• Published 19th Nov 2013
  • 3,804 Views, 119 Comments

SpartAnon - Bastinator

Anon is a Spartan-IV and a member of Fireteam Crimson. When he accidently finds himself on the wrong end of a Forerunner artifact, he finds himself in Equestria. It has to be a dream, right?

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Chapter 10: The Spartan Claus

You stand in the snow, frost built up in the grooves of your armor. Note to self: Keep your mouth shut. You just had to ask what they were doing for the holidays. Oh its winter surely the ponies have Christmas. But noooo, they had no clue what you were talking about. It could’ve ended there if you kept your mouth shut but you had to blab on. The season of giving and so on and so forth. But Twilight, the fiend that she is, decides she wants to be culturally sensitive. And of course, Rarity jumps onboard that train in an instinct because in her mind, “It’s what a lady would do.”

You shudder, more out of the prospect of getting in her head than from the cold. ”Hey Anon,” Pinkie says popping out of the snow like the pink popsicle she is, “Whatcha-“

“Quiet, I’m monologuing.”

”Monowhoha?” You cast the voice out of your head as you stand amidst the building snow.

Twilight and Rarity thought it would be great to let your holiday cross over here as well. So you have to deal with their constant badgering trying to get everything perfect. ”Come on Anon, let’s play a game or something,” Pinkie groans. And Pinkie’s been pulling double duty to ‘lift the holiday spirit.’ Unfortunately the one thing they did have here was snowball fights. ”Hey Anon!” And Pinkie had an unfair advantage with that mother fucking- ”Duck!”

A blast of snow pounds into your back and subsequently buries you under the mass of ice. You’re going to have to steal that party cannon from her someday. Good news is, at least you can’t hear her now. That is until she gnaws through the layer next to your head and plants her face against your helmet. ”Hiii.”

*Sigh* “Hello Pinkie.”

You flick on your shields, the current melting away the ice encompassing you leaving a puddle at your feet, Pinkie falling with it. ”Come on. I know you want to play.” In fact she’s right, but you’ve got stuff to do.

“Can’t, Christmas plans and all.”

She shrugs, “Suit yourself.” Pinkie hops along, disappearing in and out of the snow as she goes. So, where were you? Oh yeah, the town hall. You knock on the door and enter the abode, the warmth of the fire melting off anymore snow that stuck it out. Twilight brightens up when she sees you, the mare donning a jacket along with her lizard companion. You still refuse to call him a dragon, the little bastard hasn’t earned his stripes.

“Oh the weather outside is frightful…”

”I know this one,” she exclaims pressing her head, “But the fire is so delightful!” Oh yeah, and she’s trying to memorize all these songs.

“I regret ever telling you about Christmas.”

”Oh come now Anon, be charitable. It is the season of giving,” Rarity argues in her new fashionable ensemble.

“Ah yes, I forgot someone’s the element of generosity.”

”Why of course she is,” the mayor sits behind her desk by the fire flicking through papers.

Twilight sits you down, “We’re just trying to make you feel at home.”

“I don’t need to feel anymore at home. I tried to tell you but-“

”We will not have that kind of talk,” Rarity cuts you off.

“She said it right there.”

”Even so, the idea is that it brings families together. That’s an idea we can get behind,” the mayor says facing you, her gray mane swishing about.

“I told you everything you wanted to know. What else do you need from me?”

”That’s a good question,” Twilight says, “Spike.” The purple midget gets up and moves over to the side the wall, Twilight following him. ”Lights,” Twilight claps her hooves the lights dimming.

She clears her throat, a single circular beam illuminating her and the stand beside her, Spike trying to jump in the spotlight. ”Christmas, the season of giving and joy. A holiday that a sole citizen must celebrate alone.”

“Happily, I might add.”

”Being his friends, it is our duty to make him feel at home here in Ponyville. So, I proposed that we spread this Christmas joy.” Spike pulls off a slide, revealing a picture of a family in their homes by the tree. ”So far everything has gone to plan, the trees we imported from Canterlot, stockings made by Rarity…” Rarity blushes and mutters a thank you. ”But for all of our festive efforts, we lack one thing that can make this celebration complete.” Spike pulls another slide, revealing a travesty of art meant to depict the jolly red character. ”We’re missing Santa Claus.”

Rarity gasps, “How can it be?” You avoid eye contact with the drawing, the Mayor seemingly buying their act.

“Who is Santa Claus,” she asks.

