A young man is transported to Equestria, following the events of a devastating bombardment of space debris in the arctic. What kind of life will he lead in this new world of talking ponies?
4313373 I agree, I'm also weary that this may devolve into a human bad, pony good, scenario. Guy is already being called subject by foreign leaders after they basically kidnapped him.
First im i the only person who took biology? The human body is not frail, it's far from frail. Second why in the suns name would someone be afraid of a pink pony? Third why are the ponies so tall? Have you seen a pony? Now for questions! Does he not lnow how easy it is to kill a equine, easiest type of animal to put down. Did the princesses strip him? How scandalous. On my final note is he just short or are the ponies just unreasonably tall? Enough of my ranting. I still enjoy the descriptivenessness of the story but if this gets all human bad pony good im out.
4313757 The human body is one of those things where it is amazingly resilient and remarkably frail. You can survive a 1,000 foot fall, but die after falling two inches. However, I do agree. We're not that wimpy. Loss three limbs, half of the blood in our body and sustain a fracture to every bone in our body, and we can survive (notwithstanding that the person receives immediate medical attention).
Also, I agree with everyone else so far. If this turns into another "Humans are bastards" HiE fic, I'm out.
4313500 There is probably a "shock" period. Otherwise, it's just a lot easier on the author to skip the "OMG TALKING HORSE!" part. It does get redundant after reading plenty of HiE fics.
4314228 It's his right leg that has the tweaked knee and the sprained ankle, as a result from the awkward impact on his arrival. His left leg is not in as bad of condition. A couple days of resting should get him back to walking close to normal
At that point, though, he'll probably do more than walking.
There's quite a bit of extra wordiness in this chapter. Along with using complicated new words every time you say something, this is something you'll probably want to trim down on. My dad (and some of my own readers) were adamant about this for my own story.
A small example of this would be:
Instead of checking if it was all an illusion, I wrapped my hands around the cup, which felt warm to the touch.
I feel that something like "I didn't even check to see whether it was an illusion before wrapping my hands around the rather warm cup." conveys the same information and feel while being a little more direct and expressive.
A larger example would be how you wrote about him being wrapped up in the blanket four separate times before devoting a lengthy paragraph to how he got himself free. This isn't a problem when extricating oneself is important to the plot, but here it's not a critically important event. I'd suggest trimming it down (the whole thing actually) or making his extrication into an event - like he has trouble and Cadance, while trying not to laugh, helps him out when he can't quite manage to un-burrito himself.
4315882 I think the fact that he was stranded in a frozen wasteland one moment and then drinking tea the next with an alien species of horse, might be a little upsetting but the fact that he is alive and well doesn't hurt.
I swear you are taking more time than Tolkien to describe things. Seriously you can tone it down a bit.
I'm not even bothered by how he is adapting to seeing ponies so well, I'm more annoyed that this entire chapter was literally.
- Pony puts human in burrito - human is out of burrito - Yay tea! - Hi
END
Though one thing I have to really compliment you on is thinking that ponies have auras. It is a nice concept and is a better way to make each one individual instead of juices ifyouknowwhatimean.
Chapter 3: Waking up and having a cup of tea. You really slowed down the pace a lot...a this rate its gonna be a hundred chapters before he gets to hug Luna. Also I think he learns and accepts new concepts way to easily.
4317391 4317612 Personally, I thought I didn't do as satisfactory of a job describing everything from his point of view. I would've gone into even greater detail, but then I'd be running nose-deep into that very issue you were describing
On the flip-side, I don't want to be extremely vague, because then I'd be leaving out some parts that'd be paramount to the scene at hand; "How'd he do this," or, "How'd that get there," or even, "Why was that not described earlier?"
As I'm getting more involved in writing, I'm starting to realize that it's all a balancing act: you can't have one thing on one side without the other taking precedence, in most cases. In this case, I can't be illegibly vague, yet at the same time I can't be so overwhelmingly descriptive. Either extreme would cause the story to become unreadable.
Will Shining find himself a new friend, or will he belive this new creature will come between him and his wife? Stay tuned! next Pony time same Pony channel!!
