Doctor and Derpy

The Doctor and Derpy from their first encounter to after Dinky.

Chapters (3)

The TARDIS Lands · 8th Jun 2014 · 410 words
410
Download .txt
Download .html
Ponyville · 17th Jun 2014 · 368 words
368
Download .txt
Download .html
Bigger On The Inside · 17th Jun 2014 · 290 words
290
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 3 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

TheRoyalSisters

TheRoyalSisters #1 · Aug 14th, 2014 · · · Bigger On The Inside ·

This,this is bad. The grammer, the structure, the awkwardness and you thinking that the doctor always picks his first companion by looking at her.

The doctor is incredibly OCC in this story,just because he's a pony does not make him a different character! The doctor does not tell the truth to the first magical talking pony he sees, then lie to her for no apparent reason ( even though she already knows pretty much everything in like, 8 simple structured sentences). The doctor should be shocked by the fact he is now a pony and his TARDIS fell out the sky and he shouldn't be judging Ditzy so harshly on the fact that he just met her.

An easy way to correct this is to memorize how the doctor acts in doctor who and how he would probably act in this situation. What I do when I encounter when i do crossover is watch some episodes to catch-up on the characters character.

When a pony or something in a story is talking to another, try not to use the word 'said' all the time after they talk, this can be very annoying to the reader after a while

for example, you wrote:

"Yes it's the TARDIS which stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space" he said.
"So your saying this box is a time machine space ship thing"I said confused.
"Well yes but without the thing part." he said

try using a wide verity like:

"Yes it's the TARDIS which stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space" he said as he smiled to himself at the long complicated name.
I was confused and tried repeating the words on my tongue, but it didn't come out quiet right."So your saying this box is a time machine space ship thing?"
"Well yes but without the thing part." he groaned, more to himself than to me.

And you should also try writing paragraphs, not writing a sentence and pressing that enter button write away.

sadly it gets annoying.
And it not a very good writing technique.
(And a bad habit)
don't you agree?

Last but certainly not least try to make it a bit longer. For example, the beginning was very short and rushed.

you wrote:

Hi my name is Ditzy Doo or as most people call me Derpy Hooves, I live in Ponyville.
Today is just like any other day in Ponyville and I was delivering mail like usual when in my right eye, I see something in the sky. I concentrate to get both of my eyes to look at it. What I saw confused me.

try adding length and something that draws the reader in:

I sighed longingly as I finally trotted my way to the top of the hill, the early morning sun reflecting of the many rooftops in the not-so-far distance. Familiar birds sang in the tree-tops as I took-in the wonderful view, one of my eyes acknowledging it and the other staring at the paved path witch reminded me I had a road to walk.
Flipping my blond mane away from my 'normal' eye I set to work with my daily routine, delivering the mail to the lucky ponies who are able to enjoy this view everyday. I can't say I'm not envious, even though the ponies up here hardly ever notice what they've got.
Anyway I think iv'e side-tracked a bit...my name is Ditzy Doo, well at-least I think it is since I nearly forget because most ponies normally call me Derpy. And Where do I live you ask? Well i live in the oh-so-wonderful town of Ponyville of course!

Anyway I'm sure you can really improve this from bad-to-good if you try!

(here's a follow and a like to get you motivated)

4 hours of the best epic motivational music:

p.s why did you you out that london is in Europe? that's like me saying that Washington D.C is in north america or that Hong Kong is in asia! (it's just kinda confusing!

djfew

djfew #2 · Aug 15th, 2014 · · · Bigger On The Inside ·

Thanks for the helpful criticism, I didn't wanna make him act surprised because Thatcher happened in Ponies with Pockets did with their story so I didn't want to copy it. But thank you for telling me what's wrong with it, I will try my best to make this story better! :)

TheRoyalSisters