”I’m glad you asked,” Twilight says, “Santa Claus is a mystical figure who sneaks into pony’s houses in the middle of the night-“

Spike stops her before she can butcher the idea any further, “She means that he puts presents under the tree for everypony.”

The mayor nods, “A giving soul.”

”My thoughts exactly, but that’s where the problem comes in,” Twilight continues. Spike reveals the next one, this time comparing the drawing to that of a pony. ”The suit that Anon shows us in this picture-“

“That was just a quick doodle.”

”Is a symbol of who Santa is, and to preserve the nature of Christmas we cannot fit it onto a pony.”

“I’m not good at drawing,” you try to explain under your breath.

”And so I have come to the conclusion that the only pony, or person-“

“Wait a-“

Spike pulls the last slide, “Should be none other than Anon.”

“That- I don’t…” It’s a picture of you passed out on the barn floor of Applejack’s party when she got her cast off. She even drew a Santa hat on your head. “How can you draw? You don’t even have hands?” Twilight taps her horn. And Applejack said she didn’t do anything to you. “Absolutely not. There is no way that I’m dressing up-“

”All in favor of Anon being Santa say I. I.”




“…I hate all of you.”

”Fantastic,” Rarity says sifting through her bag, “And I have just the thing for you.” She plops a hat onto your horn, “You look fabulous darling.”

“I’m not going to be Santa Claus.”

”But Anon you must,” the mayor says, “The fate of Christmas rests in your hooves, hands.”

”You have to be Anon. Think of the children.”

“That’s the reason I don’t want to be Santa. Kids on my lap makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.”

”Oh… I didn’t know that,” Twilight says going pale.

You know that look, she did something. “Twilight what did you do?”

”Nothing. Do you know if there’s another way out of here Mayor Mare?”

”Why would there-“ You walk over to the door, “Anon don’t!” You throw open the door, a roar of menacing children and their cries of joy piercing your soul.



You grumble to yourself and futily wipe your legs of the stench that found itself there. “Next!” Another filly jumps on your lap, mucus dripping from his nose. “What do you want for Christmas? A snot rag?”

”I want a train set.”

Spike jots down the request on a piece of paper. “What else kid?”

”Can I get uh, another train set?” Yeah you know where this is going.

“Alright two train sets, now run along now. Santa’s got a line.”

The little bastard trots off to his mother who disappears in the crowd. One down, half a million to go. Twilight just had to say that Santa was going to be taking wish lists today. Spike belches, sending the note to ‘Santa’s Workshop.’ What a load of crap. ”Just so you know, I’m in the same boat as you.”

“You make it through this, and you’re worth any dragon I’ve known.”


“Well you’re the only dragon I know so… Anyways, next!” A uptight looking pony nudges his little mare along, her and her friend sitting on your lap. You recognize these two. They’re the bullies who’ve been terrorizing Applebloom and her friends. The cunts. “Ho ho ho, what can I get for you two princesses,” you chortle weakly.

The pink one, Diamond Tiara rolls her eyes at the question. “And exactly what could You get for Me? My father can get already anything I need.”

“Well maybe you can wish for someone else to get something.”

Silver Spoon cues in, “How about we wish for those blank flanks to never get their cutie marks.”

”Oh you are so bad, I like it.”’ The two giggle to themselves, a fire burning inside of you that you must keep contained. ”So how about it Santa Dork? Care to make our wish come true?”

“No,” you growl losing your composure.

You turn Spike around, “What do you mean, no?” You grab them both on the back, stealthily putting pressure on their spines and lean closer to them.

“Listen here Diamond Tits and Silver Splooge. I know who you are, I know where you live. If you are looking for a prank, I can tell you I don’t have the patience. But what I do have, is a particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for ponies like you.” The two are practically shaking now. “If you leave now this will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. Understand?” The two fillies nod, their tears frozen on their cheeks. “Good. Now scram.” They waddle off in terror, hiding behind Diamond’s father. “And MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

You sniff, a strange scent working through your visor. It smells like asparagus… You look down, a yellow trail on your lap and leading through the snow. “Dangit, Spike! Wipe this down for me please.”

”Santa will be right back everypony, he just needs to clean up a bit.” He’s got that right. You head out around back, wiping snow off on your crotch in a vain attempt to clean yourself. Wait, there’s that feeling again. Like you’re being watched. You step over in the snow, a snow mare directed at your seat. Moving to her blind spot you undo your crotch piece and turn the snow a nice yellow.

“Phew, I need more liquids.” Once you finish coating the last of the snow you sigh in relief and head on back. “Revenge is sweet.” Her silent sobs sustain you.


