Chapter 1
The Knight Rider of Equestria
My name, heh, my name is Michael Knight and yes before you say anything, I am related to the same Michael Knight who drove a T-top Trans Am in the 80s and a Shelby GT500KR Mustang in the mid-2000s. They are my Grandfather and Father respectively but I have one difference that neither them nor anyone else on Planet Earth has. You see when I was three years old, I went with my parents on a search of some ruins, and as luck found it that where I accidently opened a secret room in those ruins and somehow (none of us can explain it to this day 22 year later) I was bestowed the powers of what I call is the Windragon. I can grow wings and use the wind around me for attacks. It’s totally awesome and has come in handy so many times but enough about my family history, this story is about me, or about me and my car when the two of us stumbled into a mysterious and completely random incident that would change our lives. (Before I go on, if you don’t know about the Michael Knights, we all drive a car called KITT which has AI and a bunch of really cool gadgets that I won’t get into detail about). Now before I tell you the story, I need to tell you that, yes, I am a brony and like a loyal brony, I watched every episode of MLP to this day, or so I think, I’ve been without TV for 3 years that I don’t know if it went to a fourth season or not. SO, now to continue to the story about a man and his car, and how one brief moment would change the lives of both of them.
The day began like any other day. Waking up to Sonic Youth by Crush 40 and having my phone going off thirty times with comments for my Spitfire page that I admin. Yep, things were just “great” after the government decided to shut down funding for Knight Industries and FLAG, of which I worked for. The only good thing that came out of that was that I still had enough cash to live on, and I kept the car. So following my usual schedule I walked into the kitchen and looked on my calendar. It was my birthday that day. So in “celebration” I decided to go down to a bakery in midtown Sacramento and buy myself a cake.
I live near the Sacramento International Airport so the drive was a pretty long one to get to midtown. So I walked outside to get into my car and felt something amiss in the breeze. Over the years I’d gotten adapt at reading the wind to sort of tell me that I was going to have a good or bad day, but that day, I couldn’t read it. It was a jumbled mess of chaos, classic signs of Discord if he existed. So I ignored it and drove to that bakery, bought myself that cake and breakfast and drove home and what happened on that drive I’ll never be able to explain. The freeway was empty, not exaggerating, there were no other cars except me and KITT, so I did my usual and ignored the speed limit. Then it happened. Right in front of me a portal opened up and since I was going close to 150 mph, I couldn’t avoid it and drove straight into it. What happened next I’ll never forget it. I screeched to a halt in a castle leaving tire marks on the floor that was so clean that you could eat off it, until I arrived. I immediately got out, turned around and there sitting on the throne was Princess Celestia in all her glory, eyes wide open and mouth agape at the sight of my, one arriving unannounced and two, leaving tires marks on her floor.
I was the first to speak.
“Umm, where the heck am I? I don’t think I’m on earth anymore considering the fact that there is a horse that looks like Princess Celestia sitting there on a throne.
“That’s because I am Princess Celestia, now who are you? What are you? And what is that thing that you just got out of?” says the Princess still in complete shock, pointing at my car.
“This? This is my car, KITT. I am a human from earth and you can’t be Celestia that’s just not possible.”
“Well, it is and I am Celestia. Why would that not be possible?”
“Because you are a…” I stop myself in midsentence and realize what has just happened. Apparently that portal that I couldn’t avoid was a portal leading me into Equestria, and I was in fact standing in front of Celestia with my car having left long tire marks on her floor. “Never mind, that’s not important now, the real importance to me is where Luna, your sister, is, shouldn’t she be with you.”
Apparently she seemed a little upset at this remark and I soon found out why. “One I don’t know how you know Luna, or you knew my name, but Luna has been locked on the moon for nearly a thousand years for trying to bring eternal darkness to Equestria.”
“Oh, I’m sorry” I tell her and then look down and say so quietly that only I could hear. “Great of all the times I could have arrived. I decide to arrive at the time when Luna is about to break free of the moon as Nightmare Moon.”
Celestia had regained her composure and looked sternly at me. “Now why are you here and what is that thing that you called a car?”
