...To Hell
“And then I tell him ‘If you didn’t want me pullin’ your chains, then maybe you shouldn’t of done the same.’”
A cackle of laughter woke Twilight from her slumber, she fluttered her eyes open and took in the scene around her, but it was the same darkness like before.
“Um SiR, i ThInK sHe’S aWaKe.” She had heard that same voice before, it sounded just as demonic to. She felt a slight shove of her shoulder.
“Hey, Wakey wakey princess.” The voice that Twilight could only guess could be the devil said, she grumbled, her sight was finally back and she could see, she was then immediately confused.
“W-where am I?” She asked.
“I thought you were smart Miss Sparkle. Haven’t I told you already?” She turned to her left to see the devil, holding a wine shaped glass with some sort of bubbling liquid.
“I mean...where are we.” Twilight was still a bit dazed, her train of thought was starting to go off track.
“Oh...Well, we’re on a chariot being driven by a centaur, and you’re currently riding in the back with me while the imps ride up front.” The Devil took off his glasses and gave a smile. “It is a pretty swank cart princess, its got the flames in the back and the entire thing’s black coated, you’re mentor would be jealous.”
Twilight finally came to her senses and stared at the devil in astonishment. “How do you know about-”
“Your princess,” He interrupted. “your ruler, your lord and savior, Tia Celestia? Trust me, we creatures in hell know all about what happens up there.” He pointed straight up and put his glasses back on. “You’d be surprised what we know.”
Twilight was astonished, unable to comprehend any of this. There was only one explanation. The only reason why this was happening to her “This isn’t real.” She said.
Satin choked on his drink. “Ahem, what?” He said with a raise of a brow.
“None...None of this is real, how can you know about all of this, and this place can’t be hell, it should be tarta-”
The devil crushed the wine glass in his hooves, spilling the liquid on the floor, where it soaked right through, leaving a small hole. “Don’t. You. Dare. Say. That. Word.” Fire was leaking out of the top of his glasses.
“What word?” Twilight asked. “Do you mean Tart-”
The devil immediately clamped a hoof on her mouth, anger plastered all over his face. “That world does not exist, that is just some stupid, idiotic land that some stupid, idiotic, idiot made up to fool you ponies.” He let go of Twilight and looked away.
“Whenever I hear them call this place….THAT WORD...It tears me apart.” He turned back to Twilight. “I made this place with my DAMN BARE HOOVES you know...And I named it what I wanted it to be, but apparently the mortals think that” He took a deep inhale. “TARTARUS is a real place, and they think THIS Is it!” He stood up from the chariot and lifted his hooves in the air. “Just look at it princess, its beautiful, it is nothing like that fake place.”
Twilight was reluctant to stand, or even move, what was with his voice changing like that? It sounded so evil and demonic. “I-I’d rather no-” A hoof grabbed her and hoisted her into the air. It was at that moment, she sucked in all what hell really looked like.
The devil took a deep breath. “Isn’t it beautiful.” He let go of her and brought both his hooves to his dead heart. “I made this. Me. I. Made. This.”
Twilight looked around at the devils hoovy work. It was worse than what the books said Tartar- or hell, looked like. Much worse. There were rivers that were made of fire, and the street that the chariot was riding on looked like it was made of bones, and in the distance she saw nothing but creatures that were so horrid that she couldn’t even describe the abominations, they were all walking about, just groaning and yelling at one another.
At that moment, the devil leaned in to her ear and said. “Wanna know what those things are?” Twilight jumped in surprise, then she nodded. “These are the souls of the damned, pretty funny when you look at them eh? Just look at how that one moves.” he nudged her shoulder, but Twilight didn’t even respond, she just stared at them.
“What are they?” She asked, her eyes still glued to the monstrosities.
“Don’t they look familiar? Their ponies, just like you.” He poked her chest. Twilight recoiled in pain, she could feel the burn in his touch, the devil chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry ‘bout that, forgot about my fiery touch.” The devil looked up and yelled. “Hey, driver! We there yet?”
