• Published 19th Nov 2013
  • 3,807 Views, 119 Comments

SpartAnon - Bastinator

Anon is a Spartan-IV and a member of Fireteam Crimson. When he accidently finds himself on the wrong end of a Forerunner artifact, he finds himself in Equestria. It has to be a dream, right?

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Chapter 7: Marshmallow Madness

You pummel another tree with your fist before jumping back as the apples rained overhead. You’d long since disabled your shields, they always seemed to get in the way. It turned a high-five into a high-what-the-fuck-was-that! You laughed your ass off the first few times but after that it became rather stall. What’s the fun of doing that if it’s not on purpose? You saunter back on over once the barrels are full. Applebloom picks up the few that rolled away and places them back on top. ”That was a good one Anon.”

“They’re all good Applebloom.” You heft both barrels over your shoulder, Applebloom scrambling atop of one before getting her balance on the fruit barrel.

”That wasn’t very nice,” she giggles climbing on your shoulder.

“And who ever said I was?”

You empty out the barrels into a cart, making the ride extra bumpy for Applebloom who’s clinging helplessly to your shoulder. ”I think you’re nice.” Time to fix that misjudgment. You flip your shields on and off the surge of electricity tingling her hooves. She jumps off and onto your arm, “HEY!”

“Still think I’m nice?”

”Ya still caught me,” she smiles snuggling up on your arm.

“I hate you and everything you represent.”


“I will go into your room at night and slay you where you lie.”

”Slay me with kindness maybe.”

“…” God damn that grin. “You still don’t count.”

”And just why don’t I count?” she argues making a pouty face.

“Because you’re just a filly and you don’t know any better.” You dump the last bucket and head to yet another tree with Applebloom tagging alongside you.

”What about Applejack? She thinks you’re nice.”

“Really?” you reply setting the buckets around the base, “I didn’t know you were a mind reader.”

”Ya know what I mean.”

“I didn’t know I was one either,” you joke and line the next shot.

Another stream of apples comes falling down like a rainy day. ”She said you were super nice for coming out to help us.”

“And just why did I do that?”

”I dunno, but does it matter? You’re here.”

You chuckle and shake your head at her innocence. “So, out of curiosity, what else does she say about me,” you heft the buckets over to the wagon again.

”She doesn’t talk a lot about you, but that don’t mean she don’t like ya.”

“Don’t need to tell me twice.” You top off the wagon and head off to the front, Applebloom standing atop like a valiant captain commanding his ship.

”Onward to glory!”

“I will hit you child.” You fix yourself into the harness and pull back to the barn.

”Listen… The Oomu has awoken, run! You may actually hurt this kid if she keeps it up. ”The fluffy king of the east is closing in! We can’t let him get the amulet.” She needs to tone down the imagination just a fuck ton.

“I let the Oomu and fluffy king battle to the death while I escape with the booty, happy now?”


You get back to the barn and halt the cart just outside. ”Wait, Applejack did say something about you.”

“Do tell.”

”I remember Twilight was asking about ya when she showed up the other day.” You shudder at the thought. You’ll never get the sight of Twilight’s face pressed up against the window out of your head. At least not after years of therapy which you’re sure to need after this whole experience.

“So? What’d they say?”

She rubs her head. You swear… “I can’t remember, sorry.” God dammit.

“Don’t sweat it. You hungry?”

”Am I?!” You head on inside the house, ticking off another load of apples to be sent to market. Granny Smith is sitting at the table reading a week old copy of the newspaper. You tried to tell her that, but she said that the best way to know the present is to know the past. Any pony that says something like that goes on the not to fuck with list. You grab a few ingredients and set up the stove.

”Hmm, whatcha cooking sonny?”

“Just some chopped apple and onion with some tomato soup, nothing special.”

”Well I hope ya made enough for all of us,” Applejack comments as she comes down the stairs.

“Figured you’d be along when I started cooking again.” You double up the quantity and let the food sit, fixating on the delicate soup.

”So how’s the harvest?” Applejack questions sitting next to Granny. If there’s one thing she loves more than apple bucking it’s riding your ass.

”Going great,” Applebloom explains saving your tail, “Anon’s been working super duper hard.” You grin at the praise, but keep quiet.

”Is that right? Is he better than me or Big Mac?”

”No one’s better than you two.”

That’s enough to get a rise out of you. “Remember who’s cooking your food here.”

You set the plates and hand out the food, “Thank ya kindly.”

“Anytime.” You give the pot and pan a quick wash in the sink before drying off.

”What’s the hurry?” Applejack asks, “Aren’t you gonna join us?”

“I’d love to, but me and Big Mac have to get those apples to market while it’s bustling.”

”You sure you and Mac can handle it by yourself?”

“Of course.”

She gives a slight nod and enjoys your meal, “Not a scratch.”

“Yes ma’am.” You hurry back out to see Mac stowing away his own earnings for the day. “Ready to sell some apples?”