“To put it bluntly, I don’t know why I am here. I was just driving home, a little too fast some might say, and a portal appeared in front of me and here I am arriving in your castle” I turn to where I entered and see the tire marks I made. “Umm, I’ll clean those up.”
She doesn’t show any emotion, so I’m not sure if she is thinking about how I’m here or how to get rid of me. “A portal randomly appearing in front of you, sounds like Twilight might be up to something.” She turns to one of the guards of whom I didn’t even know was there. “Go fetch me Twilight Sparkle at once.”
“Yes, your majesty”
He leaves in a hurry and returns soon with Twilight. As soon as they enter I nearly pass out because it is nearly too much for me to take. I am actually living a bronies dream to be in Equestria and see these ponies. A freak of nature and I am thanking God that it happened to me on my Birthday.
Twilight speaks a little nervous. “You wanted to see me Princess Celestia?”
“Yes, were you working or experimenting with any portal spells recently today?”
“No, I haven’t been working on one. There was one in my book that I noticed and was about to try when you summoned. Why do you ask?”
“Because this thing, a human he says, entered into my castle and claims that he arrived through a portal, and you seem to be the only pony that would be working on a portal spell here.” She points at me while still looking at Twilight, a little confused if you asked me.
Twilight looks all sorts of confused, one because she can’t understand what I or KITT are, and two how that could have even been possible for the two of us to arrive here. “I’m sorry Princess; I don’t know how that could have happened.” She bows in apology. “I’m sorry and I’ll put this right.”
Now this is where I start to freak out a bit. Because I honestly have wished for this to happen to me for many years and now that it has, I don’t want it to end. Thankfully though, and again for reasons I don’t understand, she couldn’t perform the spell that apparently was the cause of my arrival.
“I don’t understand I’m doing it correctly. There should have been a portal to take him home right there, but there isn’t.” Twilight says, confused at the spell and is looking multiple times in the book to make sure she was doing it correctly.
Then all three of us hear a maniacal laughter, one of which that makes me wish I was dreaming.
“Oh of course not you silly foal and foolish princess, I wouldn’t want Mike to go back to Earth so soon. I want him here, where I can easily kill him, take his power, and overtake the throne.”
Celestia looks around confused and angered that her position was just threatened. “Who are you?! State your business!”
The voice only laughs. “I heard that you always went straight to the point and it looks like the rumors were true. I’m not here for you “Tia” I’m here for the little boy standing next to his precious car. I’m here to kill and absorb the power of Michael Knight. Once I’m done with him, you will be next. I’ll take your throne and rule over Equestria.”
Celestia looks down at me. “Do you know who this is? Why does she know you?”
I’m still standing there in shock from seeing the ponies and now from the voice but eventually I catch my bearings and respond trying to keep the fear out of my voice. “Her name is Killbeat; she is a bicorn about your size and is definitely powerful. She is able to make your worst nightmares come to life and use them to torture you until she kills you but before you actually die, she steals all your power and it feels like she’s stealing your soul. She means what she says, I don’t know if I can beat her on my own. I may need help.”
Killbeat laughs again. “Oh are we scared Mikey? Afraid that you are going to die today? Well you should be afraid, I’ve absorbed the power from many people since you last saw me, and I’m much stronger. You will die today and your power will be mine.” As soon as she finishes I get kicked in the back and fly into Celestia as Killbeat stands next to my car smiling widely. “I’ll kill you and take the throne and don’t worry Celestia; I’ll make you suffer before I take the throne. I do believe that this little filly is your favorite student, am I right?” She starts to walk slowly to Twilight, who is cowering in fear too afraid to move while Celestia and I are still getting back up.
Finally Celestia and I regain our bearings just in time to look up and see Killbeat holding Twilight by her head. I never know how she does it, but sometimes Killbeat has hooves, sometimes she has hands. I have no idea how that works.
“Please let her go, he and I are the ones you want, leave Twilight out of this.” Celestia said with obvious concern in her voice.
Killbeat doesn’t let go and just smirks deviously.