You flip on autopilot for the rest of the night, thankfully Spike having washed off your urine stained seat. Can’t have the big man himself sitting in piss with children around, have some class. Still, you don’t think those two fillies will be bothering them for a while. Or they’ll get… the claw. Note to self: Build menacing claw attachment. That is all…

”Anon!” another filly squeals though you recognize the southern accent immediately.

“Hiya Applebloom. Enjoying the week off from school?”

”Sure am,” she leaps aboard, Applejack smiling off to the side, “Hey uh Anon? What’s that smell?”

“Shame Applebloom, lots and lots of shame.”

”Have ya seen Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle yet?”

“Actually they were here a little while ago.”


“Look Applebloom, I may be Santa, but I can’t get you your cutie mark.”


”Language Applebloom.” Spike shakes his tiny finger claw.

“But there has to be something else I can get for you? Just name it and I’ll do my best.”

”Hmmm, alright. I want my family to have a happy holiday.”

”D’aaaaawwww,” Spike voices much to Applebloom’s disdain.

”I’m serious!”

“Applebloom… What you just said is the best wish I’ve heard all day. If there’s one wish I could grant, you just got it.”

Her eyes almost sparkle in joy, “Really?”

“Really,” you grin behind your helmet.

She hugs you with all her filly might, “You’re the best Anon.”

“I know, and hey! Have a merry Christmas.”

”You too Anon.”

Applejack walks up to you as the filly releases her hold, “Sure you can fulfill that there wish?”

“I’ll have to run it by the elves, but I’ll see it done.”

”Ah, you free later?”

“Yeah, just have a few more kids and then I’m home free.” She nods and trots away with Applebloom.


After you were done with your Santa duties, you went off for a drink with Applejack, Big Mac taking the little one off her hands. So there you sit with a mug of cider in hand next to Applejack who’s tending her own. The silence is nice. It’s not usual that anypony can do that for very long. Especially Pinkie. She’d blast a hole through the planet’s core if she ever had to do that, but Applejack seems content with it, just the two of you on the patio of town hall watching the snow. Have to give kudos to Dash for this one. Weather control said that there wouldn’t be any snow this year. That was her present to Ponyville, wrapped in a red ribbon that anypony could enjoy.

“I love the holidays. Well, I love the weather at least. Watching snow just makes everything seem to fade away.”

“You went through this whole kerfuffle just to say ya like the weather most? I don’t get you sometimes.”

“I just asked if you guys had Christmas. It was an innocent question.”

“But then Twilight got involved?”

“And Rarity, and Pinkie…”

”Why don’t you like Christmas?”

“I don’t dislike it, it just brings up some rather unpleasant memories.”

”Oh alright then…” Shut her down again, well…

“It’s reminds me of home. Back on Eridanus, me and my parents loved Christmas. Every year me and my dad would go out and chop down our own tree. Real Christmas Vacation stuff.”

”And… what happened?”

“The Covenant. That’s what happened.”

”They didn’t… On Christmas?”

“No, nothing like that, about a month before. I survived, they didn’t. When they took me back I was placed in foster care. Good parents, just not mine.”

”Ah don’t see the connection?”

“My guardians thought the ‘Christmas spirit’ would do well to cheer me up. It didn’t. Nothing was the same, fake tree, phony smiles…”

”It didn’t measure up to your parents.”

“That’s what I thought at the time. I was a spoiled brat. My parents let me live and what did I do? I wallowed in it.”

”Ya were just a colt.”

“I was a little bastard that’s what I was.”

”It wasn’t your fault, ya didn’t get a choice.”

You drink deep of your mug. “I know that. In a last ditch effort to make me feel better you know what they wanted to do? They wanted to have me meet Santa.”

”You resisted.”

“No actually. I wanted one thing from him, something… That I could never do.”

”You wished for your parents.”

You shake your head and finish off your mug. “I looked into this man’s eyes, just as a kid. He expected me to ask for a toy. No.” You look at Applejack, just like you did him. “I stared into his eyes and asked for Santa to blow the Covenant to hell.”

To say Applejack was shocked would be an understatement. “I know right? I couldn’t have been more than eight at the time.” You stand up and lean against the railing as the ponies engage in a playful snowball fight. “When I woke up Christmas day, I didn’t go to the tree. I didn’t care about presents. I flipped on the news. That’s the day I discovered that if you wanted to do something right, do it yourself.”

”So that’s why you joined the Spartans.”

“Oh hell no. At that time they started up the Spartan-III program. It was throwing lambs to the slaughter. Even as a kid I was smart enough to avoid that like the plague.”

