• Published 19th Nov 2013
  • 3,804 Views, 119 Comments

SpartAnon - Bastinator

Anon is a Spartan-IV and a member of Fireteam Crimson. When he accidently finds himself on the wrong end of a Forerunner artifact, he finds himself in Equestria. It has to be a dream, right?

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Chapter 3: Pony Land

”HI!” the lady shrieks and tackles you. Shields are down. How the fuck are they down?! ”I haven’t seen you before. You’re really big you know. Is it because you ate your vegetables? I don’t like vegetables. I like cupcakes. Do you like cupcakes?” Oh lord, if you’re up there, send down your vengeance upon this travesty of joy and spunk.

Twilight pulls her off of your body, still stunned against the wall. ”Pinkie is one of a kind.”

Your shields hum to full charge and the light engulfing your body recedes from view. ”Ooooh pretty.”

You hold up your hands instinctively. “No, not pretty.”

Twilight laughs at your reaction, “I thought you were a soldier? Aren’t soldiers supposed to be tough?”

“We are- I am.”

”Says the one slumped on the floor with their hooves in the air.”

“Oh you did not just call me French,” you retort getting to your feet, “And they’re called hands, not hooves.” Twilight lets go of her hold on the pink menace and you can’t help but flinch. She giggles at your displeasure, but you stand up firmer than ever. You’re a Spartan of the UNSC, not a child. Not anymore.

“Apologies ma’am. My name is Anon,” you say extending a hand. She looks at your hand and then back to you, a devilish grin on her face.

Oh no, she better not be- ”Hug time!” she hollers and clings to your armor. Right through the shields again!

This- God damn this situation. She’s extraordinarily light though which is a pleasant surprise. She’s not the manatee you expected. Fine, just bear with it. You timidly pat her back, your vision blinded by the puffy folds of her mane. She squeaks in surprise, “Hey now, we just met.”

You didn’t just- Oh god you did. She leaps off you happily, her demeanor unbreakable. You look at your hand. It looks clean, but it will be forever tainted. Today was the day you slapped some p0ny flank. Note to self: Incinerate right hand at earliest convenience.

”I’m Pinkamena Diana Pie, but my friends call me Pinkie.”

“Pleasure Pinkamena.” Her eyes droop slightly at your words and her poufy mane begins to go flat. Twilight clears her throat and looks at you. “I mean that I’d have to get to know you better before I can call you that.”

And Pinkie’s back to normal, “It’s a date then.”

“I wouldn’t go that far-“

”What time should I drop him off,” Twilight asks.

“Ok Twilight, this isn’t funny any-“

”How about the day after tomorrow?”

”He’ll be there.” Fuck me with an iron dildo and call me Papa. Pinkamena hops her way downstairs and allows you to leave. Twilight waves goodbye to the Cakes and Pinkamena. You try and do the same but take another hug to the face. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stay the fuck still, hand.

”See you later Anon!” she says dismounting you. You stand in the doorway trying to find something to say. Nothing. Fine by you. You turn around and close the door, leaving the Diabetes Diorama behind you. Twilight attempts to hide a grin as you catch up to her.

”Sooo what’d you think?”

“I was violated in more ways than I thought physically and mentally possible.” Twilight has to stop and lean against a wall as she begins to laugh her ass off.

There’s nothing funny about this. Nothing in the slightest. ”I-I-I’m s-sorr-“ she tries to say but is cut off by another burst of laughter. You change the settings on your shield and flick her on the ear, your shields sending a powerful shock throughout her body. Once she’s stopped spasming on the ground she begins to grow serious. ”That was uncalled for.”

“So was setting me up with one of your p0ny friends.”

”I saw you grab that flank…” she mutters.

“I couldn’t see! I was trying to pat her on the back.”

