• Published 19th Nov 2013
  • 3,820 Views, 119 Comments

SpartAnon - Bastinator

Anon is a Spartan-IV and a member of Fireteam Crimson. When he accidently finds himself on the wrong end of a Forerunner artifact, he finds himself in Equestria. It has to be a dream, right?

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Chapter 4: A Pinkie Day

You shudder as the water hits your bare skin, the accumulated grime rolling off as the heated liquid cuts its way across your body. You don’t know what you have until you lose it. That phrase has never been more relevant than right now. Unlike Lance, the rest of us grunts had less than admirable arrangements. The shower in your quarters was always a hell of ice and goose bumps.

Its nice to see that the ponies invested in hot water. You savor the moment, this simple sensation hitting your very core. Next time you see that bastards smug face you can boast how you had a hot shower of your own. Then again, he still has his own bed. You have a floor that isn’t even yours. Always a step ahead of you.

You dry yourself off and step out of the shower, stretching your toes on the tender wool rug. Who knew this felt so good? Whoever they are, they’re going to receive an ass whooping for not cluing you in on this. You tiptoe out of the bathroom in all your naked glory, no camo to hide you this time. Luckily Twilight’s busy writing some ‘Friendship Report’ to a princess or something.

You try not to delve too much into her fantasies. Being cooked up in this library all the time is bound to bring out some of the crazy you know is lurking around in there. You vault over the railing and land on the first floor without as much as a sound. Damn Anon, you’re just good like that. Hells yeah.

You flip open her dryer, its very existence raising a dozen questions you never wanted to get into. She’s not anywhere close to any tech that could be of use to you, like a radio. If you gave her your armor to study… No! That’s out of the question. Even if it worked and you got back to the Infinity, there’s no way Captain Del Faggot would let you get away with it. You’d be hanged and god only knows what he’d do to the ponies here.

Reaching your hand inside the machine you fish out your combat attire. The flexible material is comfortable as fuck and its even machine washable. Good thing too, because there’s no way in hell you’re washing that shit by hand. You’ve got patience, but that takes a steaming dump on the line. You slip into the garment and begin your task of getting back into your armor. Speaking about patience…

After about half an hour of fidgeting and rage you manage to lock your chest piece in place. You actually had to lay down on the back piece and use all your strength to get the front piece in place. After that your suit’s augmentations took over and made the rest a breeze. You plop on your helmet and let your suit run its start up. “Twilight! When are we heading off?”

Your radar pops up, and with it, a red dot running away from you. So she was going to spy on you again, seems legit. You open the door, Twilight pretending to start coming down the stairs. ”Whenever you’re ready.”

“You know Twilight, it isn’t nice to try and spy on people.”

”What’re you talking about,” she plays coy though her face turns a deeper shade of purple, “I never-“


”Alright maybe just a little bit, but what do you expect? You never tell me anything. I have to pull you by the teeth just for a little bit of information.” She has a point. Yesterday was supposed to be dedicated solely for research. It apparently got in her head that you would spill the beans on everything she asked. No such luck though. If she wants to learn about this stuff, she’ll have to earn it.

“Fine, I’m going to cut you a break. For every day I’m here, you can ask me one question and I have to answer honestly.”


“But I retain the ability to decline any question I wish.”

”But you could just decline all of them.”

“I could, but this way you’ll have to find this stuff out by yourself. Deal?”

”I don’t have much of a choice now do I?”

“Nope.” Now who’s the pushover?

”I still don’t believe you.”

“Try me.”

”Alright. How long have you been a soldier?”

“Hmm, that there’s a good question. How long has it been? What is it, 16 years? Nah, it’ll be 18 years in a few months.”

”18 years? Exactly how old are you?”

You chuckle and lean against the wall. “That’s another question now isn’t it?”

”You can’t just lead me on like that and not follow through.”

You look around a tad confused. “Well I just did.”


“Do you really think the puppy dog eyes are going to work on me?”


You head towards the door. “Nah I think I’ll let you fumble around with that in your head a bit, but I’m not cruel. I will say that I joined the military earlier than I should have.”