I like how your taking the time to observe the situation. Most human in equestria authors just do the story like: Human meets pony, accepts situation quickly. No, your playing it out as a normal situation with someone coming to grips slowly, with the fact that this is real; this is happening.
Comment posted by Bronyz4ever90 deleted May 1st, 2014
I was really hoping that the first chapter wasn't any indication of how the ponies are presented in this story, but it seems like it was. Like everyone said below, it seems like this will devolve into another humans=bad, ponies=good story.
I mean, they kidnapped him out of his world, already see him as his subject and this guy is totally amazed by how Luna feels like in his dreams (because magical-alicorn-goddess-pony...)
I don't want to sound bitchy, but I have noticed that most stories that use overpowered ponies devolve into a humans=bad, ponies=good story.
4331818 Now now hold your horses (heh) there! The human just woke up and had some tea with a princess, and while some poeple would grab the teapot as an improvised weapon to fend off the slepnir, I'm sure more are able, despite a strange situation like this, to enjoy some morning tea in peace. The human doesn't even know yet what brought him there, so I am confident that when he finds out that the meteor was rigged by princess Celestia and Luna, he'll have a stern word with her majesties. Cadance here hasn't done anything wrong. She just recovered him with the help of Luna from the frozen tundra and now serves him hot tea in her humble home. He can be pissed later at Lu-Lu and Tia, once he finds out. Also, it is possible that they are responsible for the death of Erin, which should be enough to fuel his anger at them.
4313757 a 6 foot horse at the withers is about 18 hands high. a pony is any horse under about 14 hands. so a 13 hand pony would be about 4 feet tall at the withers but about 5,,10 at the head. Most ponies in real life are not the really small ones you see in movies and stuff. In fact many of them could be argued to be called miniature horses but that is a debate that has been going on for many years. My point is that the height of the ponies is not . . .compleatly out of the question.
4352466 go ahead and eat some hay then, it'll rip your stomach apart. On the point of the super tall ponies someone was kind enough to do math. If i remember correctly the 'normal' ponies were around 4ft while sun rump was around six. I'm not sure what the average height of a human is. I myself stand at 6'10.
4353147 But alfalfa sprouts are not your typical hay. It's like how you can eat union hearts when they are yong but if you wait too long then they will get to hard and woody or whatever. It's not like you would be eating a bale of dried out hay. And also as hay goes alfalfa is pretty soft stuff. I think you could compare it to eating dried pot, the steams and seeds and all. Yeah not that tasty but still not gonna kill ya. I am speaking as someone who has worked on farms his whole life.
4355309 I'm talking about proper hay, friend. You shall how those lot deep fry the stuff, that's what i was referring to. I'm not the biggest veggie guy around i prefer red meat. didn't know what alfalfa was, I've heard the term but never looked into it, so thank you for that information.
4355350 it's a dark souls thing. 420 praise it.I've been working on removing the word god from my vocabulary, by switching it with sun. I'm a sunbro, gotta praise dat sun! Gotta praise the sun, even while serving my queen. My personal favorite nickname for sun rump, is well, sun rump. sunny bums is good as well, hmm Solar rump is good also.
4356739 "But Ah like to take mah time, mister... it sorta helps out with th' wrahtin' process." At least I've got an important project out of the way, so I shouldn't be as tied up now I need to catch some z's first, though...
So I'm enjoying this, it's very cute. Should prove to be pretty darn entertaining as well. Just one small thing to nitpick: the human character's name. You first called him 'Mark', then he called himself 'Matt' and now it's 'Mark' again. Just ever so slightly distracting from the overall flow of things.
I'm more expectant of him and the narrative to finish the "endless praise of the pony world" schtick. Come on, it's starting to get repetitive.
4282346 I think he meant alternate universe stories.
He took all of that surprisingly well .-.
Shouldn't the human get an OC tag?
4313373 I agree, I'm also weary that this may devolve into a human bad, pony good, scenario. Guy is already being called subject by foreign leaders after they basically kidnapped him.
When he finds out about how he got there he's gonna be pissed! Maybe...
First im i the only person who took biology? The human body is not frail, it's far from frail. Second why in the suns name would someone be afraid of a pink pony? Third why are the ponies so tall? Have you seen a pony? Now for questions! Does he not lnow how easy it is to kill a equine, easiest type of animal to put down. Did the princesses strip him? How scandalous. On my final note is he just short or are the ponies just unreasonably tall? Enough of my ranting. I still enjoy the descriptivenessness of the story but if this gets all human bad pony good im out.