She rolls her eyes and continues down the road, “Sure keep telling yourself that.” Great, just fucking fine and dandy. Been here for little more than a day and you need to clean your visor, amputate your hand and you have a date with a farm animal. The Guinness book of records has to have something like this. Alright Anon, stay focused on the present. You’ll cross those bridges when you come to them. Perhaps you’ll burn them down as well…

“Great, now I have to think of an excuse to not show up. Or I could hide, that always works.”

She snorts, “You obviously don’t know Pinkie well enough yet. You’re better off fighting through it. Besides, it’ll be good for you.”

“I don’t know what definition of ‘good’ you know, but mine consists of not being the target of repeated assault.”

”She just wanted a hug.”

“And I just wanted to get through this alive.”

”I’m sorry that the tough ol’ solider can’t handle a tiny p0ny like Pinkie.”

“Is that a challenge?”

”I don’t know, you tell me,” she sports at you.

Oh hell no. “Fine then, you’re on. I’ll go on that ‘date,’ gah just the word kills me, but I’ll get through it.”

”Don’t make a girl a promise if you know you can’t keep it.”

“You’ve got no idea what I’m capable of.”

”You have me there,” she replies in a lower tone. There’s a hint of something that you didn’t expect at this point.

“That scares you doesn’t it?”

”Wouldn’t you be?”

“No. I’d be observant and calm, and when the time arose I would take out the threat.”

”And that statement seems completely rational to you?”

“Of course. The entire reason I am who I am is because of that.”

”And just ‘who’ are you?” she asks, her words prying at your history.

“I’m Anon. Who else would I be?” you reply smugly.

”You certainly are,” she replies stopping in front of a building, “Hungry?”

“Not really, but don’t let me stop you.”

You sit down at one of the outside tables, a waiter coming over to assist you. ”Good day, how can I serve you today?” She orders some type of salad, typical, and looks over to you.

“I’m good thanks.” He trots off with her order and Twilight sighs. “Something wrong?”

”Nope, just waiting for someone.”

“Who’re you meeting?”

”Another friend of mine. We have lunch together every once and a while.”

“Only once and a while?”

”She’s timid. You should’ve seen her last night.”

“Oh, the Pegasus. I remember her. She gave me shit for the Manticore.”

”That’s the one.” The waiter comes back, setting down a platter of greens and a glass of lemonade.

He looks beside you, ”And is there anything I can get for you ma’am?” You turn to your side, the very same Pegasus sitting beside you trying to avoid eye contact, her face hidden by her locks of pink hair.

”Oh, no thank you.”

Her sudden appearance shocks even Twilight, “I didn’t even see you coming.”

”I’m sorry, I’ll try and fix that…” She has to be the biggest pushover you’ve ever seen. I see someone to exploit in the future.

”Anyways, Fluttershy I’d like you to meet Anon. Anon, Fluttershy.”

Her head trembles as she tries not to stare, “Umm, hi.”

You could barely even hear her. You look to Twilight. “Seriously?”

”Anon!” she barks before falling back to her normal voice, “What did I tell you.”

“Yeah yeah,” you reply turning you chair back to Ms. Yellow Quiet. She occasionally takes a peek, but does her best not to. Alright, let’s think about this. She’s timid so she’ll take everything seriously. No jokes or sarcasm. She’s already scared of you so you should try your best to stay still. What the hell can you actually say to her? Twilight’s still judging you and you have to think of- You’ve got it. Something so profound she won’t even see it coming. “Hi.” Genius.

Ok maybe that wasn’t as amazing as you imagined it, but at least you tried. Surely Twilight is satisfied with- Nope, that look on her face tells you all you need to know. Okay, how do you get to know someone? “So Fluttershy, what do you like to do with your free time?” She fidgets in her seat like a prisoner in an interrogation. “Was it something I said?”

”Shut up Anon. It’s ok Fluttershy, we’re all friends here.”

“Except for me.”

”Except for Anon,” she clarifies. “Wait a-“

“But yeah, what do you like to do? Arts and crafts? Cooking? What’s your hobby?”

”I um… take care of animals,” she squeaks almost inaudibly.