”And why is that?” you cup the side of your helmet.

“Is that another question I hear?” She gives you an annoyed glance. “Let’s just say that records can be lost, and we’ll leave this conversation at that.”

She’s not happy with it, but she knows an immovable object when she sees one. ”Are you alright going by yourself.”

“Of course. I remember the way and it’s not like I have to worry about being mauled to death. Except for Pinkie… unless…”

”What are you doing?”

“Just a little precaution in case she decides to hug me again. See you later Twilight.” With that you walk out to Sugarcube Corner.

You strut proudly down the street from Twilight’s library to Diabetes Command. Feeling fresh and clean puts a spring in your step and now it’s your time to shine. The pony’s expressions ranger from curiosity to appalled, but when you check your fucks given meter it reads an even 0%. Okay, it’s more of a metaphorical meter, but it’s a recession, you have to make do.

You let yourself into the shop and give the environment a quick scan, the bell ringing as you enter. ”Hello and welcome to- Oh. Anon…” That plump mare from earlier comes in from the kitchen. What was her name? Alright, she’s nice and plump with a round rump. If she’s stuffing her face she must be eating...

“Good Morning Mrs. Cake.” Works like a charm.

”Are you here to see Pinkie again?”

You sit down in one of the chairs and nod. “I have Twilight to thank for it, but you have to play with the cards you’re dealt.”

”I’ll go ahead and check on her.”

“Thank you kindly ma’am.” You’re not exactly sure how you’re going to get used to this, but you will. If there’s one thing Spartans are good at its adapting. Whether it be in combat or on a pony planet. That sounds absurd as all hell now that you think about it. Where in the universe could that shit have sent you to? There’s so much uncharted territory, it’s no wonder this place hasn’t been discovered yet. Still, if the artifact brought you here so there must be some connection-

”Anon!” You spot the pink blob bouncing excitedly down the stairs with Mrs. Cake, suspense building up within you. Come on over you fucker, ol’ painless is waiting.

“Morning Pinkie. How’ve you been?”

”Fine and dandy!” she exclaims to your ears dismay. You extend your hand for a shake but by that look she has other plans. And so do you. She leaps into your arms and triggers your trap, your shields releasing a concentrated current straight into her bouncy body. She collapses on her back, her skin covered in a thin layer of ash. Mrs. Cake is horrified, her mouth permanently formed to that of an O.

You stifle a laugh and kneel next to her. “You alright there bubblegum?”

She puffs out a ring of smoke that drifts to the roof before dispersing. You rub your neck. This might’ve been a bit much. Twilight only took about a fourth of the shock before. If she’s really hurt then you’re in deep shit. There’s no way Twilight would- ”That was soooo cooool!” Pinkie screams as she bounces back up, the ash still covering her body. Mrs. Cake faints at the sight of Pinkie’s return from the dead. ”Whoops, look like someone needed some sleep.” Ignorant lass isn’t she?

“You’re uh, sure you’re okay?”

”Absodutely Wootily.” She steps out of her ash coat, the black mist hanging in a perfect replica of Pinkie’s body down to the hair. Wh-what? Fuck it. Just accept it and move on. She giggles like a school girl when she sees her master piece. ”That was a good one Anon. I didn’t even see it coming and I see everything!”

You’re not sure how she’s still standing, a blast like that would bring a normal Spartan to their knees. ”We’re going to have so much fun! I can’t wait!” she says bouncing off the walls.

“What are we going to do about Blueberry here?”

”Blueberry? Her name’s Mrs. Cake silly, not Blueberry.”

“Whatever, we can’t just leave her like this.” You think about that for a moment and shrug. Yes you can. “Nevermind, let’s go.”

You escort the energetic mare out the door and give a glance back to Mrs. Cake who’s still passed out on the floor. She’s going to make her husband very happy, at least until she wakes up. “So what’re the plans for today?”

”I don’t know what do you want to do?”

“I asked you first.”

”Hmmm… AHA! We can throw a…” she looks left and right before screaming into the air, “A PARTY!”

