Of Vodka and Cider

by UglyTurnip

Of Ponies and Drunks

Author's Note:

Well, what a strange concept, Nikolai and Berry Punch. Well, it's a long story involving a joke that my friend named Marc made about how they were perfect for each other

And a lightbulb clicked above my head.

And this story was born. More chapters will be coming soon, and I can't wait to work on this story.

And of course, there's fourth wall-breaking. It IS a humor-based story, after all.

Of Vodka and Cider

Chapter 1: Of Ponies and Drunks

The night sky over the factory shimmered as the three super soldiers and their mad doctor went about slaying zombies. Tank Dempsey was standing next to the STG-44, utilizing the corner for wiping out the approaching zed. Not too far from the American was one of his comrades, Nikolai Belisnki, who was clutching his head in obvious pain. He sat in Teleporter C, not even aware of the surrounding zombies.

"Ugh, stop shooting!" Nikolai shouted irritably at his nearby friend. "Nikolai needs some peace and quiet!"

"I know you're hungover, Nikolai," Dempsey shot back, "But we have freakbags to take care of first!" He shook his head. In his eyes, Nikolai's constant state of drunkeness was one of the biggest liabilities the group had to deal with. Now, for once, Nikolai was actually sober, but it was having an opposite effect, a grisly hangover. The drunk Russian's MP40 was not even in his hands, laying softly on the ground next to him. Dempsey had to deal with the approaching zombies himself, with no backup.

Takeo and Richtofen were nowhere nearby, but a pair of distant gunshots was audible, signaling that they were still around somewhere in the factory. Dempsey, as much as he hated to admit it, would have loved some backup right now. The zombies were getting out of control, even with his . 357 Magnum and Speed Cola.

"Takeo! Richtofen!" The American called out. No response from either.

"Shit," he grumbled. "I could use some help here, guys!" Dempsey announced into the surrounding air. Still no response. His voice was likely drowned out by the gunfire of the three shooters.

"Nikolai! Work with me here!" Dempsey half-ordered and half-pleaded. His magnum had just clicked, and the zombies were approaching the drunk Russian. It would only be a few seconds before they got to Nikolai.

In a moment of desperation, Dempsey drew his backup weapon, a Wunder-Waffe DG-2. He only had a few shots left for emergencies, but this definitely was an emergency. Nikolai, drunk as he could be, was still a valuable asset to the team, an he could not be killed. Dempsey wasted no time pulling the trigger that fired a bolt of lightning intended for the front-most zombie in the line.

What happened next was all due to a misfire.

The lightning bolt did not hit its intended target, but rather the teleporter itself. The machine began to sputter and blare a loud alarm. Any zombie that still tried to enter it was inexplicably zapped.

"Ohhhhh," Nikolai muttered, intrigued by the blinking red light inside the teleporter. "Such pretty red light."

"Nikolai! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A shrill German voice bellowed distantly. Dempsey's head turned to the entrance of the room they were in as Richtofen entered, followed by a silent Takeo. Tank began to grow a worried expression on his face. Richtofen immediately threw down his weapon and sprinted to the teleporter, but was too late. He was thrown back onto the ground. There was nothing he could do.

The teleporter fired a strange blood-red lighting that surrounded Nikolai. However, the drunk Russian did not seem to be affected by the element. Instead he began to laugh. Dempsey and Richtofen watched helplessly and fearfully, not knowing what would happen to the drunk. Nikolai took note of this and simply gave them a shrug.

"What? It tickles!"

Takeo simply watched with growing boredom, still showing little interest in the matter. This should be expected from the man who shared a bitter rivalry with the drunk Russian. He was the only one not showing any sort of concern for Nikolai's safety.

And then, in a flash of light, Nikolai and the teleporter suddenly vanished from sight.

"Our team has been purged of dishonor," Takeo muttered, trying not to crack a smile and dance happily.

Richtofen just stood there, not saying anything to anyone, his eye twitching slightly.

"Uh, are you OK, doc?" Dempsey asked.

"NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!" He shouted at the roof above. "My grand scheme is ruined!"

"Uh, how exactly did your 'grand scheme' get ruined?" Dempsey inquired.

"Because we need four players to do the Shrangri-La Easter Egg!" Richtofen began to sob loudly. Dempsey and Takeo exchanged confused glances.

Meanwhile, Nikolai and the teleporter were sent to several universes that simply did not want the drunk in their presence.

For example, when sent to the universe of Courage the Cowardly Dog, Nikolai and Courage simply screamed wildly at each other, the dog scared of the drunk Russian, and the Russian scared of the CGI King Ramses that was behind Courage. Luckily, Nikolai was then sent away before the King could curse him, too.

It was one cartoon universe after another, with Nikolai always screaming at the characters for no reason.

Eventually, the teleporter appeared in the Everfree Forest in Equestria, and proceeded to shut down. Nikolai peeped out of the teleporter, and upon seeing no life forms, uttered a weak "Hello?"

Fearful that there may be zombies here, too, and now somewhat over his headache, Nikolai grabbed his MP40 and began to slowly walk out of the teleporter.

"Wow, it's darker than my home during my first marriage, first wife looked too much like Nikolai!" He talked to himself, still thinking that the others were with him. He looked around, expecting a response from someone.

"Oh, yeah, I'm alone. Great."