“AcTualLy SiR.” An imp in the car said, Twilight gazed at the sight of the creature, his entire body was skinny and red, and his face was that of a ponies, but she could see the bones on it. “YoU’rE sTiLl oN sCHeDuLe.”
“WHAT!?” The devil yelled. “Don’t the idiots realizes I have a princess to deal with?”
The imp shrugged. “WoRk Is WoRk SiR.”
The devil sighed and rubbed his eyes. “What do I have to do today then?”
The imp snapped his fingers and a fire erupted from his hoof, it died down and a scroll replaced its place, then the imp handed it to the devil. Twilight’s eyes were wide the entire time. “How did he do that?”
The devil opened the scroll and glanced at Twilight. “Oh, all imps can do that, makes it easier to bring letters around, your lizard friend would know.” The devil took off his sunglasses and replaced them with reading glasses. “Now lets see here…”
Twilight was starting to lose it, how this guy knew all about her and her princess and now her assistant, she stood up from the cart and looked at the devil in anger. “How do you know about-”
The chariot came to a full stop and Twilight was flung out onto the bone street, the devil didn’t seem to notice and started getting out while he read. “Mmhh. torture the damned on floor two, give a long and cruel speech to the newcomers, take care of pets,” He rolled his yellow eyes “at least that one’s fun, lets see, blaah blaah blaah. Alright, so princess are you ready to-”
“Oww…” The devil looked down to see that he had stepped on Twilight, who was laying on the ground when she flew out of the cart.
“What are you doin’ down there?” He grabbed the scruff of her neck and pulled her up, this time he made sure to tone down the heat of his hooves. “I didn’t hurt ya too bad, did I?”
Twilight shook her head, she was filled with mixed emotions, fear, anger, confusion, and many others she couldn’t think of at the moment. She slowly turned to the devil, her eyes were flaming just like his and the devil could swear that her hair and mane were on fire. She opened her mouth and said….and said…She then fell to the floor in defeat. “I give up.” She groaned.
The devil rolled up the scroll and stuffed it in his suit pocket. “Give up on what?”
Twilight looked up at him. “On all of this, on wondering why i’m here, why this place exists, why you exist, what happened to me. All of this is...is...is…”
“Is what?” The devil felt a little concerned for her, not many souls give up at this point.
“Its just too much!” She stood up and yelled, making the devil recoil in surprise. “All of this is too much, can’t you just tell me!?”
Now the devil was getting really concerned. “T-tell you what?”
Twilight grabbed the neck of the devils suit and said. “Is it true?”
“Is what true? and will you watch the suit, its really expensive.”
Twilight’s face was inches away from him. “Am. I. Dead? Please tell me this is some sort of sick joke or spell or dream that I’m having, just tell me the truth!”
The devil pushed her off of him. “Will you calm down! I don’t even think you can handle the truth!” He dusted himself off and looked up at the princess, the way her face was looking at him, he started feeling pity for her, and he rarely has pity to give. He sighed, knowing he would have to tell her. “Well princess, I really don’t know how else to say it.” Twilight’s eyes were starting to water, the devil hated when mortals eyes did that, it was so gross. He sighed. “Yeah….you’re uh….yeah….you’re dead. I don’t think-”
Instantly, Twilight threw herself on him, the devil could feel the tears on the side of his suit. “Great.” He mumble to himself over Twilight’s crying. “Now I’m gonna need to get this thing pressed.”
“H-How could this happen?!” Twilight sobbed. “Why! What did I do to deserve this? I've always been a great friend, and I love my friends,” She sniffed up the snot that was starting to form on her nose. The devil was on the verge of puking. “and I know that they love me back, why did I have to die like this?” She then dove her head into his suit again, completely soaking it in tears.
The devil hated this part, when he told ponies this. It was always with the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ and so on and so forth, he got use to it over the years since he knew the wretched souls deserved it, but now this pony was an innocent, and as much as he hated to admit it, he felt sorry for this mare.
“Look..uh...Twilight.” He said, though he knew the sobs were drowning out his voice. “The...uh...the good…usually die young?” He patted her back, but after he said that there was a rise in the cries, and he was starting to feel the pressure around his neck from Twilight’s arms. “Smooth D, real smooth.”
