Glaze , and H8 Seed, both workers of the dreaded
Rainbow Factory, watch as they escape and set the truth free, This is my first story, so please go
easy on me. Enjoy !!
Chapters (1)
A7xCaramel
Joined 8th Feb, 2014 ·
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Whoever came up with H8 Seed should be strangled. That character has way more stories devoted to him than he deserves.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Really, I haven't seen many stories about him, much less Glaze.
Starting off, good rip-offs, alternate endings, and overall references to 'taboo' fics like Rainbow Factory are not well recieved, especially when it's your first story. Good authors can pull these off with some level of decency, most others cannot.
When your description looks like this, the general assumption is going to be that your story will be even worse. Every error in your description is worth anywhere from five to ten in your actual story, so be certain to never, and I mean NEVER let such atrocities as these litter your description. In addition, asking for people to 'go easy on you' is about as effective as saying the same thing to a rapist. It don't work, pal.
Anyways, no problems with the tags, but the story itself seems rather short. The generally accepted minimum for chapter length here is 1,000, I always say to aim for a minimum of 1,200. That number, however, is doubled for one-shots (at least in my eyes) as they are the alpha and the omega of the story. So for one-shots, aim for a minimum of 2,000.
Anyways, onto the story!
One: new speaker, new paragraph. Every time we get a new piece of dialogue, we need a new paragraph. Two: get an editor if you can't differentiate between something as stinkin' simple as: your and you're. Three: how the flying bat tits is an earth pony working at a factory in cloudsdale, a place where only pegasi work? Granted, Twilight used magic to grant her friends the ability to walk on clouds, but last time I checked only pegasi worked at the factory. Logical flaw detected.
Again: editor. Don't chage tense midway through a story like this. Previously you were using past tense: said, weren't, would, so don't change it up randomly to present tense like this.
Spaces don't belong there, simple as that.
Reading this, a single thought punctuated my brain: I'm fucking (been too long since I got to use that word) bored. This story is uninteresting, the characters are bland and boring. There is no point to go on with this story as it does nothing but try to give Rainbow Factory a feel-good ending (I assume) which is something that the story DOES NOT FUCKING NEED!
I ENJOYED Rainbow Factory. Partly because gore, partly because it ended how it did. Not happily, with the protagonist's loss. It told of an unsettling truth, something that made it (in my eyes) a work of art. It disturbed and art disturbs. The whole idea of giving Rainbow Factory a happy ending is complete and utter bullshit! Ugh.
Sorry for the rant, moving on!
And the rest was no different.
Scrap the story, move on, get an editor. Don't try to rip-off or ride on the backs of the artistic giants like Rainbow Factory as you'll only fall off unless you yourself are a giant. Make sure to read, read, READ as much good fiction as you can while also throwing in a few shitfics to get an idea for what not to do.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)
Nice story
Please tell me that did NOT just fucking happen!
This was underrated, spelling and grammar needs
someAlot of work, but other than that good story."Prep the orbital weapons platform! Get ready to fire all silos!"
This is... a thing. Im not gonna do a detailed review, rather Im going to go over the cover and point out the many flaws.
First and foremost, didnt Glaze and H8 work against each other, or at the very least wasnt H8 the one who escaped while Glaze was fine with staying behind? Also if this is taking place around the time H8 escapes wouldnt that put this some time long before or long after Scootaloo was captured? I dunno, just kinda nitpicking the fact that Scootaloo has a major role in this. Aside from this nitpicking of the generally accepted fanon Warren already covered almost everything, so there isnt much use repeating what he has already said. I didnt expect this to be so short, so here is the Rainbow Factories insignia because I dont know how to end this.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/084/6/2/rainbow_factory_logo_by_nursetenderheart-d5z9q5k.png