Shattered Rainbow: Escape

by A7xCaramel

Shattered Rainvow: Escape

Shattered Rainbow: Escape

By A7xCaramel

It was just another day inside the factory, most of its workers up and at there assigned positions. H8 Seed, a grey mechanized Pegasus was just getting to his post. His job was to pull the lever that would collect the spectra from the captive pony. " Hey, your late, hurry your ass over there and pull the damned lever, we've been waiting for about half an hour" said a blue earth pony, his mane a bright blond, he watched H8 seed carefully.

"Yes sir" he said in response. If it weren't for him being in upper management , he would have given that pony a taste of his mind, but that would get him punished. He has never been punished, but he has seen what they do to the Pony's that do rebel. one of his friends was punished recently, and he hasn't been seen from since. Maybe they have him in intensive care, or maybe they fed him to the device. Either way, he could do nothing about it.

He pulled the lever as a bright red Pegasus was brought up from the pin. He screamed for mercy, but he only got a blade pushed into his face, he tried to move, but it only dug the blade deeper in and in moments he fell limp , blood gushing from the wound.

The machine pumped out some of the brightest reds that it ever has, the spectra was being pumped to a giant vat from a hose. " Keep it up you pathetic bucket of bolts, about another five hours and your shift's over" said the blue earth pony again. He sighed in annoyment

" yet another day of slaughter " he said under his breath.

" Ok, just like any other day, just act like you don't care, act with no mercy, act like a cold hearted killer, it's not like they know the truth" she told herself. She was in one of the many private restrooms, getting ready for yet another dull day in the factory, the factory she thought for a moment, the rainbow factory, a place of unknown wonders, " more like a place full of fucking lies, why some pony hasn't told Celestia or Luna, she couldn't think of any reason not to" she said to herself as she was combing her lush green and yellow mane.

" Glaze, you got ten minutes till your shift starts, so you might wanna hurry up, you don't wanna piss off rainbow now do ya". " Thanks Jo, I'll be out in a minute" she said to Jo. She finished combing her mane and opened the door. " So how much time did you say I have again" she questioned. " Ten minutes, can you really not remember that fucking much, just try not to screw up today, or I'll have your ass" he yelled.

She watched as the blue pony trotted away, tears forming in her emerald green eyes. " I can't take much more of this" she told herself, she shuddered at the memory of his last encounter.

She was trotting peacefully to her post, a rather small ledge were she would over see the daily routine, make sure that every pony was in check, and the rare occasion in which she has to punish a rebelling worker. Close to her post was that of one of the many workers, but not just any, it was H8 Seed, he seemed miserable, a frown plastered on his face, she felt sorry for him, his whole existence was for the sole purpose of murder.

Many Hours Later.....

It was the end of both of there shifts, H8 Seed walked up to glaze's platform. " You've been watching me for some time now, can you explain why"?

She was quick to answer, " yes, I was watching you, why do you want to know" she asked. " No one has ever taken an interest in me before, most either ignore me or abuse me, but that's not the worst of it, the worst was about a year ago, I finally found out that I was an android, all that time I thought that I was a normal Pegasus, like you, they lied to me for eighteen years, and I've just about had enough of this, this cruel, bleak, and dull treatment, and don't play that whole your a rebel speech, because I've seen how you've been treated before too, Jo has beaten you before, just like he's done to others" he finished.

Her jaw dropped at his outraged speech. " So, are you interested in an escape then, it's our only chance at getting away from this hell, the pain, the fear, and that constant feeling that someone is watching you every step that you take" glaze spoke.

" Well, yes, yes that would solve many problems, that, and we could let the truth be herd about this cruel place" he spoke. With a nod, they both went there separate ways for the night,glaze thinking of how to get out, maybe she could think better In the morning, for now she needed sleep.

She awoke to a loud knock on her door, who it could be, she had no idea. It came again. Bang bang bang.. "

Glaze, get your ass out of bed" a familiar voice called out.

Scornfully, she obeyed the voice's command and got out of the warm embrace that was her bed.

"I'll be out in a few minutes, give me some time ok" she all most yelled, obvious that she was annoyed. " Fine then, if you want to get punished for being late them it's your decision not mine" he said.

She bursted out the door, clearly angry at whoever was outside of her room, " who are you to come barging in and commanding me like a solider" she yelled, it was a blue Pegasus with a white mane with black tips, he seemed like he was scared to say what he said.

" Please forgive me for my harsh words for I did not mean them, I was sent to inform you that you are almost late, rainbow dash is not happy" . Glaze nodded and followed the blue colt to her post, Jo glaring daggers at her.

As she got to her post, she could tell that something was off, it felt as if something bad was about to happen, suddenly she herd screaming and saw a orange filly Pegasus fly overhead, rainbow dash chasing not to far behind, "don't let that little bitch get away, kill her" she almost spat.

Glaze thought for a moment, this could be our chance to escape,she went trotting around the bottom floor, but no sign of him , but she could hear his familiar voice. She went around a bend and bumped into him.

" This could be our chance to escape, rainbow's too busy with a rebelling group of those failures from Cloudsdale, and I know a way out, are you in" she asked. He nodded a yes and followed her to the start of there escape.

They both arrived at a small tunnel, behind the devise. " This is were the remains of those ponies goes, and our ticket out. Come on" she beckoned. The two headed into the pitch black tunnel, occasionally bumping into a long dead corpse, or each other.

Meanwhile, at the factory, rainbow dash was finally caching up to the orange filly, " Scootaloo, there's no point in running, we will find you if you try to hide, and you won't like that now would you" she teased.