He grabbed hold of her hooves and pulled them off of him. Twilight looked up at him, her eyes were like the left side of his suit, drenched in tears, the devil could do nothing but stare at her. This was a pony that he had never dealt with, one that had never done anything wrong, and even did more right than wrong than anyone he had read about in the life reports, but now she was to be sent to a place where she couldn’t see her friends, well, at least until they die, but something like that could take a long time, it was almost making him cry, he didn’t want the mare to see this. He let go of her, looked away, and took off his reading glasses and replaced them with his sunglasses.
“Princess, you need to realize this. Death is a natural thing, it happens to everyone, some are more unlucky than others, and I’m tellin’ you this right now. If Faust wanted you to die, then it was destiny.”
Twilight started wiping the tears and snot off of her face. “Faust...W-who's Faust?”
The devil’s glasses slid down to the point of his nose, showing half of his eyes. “You don’t know who Faust is?” He asked, with a shake of a head in reply from her. He knew that she had never heard of her, Faust was a name that had never been written or even heard of, the devil knew she had erased all evidence of her even existing, you don’t want a creator getting found out now. “Surely you read about her in all those books of yours.” He said with a smile.
Twilight scratched her head. “I think I read it in a book once called the ‘Sacred Scripture.’” The devils eyes went wide, his jaw hung open, and his sunglasses fell off of his face. “Actually, now that I remember, I think you were in it to.”
“T-the S-S-Sacred Scripture….Y-You mean..” The devil started shaking, how did a pony get their hooves on a book like that, and how could she instantly remember a book like that too, that's a poorly written script right there!
“I remember looking at it as a filly when I was wondering around in the library,” She laughed. “Although, I don’t think I was supposed to be in there at my age, I was-”
The devil grabbed Twilight. “You should have NEVER looked at it! That book is nothing but a lie, do you understand?!”
Twilight looked around in a panic. “B-but you said Faust-”
He let go of her and looked away. “I know what I said, but that book is full of lies Twilight!” He picked up his glasses and put them back on, then he faced her. “That book over exaggerated a lot of stuff. For starters, it took her months to create your world, not a week, and Adams Apple and Eval Bevel were not the first ponies she made.”
“What are you talking about?” Twilight was getting a little bit scared, all she could remember reading was the first few pages, then she got bored and looked for another book to read. “I didn’t even read that much.”
“And her friend Megan...wait...how much did you read?” He looked at her very seriously.
“I-I only remember reading a page on what she did, like, how she made all of us, even you. That was until you went crazy or something...I can’t remember. I didn’t really like the book that much anyway.” She started looking away, trying to think of just what it was that book talked about.
“I did NOT go crazy!” The devil yelled. “I was just angry was all. The way she was ruling things, not giving a firm hoof to those who deserved it.” The devil started pacing. “She looked at things in a good way all the time. Once in a while you’re supposed to look at things in a BAD way ya know, that's how you make the bad guys pay, that's how you’re supposed to run the world, you understand?”
Twilight was petrified, “What are you talking about?”
The devil then realized what he was saying, he took a deep breath and regained his composure. “Sorry...I was….I was just getting a little worked up at how the Bible said-”
“What's the Bible?” Twilight said with a tilt of her head.
The devil just gave a blank stare. “How about I just take you to my first task of the day.” He started walking along the bone street. Twilight walked next to him.
“What would that be?” She asked.
The devil smiled. “Torturing the souls of the damned of course.”
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Your spelling and grammar, as well as punctuation, need a lot of work. 'Sentar' isn't a word, I think you meant centaur. There are multiple places where you confused your and you're, whose and who's, and where Twilight is asking why she had to die you replace a period with a question mark.
However your story is good enough for me to overlook those. Twilight accidentally goes to Hell (Tartarus
) (Why would Adam and Eve be their names? Not exactly pony names, ya know) by accident and has to stay with the devil until she gets sorted back into her proper place.
I can somehow imagine this concluding with Twilight deciding the Devil is the one who has to do the dirty job of clean up, but she's okay with that because he does it on a schedule - which she identifies with - and she and the Devil become friends?