“If you want your precious student back, then bring him to the old ruins in the Everfree Forest. There we will see who lives and who dies.”
She disappears and only her maniacal laughter can be heard.
I’m running to my car, get in and start my 700 horsepower 5.4 liter supercharged V8 making such a noise that Celestia flinches from it. She walks up to the window of which is rolled down.
“Do you even know how to get to the Everfree Forest?” She asked.
I just shrug my shoulders. “Well I can from Ponyville; I was planning on driving on the train tracks till I get there then go to Everfree.”
“Well, I can teleport us there in an instant.”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot you can do that.”
“How do you know so much about me and Equestria? You obviously are not from this world.” She asked giving me a look that says, give me the wrong answer and when this is over, you’re going to the moon.
“I can’t explain that now, I would have to show you, but after we save Twilight. Now.”
The trunk on KITT opens and I pull out two golden wristbands and put them on.
“Are you going to teleport us or not?”
A small tornado forms around my body and when it disperses, I’m standing with a pair of white wings, white armor and twin white swords in both hands. Celestia stands there in shock at my transformation.
“O-ok.”
Her horn glows and we arrive outside the ruins. The sight of which makes me nearly faint, yet again. (Seeing a pattern here with the sights of Equestria?) I’m standing in front of the ruins where the Mane Six find the Elements of Harmony.
“Dear God, please don’t let me be dreaming because if I am, this is the cruelest dream ever.” I whisper to myself as we walk into the ruins.
We walk in side by side as I’m looking all around making mental pictures of this moment. A maniacal laugh stops my sightseeing as in a reenactment of how Twilight met Nightmare Moon here, Killbeat steps up on the pedestal in a cloud of dark smoke.
She laughs. “Well, well, you two seem impatient to meet your doom.”
Celestia just glares at Killbeat.
“Where is Twilight Sparkle?!”
“Relax, Celle, she is right there.”
Killbeat points at a wall and the smoke clears revealing Twilight shacked to the wall with magic resistant shackles.
“If you two can defeat me, she will automatically be freed. But that will never happen.” She smirks.
Celestia growls and charges Killbeat horn pointed forward as the two clash and I kid you not, Celestia took to the air and copied the battle she had or will have with Queen Chrysalis, but this time Celestia is victorious and stands over Killbeat threateningly.
“Give Twilight back to me, NOW!”
Killbeat just smirks and disappears in a cloud of smoke and we, somehow, are surrounded by a forest and out of the trees walks the only pony that guarantees this is an illusion, Celestia’s sister, Luna. Celestia runs to her and tries to hug her but Luna just turns away.
“Why do you try to hug us? You banished us to the moon for one thousand years. You obviously don’t love us. You have never loved us.”
Celestia is already in tears.
“Luna, I have missed you so much. I was foolish to send you away for so long. Please forgive me.”
Luna doesn’t even turn around.
"No, we shall never forgive thee. If you had missed me, why were we there for so long?"
Luna smiles evilly as Celestia falls to the ground crying as more Luna’s surround her each with the same evil smile. I remember how Killbeat works and run to Celestia’s side.
“Celestia, this isn’t real, Killbeat is trying to mess with your mind. This is all an illu…..argh!”
All at once, the Luna’s fire a magic blast at me. The shockwave slams me into a nearby wall cracking most of my armor and draining most of my energy as I groan to get back up. In an instant Killbeat has one of her hands on my throat, choking me.
“I told you today would be your end. Now good bye, Michael Knight!”
Killbeat laughs maniacally as she tightens her grip on my throat as I reach out to Celestia pleading for her help. Suddenly, something sparks in Celestia’s eyes as her mood changes and she returns to her hooves.
“You are not my sister. For one you would never attack an innocent being who was trying to help me, and another is that you’re still on the moon, unfortunately. Now begone you foul creatures!”
Her horn glows as all four Luna’s try to strike her but Celestia quickly destroys them and charges at Killbeat.
“You will let Michael and Twilight go!”
“You’re a fool Celestia.” Killbeats horn glows as she blasts Celestia into another wall. She laughs again.