“No shit?”

”I try and clean it up.”

“Wait a fudge popsicle. You don’t happen to live in a house just outside that forest do you? She nods. “With the picket fence, nearby stream and one metric ton of animals?”

”Yeah,” she smiles meekly, her face blushing.

“Well I’ll be.” You turn to Twilight, “I found my way there when I tried to leave you guys in the dust.”

Fluttershy perks up, “So that was you that Angel was talking about?” That’s a stupid fucking name.

“I don’t remember seeing any p0ny there. Just some rude rabbit that answered the door and a bunch of other animals.”

”Yeah, that’d be Angel. He’s my little bundle of love.”

“I didn’t get that myself.”

”Well we all can’t be winners,” Twilight adds. Can’t disagree with her there.

Fortunately this little conversation seemed to open her up a bit. She can be quite the talker if you let her. Overall, she’s not half bad. At least she hasn’t attacked you, passed out or attempted the hug of death. That puts her firmly at the top of people not to fuck with out of respect. You have a completely different list for people just not to fuck with. Like Twilight, don’t bite the hand that feeds. She’s basically your lifeline here. ”So where are you two going next?” Fluttershy asks.

”The only person I have left to introduce him to is Rainbow Dash.” Speaking of terrible names. ”We’ll probably head up to her house.”

”Isn’t she at Applejack’s?”

Twilight tilts her head before smacking herself, “How could I forget? They’re training for the Running of the Leaves.”


”The Running of the Leaves is a Ponyville tradition where we help shake the leaves off of trees with the pounding of hoofsteps.”

“And this is some type of race?”

”Oh it’s just so beautiful,” Fluttershy marvels, “I never miss it.”

“You don’t look like much of a runner.”

”Well, I just like to watch.” So that’s how she rolls. Dirty dirty mind. “So we’re going to stop by I assume.”

”Right you are,” Twilight states.

You bid Fluttershy farewell, the mare still skittish but seems to have warmed up to you at least. Twilight and yourself head over the bridge and towards ‘Sweet Apple Acres’. “I wonder if it has anything to do with apples,” you joke. The sun beats down on your armor but you don’t mind.

A little sweat is good for the body after all. You didn’t think about it before, but you do feel kinda grimy. Usually you’d slip out of your suit back on the ship, but you don’t have that luxury here. You could probably get it off yourself, but it’s not exactly light. In the end you’ll find a way. You always do. The hill gets steeper as you climb, the trees growing dense. Before you know it it’s like you died and went to apple heaven. It’s actually not that bad looking. Reminds you of Reach before those Covy bastards got there. Just forget it Anon, they’re in the past.

”You know Anon, you should probably run with them.”

“I’m not saying that I’d rather suck down a plasma grenade, but that’s what I’m saying.”

”There’s no reason not to. Everyp0ny will at least be familiar with you, you’ll get to know us a little more, what’s the downside?” Damn that gleam. She’s never going to take no for an answer. She’ll keep poking and prodding at your ass until you go.

“I’ll see if I can make it.”

”Don’t worry, you can.” And you thought Fluttershy was a pushover. Get a mirror already. You brush the thought aside as a vibrant red barn comes into sight.

The trees open up the way for the vast stretch of lands ahead. Besides the growing vegetation this place seems kind of- barren. The sun grants its illumination from the sky’s peak, half a day already passed. Time certainly flies around here. The filtered air passes through your lungs, the circulated material dismissing most of the natural smell, but a small bit remains. You grew up with this smell. This smell made up much of your childhood. You bow your head under the small archway and get closer to the barn. You hated this smell. Everything it encompasses. Everything it represents. This dark thick aroma is the plague of your life. Such a thing…

A stallion pokes his head out of the barn on alert, his demeanor shifting upon seeing Twilight up. It shifted once more when he saw you. ”Good afternoon Big Mac. Is Applejack around?”

He chews on the strand of wheat in his mouth, “Eeyup.” Real talker isn’t he?