”Eeyup,” he responds rather coldly. Even after a few weeks he must still hold a grudge over your hmm… nature? Maybe the combination of your initial confrontation and your intimacy with the apple family has put him off. Out of all things you don’t blame him for that. If somepony talked like that to you, you’d have clobbered him… Into a coma.


You let him have the silence he mentally wishes and saddle up to Ponyville. The markets not quite as busy as you thought it’d be, but that doesn’t bother you. Working does good on the mind and good for the body. Not grueling work where you don’t know if you’re going to live or not, but simple honest living. It’s not wonder why your folks had set up on Eridanus. You pause as Big Mac continues to set up the stall. “Strange…”

”What is?” he asks not losing focus.

No pain. “Just a thought,” you shake your head. It’s an oddity when things go awry from the norm. Maybe it’s the heat that’s keeping you calm or the air. Who knows? All that matters is that you feel great for once. You pull the carts around the back of the stall as the customers start rolling in.

”Two bits is outrageous. I could get an apple out by Seaddle for one.”

Barterers, the scum of the marketplace. They’ll rob you high and dry if you’re not careful. ”I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s the price.”

Big Mac and this colt keep going at for a while before the colt decides to be tricky by changing the price to two bits. ”Three bits,” Big Mac responds.

”Three bits it is!” the colt slams down the cash and grabs an apple. That sneaky little devil, you’d never picked Big Mac for that kind of guy.

Mac pockets two and flicks the third back to him, “Your change sir.” The colt curses to himself at his failed ruse and you can’t help but laugh.

“Got three bits for two and you still give him one back. You’re going to make a mare very happy one day.” He instantly goes to another customer without response.

A pony comes up and begins fiddling with your apples. “Please… Don’t shake the merchandise. Bad for business.” The stallion pays and sets off. This is how your days generally go. Buck some apples, sell some apples, eat some apples, sleep with the Apples. It’s a very citrusy schedule. You sell another bushel of apples, a cart load of apples gone in no time. “Seems these ponies like their apples huh?”

”Eeyup.” That’s it. Just a few words at a time if that. His mood is putting a black cloud over your clear sunny day. You wait for the rush to die down before you turn to him.

“You don’t like me very much do you?”

”I don’t know what gave you that idea.” He doesn’t even give you a courtesy glance.

“This might be part of it. I think its general practice to look at someone when they’re talking to you.”

His eyes meet yours, “Apologies.” Okay this is kind of awkward. You take a step back to further the gap between you, but not make it noticeable.

“I know we didn’t leave at the best of terms the first time we met but that was weeks ago. You can’t still be annoyed at that.”

”I’m not.”

“Then- I don’t know. Why do you seem so cold towards me?”

”I ain’t the most talkative pony in Ponyville if you didn’t know. It’s just my way.”

“And yet I feel it’s more than that.”

”Applejack was supposed to be the one beside me today.” Oh, so that’s the reason. ”I didn’t know what to do when I saw her coming back with that cast. I just got so angry…” He didn’t like seeing his little sister hurt. ”I ain’t one to get angry about it, but when she told me how it happened-“

“You wanted to come charging down my door.”

”It ain’t like me. It just ain’t.” She must’ve calmed him down then. Which is good news for him. You wouldn’t want to hurt him, especially now. ”Applejack seemed to forgive you, but I can still feel it,” he touches his chest, “Right there.”

“I know that I already apologized to Applejack, but I’m sorry Big Mac. It’s my fault that she got hurt and it’s my fault you feel this way.”

He shakes his head, “No it ain’t. It’s mine. I figured if I ignored it it’d go away.”

“Pfft, let me tell you firsthand that that doesn’t work.”

”Eeyup. Start over?”

“Name’s Anon. What’s yours?”

”Call me Big Mac.”

You shake, hoof and hand. “This is the start of a good friendship.”

”Acheem.” A mare stands at the other side of the booth waiting rather impatiently.

“I apologize for that ma’am. How can I help you?”

”I’d like some apples.” No shit lady. She checks the price, “Two bits?! That’s outrageous!” You and Big Mac look to each other at the same time and chuckle. ”Two bits is no laughing matter.”

“It is for us.” She wasn’t a very pleasant customer to be sure.


You and Mac sell off the last of the apples and close up shop as one last mare comes walking up in fanciful attire. ”Did I truly just miss it?”

”Afraid so.”

”Well this is just the worst, possible, thing.”

“Don’t get your saddle in a twist,” you reply fetching the very last apple under the stand, “I as planning on having this one later, but you can have it Rarity.”

She catches it, “Why thank you.”

”You planning on paying for that Anon?” he jokes.

“Take it out of my paycheck.”

He throws the last pieces of the stand into the cart. ”I thought you were better at taking these apart,” Rarity says wiping off the apple, “You did it so easily with Pinkie.”

“Ha ha very funny.”

You chat with Rarity a bit while Big Mac finishes up loading the stall. ”Actually, there’s some work I need an opinion on.”

