A young man is transported to Equestria, following the events of a devastating bombardment of space debris in the arctic. What kind of life will he lead in this new world of talking ponies?
I'd image seeing the horse capital would be something like seeing the vactican. The chapter truly shows the naivety of the ponies. A meteor crashing into a plants suffice could have disastrous consequences. Think of it landing in a city such as new York or Tokyo? I personally would of slapped her for such action. I liked how he pointed thay out in his rambling, showed character. On the point of conflict: ponies are unnatural. Organic life is full of conflict from the two saplings trying to out grow each other for sunlight too world war 2.
Well, your use of unnecessary/strange words is getting better. There are still a few instances though. Such as when Celestia slips her neckpiece through her head instead of the other way around. You'll want to keep a constant eye out for this kind of thing. Remember, keep it to the point (unless there's a good reason) and make sure that words actually do what you're trying to get them to do.
What I'm seeing crop up now is Mark's reactions, of which there are two types of problems.
One is his actual response to something around him. He doesn't actually come across as very alarmed/surprised given how he's just going along with everything. Though that could be pinned on him subconsciously denying that anything's wrong and delaying his reaction.
The other part is that his reactions are extremely idealized. The whole conversation about the Elements of Harmony is the best example. Celestia does nothing more than mention the Elements of Harmony and Mark pretty much thinks that is the coolest thing ever, but he doesn't yet know the Elements from a random pile of dirt. She then mentions nothing more than the names of those who represent each element and Mark is even more amazed. He sounds more like a devout brony being introduced to Equestria than some random guy who just faceplanted there.
The other problem is that Mark seems to realize things that he couldn't possibly know. Knowing that crystals are a big thing through the Empire just because the palace is crystalline and Cadance mentions "The Crystal Empire" is a very strange leap. Like the Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy nor had anything to do with Rome - it's just a name. Telling the princesses that he thinks stories of human conflict would be controversial and upsetting to them is another. It's fine if he asks about such things, but outright knowing is not okay. Then he's also pegging Luna as a potential romantic interest after knowing her (and her race, society, customs, etc.) for only a couple hours. You must remember to separate in-character knowledge (Mark's actual experience) from out-of-character knowledge (things you, as the author, know).
Two things: 1. Are you making Equestria into monarchy instead of diarchy? Celestia said that she's a ruler of equestria, not co-ruler, and Luna didn't corrected her. 2. I noticed that earlier but forgot to ask: are you making equestrians look more like normal horses instead of 'big brain case', 'forward facing eyes', 'magnet hoofed' creatures they are in the show and other fan fics?
What the hell? Just half a day to his stay, and he's already contemplating living in Equestria permanently, marrying a pony, and even interspecies?
You are getting me disillusioned with the hope that this story wouldn't be a fistful of pony ball-licking. I'm halfway into the chapter and already I'm getting the feel that it's hollow.
So...he learns that he may never be able to get home again, it was entirely the princess' fault that he was nearly killed, and it was for a pretty stupid reason? And his response was to almost go on an "evul humanz" tirade and continue doing mental asskissing towards the pones rather than get utterly pissed off?
4360753 Wait wait wait, he does that? I couldn't be arsed into reading past where I stopped to comment and just skimmed the ending. Welp, there goes my fave! Wave goodbye to it, author, and enjoy your position right beside XD-385 in my list of preferences!
EDIT: Oh, and you can pretty much forget getting into The Good HiE list too. "The Lost Element", another misanthropic self-insert wish fullfillment in practically the same molds as this (which just so happens to be written by said XD-385 or whatever handle he's using now), except with a different waifu and a lot more words, has been refused more than once.
4360979 I completely agree. The only reason I am keeping it in my fave list is because everyone needs a cheap love fluff story and unless something better comes along l might as well read it.
This guy is doing phenominally well for being ripped out of his home forcefully because two magical ponies decided to fuck around with space.
I hope to fuck that Lin... wait what's her name again? I couldn't be arsed. Anyways I hope that you are not going to keep her in here for some bullshit romance triangle or something. That is cliché to a point.
Your writing style is getting better at least. Th8ngs actually happened. Kinda.
4360685 he was against it not for it and was hoping to date or marry Erin. Not sure what you been reading, anyways I look forward to the next chapter. There has been both positive and negative feedback but no reason to stop working on the story. The writing is decent and not terrible compared to some of th stuff I read so far. Keep up the good work
His internal dialogue is entertaining. I'm guessing he is kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop though. "Well I'm here might as well start planning what to do" to "holy crap what am I gonna do!?"
Well, we aren’t the most harmonious creatures ever to live on Earth, but I could sort of get the picture down. That still didn’t explain why they chose to hurl hundreds of space rocks into deep space just to get their message across. Didn’t they think about the end result if they had somehow managed to get a reply in the form of aggression from any one of those stars?
I believe the much more important question is, are they both loony? Throwing meteors the size they choose at other planets, can cause much more damage than simple equipment problems... What if one of them flew into a highly populated area? A town or city? That could have easily meant the end of Pittsburgh and half the citizens that live there for example. CELLY AND LU-LU ARE YOU NUTS?! Besides didn't they technically kill his 'girlfriend'? Just because of that damn rock she lost here life. Good Job Celestia, I'm sure she'll find harmony in death... But I digress... moving on!
Wow. You freaking nail it with your story. I look forward to the next chapter.
Huh, interesting...
I wanna know more!! Why did Luna react that way knowing a human FEMALE might be in Equestria as well.
Are we sure that she came with him?
I'd image seeing the horse capital would be something like seeing the vactican.
The chapter truly shows the naivety of the ponies. A meteor crashing into a plants suffice could have disastrous consequences. Think of it landing in a city such as new York or Tokyo? I personally would of slapped her for such action. I liked how he pointed thay out in his rambling, showed character.