4313547 that seems to be the case, so far.
4313757
The human body is one of those things where it is amazingly resilient and remarkably frail. You can survive a 1,000 foot fall, but die after falling two inches. However, I do agree. We're not that wimpy. Loss three limbs, half of the blood in our body and sustain a fracture to every bone in our body, and we can survive (notwithstanding that the person receives immediate medical attention).
Also, I agree with everyone else so far. If this turns into another "Humans are bastards" HiE fic, I'm out.
4314111 im trying to give you a thumbs up, but dam these mobile sites!
Lets see, He's got a sprained ankle, and a tweaked leg and knee. Which leg is his bad leg, because they both seem pretty bad to me.
4313500 There is probably a "shock" period. Otherwise, it's just a lot easier on the author to skip the "OMG TALKING HORSE!" part. It does get redundant after reading plenty of HiE fics.
4314228 It's his right leg that has the tweaked knee and the sprained ankle, as a result from the awkward impact on his arrival. His left leg is not in as bad of condition. A couple days of resting should get him back to walking close to normal
At that point, though, he'll probably do more than walking.
4314932 2.bp.blogspot.com/-Duh2cFnMCdo/Ut5BsNGrCSI/AAAAAAAAA98/GDeZMMRtgk8/s1600/River-Song-Spoilers.png
There's quite a bit of extra wordiness in this chapter. Along with using complicated new words every time you say something, this is something you'll probably want to trim down on. My dad (and some of my own readers) were adamant about this for my own story.
A small example of this would be:
I feel that something like "I didn't even check to see whether it was an illusion before wrapping my hands around the rather warm cup." conveys the same information and feel while being a little more direct and expressive.
A larger example would be how you wrote about him being wrapped up in the blanket four separate times before devoting a lengthy paragraph to how he got himself free. This isn't a problem when extricating oneself is important to the plot, but here it's not a critically important event. I'd suggest trimming it down (the whole thing actually) or making his extrication into an event - like he has trouble and Cadance, while trying not to laugh, helps him out when he can't quite manage to un-burrito himself.
Ohh! This getting good!
He going to be very pissed off with Luna after he finds out that she brought him to Equestria.
4314932 Don't rush it. Spend some time building the relationship.
The talking magical pink pony he barely bats an eye at, but the fact that they know what a geologist is, that is what he get's hung up on?
4315882 I think the fact that he was stranded in a frozen wasteland one moment and then drinking tea the next with an alien species of horse, might be a little upsetting but the fact that he is alive and well doesn't hurt.
I swear you are taking more time than Tolkien to describe things. Seriously you can tone it down a bit.
I'm not even bothered by how he is adapting to seeing ponies so well, I'm more annoyed that this entire chapter was literally.
- Pony puts human in burrito
- human is out of burrito
- Yay tea!
- Hi
END
Though one thing I have to really compliment you on is thinking that ponies have auras. It is a nice concept and is a better way to make each one individual instead of juices ifyouknowwhatimean.
Chapter 3: Waking up and having a cup of tea.
You really slowed down the pace a lot...a this rate its gonna be a hundred chapters before he gets to hug Luna.
Also I think he learns and accepts new concepts way to easily.
However, it was still worth reading.
4317391
4317612
Personally, I thought I didn't do as satisfactory of a job describing everything from his point of view. I would've gone into even greater detail, but then I'd be running nose-deep into that very issue you were describing
On the flip-side, I don't want to be extremely vague, because then I'd be leaving out some parts that'd be paramount to the scene at hand; "How'd he do this," or, "How'd that get there," or even, "Why was that not described earlier?"
As I'm getting more involved in writing, I'm starting to realize that it's all a balancing act: you can't have one thing on one side without the other taking precedence, in most cases. In this case, I can't be illegibly vague, yet at the same time I can't be so overwhelmingly descriptive. Either extreme would cause the story to become unreadable.
Will Shining find himself a new friend, or will he belive this new creature will come between him and his wife? Stay tuned! next Pony time same Pony channel!!