“I’ve taken most of Michael’s power. Now I have more power than even you! Equestria is mine!”
As she goes back to choking me, Celestia’s and mine eyes meet and her horn glows along with my body as I feel my strength return to me and kick Killbeat off me.
“What?! What is going on?!” She fires two blasts from her horn at me that just bounce off me as I stand there looking at my body as my armor changes from white to gold and I now have two sets of wings.
“NO! I will not lose. It is my destiny to take over Equestria!” She fires two more blasts at me.
“This power is amazing!” I see the blasts, create my wind swords, of which haven’t changed and deflect both the blasts.
“Killbeat, you prey on the fears of others for your own pleasure. It’s time to put an end to you.” Both of my sets of wings spread to full girth. “Now! Double Wing Tornado!!” From both sets of wings, a tornado is launched drilling through Killbeat.
“NO! It was my destiny!!” She screams as she fades from life with a huge hole in her midsection from the tornadoes. I run over to Celestia and fly her, and the now free Twilight, back to the castle and put her in bed to rest as I return to KITT with Twilight following me.
“Wow, what a change, I’ve never seen a being with two sets of wings.”
“Yes, I read about this in the ruins where I got these powers. This is my Commando form, it feels amazing.” A small tornado forms around me returning me to a normal person as I get in my car.
“Get some rest Twilight; you need it after what happened today.”
She nods and lies down next to KITT as I close the scissor door and sleep in the driver seat, waking up to the sight of Celestia talking to Twilight in front of my car.
“Good Morning Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle.”
“Good morning, we were talking about you just now.”
“Oh yeah, what about me?”
“Your departure from us, Twilight, if you please.”
Twilight’s horn glows as a portal opens in front of me. Celestia holds her hoof to the portal.
“There is your way home, you are free to leave. Thank you for freeing Twilight and saving me. If you want anything before you leave, please tell me.”
I start my engine but hesitate to move forward to my portal home. I sigh and lean out the window.
“Can I stay?”
“Excuse me?” Celestia says while looking puzzled.
“Can I stay and learn more about Equestria. That is what I want.”
“You are abandoning your world for our less advanced one?”
“Yes, my world is corrupt and cruel. Here it is peaceful. It would be amazing to stay here. I would have to hide KITT though.”
The portal closes.
“Very well, if you want to stay, you may stay. You will live with Twilight and learn alongside her as my student.”
“Thank you, Princess Celestia.” I bow very gracefully. “But, what about my car?”
“We will build a place for you to leave it and we will find a way for you to call it, somehow, when you need it.”
“I’ve got the calling part partially covered. Thank you again Princess Celestia.”
And that is my story. Since that day I have literally lived the events of MLP: FIM in the exact order of the episodes. I actually got to partake in all of the “episodes”; I must say that Winter Wrap Up was as disorganized as it looked until Twilight took control. And then there was the coronation of Twilight. It was a proud moment, since I was living with her for three years. Shining Armor and I both shed tears of liquid pride like a man and a stallion. But there was a surprise at the Coronation Celestia welcomed me as an official citizen of Equestria for my services to the nation. So this is how my life completely changed in one drive home. Well excuse me. Pinkie Pie is throwing me a Birthday party and Twilight’s Coronation party. Yep, today has been three years since I came to Equestria. As a final note I will say that I returned to Earth a couple times, but only to get internet so I could download plans for the tech I helped develop. Ok, I need to get going before Pinkie has Applejack lasso and drag me in there. This is Michael Knight signing off on April 21st 2015. It’s time to turbo boost into the future with new adventures to come. See ya on the next gear. Ok Pinkie, I’m coming!
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You can improve. You can write a better story than this.
It looks to me, and I might be wrong here, that this is the first fanfic you've ever written. Now, you've got a reasonable basic idea - introducing KITT and Micheal Knight the Third to Equestria - but your execution of the idea could use some serious work.
For a start - and, if you remeber nothing else that I say, then remember this part - show, don't tell. Just about every writer's guide will tell you the same thing, and that's because it's one of the most important things to know about writing.
