Nikolai loaded his Olympia and followed him. He was still taking in the fact that there was another human being in his presence for the first time in over a week.

"I can't believe the Germans had a whole secret base dedicated to bringing dead horses back to life. They were a sick nation."

"This isn't a German base. It's a city."

"That can't be, Chernov. The architecture is Russian, but it's not on any map. They snuck into Soviet Russia and built this right under Stalin's nose. It makes me wonder how much money Hitler invested in this project."

"I'm telling you, Reznov, it's a city."

"A fake city."

"You're one of those, aren't you? Loopy, much?"

Reznov was silent for a second. "Whatever it is, we have to kill these things that live in it."

"That's something I can agree with. Hey, do you like vodka?"

Reznov smiled. "Who doesn't?"

Nikolai sighed longingly. "I hope to find some soon. I'm dangerously close to becoming sober."

"Maybe that's why you can't remember," Reznov muttered under his breath.

As they passed a building, they heard another gunshot right above them, followed by a third.

"Ah, he moved positions again," Reznov noted. "Sneaky bastard."

"Who?"

"It's not like the name would be familiar to you, Chernov, but that's our old pal Dimitri."

Nikolai thought about it. "I don't remember a Dimitri, either."

Reznov's tone was now significantly bitter. "I said you would not. Did I lie?"

"Woah, woah. No reason to get angry."

Only the sound of a door slowly creaking followed as neither man knew what to say to the other. Instead, they simply walked out of the empty street and into the building.

The house they were in was surprisingly clean and orderly despite the apocalypse that was happening just outside of its walls. Primitive electric lights illuminated the foyer, which had many expensive paintings hung on the walls dealing with what Nikolai presumed to be Equestrian history. The walls were decorated with an ugly pattern of beige and white vertical stripes, and the floor was made of fresh oak wood, probably imported from somewhere warmer in the kingdom. There was a staircase that led to a second floor, no doubt where this 'Dimitri' was located.

"Dimitri, are you here?" Reznov called out.

A youthful, masculine voice replied with with a simple "Da." He sounded completely unfazed by Reznov's sudden speaking despite the fact that they had entered quietly.

"What about the other guy?" Asked Reznov.

"You mean me?" Asked a figure who suddenly stepped in from another room. He looked all too familiar to Nikolai.

"Dempsey."

"No," the Dempsey look-alike shook his head. He held a standard-issue M1 Garand in his arms and a cigarette barely hung in his mouth. "Name's Polonsky."

Nikolai chuckled. "Very funny, Dempsey. Nikolai isn't stupid."

Polonsky raised an eyebrow. "I don't know a Dempsey."

Nikolai noted his voice, which lacked the gruff manliness of Tank, instead sounding more like someone who was barely an adult. However, this Polonsky had every feature of Dempsey, even the same hairstyle. Nikolai himself raised an eyebrow.

"Nikolai must be drunk again. There's just no other way."

Dimitri Petrenko walked down the stairs, clutching a scoped Mosin-Nagant bolt-action rifle. He didn't look much older than Polonsky, and he had the all-too-familiar war-weary expression that many Red Army soldiers had adopted in the final weeks of the war. There was a bloody chest bandage tightly wrapped around his shirtless body and a few holes were in his hat.

The face changed quickly once Dimitri recognized the face.

"Chernov? You're alive!?"

Reznov butted in again. "He's not Chernov, Dimitri, he's 'Nikolai'."

"What?"

"And he thinks I'm a guy called 'Dempsey," Polonsky added.

"Nikolai's just as confused as you three. Where did you come from?"

Polonsky sat down and set his Marine helmet on his head loosely. He didn't appear happy. "I don't know. We were taking Shuri Castle in Okinawa. Damn Japs killed Roebuck, and our unit was pinned down. All I remember is an explosion. The next thing I know, I'm here in this fucking place."

"No zombies?"

Polonsky cocked his head. "Zombies? Reznov, did this guy suffer a blow to the head or something?"

"Actually, I have, but that's beside the point. I've been fighting zombies with a German, an American that looks just like you, and an annoying Japanese guy."

Reznov's anger increased when he heard the word "German". "Have you been working with the Nazis, Chernov?"