”Is she off in the fields again?”

Another chew, “Eeyup.”

“You know any words besides that?”

He ignores you, “Who’s your friend?”

”I completely forgot to introduce you. This is Anon, he’s not from around here.”

He nods, his eyes fixated on you but not acknowledging your presence, “Ah figured.” He just dislikes all kinds of you. Lucky for him, you dislike his hick self too.

“Let’s go find her shall we?” you say to Twilight who agrees and begins to walk off.

”Anon,” the red stallion pipes up, “A word.” Oh boy here we go. You lean against the barn wall, Big Mac spitting out his strand of wheat.

“Something you wanted to say? You got your eye on me? Stay away from my sister?” You shake your head. “I’m not exactly happy about being here okay. This is a lot of shit to handle and not much time to sort it so don’t add onto that pile with threats you’d never see through.”

He soaks what you just said, “Was going to apologize actually, but I figure you deserved it now.”

“Oh. Well… Damn it all,” you curse to yourself as you walk away. What’d your drill sergeant say? Assumption is the mother of all fuckups. Nope, that was Marcus Penn.

You make it back to Twilight in no time, “So what’d he want?”

“He wanted to be kind, but I shit over that whole situation.” This just eats you up; your self-destructive nature is killing any chances you have at living a calm life. “It’s like- I don’t know. It feels as if I have no control over it.”

”But don’t you?”

“And that’s what’s really getting me. This is nothing new for me. I acted like this on missions, off the base. Hell, it’s the reason I joined the UNSC!” You’d told her a little about the UNSC, just some history and such, but never the reason why you joined.

”So why did you?” You spot the orange cowgirl and the skittles mare out on the path and divert her attention towards them. This is a conversation for a never time.

”Howdy you two!” she hollers upon your approach, “What brings y’all up here?”

“Nothing much, just checking out the sights.”

”So this is that Anon guy you were talking about,” blueberry yogurt p0ny says to Applejack.

“The one and only. Why? Want my autograph?”

She snorts at your attempt at humor, “No such luck. Name’s Rainbow Dash. You’ve probably heard of me.”

You shake her hoof, “Can’t say I’ve ever had that flavor bubblegum, but it sounds terrible.”

”Rainbow Dash? Fastest flyer in all of Equestria? Sonic Rainboom? What in the hay has Twilight been telling you all this time?”

“She did imply how all of her friends are weird.”

”Oh really Twilight?” Applejack asks jokingly.

”You’re taking that way out of context,” Twilight tries to explain.

“I can confidently say without regrets that she was right. You’re all weird.”

”What’re you implying there partner?”

“Don’t worry about that AJ, she said you were the tame one.”

”Of course she did,” she states triumphantly.

”I refuse to see how I’m weird,” Blue Fast argues, “I’m just special.”

“I could say something rude right now. So I will.” Twilight cuts you off with another glare and you wave it off with your hand. “Twilight seems to have spared you a flaming butthole. Well, I was just here to say hello. So if you’ll excuse me-“

You walk straight into her hoof, “You’re not going to get away that easily.”

“What do you want from me? I’m not much of a talker.”

”Then you’re going to learn to be.” If you wanted a mother you’d pry open her grave.


Fight through it Anon. “So *sniff* how goes your training?”

Twilight gently nudges your arm, “Are you alright?”

“Don’t worry about it. My sinuses are just acting up again is all. *sniff*”

That seems to deter her for now. Good thing you never mentioned the filtrations system. >”You sure you’re ok Anon?” Applejack asks whole-heartedly. Her caring words don’t help ease the pain, but her intentions do.

“Yeah. Yeah I am.” You shake your head and smile. “But hey- We’re talking about the race here, not me. How’s it going?”

”We’re just taking a quick rest after our latest lap. That makes six now,” Dash boasts.

”Three,” AJ corrects her amusingly, “You probably lost count with all that built-up dust.” Damn, you liked that.

