Meet The Hooves!

by Pen and Quill

Cold Days

Ditzy felt the warm morning rays touch her face as the sun rose over Ponyville. Smiling she stretched and made her way out of bed. Climbing down the stairs she made her way into the kitchen to get a small breakfast before heading off for work. Just as she opened the fridge door, she heard the sound of a door closing somewhere else in the apartment. Thinking it was just her flatmate Carrot Top, she reached into the fridge and pulled out a muffin, but was still slightly edgy.

Closing the fridge she made her way to the table in her small kitchen and sat down. She listened as the hoof steps came towards the door, and just before it opened, she realised they weren't Carrot Top's. They were too slow and much too heavy, more like a stallion's.

Jumping up and turning around Ditzy began to slowly back away from the stallion now in her kitchen. He wore all black and she couldn't see anything but his eyes.

Making her way to her window she tried to turn and jump out, but the stallion jumped forward. Scared for her life, Ditzy bucked out and heard a satisfying thwack as her hooves met his face.

Just as she began to relax two more stallions entered her kitchen, and Ditzy knew she was hopelessly out numbered. Suddenly the window behind her smashed sending glass over her back and wings which were splayed to make her look more threatening. Ditzy turned just in time to see a cloth in a magical aura clamp around her mouth. Struggling against the hooves that now wrapped their way around her and held her down she cried out for help.

Soon the darkness took over her, and she knew that help wasn't coming.

---

Ditzy felt groggy as she began to hear a conversation around her. "She'll be awake soon, and then you aim, got it?" One stallion hissed.

"Yes boss. And is the device working?" Came the voice of stallion number two.

"Of course. Do you take me for a fool? I didn't think so. Leave the second it's done, it's not good to get caught." Replied the first stallion before she heard receding hoof steps as her eyes flickered open.

"Don't say anything the boss doesn't tell you to say." Said the stallion in front of her, the second one she had heard speaking. Nodding Ditzy closed her eyes again as the world started spinning. "Okay, get in the carriage." He commanded and pushed Ditzy towards the carriage.

She carefully got in, not used to the very thick vest she was now wearing. She sat inside and the stallion slammed the door and left. Ditzy wondered if running was a good option, but then realised that they were probably watching her still. This was only confirmed as a red dot appeared on her chest. Gulping loudly Ditzy waited for instructions, all the while trying to stop the tears flowing down her face.

Suddenly the device pinned to her ear made a buzzing noise, before a pony's voice came through. "Pick up the phone."

She looked around and quickly saw the phone. Picking it up she unlocked it. "Good. Now dial this number: 3372 09861*"

Doing so, she brought the phone to her ear. She chocked back sobs as her situation hit her full on as the pony laughed.

The phone was quickly answered. "Hello? Who is this?" Said the deep baritone of another stallion, but this one Ditzy knew.

"H-Hello se-sexy." She sputtered trying to speak through her tears.

"Ditzy?!" Came the voice on the other end, but it wasn't concerned, just shocked.

The voice in her ear told her to keep speaking.

"I-I've set up s-some games f-for you." She spoke trying note to sob.

"Ditzy? Where are you? Why are you crying?"

"I-I'm not the one cr-crying it's thi-this stupid b-b-bitch. And if s-she tells you wh-where she is the s-same will h-happen as b-before."

There was a pause as Sherlock said something to somepony else in the room with him. "What is the game?" He asked when he came back.

"A-a riddle. Y-you have 12 hours. Hurry." She spoke for the strange pony. But knowing he was about to hang up, Ditzy spoke quickly. "P-please Sherlock!" She whispered before closing her eyes tight as the phone call ended.

Author's Note:

*facehoof* forgot you needed 1000 words to publish, so two chapters instead of just one! Constructive criticism appreciated.
*Not a real number, obviously.

Comments

[DismantledAccount]

Why is the "Epilogue" at the beginning? Prologues come before the beginning of a story, not Epilogues. Epilogues come after the chronological end of a story.

[Pen and Quill]

3642452
I believe this is a moment, is it not?

[DismantledAccount]

3642632
It is. Although, that was only one of your many mistakes.

[Grandfather]

I feel like this chapter was rushed. To make sure if I'm going to fav it I'm wighting for the next chapter. Sorry for my spelling.

[Pen and Quill]

3643071
That's okay, you don't have to like everything!

[Pen and Quill]

3642806
Do share.

[DismantledAccount]

3646225
Alright then, I will. Brace yourself.

--Commas:
You need to learn when and how to use them.
Example:

Screaming Ditzy jumped back.

Correction:
Screaming, Ditzy jumped back.

One of many errors involving commas.

--Wall of text:
You need to make paragraphs. Start off by making each character have their own paragraph for speech then divide it further as necessary.

--Word confusion:
You confused "off" and "of" multiple times, as well as some other words that didn't quite fit the sentence you put them in.

--Pacing:
This feels incredibly rushed. Not much else I can say here. Just rushed.

--Lack of detail:
It was okay-ish... but there is still a lot of room for improvement.

--Short chapters:
Short chapters can mean many things. Most of them bad. You can have short chapters, but it is not recommended for most stories. Generally it is advisable to keep every chapter over 1k words.

Overall I thought the story was quite poor.
Read this and some popular/highly rated stories to help you improve.

[Pen and Quill]

3646607
Your insight is valued, why else would I have posted the story if not to get feed back. I'll go through it again, thanks for pointing that out!