"Just that one. Why?"

Reznov grabbed him by the shirt collar and violently shook the other Russian. "Damn it, Chernov! Collaborating with any Nazi is a betrayal!" He let go of Nikolai and pulled out a Tokarev pistol that had been previously hidden in his uniform. He pointed it at Nikolai and scowled. "I should kill you where you stand."

"Calm down, old man!" Polonsky stopped Reznov. "We got fucking pony zombies in a city that we don't even know shit about, and you want to kill a potential ally? Nazis aren't our problem right now!"

"He's right, Reznov," Dimitri agreed. "There are more important matters to worry about."

Reznov hesitated. "He's working with a Nazi, Dimitri, the same people who stabbed us in the back! The people who killed my father for playing music! He's corrupted!"

Nikolai stood his ground. "Are you questioning my loyalty to the motherland? I was born a proud Russian, and I will die a proud Russian!"

"A proud Russian would kill any Nazi on sight," Reznov spat.

"Nikolai had no choice!" Nikolai shouted.

"Shut up!" Polonsky broke up the argument. "You're going to alert a whole damn swarm of them."

In the following silence, there was a pound at the door, followed by another, then another.

"Never mind, too late!" The sole American of the group stated as he raised his rifle at the door.

. . .

"So, I don't think we've had time to properly introduce ourselves," the emotionless twin broke the silence.

"Oh yeah," Berry nodded. "My name is Berry Punch."

"I'm Cherry Pop. I run a bar back in Ponyville."

"A bar, you say?" The mare chuckled. She had a beige coat with an almost equally beige mane that drooped down to her lower neck. On her forehead it was neatly parted, not even a single hair was out of place. Her eyes were a cool aqua that expressed no fear, which surprised the Ponyville duo. Her cutie mark was simply a simple face that neither smiled nor frowned. "If we survive this ordeal, I would love a drink. My name is Scare Smiler. I apologize about my sister, she gets way too carried away."

The emotional twin could be heard criticizing Bertrot, who was barely containing his disdain for her. However, Berry and Cherry could not understand her because she spoke in the native Stalliongrad tongue.

"Sister!" Scarce barked. "Not now."

The twin snootily trotted to the other three mares. Unlike her sister, this twin's mane looked like it had never been styled at all; it stood straight up in some places while it haphazardly lied flatly in others. Her eyes had the same blue as her sister, but they somehow only reflected chaos and uncertainty, as well as a little haughtyness. Her cutie mark was much more elegant than Scarce's, as her's appeared to be a crimson curtain with a wooden floor.

"You may call me Curtain Call. I'm the more expressive one of the family."

"Yeah, I could see how expressive you were in trying to convince the others to abandon us," Berry spat. "Bitch."

Curtain Call's eyes flared as she got up close and personal with Berry. "You're dead weight, madam! You, her-" she pointed at Cherry, who rolled her eyes in annoyance "-and that hairless ape have no idea what's going on. If it were my way, you would be zombie lunch!" She jammed her hoof into Berry's chest, but the town drunk did not back down.

"His name is Nikolai," Berry managed through gritted teeth. "And he could kick a zombie's ass all the way to Saddle Arabia. If he were here, he'd probably do the same to your whiny ass."

"Nothing more than a brute, huh?" Curtain smirked at Berry. She then turned to Cherry. "Sounds like you're in some great company."

"Sister! Remember what I said about tact?"

Curtain turned to Scarce. "Take your tact and shove it! I want to speak what's on my mind."

Scarce remained as calm as ever. "You've spoken enough for the both of us."

Curtain snorted, but said nothing as she turned around and slowly made her way to the other side of the building. Scarce followed her

Bertrot took their place. "What's her problem? They've been nothing but trouble since I met them."

Cherry shrugged. "I think they might be a little crazy."

"Understatement of the year," Berry agreed. "They're like an emotional yin-yang."

There was an awkward pause. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've already heard my name. I'm Bertrot. I was here on business, but then this mess came along and bucked everything up."

"Your accent sounds Germane," Berry pointed out.

"Ja, I'm from the capital, Muneich. I am a courier for the government."