“Consider your idea shot down.”

”Pleeeease? I promise you’ll love it.”


”Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” she apparently promises. “Still no. I hate parties.”

”You’re just a party pooper,” she pouts before hopping back into her happy demeanor.

”How about cooking? We can make all sorts of treats together. I make the best cupcakes in Ponyville.”

“You’re sounding like that Rainbow Dash character, and I’m not into baking.”

She plants her hooves on her hips, “Well I’m just out of ideas.”

“Thank Christ. Actually I know, we can play a game.”

She grins from ear to ear and bounces around you happily, “Ooh tell me tell me tell me!”

“It’s called the quiet game, we sit here and don’t make any noise for as long as possible.”

”You mean ‘Shh’? Everypony knows Fluttershy’s the world champ.”

“Ugh just be quiet.” You cover your ears over your armor and go cloak, the module muffling any noise. Ah, at long last. Peace.

Her eyes go wide as you fade into the background, “Where’d you go?” Even with this her voice pierces your ear drums. She reaches out and pokes your helmet. ”You’re still here! But you’re not here? Are you here or not? Make up your mind.” Why did you ever agree to this?

”Hey Anon. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey…” She keeps going, every word combined with a poke to the visor. Anger… Rising… Can’t… Hold on… ”Hey Anon.”

“WHAT!” You explode out of camo, birds flying off in all directions, your voice carrying through the air around Ponyville. But she just smiles at you unmoved by your anger-fueled feat. “What is it, and I swear to god or whoever else is watching, if it’s some stupid ass thing I will rip out your throat and shove it up your cooter. Do you understand?!” Her eyes stay fixed on you, that mocking smile ever-present. “Well?”

She pokes you once more on the helmet with a bop. “Tag, you’re it,” she hollers sprinting away.

“Tag…” you mumble under your breath. Your eye twitches as that word bounces around in your brain, her voice ringing in your ears as it spirals down to your core. “Pinkie!” She stops moving and looks back to you. “I- am going, TO DESTROY YOU!”

She giggles in the face of your anger and runs away. A stallion pokes his head out the window, locking eyes with your visor. “You’re next boyo.” He eeks and slams his window shut, your attention turning back to the bouncing pink flank fading from sight. You place a waypoint on her and crack your neck.

Looks like her fun… has just run out.


You sprint down the road and rapidly close in on the mare. She peeks around and you catch the whites of her eyes. She squeaks, almost joyfully, and picks up the pace. You lunge forwards and grab at her with arms open. ”Weee!”

You hit the dirt road chin first and grind across for several yards before coming to a halt. “I missed…” You are a failure as a man and a failure as a Spartan. But you must not give up.

”That looked like it hurt,” the cheery voice from hell mocks you. You swipe at her while you’re down but she glides away with ease. ”Get up Anon. We have all day to play.”

“I’ll play jump rope with your intestines you wretched equine.”

You keep up the chase, the elusive minx always managing to escape your grasp just as you get close. She takes a back alley into the shadows and you activate your flashlight mount. “Here Pinkie Pinkie Pinkie… Come out and plaaay…”

A pair of eyes pop out the side of a trashcan, “You called me Pinkie! Does that mean I’m your friend now?”

“Like hell!” Your foot tears through the trash bin, but the Houdini mare has already escaped the metallic structure.

”You’re my friend now. You’re my friend now,” she beckons bouncing along the walls like a magnetic Easter bunny. You rip the thin mangled sheeting off your leg and toss it to the side and resume your pursuit. She takes a left back into the bright streets of Ponyville. When you escape the alley you find yourself in the bustling area of the Ponyville marketplace. A red screen pops up on your screen, further flaring your frustration. Target lost.

So you’re going to have to do this the old fashion way huh? Fine by you. You walk among the shopping ponies, every one of them scanned quickly before being ignored. She’s hot pink and annoying as all hell so she shouldn’t be that hard to find. The haggling of ponies surrounds you. It’d be enough to overwhelm you if you’d never been in a firefight before.