I like how your taking the time to observe the situation. Most human in equestria authors just do the story like: Human meets pony, accepts situation quickly. No, your playing it out as a normal situation with someone coming to grips slowly, with the fact that this is real; this is happening.
I like this!^_^
It's very good!^_^
Truly great fanfic!^_^
I was really hoping that the first chapter wasn't any indication of how the ponies are presented in this story, but it seems like it was.
Like everyone said below, it seems like this will devolve into another humans=bad, ponies=good story.
I mean, they kidnapped him out of his world, already see him as his subject and this guy is totally amazed by how Luna feels like in his dreams (because magical-alicorn-goddess-pony...)
I don't want to sound bitchy, but I have noticed that most stories that use overpowered ponies devolve into a humans=bad, ponies=good story.
4331818 Now now hold your horses (heh) there! The human just woke up and had some tea with a princess, and while some poeple would grab the teapot as an improvised weapon to fend off the slepnir, I'm sure more are able, despite a strange situation like this, to enjoy some morning tea in peace. The human doesn't even know yet what brought him there, so I am confident that when he finds out that the meteor was rigged by princess Celestia and Luna, he'll have a stern word with her majesties. Cadance here hasn't done anything wrong. She just recovered him with the help of Luna from the frozen tundra and now serves him hot tea in her humble home.
He can be pissed later at Lu-Lu and Tia, once he finds out. Also, it is possible that they are responsible for the death of Erin, which should be enough to fuel his anger at them.
4324086 Well then looks like we will have to send some of the crow boys out there to fetch em.
4313757 a 6 foot horse at the withers is about 18 hands high. a pony is any horse under about 14 hands. so a 13 hand pony would be about 4 feet tall at the withers but about 5,,10 at the head.
Most ponies in real life are not the really small ones you see in movies and stuff. In fact many of them could be argued to be called miniature horses but that is a debate that has been going on for many years.
My point is that the height of the ponies is not . . .compleatly out of the question.
4307156 Humans can and do eat alfalfa sprouts in salads and sandwiches.
4352466 go ahead and eat some hay then, it'll rip your stomach apart.
On the point of the super tall ponies someone was kind enough to do math. If i remember correctly the 'normal' ponies were around 4ft while sun rump was around six. I'm not sure what the average height of a human is. I myself stand at 6'10.
4353147 But alfalfa sprouts are not your typical hay. It's like how you can eat union hearts when they are yong but if you wait too long then they will get to hard and woody or whatever. It's not like you would be eating a bale of dried out hay. And also as hay goes alfalfa is pretty soft stuff. I think you could compare it to eating dried pot, the steams and seeds and all. Yeah not that tasty but still not gonna kill ya.
I am speaking as someone who has worked on farms his whole life.
4355309 I'm talking about proper hay, friend. You shall how those lot deep fry the stuff, that's what i was referring to. I'm not the biggest veggie guy around i prefer red meat. didn't know what alfalfa was, I've heard the term but never looked into it, so thank you for that information.
4353147 If you are going to use a nickname for Celestia I always liked the sound of Sunny-Buns
4355350 it's a dark souls thing. 420 praise it.I've been working on removing the word god from my vocabulary, by switching it with sun.
I'm a sunbro, gotta praise dat sun!
Gotta praise the sun, even while serving my queen.
My personal favorite nickname for sun rump, is well, sun rump. sunny bums is good as well, hmm Solar rump is good also.
4355392
Seems like those nicknames would best be used to describe her when she's cranky
4355460 i believe they could be used a term of affection, or just for the reactions....by the sun the reactions would be worth it.
Cmoooon dude, updatee :D. This is a really adorable fic ^^.
4356739
"But Ah like to take mah time, mister... it sorta helps out with th' wrahtin' process."
At least I've got an important project out of the way, so I shouldn't be as tied up now
I need to catch some z's first, though...
So I'm enjoying this, it's very cute. Should prove to be pretty darn entertaining as well. Just one small thing to nitpick: the human character's name. You first called him 'Mark', then he called himself 'Matt' and now it's 'Mark' again. Just ever so slightly distracting from the overall flow of things.
Shouldn't his wet gear be causing issues with his warming up?