"We're both from Ponyville."

"I overheard. What about that ape?"

Berry suddenly became defensive. "He's not an ape. He's a human."

"Human? I'm sorry, but I don't follow."

Cherry took over. "He's from another world. Apparently he's used to this stuff," she shuddered at the thought. "I hope this is just a one-time thing for me."

Bertrot shook his head. His mane was teal and short, and his eyes were a bright amber. His cutie mark was an iron horseshoe. He was slightly underweight for a stallion of his size, and he appeared to have very little muscle mass.

"What are we going to do about your friend, Ms. . . What's your name?"

Berry's face tensed. "It's Berry Punch. We're going to find him. He's Stalliongrad's last hope. Without him, the city will fall."

Cherry disagreed. "No, we find Nikolai and any survivors left and get out of here!"

Berry growled at her close friend. "We are going to make them pay, Cherry. Nikolai knows what to do."

"What if he gets bitten? You'll never forgive yourself, Berry."

"Don't underestimate him. He can hold his own."

"I'm not, but he can't take on a city of undead by himself."

Berry was momentarily quiet. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. First things first, we get our comrade back."

Bertrot spoke up. "I'll be happy to help fix this mess. It's my fault that he's not with us."

Berry smiled slightly. "We'll need all the help we can get to get through this alive. What about the twins?"

"They have no plan and they need us just as much as we need them. I'm pretty sure they will joi-"

CRACK!

The ponies jumped as they heard the crisp, clean sound of sniper fire.

"Cherry?" Berry spoke after the sound died out.

"Y-yeah?" The pegasus managed, still shaking from the unusual noise.

"I don't think that was Nikolai's gun. It sounded less. . . brutal."

"Yeah. T-that didn't sound right, no sir."

. . .

"MAIN POWER ONLINE! AUXILIARY POWER DEACTIVATED! ROCKET APPROACHING TEST POSITION!"

The loudspeaker echoed across the facility as color and power returned to the cosmodrome. Dempsey and Takeo stood in the glass-roofed power room as they watched a Soviet space shuttle make its way to the launchpad via a large machine. It was astounding to the zombie slayers, who had traveled from 1945 and therefore missed the drama of the Space Race, to see such a mighty vessel that was capable of taking a man into the depths of space.

"Wow," Dempsey muttered just loudly enough for Takeo to hear. "Technology sure did advance in those 20-or-so years that we traveled past."

Takeo was obviously disappointed. "How could such a dishonorable nation acquire this knowledge before Japan?"

"Communism, Takeo. The people are slaves to whatever the USSR wants. All you need is one genius, a lot of workers, and some big guys with guns to scare the workers into doing their job."

"Wow, American, that was actually an intelligent observation. I have more respect for you now."

"M'urica," Dempsey saluted the sky. "Hell yeah."

Takeo frowned. "Forget what I just said. Let's focus on the rocket. What purpose does it serve?"

"INITIATING BULAR NAVIGATION SYSTEM! AWAITING SECURITY PROTOCOL 13255!"

"Security protocol 13255?" Dempsey scratched his chin. "I wonder what that means."

"I just wonder why a Russian facility's intercom is in English," Takeo noted.

"Too bad we left Richtofen to take care of the crawlers. Maybe that crazy bastard knows a thing or two about rocket science."

Takeo nodded. "I'll go fetch the dishonorable doctor.

. . .

"Aw, look at you! You're crawling to your mas- oh, you died."

Richtofen picked up the dead zombie torso and flung its body against the wall. "Verdammt! I need LIVE specimens. You there!" He pointed to one of the crawlers that was still alive and hungry. "I could use you. You're so. . . Warm, und fuzzy! You're perfect!"

"Doctor, can it wait?" Takeo's voice came calmly from behind. Richtofen, startled out of his inner thoughts, kicked the crawler into the air and watched it as it was impaled in the head by a sharp piece of debris. "Ha, I still got my aim!" He laughed. Then, he turned to Takeo, his smile vanishing as he suddenly became serious. "What do you need, Mr. Kamikaze?"

Takeo reached for his samurai sword.

"Just kidding! Take a joke!"

"Dempsey and I need you at the power station. We want you to take a look at the rocket's control panel."