You check each stall, even checking them twice. You can feel your composure slipping off like an old coat. The sun burns brightly above the clouds as you make your way around. Who knows how long you’ve been at this. It feels like ages, but time’s a bitch so whatever. You stop moving and calm down. You need to be calm if you want to succeed. ”Giving up?” Alright, fuck the stream!

You fling your arm at Pinkie, but according to the trajectory of the sun and the moon you miss again. The only thing you manage to hit is an unoccupied stand which shreds at your wrath. ”Wowie zowie that stand just went powie!” Stop missing dammit!

She gallops under another stand, but you know better than to just run after her. Every time you do she always seems to disappear, so why not try something else. When diplomacy fails and subtlety falls through there’s one thing you excel at. You walk up to the stand, the stall’s attendant running away. Bringing both your fists in the air you bring it down upon the inferior timber material. It splits down the middle, a mixture of fruit flying into the air, ponies screaming bloody murder. How you missed the primitive thrill of destruction.

The pink pony pops her head up from behind another stall like a game of whack-a-mole. ”That’s not very nice.” No shit.

You leap to the next stall Pinkie vanishing underneath. “You better not run!” You smash another stall into oblivion. “You better not hide!” Pinkie’s on the ropes now, unable to avoid both you and the debris. “You better watch out I’m telling you why!” The mare finally comes out of hiding, likely because of the havoc you’ve caused. Oh you have waited for this. “SpartAnon is coming to town!”

The chase is on once more and you leave behind the fruits of your labor, one broken stall and its dozens of disabled brothers. “He sees you when you’re sleeping! He knows when you’re awake!” You know just how to slit her throat so sit still for goodness sake!

Pinkie makes a bee line straight for Sugarcube Corner, the sun descending by this point. She thinks she’ll be safe back home? Not a chance. You push yourself that much harder towards the shadow filled structure. You’re so close to Pinkie you could taste her. She’d probably taste like cotton candy. Focus Anon. She’s almost at the door. “No. You. Don’t!” Throwing all your strength into one last lunge you throw yourself at the mare. She counters with a hug of your own as you crash through the door.

The lights shoot on and a multitude of voices begin to shout. ”Surprise!”

The both of you land in a pile of mush, a substance you’re growing familiar with. Frosting. The crowd oohs as you and Pinkie are both lodged inside what you think is a cake. And deep inside the sweet’s bowels Pinkie lays there smiling at you, “Surprise.”

“This- this was all just a way of keeping my attention so they could set up a party?”

”Yep. I didn’t expect you to go so loco in the cocoa, but I had to keep you busy.” She made you stand on the edge of sanity… for a party! You’re just- just… Tired. You sigh, your will exhausted. Out of all things you’ve just lost the will to fight. Being angry… It’s just not worth it here. Pinkie will outlast you, no doubt about that.

“I guess, well, thanks Pinkie.” She wipes some more filling off your visor with her eternal smile.

”You’re welcome.”


”Best of friends.”

Ugh, might be going a little far there, but you’re not going to fight this one. “As much as I love being wedged inside a dessert, perhaps we should work our way out.”

”Okie Dokie Lokie,” she spouts before drilling her way out of the top with her teeth. Through the layers of cake you hear a round of applause as she makes her exit. Hard to follow up with a performance like that… You pop out the cake’s rear like an annoying turd, a familiar unicorn helping you to your feet.

”Is taking pastries in the face customary where you’re from?”

“Another question, another day.” She rolls her eyes and makes sure you’re alright, which you are of course. It’s cake not a brick wall. Even though that still wouldn’t do much. You’re just a straight up badass aren’t you? She does you the courtesy of magicing off the sweet remnants on your armor. “So where’s my party hat?”

”I- We didn’t get any party hats.”

Pinkie glides up behind you and pokes her head over your shoulder, “What do you mean you don’t have party hats? It’s not a party without party hats.” She slams her hoof on a wooden board, the plank flipping over revealing a secret stash of hats.