Fluttershy was happily attending to her plants and animals outside, gently singing a melody to calm the animals. She truly was one with nature, with all the animals she had. Celestia had raised the sun to reveal another cloudless, sunny day. The pegasi had not scheduled a rain until the weekend, so there was watering that needed to be done. Fluttershy went about her work, still quietly singing to herself.

"Finally!" She heard a voice with a noticeable Stalliongrad accent."I can see a light. Nikolai has conquered you, hell-forest!" Fluttershy immediately began to show interest in this distant voice, coming from the nearby edges of the Everfree Forest. Nopony in town that she knew had such a strong Stalliongrad accent. Whoever it was must be from out of town, but what was he doing inside the Everfree Forest?

She hovered quietly next to the edges of the forest, but did not go into it. "Um, hello?" She squeaked.

"A voice!" Nikolai perked up, still inside the forest and currently not in Fluttershy's sight. "Hello, my name is Nikolai. Where is the vodka?"

"Wawdka?" Fluttershy asked, confused. "Uh, I'm sorry, I truly am, but, I don't know what wawdka is."

"Oh, how could you NOT know about vodka?! It's the nectar of the gods!"

"You mean, Goddesses, uh, right?" Fluttershy thought this guy seemed a little crazy. Could he be suffering from a heat-caused delusion? It was a hot day, after all. . .

"No, gods, actually, one god, Nikolai is monotheistic," the Russian corrected himself.

Mono-wha? It's a proven fact that both Celestia and Luna are female Goddesses. This guy must really be nutty. Fluttershy decided that she would invite this poor stallion into her cottage for a drink and cool-off. That should cure the heat delusions.

"Listen, uh, Nikolai wasn't it? Sorry if I got it wrong!" She quickly added.

"Yes, Nikolai, what do you need, young lady?"

"How about you come with me into my cottage for a drink and cool air? If that's OK with you, of course!"

Nikolai, obviously thinking that by 'drink', she meant 'alcoholic beverage' instantly jumped out of the forest happily.

"Of course, young lad-"

He was instantly cut off by the rather surprisingly quiet scream of a yellow pegasus with a pink mane, which quickly flew back in fear.

Wait, a yellow pegasus? Nikolai realized that he had probably drank too much again. He shrugged carelessly.

Fluttershy was absolutely terrified by the. . . Creature that was in front of her. She scrambled for words to say, but all that came out were a few whimpers. It wasn't helping that Nikolai was still carrying his MP40.

Nikolai flashed a friendly smile, confused by why the creature was scared of him. "Don't worry, I'm not a zombie."

Fluttershy stopped whimpering long enough to say "Zombie?"

"Yeah, you know, zombies," there was an awkward pause. "I'm not one."

More awkward silence followed, Fluttershy was now more confused than fearful. Perhaps she should also invite Twilight over. If there was anyone who would know about rare creatures like this, it would be her.

"So, um, lead the way," Nikolai insisted. "Nikolai is... Lost."

Fluttershy nodded, deciding to trust that the creature was friendly. "Of course, follow me. . . If that's OK with you."

"Da!" Nikolai interjected happily, slightly startling Fluttershy again. "Oh, sorry, yellow pony."

Fluttershy politely opened the door for Nikolai, and they stepped inside her humble abode. She led him to her couch, and allowed him to sit down. He did so. Fluttershy noted that he reeked of alcohol, dirt, and. . . Was that. . . Blood?!

Still somehow managing her polite smile, she squeaked out "Just relax for a little while, and I bring out the drinks.

"Sounds like good plan, little pony," Fluttershy smiled, this creature at least gave off a friendly vibe. Nikolai yawned.

And not long after Fluttershy left the room, he was fast asleep.

Richtofen finally regained composure and eyed Dempsey.

"You need to fix this mess, American. It is all your fault!"

"What?" Dempsey asked. "Why just me?"

"Not just you," Richtofen corrected with a sly smile. "Me and you."

"What about him?" Dempsey pointed at Takeo, who sat in a corner, trying to pick his nose without anyone looking.

"He hates Nikolai too much," Richtofen reasoned. "He might even try to sabotage our efforts,"

"Hey!" Takeo angrily interjected. "I can hear this dishonorable conversation."

"Shut up, you're the least liked character by the fans!"

Takeo just simply crossed his arms and pouted.

Dempsey changed the conversation back to the problem at hand. "What do we do about Nikolai?"

"Hmm, oh yes! I hypothesize that if element 115 can cause warping, maybe we can fix a device to home in on the teleporter, and find Nikolai. There's no telling where he ended up."

"And how will that work, exactly?"

Richtofen threw his hands up in the air, but retained a crazy smile. "I don't know! But that will be the fun part!" Dempsey was unnerved by the doctor's grin.

He sighed. This would take awhile.

Comments

[wowreally]

Great writing, need more.

[EdgeLordpone]

"We need four players to do the Shangri la easter ege!!!!!"
Favorite part.

[Grayfire]

Nice ending to the chapter but when he says "I don't know! But that will be the fun part!" I would have put

[Magnificent Bastard]

This made me laugh, you earned a like.

[Guner]

Russian scared of the CGI King Ramses that was behind Courage. Luckily, 

that gave me nightmares won i was 5

[Kingmoonwar19]

6502912
I right clicked and looped it … way did I do this to me

[Nutella-warrior]

Is it just me or does Richtofen seem more self aware than the others?

[Foxtrot315]

Dempsey wunderwaffe dg2 yep sounds like me.