To take one example:
"copied the battle". When I read that phrase, I'm not imagining the battle with Killbeat. I'm more likely to be imagining Celestia being defeated by Chrysalis. You need to be more descriptive; I'd probably have put that scene something like this:
You see the difference? Instead of just telling the reader that Celestia won, you need to show the reader that Celestia won.
This also brings me to my next point: Michael's superpowers. Again, you've told us about them - you haven't shown them. Having them stem from some ancient artifact that no-one really understands is fine; but don't just tell us what they are, show them in use. One way to do that might be to have an early scene where, for example, before Michael enters the portal, someone tries to hijack KITT. The reader knows that this will end badly for the hijacker (especially if he succeeds); but this would also create the perfect opportunity for Michael to grow wings and show, not tell, what his superpowers can do, at least at basic level (the scene would presumably end with the hijacker fleeing for his life, while Michael calmly goes back to finish the lunch he had been eating).
And for my third point (this is more a case of something I just found a little irritating than anything else); you've written a fanfic including KITT in which KITT never says a word. KITT never gets to show off his indestructability; he never manages to drive himself. KITT's role in this story could easily be taken by an ordinary car, or even by a bicycle! What's the point of having a Knight Rider crossover in which KITT doesn't make a single comment? Not to mention which, certain logical questions regarding KITT in Equestria (like what he would do for fuel?) don't appear to have been addressed, or even considered.
I think that those three points are sufficient for the moment; there are other things that you could do to improve your next story, but by far the most important one is this - show, don't tell. It's probably also a good idea to read other people's stories, see what they do right, and then learn to do the same yourself. For an excellent example of a story to learn from, allow me to recommend Skywriter's Princess Celestia Hates Tea - a silly premise, but handled very skillfully. Or Whom The Princesses Would Destroy, by GhostOfHeraclitus, in which Twilight makes a surprise visit to Canterlot.
Yeah this was my first ever fanfic that I wrote and I'll admit, it mostly was written during class periods when the class was boring so I will admit that I should have put a bit more effort into it. I plan to potentially do something else with this, like a second chapter, so for that I'll try to input more showing into the writing and more detail into the different aspects of the storyline. Thank you for the advice.
Okay where to begin...
Well, I'd like to say the story is not BAD. Not great, but it has promise and the idea is interesting. I'll go ahead and list off some of the things that I've spotted that need work. (Save for the already mentioned "show not tell" thing by the previous comment). As well as throw in some pointers for writing in general at the end.
1-Spacing
This one is by far the most obvious problem. Adding a space between paragraphs, as well as knowing when to stop a paragraph and start a new one, makes a story seem much less like a massive wall-o-text. This can be as simple as just going to the end of each paragraph and hitting the "enter" key, while breaking up paragraphs might require a bit more time and effort, and is usually helped by having an editor or two (see tips at the end).
2- Grammar
While this wasn't too noticeable for me at first, it got more apparent as the characters began speaking. It's nothing too serious, but there are several points that should have a comma or period. I'll go through at some point in the near future and try to pick out what I can then (bit low on time at the moment, have other things I need to attend to).
3- Pacing
This really should not be a one-shot, the actions of this story are much more suited for a short story at the very least. But due to it being a one-shot, there's no real pacing. Everything happens so fast, it's hard to get all that interested in anything. There's little to no tension or suspense, things just...happen. This is a bit harder to fix, as it would more than likely require a full rewrite of the story, but overall would benefit the story greatly.
4- Emotion
this ties in with CCC's show/tell comment, emotion is one area of a story that benefits from a decent amount of description (so long as it's done right). Example- When Michael ops to stay, you could put some description of Twilight's and Celestia's reaction (my guess, surprise, maybe mix with a hint of hesitation art closing the portal). Story that don;t show emotion tend to be a bit bland and lifeless, which turns readers away pretty quickly, so working non that might at least help keep some readers interested.
Okay, with that out of the way, here's a few basic suggestion that should be kept in mind with any future story.