"Rocket?" Richtofen questioned as he looked up into the sky. He now saw the rocket that stood erect in the air-

Richtofen snickered. "You said erect."

Damn it, Richtofen! I actually thought we would make it through the whole story without anymore character-author dialogue. So much for that.

"Sorry," Richtofen apologized. "Anyway, Takeo, I was so engrossed in my research that I didn't even notice. I will join Dempshey and see what I can do."

"Thank you. Oh, and one more thing doctor."

"What?"

In the span of a second, Takeo drew his samurai sword, grabbed Richtofen by his neck, and held him against the wall.

"I know you're not telling us everything."

Richtofen put on a hurt face and changed the tone of his voice. "Takeo, y-you don't trust me?"

Takeo's face remained emotionless. He was a difficult one to read. "Crocodile tears will not save you forever."

Richtofen continued his charade. "Crocodile tears? Takeo, I'm offended!"

The Japanese man remained unconvinced. "I'm not going to kill you, not yet anyway."

"Smart move, my friend. Without me, you and that stupid American would know nothing."

Takeo pressed the sword to Richtofen's throat. "Just remember that I am watching you really closely, doctor. One false move is all it will take for me to end your wicked life. Got it?"

Richtofen tried to nod, but couldn't.

"I'll take that as a yes," Takeo said as he let go of Richtofen and sheathed his sword. "Now, let's go see what Dempsey wants, shall we?"

Richtofen gulped. "Uh, ja, ja. Let's go."

. . .

"Let's see here, maybe I should just press the big shiny red button. It might just be crazy enough to work," Richtofen mumbled as he glanced over the console.

Dempsey spoke up. "Don't you know anything? The big red button is never meant to be touched."

"Oh, so you mean it's. . . Off limits?" Richtofen mumbled seductively. "That's how I like it."

Dempsey sighed as he impatiently shoved the mad doctor away and stepped up to the control panel himself. "I don't think he is going to be much help, Tak."

The samurai only nodded, though Dempsey was too focused on the controls to notice.

"Why did it have to be Nikolai?" Dempsey asked out loud as he tried to make sense of the schematics. However, while the intercom voice spoke English, everything else was written in Russian Cyrillic. "It's no good, nobody here speaks Russian anyway."

"Perhaps-"

They sky suddenly turned into a bright orange as alarms blared loudly.

"WARNING! RE-ENTRY DETECTED! ALL SECURITY PERSONNEL ON HIGH ALERT!"

Multiple large impacts around the cosmodrome caused the ground to shake violently, and the trio reached for their weapons.

"When did the crawler die!?" Richtofen shouted. "I wanted to play with him a little longer."

Not long after that, a piece a poop broke through the glass rooftop and landed on Takeo's hat.

"Ew!"

Author's Note:

Still not dead!

I'll tell you right now; the next chapter will be long, and I mean loooooooooooonnnnggggg!

And where did all these other humans come from anyway? And will Nikolai shoot zombie idea Flash Sentry?

Yes. Yes he will. In the face. Multiple Times.

Comments

[Fading Soul]

Not long after that, a piece a poop broke through the glass rooftop and landed on Takeo's hat.

Wut

[jlbfanfic2000]

That ending do best fucking ending

[jlbfanfic2000]

5612496 I think their in ascension the monkeys invade every five rounds to stell their perks and whatnot

[UglyTurnip]

5615442 Yep. You could even say that they aren't prepared for the shitstorm that's coming.

Wow, that sounded slightly funnier in my head...

[jlbfanfic2000]

5616243 it was still pretty funny

[Kiu1q2w]

Will there be Leprokhans in the next update?

[UglyTurnip]

5622513 Gimme sum uf dem drugs u smokin

[UglyTurnip]

5633816 Dude, gimme da drugs o Fok uf

[UglyTurnip]

5671652 Arr, captain, does this mean I don't have to walk the plank?

[UglyTurnip]

5719965 Something about stealing wafers, I think?

*random person whispers into ear*

Oh, waifus. What's a waifu?

[Psycho]

I like this. Liked and in my read later list.

I will be watching. From the shadows. With my flamethrower.