" But I thought that you loved me, you treated me like a little sister, and now you turn around and want to kill me" she spoke in sobs. " I did love you, I gave you all that you needed to pass that fucking test, but passing it was all up to you, and look at you now a failure, you failed Cloudsdale, you failed your friends, and most importantly, you failed me. So now your dead to me" she spoke.

She grabbed the weeping filly and strapped the restraints onto her legs, then called out for H8 Seed to pull the lever, but got no response. In a flash of rage, she flew up and pulled the lever herself to begin the process, her unaware that he and glaze had escaped from the utter disaster of events.

Slowly, both Glaze and H8 Seed could see the end of the tunnel, it had been hours since there escape, but now it was all worth it. They were bathed in a shower of sunlight as they exited the tunnel, the sun giving them a warming welcome to the rest of the world, in the distance they could still hear the sounds of the factory.

" Hey, we need to get far away from this place. I think I still have a friend that lives in Ponyville, his name is Mic, if he's still there we could stay with him for a while, then we could go and speak the truth about this place" she said, a hint of joy in her voice.

" How do you know all this" he questioned? " I haven't lived my whole life in that factory, I've only been there for about five years, and Mic, he's an old friend that I had while I was a filly. That all" she answered. With that out of the way, they were off to ponyville, and a new life awaits.

Comments

[nodamnbrakes]

Whoever came up with H8 Seed should be strangled. That character has way more stories devoted to him than he deserves.

[Warren Peace]

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

[A7xCaramel]

Really, I haven't seen many stories about him, much less Glaze.

[Warren Peace]

Starting off, good rip-offs, alternate endings, and overall references to 'taboo' fics like Rainbow Factory are not well recieved, especially when it's your first story. Good authors can pull these off with some level of decency, most others cannot.

Glaze, and H8 Seed, are both workers of the dreaded[there should be no new paragraph here]Rainbow Factory,. watch Watch as they escape and set the truth free,.
[New paragraph goes here]
This is my first story, so please go[New paragraph does not go here]easy on me. Enjoy!!

When your description looks like this, the general assumption is going to be that your story will be even worse. Every error in your description is worth anywhere from five to ten in your actual story, so be certain to never, and I mean NEVER let such atrocities as these litter your description. In addition, asking for people to 'go easy on you' is about as effective as saying the same thing to a rapist. It don't work, pal.

Anyways, no problems with the tags, but the story itself seems rather short. The generally accepted minimum for chapter length here is 1,000, I always say to aim for a minimum of 1,200. That number, however, is doubled for one-shots (at least in my eyes) as they are the alpha and the omega of the story. So for one-shots, aim for a minimum of 2,000.

Anyways, onto the story!

from the captive pony.
[New paragraph]
"Hey, your you're late, hurry your ass over there and pull the damned lever, we've been waiting for about half an hour!" said a blue earth pony

One: new speaker, new paragraph. Every time we get a new piece of dialogue, we need a new paragraph. Two: get an editor if you can't differentiate between something as stinkin' simple as: your and you're. Three: how the flying bat tits is an earth pony working at a factory in cloudsdale, a place where only pegasi work? Granted, Twilight used magic to grant her friends the ability to walk on clouds, but last time I checked only pegasi worked at the factory. Logical flaw detected.

He has had never been punished

Again: editor. Don't chage tense midway through a story like this. Previously you were using past tense: said, weren't, would, so don't change it up randomly to present tense like this.

"[Stop putting spaces here]Glaze, you got ten minutes till your shift starts

Spaces don't belong there, simple as that.

taken an interest in me before, most either ignore me or abuse me

Reading this, a single thought punctuated my brain: I'm fucking (been too long since I got to use that word) bored. This story is uninteresting, the characters are bland and boring. There is no point to go on with this story as it does nothing but try to give Rainbow Factory a feel-good ending (I assume) which is something that the story DOES NOT FUCKING NEED!

I ENJOYED Rainbow Factory. Partly because gore, partly because it ended how it did. Not happily, with the protagonist's loss. It told of an unsettling truth, something that made it (in my eyes) a work of art. It disturbed and art disturbs. The whole idea of giving Rainbow Factory a happy ending is complete and utter bullshit! Ugh.

Sorry for the rant, moving on!

And the rest was no different.

Scrap the story, move on, get an editor. Don't try to rip-off or ride on the backs of the artistic giants like Rainbow Factory as you'll only fall off unless you yourself are a giant. Make sure to read, read, READ as much good fiction as you can while also throwing in a few shitfics to get an idea for what not to do.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)

[blue blood dj]

Nice story

[silentname]

Shattered Rainvow: Escape

Please tell me that did NOT just fucking happen!

[TurboTheGameGuy]

This was underrated, spelling and grammar needs some Alot of work, but other than that good story.

[null_name5656]

This is my first story, so please go
easy on me.

"Prep the orbital weapons platform! Get ready to fire all silos!"

This is... a thing. Im not gonna do a detailed review, rather Im going to go over the cover and point out the many flaws.

First and foremost, didnt Glaze and H8 work against each other, or at the very least wasnt H8 the one who escaped while Glaze was fine with staying behind? Also if this is taking place around the time H8 escapes wouldnt that put this some time long before or long after Scootaloo was captured? I dunno, just kinda nitpicking the fact that Scootaloo has a major role in this. Aside from this nitpicking of the generally accepted fanon Warren already covered almost everything, so there isnt much use repeating what he has already said. I didnt expect this to be so short, so here is the Rainbow Factories insignia because I dont know how to end this.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/084/6/2/rainbow_factory_logo_by_nursetenderheart-d5z9q5k.png