Alternatively, they start dating.
Now I'm feeling bad about the devil.
4401109
To be fair, Eve would work as a Pony name, or at least the short version of a longer one.
Also, I read this and I can't help but think of that one Dexter's Lab episode where he has a nightmare or something and ends up in Library Hell(Heck in the show BECAUSE it was for kids)
i just had the facepalms of all facepalms right now. after a whole year on this site i only just realised that faust is actually the writer for MLP not something made up.... oh god i feel so stupid right now
4401173 True, kinda how there's a fic on this site recreating the Russian revolution in Equestria, and they didn't have to change Trotsky's name at all.
4401248 It too me a while to realize that Faust wasn't referencing the Faust of old. The one who made a deal with the devil.
4400135
Please..don't read this like I'm sounding like a jerk, but....
You're not the first to say this.
Sure, I'll fix the mistakes when I see them, but these are my stories
I wan't them to be just by me.
I don't need help and I don't need yo-
wow....
Now I am sounding like a jerk...aren't I
well....sorry about that guys.
So uh...yeah...no editors.
because a story is a story?
I don't know
I'll be on my bed if ya need me.
The devil is a really annoying character. Maybe he's supposed to be here for laughs, but so fast this story hasn't even pushed a smirk to my face.
Great story dahhhhhhh
4401126
And overtrow Faust to rule over life and unlife with an iron fist/hoof?
4401855
Having an editor doesn't mean your story has to change in any significant way. Would anything really be lost with a few more commas or words that that you intended to include but didn't? It's still completely your story, an editor just helps others see the story in the same way that you do. Moreover, with Googledocs in particular, you can undo any editing done to your story with a click of the mouse.
4405328
You could say I'm over reac-
Okay I am overreacting.
But I just don't want one.
Because the last time I let someone 'edit' my work.
They took the whole project and turned it in without me knowing.
Forcing me to do something different while they got a good grade.
I'm sorry, but I just can't trust others with my work. I'm too scared.
Same as how I don't trust (and am scared of) lawyers, admins, EA, and water.
I hate past experiences.
4405409
past experiences are there to remind us in the future to take the necesary precautions to not let it go as bad as it did. i am going to say something jerk-ish now:
if you got laid, and got the girl pregnant, would you never have sex, or would you use a condom/keep in handy pills next time?
edit: and:
editors: change stuff on your stories.
pre-readers: read your stories before they get published and tell you where you made a mistake so you can correct it.
Knowing the diference is useful.
4405409 Yes, because obviously having one of your friends look over your work, which you could just send in in a basic fucking text document through Skype, is obviously going to end up with them stealing the story and posting it before you could. Right, this seems legit.
Quick edit.
Now I'm the one sounding like a jerk, huh? But you seriously should let a friend search for any grammar errors. A friend or anything like that really. Also, searching before you post doesn't hurt either.
Here's one.
The devil felt a little concerned for her, not many soles give up at this point.
Soles? I believe you mean souls, unless Twilight is now the bottom of a shoe?
4405409 ...Electronic Arts? water?
My friend, you've got some issues you may need to see a professional about.
~Ware
4406635 I can understand Electronic Arts, but water? Yeah, dude might have some serious psychological issues. Nothing a good old bludgeoning to the head won't fix.
4408567 important to note: object must be devoid of spikes. Any bludgeoning with spiked objects may result in serious owies, so please use caution.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2014/101/a/a/_commission__tending_to_her_ouchies_by_crispychris-d7e1pqv.png
4409002 N'aww *Places flail back on its mount and slumps away*
4409006 it's ok. Maybe next time, mmm?
crfiguv0p
... I would go on a tirade about how the devil isn't in hell and literally hates God
but this is the pony devil so I won't
Unless you intend to insinuate they are the same?
4409268 Possibly.
Not really feeling it. Good premise, but this isn't funny at all. Twilight seems out of character, and your characterization of the devil isn't especially interesting. This story isn't bad enough to deserve a thumbs down, but it's not entertaining enough to keep reading. As others are saying, it would benefit from having a proofreader look over it, but even with the grammar and spelling mistakes fixed it would still be a fairly "meh" story.