”But that’s why you became a soldier?”

“Indeed. My parents deserved that last Christmas.” You smile as Applebloom smothers Scoots with a snowball. “When your little sister told me her wish… It fixed something in here,” you pound your chest piece. “I felt like she had the answer. She had the real idea of Christmas. It was never about the presents.” Applejack props her hoofs over the railing next to you and leans against you. “It’s always about family.”

You hold her to your side as the fight continues Applebloom waving at you both before getting nailed in the back by Sweetie Belle. “At least I have a new one to spend with this year.”

”Thatcha do.”

A wrinkle forms in the snow moving towards the group. “Oh shit…” you mutter.

”What’s wrong?” Before you can respond Pinkie bursts from the snow unleashing a hail down upon the battlefield, smothering all who would fight her. ”Did they all just get massacred?”

“Looks like, want to help them out?”

”I’m good.”

You too.


As you’re walking through the snow, Applebloom still looking like a snow mare, Twilight comes galloping to you. ”Anon, come quick. It’s almost time.”

Time? What the hell is she on about? “Taken a few too many hard eggnogs I see.”

”I’m serious. We don’t have a lot of time.”

“Come on Twilight. Can’t you see I just want to go home and lay in front of the fireplace with the Apples?”

"This is really important though. Christmas could be ruined.”

Applebloom gasps, the snow exploding off her like a piece of dynamite. ”Anon, you can’t let Christmas be ruined.”

“Not you too Applebloom. Christmas is fine.”

”Anon…” Applejack voices.

“Fine- Just keep the fire going. I won’t be long.” Twilight grabs you by the hand and pulls you away. You find yourself in front of Carousel Boutique, the sun beginning to lower. “What are we doing here?”

”Let’s go.” And she runs off without explaining a thing. And you have to follow because that’s how the story goes. Alright let’s get this over with. It already reeks, but that might just be the faint remnants of Silver Tiara’s piss puddle. Brings a smile to your face.

You get to the door just as Rarity opens it. She gives the outside a quick one-two before hurrying you both inside. “Can someone please tell me what’s going on?”

”A matter of grave importance,” Twilight starts.

”A ghastly predicament we have.”

”We need your help if we’re to succeed.”

”A gentlecolt like you would surely help.”

“Stop with the lingo thing. What’re you talking about?” Twilight looks at you like you just told her the world was flat. Rarity looks at you like you just told her that her coat was out of style. Pinkie looks at you… God Dammit. “Get out of here Pinkie. You don’t even make sense.”

”You’re not my real dad!” Pinkie flails out of the room using her tail as a propeller…

”What just happened?” Twilight asks.

“I have no idea, but random pink helicopters aside, what’s the big deal?”

Twilight nods to Rarity who trots off into the back. ”Anon. I know that you’ve been patient with my requests and done everything I’ve asked of you.”

“You can say that again.”

”Anon. I know-“

“Sarcasm Twilight. Get to the point.”

”We need you for one last thing.”

”It’s the final piece of the great Christmas puzzle, something so grand-“

“Useless dialogue for dramatic buildup.”

She pouts, “You’re no fun.”

“Do I look like Pinkie to you?”

”Anon, we need you to do this. For all of us.”

“And exactly what am I going to be doing?”

”This… Now Rarity.”

A curtain pulls back revealing… “Yeah, there’s no way in hell I’m doing that.”

”Don’t be a spoil sport. I know that you want to try it.”

“Do you have any idea how many laws I’d be breaking?”

“Think of all the joyful faces.”

“Twilight, listen to me. I am in no way, under any circumstances doing this alright?” She just smiles up at you. “No.”


“I hate you and Twilight, you know that, Rarity?” You soar over Ponyville, the sack stuffed in the back. You can’t believe she got all this prepared in one day. “This suit doesn’t even fit over my armor. How’d you get the measurement anyways? Never mind, I don’t even want to know.” The pegasi up front swoosh over the town in another pass.

”Oh darling Anon, this isn’t so bad. After all, isn’t this just a beautiful sight.”

“Beautiful my ass…” you mutter under your breath.

”Oh I dare say Anon, you never asked me what I wanted for Christmas?”

“Really?” Her eyes tell you all you need to know. “Ugh… What do you want for Christmas?”

She loosens her coat, revealing her home-made Mrs. Claus nighty, “So how about that marshmallow mad-" You kick the mare out of your sleigh and safely into the snow below. Meh. That’s what she gets for being worst pone. Anyways, you’ve got presents to deliver.

Today was a merry day.