1- Get an editor
Oh dear sweet Luna I cannot stress this enough. Get. An. Editor. Regardless of how the story first turns out, having an editor or two on hand to look it over before it is published can do wonders for your story. (This is speaking from experience, the first 5 or so chapters of my first story were published without any editors, and both it, and my later stories have done much better once I let my editors comb through it.)
2- Pace yourself
There is never a need to rush, it always helps to simply take the time to sit down and look over a story or chapter, thinking of any possible edits you could do to a scene, as well as double check to see if you made any major noticeable errors in the chapter. I always go over my chapters at least once before submitting to my editors, sometimes thinking of changes, other times using a text reviewer program (this- http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/) to spot basic grammar problems
3- Try to get in character
There's plenty of bronies out there that are pretty strict on how characters should act, with reactions that can range anywhere from strong criticisms to downright hateful insults at both story and writer (thankfully as far as I know the latter is a bit rare, so you don't have to worry that much on that). This mostly applies to major characters, like the mane six or the princesses. But in some cases will also extend to minor or background characters (Example- people might expect characters like Trixie to be arrogant and act like she's better than everyone else). This in some ways isn't too hard, as the most basic ideas on personality can be obvious (Twi loves learning, Fluttershy is... well, shy, Celestia is kind hearted towards most, if not all ponies, Luna is a bit out of touch with the modern customs <Well, that one is iffy, depends on the story really, just that seems to be one of the most common ideas of her>), but it takes more than just that in most cases.
I’d actually recommend doing a bit of research on characters you might be using in future stories (translation- try to find a few really popular stories focusing on the character, even if it’s just a one-shot, and see how they portray the character). This can also apply to character brought in from another series, or even OCs. If you write up a character that acts a certain way for a good chunk of the story, then suddenly does a completely 360 with almost no warning, it’s gonna throw readers off.
In some cases it might work to a degree, like in dragonshy, when fluttershy pushed past her normally weak demeanor to protect her friends, but unless done right it’ll just confuse readers and push them away.
Away, hope this helps, and good luck with future stories
Because this was your first attempt to write fan fiction, I'm not thumbing this down. Little tip for doing cross-overs: Find out why you or anyone liked a TV show, book, movie or other popular media and then PLAY TO THOSE STRENGTHS in your writing piece. People don't remember the two one-season spin-off from Knight Rider like Team Knight Rider or The 2009 re-boot because they didn't play sufficiently to the strengths of the original, and frankly even that got parodied by Straub and Kurtz (along with some other stuff) because it had some cli ches that people thought were making the episodes predicable if not outright bad.
So here are my gripes:
1. KITT never talked... at all. The thing people loved about KITT and Michael was the banter. Them talking about ponies would have been hilarious.
2. LegendZ would have been possible as a cross-over if you'd had the main character discover the relics in question in Equestria to juxtapose the magical / technological natures of each world, though Equestria COULD be said to be a middle ground as it shows evidence of each. Granted that would have taken more chapters, yet if done well noone would have complained.
3. A vaguely plausible cause for KITT and Michael to be drawn into Equestria would have made this story more believable. If they'd stopped a smuggling ring that traded in antiquities and Killbeat was unable to maneuver well enough to catch a speeding super car with the given items in the trunk and she knew that an intelligent life form displacement would take them and here to Equestria to give her the terrain advantage.
4. The descriptions were a little light on. If you use a visually rich universe as your subject, people will expect descriptions to match. Knight Rider was all about LED lights, lit buttons, cheesy computer graphics and high-speed car chases.
5. I think that Celestia would have been seized by shocked, rather than engage in banter since her rational mind would have kicked in the minute she could master her emotions enough to speak.
Stuff I thought you did right:
1. Combat in the LegendZ style, so you can pat yourself on the back for that.
2. Ambition enough to try crossing over two shows where the characters are striving for justice.
3. Having fun. You kept a good pace and roughly consistent tone through the whole piece that paid off in the end.
In Summation:
You have some potential kid, you just need to be willing to lose yourself in the world as your story draws your character along.
A.G.
This was so random. LOL
why does kitt not talk, is he dead or?