4411312 If he isn't in hell, then where is he? (And don't say under my bed.)
4396944 ...What?
4405409 Why admins, water, and EA?
Okay so how to go about this without sounding rude...
It's well written, you've created a stable plot at least and established a few key plot points but...
There are just so many things that rub me the wrong way about this story.
For starters, your using Lauren Faust as the "God" in this fic, that just made me facepalm and groan.
The devil you have used in this is based off of Lucifer, the Bible based Satan which by making Lauren Faust the "god" of this fic makes me groan even more so.
I'm not the bible thumping religious kind but this entire established story you have here makes me wonder why our lord and savor himself hasn't burned this fanfic from existence...
You killed Twilight.
and the biggest pet peave I have here is the fact that you pretty much made the devil out to be some sort of creature who "feels sorry" and other emotions when sense you are basing this off the Biblical Satan, he feels NOTHING and wouldn't give a DAMN if Twilight landed there by mistake or not. He would simply relish in having yet another soul in his collection.
In case you missed the memo, Lucifer and God DO NOT get along which is why he was chucked out of heaven. The fact that evil souls go to hell is merely a convince for the devil since God created the place the Devil resides as a prison for him.
Holy shit, You actually managed to make ME(A gal who actually hates religion but believes in god) go on a bible tangent...holy shit.
Anyways, case and point,(aka tl;dr) Well written but so many things wrong with it.
so i've read what you've made so far and i enjoy it
some spelling mistakes here and there but not enough to throw a fit about
consider building the devil a new personality because his one seems a little too sympathetic for a well devili mean it is understandable that he's never had a mostly innocent soul sent to his domain but still this is the devil you've created not some heart eyed angel
all and all though i like this but yeah other then what i've written it's a good job and i can't complain
4418873
I didn't base this off that book,
I based it (or very loosely based it) off of a story that I wrote for a project in english a few years ago, which was based off of "Dante's Inferno," and in my story, it was just about some guy who got mixed up in the death files and went to hell instead of heaven,
but when I was writing this, I knew some people were gonna be offended, and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone, but listen,
I am not basing this story and its characters of that book, sure, I got some Ideas from it, but this is the non-canon universe of what I have created in my mind, nothing more, nothing less.
Besides, I could of written it a lot worse.
And who cares if Twilight died, (Hopefully I didn't rustle any jimmies there.)
besides...
She'll be back.
4419741
Religion is a touchy subject. I don't like stories where we're supposed to sympathize with Satan/Lucifer/Devil/Character That's Supposed to Symbolize the Devil because that's spiritually dangerous. The Devil is (to Christians at least) capital Evil. Like the guy you replied to said, he's not human. He doesn't do sympathy, or any other kind of human emotion. The Devil's one and only goal is to ruin your life, in this world and the next. You do not feel sorry for the Devil, you do not emphasize with the Devil, you stay the hell away from the Devil. (pardon the pun) This isn't about being anal towards the Devil, this is about putting as much distance between him and I as possible because the Devil is dangerous and wants to torture my soul for all eternity.
That being said, I like your story. It has a good plot, characters aren't cardboard cut-outs with speech bubbles, and the flow has a nice pace.
I'd like it even better if there wasn't the Devil in it. What I'd personally like to see is a more Greek Mythology influence on the story. Faust and Devil would have a brother/sister dynamic, 'Mom always liked you better' shenanigans, be Celestia and Luna's Favorite Uncle, that kind of stuff.
I feel like this has potential. I like this. A lot.
4401855
As the humble would-be editor approaches the throne of the mighty author....
I'm sorry, but it was the first thing I thought of after reading that comment.
I respect that you don't want an editor. But if one is being called for, I would suggest giving chapters an extra look though before uploading them in the future.
4419741 I am rubbed the wrong way........ mostly by your grammer.
Smooth D, real smooth
Was that a dick joke? I think that was a dick joke
I've stumbled across this story while doing research for one of my own projects, but I noticed something. Something awesome. The Voltaire reference.
I really like the idea of this story, by the way.
-GentlemanPirate