Dash and AJ butt heads. “We’ll see who’s eating who’s dust at the race. Huh *partner,*” Dash stabs teasing the way she talks.

”Oh yeah we will. You may be a fast flyer, but that never got you into them Wonder Colts did it?”

”Wonder Bolts. They’re called the Wonder Bolts!”

”Yeah, whatever.” Note to self: The next time you visit crazy p0ny world, bring popcorn.

“Alright, let’s settle down.” You pull the two apart, their fighting for show by the grins on their faces. “I think we all know that between the two of you, I’m faster than both.”

Twilight smacks her face with her own hoof, “Oh brother…”

Applejack furrows an eye, “Run that by me again.”

”Ok Anon, it may not be such a good idea for you to go to that race.”

“Oh no, that’s where you’re wrong Ms. Sparkle. You coerced me into this and there’s no way I’m backing out now. Besides, I’ll only be running by Applejack once and after that she won’t see me again.”

”And just what do you- Ah I know you didn’t just go there.”

You hold your hands up in apology. “I’m sorry. I meant Applejack and Rainbow Dash.”

Dash and AJ nod to each other. What manner of devilish deceit are they construing? ”I’m sorry to cut this meeting short,” Dash explains, “But we’re going to be a tad busy training so we can put you in your place.”

“OH really? Well, I’ll be busy hanging out with Pinkie Pie and having fun. And you know what? I’ll still roast you a new bunghole at the race. How do you like them apples?”

”Don’t bite off more than you can chew partner. Wouldn’t want you stuck in the hospital when the race starts.”

“Don’t you worry. I’ll be there to fill you up with dirt. Try not to eat beforehand.”

”Come on Dash, we got training to do.”

“Don’t hold up on my account. Let’s hit it Twilight.” You give the two of them the Z-formation triple snap and weave your head side to side while you follow behind her.

”You got into it back there with the two of them.”

“Well I tried to make conversation. It started off as a joke, but then I serioused the fuck up.” You’re not going to lose to a couple p0nies. Not on your life. You enjoy the pleasant stroll with Twilight as you head back down to Ponyville. Enjoy… Strange that it should be for something so trivial. Bah! You’ll take it where you can get it.

You hold open the door for Twilight as she moves inside, a backpack lying next to the door. “Looks like the lizard’s home.”

”His name’s Spike, and he’s actually a dragon.” You can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of that sentence.

“If you’re telling me that that little pipsqueak is a firebreathing dragon, then you’re far crazier than I thought.”

”He’s a baby dragon,” she clarifies.

“Yeah and I’m the embodiment of truth and fairy dust.”

”Fine. If you don’t believe me I’ll show you. Spike!”

”Coming Twilight!” an adolescent voice shouts from upstairs. You grin and prepare yourself as the purple lizard comes down the stairs, “Hey Twilight, sorry about before. I freaked out when I saw that thing.”

”It’s quite alright Spike and speaking of him, I’d like you to meet Anon,” she says pointing her hoof to where you were.

Spike scratches his neck, “You alright Twilight? Did you not get enough sleep?” She looks back to find you missing.

”Where did he go? He couldn’t have run off.”

You inspect the ‘dragon’ the little thing barely worth calling a lizard. Its claws aren’t even all that sharp, his spine isn’t menacing either. Overall, you give him -2/10. He’d look much better on a platter with an apple in his mouth. You could definitely go for some roast lizard. Tired of staying hidden you grab him by the tail and hold him dangling before you.


“Shut up.”

”Anon put him down this instant.” You shake the dragon around, all the while he screams and hollers.

“This is the most pathetic dragon I’ve ever met.”

And it’s also the only one. ”Anon!” she snaps at you.

“Fine fine.” You ease him to the floor, the second his feet touch the floor he scrambles off behind Twilight. “Does that mean we’re friends?” you ask jokingly.

Twilight can only shake her head. ”Are you going to be like this all the time.”

“Trust me. Things only go downhill from here.”

”I can’t wait.”