A New MLP Experience

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Comments ( 7 )

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Generaal

Generaal #1 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

-originality level: 0
-good dialogs: no
-human character has no personality
-etc

i suggest you take some time to learn creative writing, make multiple stories, then create one big story for beginning to the end (synopsis, characters etc), then turn it into the real story one chapter at a time.

Arctic_Fox

Arctic_Fox #2 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

it feels just a bit rushed. I know it's your first fic and everything but, for example if you would go into further detail when Twilight was explaining everything to Zak, it would lengthen the chapter and maybe capture some peoples interest.
But... thats just my point of veiw, this is your story after all

Dezmo

Dezmo #3 · Apr 9th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Going to have to agree with Generaallucas.

Good luck.

nonameguy0010

nonameguy0010 #4 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Before you post a chapter, you should spend about an hour or so making sure that lines flow smoothly and that every word is correctly spelled. I noticed on multiple occasions that it seemed like you forgot a word somewhere or that you lost track of what you were going to write.
“Charmed.” the white unicorn, Zak assumed she was Rarity, said, holding out a hoof.
I would suggest that you rephrase this line. Remove the line "Zak assumes she was rarity". When you added this to that sentence it interrupted the flow of the story and caused me to re-read the line a few times before understanding what happened. Here is a possible re-write for that:
"Charmed." the white unicorn said, holding out a hoof. Zak assumed that this was 'Rarity', judging by the three diamonds on her flank.
What this does is it makes it easier to read that line while giving a good reason as to why he thought their name was rarity.

I also noticed that the very beginning of the story seemed to move a bit fast. You should try to build up this character's story before just throwing him into Equestria. By not doing this, the reader wasn't given any chance to make any emotional connection with Zak. Try to give him a bit more of a personality. I also found it hard to believe that he was so accepting of this situation. He probably would have reacted with a bit more confusion. Instead, you had him start talking to this made up creature.
I did like the part where he sits down and reads a few books. This gave him quite a bit of character and is something that I haven't seen too many HiE stories do.

Another small thing that you should work on is sticking to one view point. In one part of the story you changed to a 2nd person perspective and that threw me off quite a bit. Stick to which ever perspective that you find works best for you.

I will give this story a 5/10. This isn't bad at all for a first write. You have a lot of room to improve and you need to work on everything that I mentioned above. Keep on writing and you will do just fine in the near future.

OddOneOut

OddOneOut #5 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

^^ this guy pretty much said it all. i liked the way you wrote about the mane6. they acted VERY believeably, especially pinkie pie. zak, however, feels really flat. he really needs some more description for the reader to connect. can't wait to see how the story develops.

zanthimos

zanthimos #6 · Jul 19th, 2012 · · · Chapter 4 ·

Hm, not bad. Feels like it went a little too fast for me though. I liked how he got cool and developed magic. Yet despite the love making details it just went too fast for me. Couldn't savor the romances or the sexy times long enough. Off to a decent start i think. Now I just wonder if it's going to be just the two of them or if Twi is gunna bring in the other girls and make this a harem style clop. . .