”I have hats hidden all over Equestria,” she whispers to you, “For party emergencies.” She flicks the lamp hanging overhead and catches a rubber ball, “Balls too.” She giggles and hops around handing out party hats and making sure everyone’s having a superino time.

You stare at the hat in your hand and prepare to crush it like you’d originally planned. But a thought hits you. Why the fuck not? This is party, might as well try to have fun. You’re a man, not a machine. Content with yourself you slip on the part hat over your horn.

Even though this is your party it seems most ponies are here for the food and company. You actually gave an honest effort to cut down on the dickishness. But they still see you as a freak, which in truth they should. In this fucked up universe you’re the weirdo. Had the roles been reversed would things be any different? You sigh as another group of ponies excuse themselves upon contact.

Seems like you received a better rep for being a dick than you did for being… Normal? Nah that sounds too angsty. Socially grounded! That’s more like it. If you ever said that aloud you’d have to slap yourself, but the term fits. You’ve been less than charitable in regard to how you’ve treated the ponies here. Hell you weren’t exactly kind back home, but you were never this bad to them. Maybe this is karma’s way of being a bitch.

You manage to avoid both Twilight’s and Pinkie’s attention and sneak outside. One last try tonight wouldn’t hurt would it? You peer at the setting sun wrapped behind a thicket of clouds. “This is Anon. Spartan 054 of Team Crimson. If anyone’s out there… Please respond.”

The cold response of static doesn’t exactly lighten up the mood any. Alone again… In most cases you appreciate silence, ironic how now you’d give anything for a voice. ”Mind if I join ya partner?”

You smirk. Not exactly what you had in mind, but you’ll make it work. “Please do, I’m starved for company.”

The cowgirl takes a dash of punch, “Look at that sunset. Can’t see anything like that off in Manehattan let me tell ya.”

“Never liked the city life all that much personally. Felt too cramped.”

”I hear ya.”

“So, how’s Big Mac?”

”That big old lug is doing just fine. He’s probably tiring himself out right now. I offered to help him tonight, but he shooed me off. Seems like hard heads run in the family.”

“Tell me about it… What’d he shoo you off for? I can’t imagine he wouldn’t want help.”

”Between apple bucking and training to teach you who’s the fastest runner in Ponyville,” she jabs, “I haven’t been able to get out much.”

“So you figured you’d come to my surprise party.”

”Might as well right? All my friends’d be there so I decided to come along.”

“Sounds like that’s the reason so many people showed up.”

”What do you- Oh…” she digs her hoof in the dirt in embarrassment, “Ya know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Don’t sweat it AJ. I don’t exactly have the best rep after all.”

”Yeah Applebloom told me ‘bout your little market adventure. Made a few enemies I hear.”

“All in the name of the chase,” you joke. “Looking back at it I can’t say that it wasn’t a little fun to just let go. I know what you mean when you said how you’re busy.” You lean against a lamp post by Applejack. “I’ve always been either fighting the good fight, stuck in a briefing room or off sleeping. I never had time to do anything different. Mainly because I didn’t want to.”

”Well that don’t make a lick of sense.”

“Some people escape from the world through movies, games or parties. Kind of like Pinkie. I on the other hand escape through work, but it looks like I won’t be going back to that for a good while.”

”Well. Seems we’re in the same kinda boat there.” The sun falls beneath the rooftops, its rays cast overhead as not to blind you. ”Ya know, I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help hear you talking to yourself before.”

Here we go… “Not exactly to myself, but I see where you figure that. You’re not going to lock me up are you?”

”Naww, nothing like that. It’s just- you sounded a bit sad is all. I figured someone should talk to ya.”

“Taking pity on the lost solider. I like the sound of that.”

”So you ain’t mad?”

“I appreciate the thought that someone, well, somepony, is looking out for me.”

”Anything for a friend right?”

“Yeah,” you look to the ground, “For a friend.”

She hits your armor light enough to avoid the shock. ”Come on now, you don’t want to miss your party.”

“You just want me to plump up on cake so you can beat me in that race.”

”Two trees with one buck,” she grins and walks back inside with you. Today… was an alright day.