On the point of conflict: ponies are unnatural. Organic life is full of conflict from the two saplings trying to out grow each other for sunlight too world war 2.
Alright then.
Well, your use of unnecessary/strange words is getting better. There are still a few instances though. Such as when Celestia slips her neckpiece through her head instead of the other way around. You'll want to keep a constant eye out for this kind of thing. Remember, keep it to the point (unless there's a good reason) and make sure that words actually do what you're trying to get them to do.
What I'm seeing crop up now is Mark's reactions, of which there are two types of problems.
One is his actual response to something around him. He doesn't actually come across as very alarmed/surprised given how he's just going along with everything. Though that could be pinned on him subconsciously denying that anything's wrong and delaying his reaction.
The other part is that his reactions are extremely idealized. The whole conversation about the Elements of Harmony is the best example. Celestia does nothing more than mention the Elements of Harmony and Mark pretty much thinks that is the coolest thing ever, but he doesn't yet know the Elements from a random pile of dirt. She then mentions nothing more than the names of those who represent each element and Mark is even more amazed. He sounds more like a devout brony being introduced to Equestria than some random guy who just faceplanted there.
The other problem is that Mark seems to realize things that he couldn't possibly know. Knowing that crystals are a big thing through the Empire just because the palace is crystalline and Cadance mentions "The Crystal Empire" is a very strange leap. Like the Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy nor had anything to do with Rome - it's just a name. Telling the princesses that he thinks stories of human conflict would be controversial and upsetting to them is another. It's fine if he asks about such things, but outright knowing is not okay. Then he's also pegging Luna as a potential romantic interest after knowing her (and her race, society, customs, etc.) for only a couple hours. You must remember to separate in-character knowledge (Mark's actual experience) from out-of-character knowledge (things you, as the author, know).
Two things:
1. Are you making Equestria into monarchy instead of diarchy? Celestia said that she's a ruler of equestria, not co-ruler, and Luna didn't corrected her.
2. I noticed that earlier but forgot to ask: are you making equestrians look more like normal horses instead of 'big brain case', 'forward facing eyes', 'magnet hoofed' creatures they are in the show and other fan fics?
What the hell? Just half a day to his stay, and he's already contemplating living in Equestria permanently, marrying a pony, and even interspecies?
You are getting me disillusioned with the hope that this story wouldn't be a fistful of pony ball-licking. I'm halfway into the chapter and already I'm getting the feel that it's hollow.
So...he learns that he may never be able to get home again, it was entirely the princess' fault that he was nearly killed, and it was for a pretty stupid reason? And his response was to almost go on an "evul humanz" tirade and continue doing mental asskissing towards the pones rather than get utterly pissed off?
What the hell?
The cards never play out right my friend.
4360753 Wait wait wait, he does that? I couldn't be arsed into reading past where I stopped to comment and just skimmed the ending.
Welp, there goes my fave! Wave goodbye to it, author, and enjoy your position right beside XD-385 in my list of preferences!
EDIT: Oh, and you can pretty much forget getting into The Good HiE list too. "The Lost Element", another misanthropic self-insert wish fullfillment in practically the same molds as this (which just so happens to be written by said XD-385 or whatever handle he's using now), except with a different waifu and a lot more words, has been refused more than once.
4359776 cuz she want Mark's booty to herself.
Asskissing
4359776
Luna wants the hot monkey dick and must go kill the competition before anyone finds Erin so Luna can claim she was dead already.
Why does he assume he is in Europe? And why do all the ponies speak English?
That's an awful big conclusion to jump to for someone who has been awake for ten minutes.
What the ponies call the flank is not actually the flank, meaning that your character would not know the cutie mark as being on the "flank" rather the rump or buttock.
infovisual.info/02/img_en/071%20Morphology%20of%20a%20horst.jpg
Why would he expect them to?
The word you want is "former"
4360979 I completely agree. The only reason I am keeping it in my fave list is because everyone needs a cheap love fluff story and unless something better comes along l might as well read it.
This guy is doing phenominally well for being ripped out of his home forcefully because two magical ponies decided to fuck around with space.
I hope to fuck that Lin... wait what's her name again? I couldn't be arsed. Anyways I hope that you are not going to keep her in here for some bullshit romance triangle or something. That is cliché to a point.
Your writing style is getting better at least. Th8ngs actually happened. Kinda.
4360685 he was against it not for it and was hoping to date or marry Erin. Not sure what you been reading, anyways I look forward to the next chapter. There has been both positive and negative feedback but no reason to stop working on the story. The writing is decent and not terrible compared to some of th stuff I read so far. Keep up the good work
His internal dialogue is entertaining. I'm guessing he is kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop though. "Well I'm here might as well start planning what to do" to "holy crap what am I gonna do!?"
4361358 That is exactly how I thought when i read it.
Please Sir, may I have some more?
Throwing rocks can make entire species go extinct, just sayin.
Kind of funny how Mr. Character conveniently forgets the danger of simply rocks in space.
I believe the much more important question is, are they both loony? Throwing meteors the size they choose at other planets, can cause much more damage than simple equipment problems...
What if one of them flew into a highly populated area? A town or city? That could have easily meant the end of Pittsburgh and half the citizens that live there for example.
CELLY AND LU-LU ARE YOU NUTS?!
Besides didn't they technically kill his 'girlfriend'? Just because of that damn rock she lost here life.
Good Job Celestia, I'm sure she'll find harmony in death...
But I digress... moving on!
Trowhing rocks at other planets well how about we return the favor shoot ze missiles
Heh, I guess you could say that he was ... outflanked!