“Ah sorry. I gotta head on back with Big Mac.”

”So you can’t help at all?”

“I never said that,” you tease.

”Well, are you coming or not? You mustn't tease a lady in this fashion.”

“Sure why not? I’ll get home, shower, eat and head straight there.”

”Why not stay for dinner? I may be a seamstress but I am an excellent cook as well.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Rarity smiles and takes a bite, lightly dabbing the juice off her face with a napkin. ”Positively delightful.” You wouldn’t expect any less from the posh mare.

“Alright Big Mac, let’s hurry on back I reek.”

”Eeyup.” You pull on your cart and head out the market.

”Perspiration… hmmm…” You stop at the subtle speech.

”Something wrong?” Big Mac asks as you slip out of your restraints.

“Shhh.” You kneel next to a suspicious looking barrel, slits cut out facing where your stall was. That sneaky bitch.

”Well?” You turn the barrel to its side and wait for a noise, but she makes none.

“Nothing, just my mind playing tricks on me.” *Sigh* There it is. You press your foot on the barrel and send it rolling down the street, the hidden unicorn squealing as her cries fade away.




You get home without another incident. Applejack wasn’t exactly pleased how you decided to skip dinner with them for Rarity, but she allowed it. It was all friendly banter though, nothing serious. She did make you promise to decline her ‘marshmallow madness’ whatever that is. You figured it’d be best not to ask. One quick shower and subsequent agonizingly and irritating session of getting back into your armor, you head off to Rarity’s boutique. Seriously, you need to find an easier way of getting into that armor. Every time you have to take a shower you have to run the gauntlet. At least you have a suit of armor to get into. There’re children on the Outer Rim that don’t have fancy super soldier armor to wear. That one never gets old. Ugh… They’d get crushed if they tried to wear it anyways.

You knock on the door to Carousel Boutique, the door opening but not from Rarity. ”Hey Anon!”

“Sweetie Belle? What’re you doing here?”

”I’m visiting. Didn’t Rarity tell you I was her little sis?”

“I don’t recall her mentioning it. I figured you might’ve.”

”It’s so cool that you’re here. Want to come in?”

“Sure that’d be a start. I’m actually here at Rarity’s request.”

”She’s not going out again is she? I told her I’m old enough not to need a foalsitter.”

“No I don’t think it’s anything like that. She just needed my opinion.”

”Suuuure. That’s how it starts. If I know my sis-“

”Oh Anon I am so sorry I couldn’t come to the door myself,” Rarity excuses herself rounding the corner. “And Sweetie Belle, what did I tell you about talking behind anypony’s back?”

”That it’s unladylike.”

”Precisely,” Rarity smiles to you, “How are you doing Anon?”

“Fine considering I told you the same thing half an hour ago.”

”My mane’s all in a twist with work I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached,” she laughs lightly. She’s the only one who laughs and soon silences herself. “How about dinner?” she asks changing the subject.

”He can stay for dinner?” Sweetie Belle asks excitedly.

”Well of course he can,” Rarity says heading off, “Right this way.” You step into the kitchen, much cleaner than the Apple’s but also not as homey. Everything’s so orderly and, well, dull. At least at the Apple house you felt like the house had life to it, like it was part of the family almost. Rarity gracefully moves about the kitchen and whips out the fine china. ”This was rather last minute but I managed to throw something together.” You sit down and she reveals some sort of sandwich, a very elegant sandwich, but a sandwich all the same. ”It’s a Panini with mozzarella, tomato, basil and a little olive oil.”

“It looks great,” you compliment her. Rarity and Sweetie Belle sit down with their plates. “Aren’t you going to eat?”

”It’s customary for the guest to eat first,” Sweetie Belle explains eyeing her dish hungrily.

”That’s my little sis.”

You shrug, their house their rules, and slip off your helmet and set it beside you. An unnatural cold hits your face, you didn’t know they had A/C, they must be freezing. Rarity silently observes your facial structure as you take a bite and nod.

“Very nice,” you say covering your mouth. That’s all it takes for Sweetie Belle to begin digging in. Does she ever eat? Rarity does her best to ladyfy her, but after several failed attempts she leaves her be. The table lies silent for the most of dinner, another difference between here and the farm. It was always bustling over there and it made you feel a part of the group. Now you eat in silence with a forced smile. Just be nice. You’re doing great so far.

You stand up to wash your plate only for Rarity to snatch the dish out of your hands. ”You’re a guest, you don’t have to lift a finger.”

“But I could just-“

”I will not hear a word of it,” she hushes you and prances over to the sink. Sweetie Belle locks eyes to you and you can’t help but smirk when she mouths for you to run. ”Now Sweetie would you be a dear and finish this up for me so Mr. Anon and I can talk?”

”Ok…” she sighs.

”Isn’t she just the sweetest?” How in the hell does Sweetie handle this every day? She’s going to be doing a lot of drugs in high school, you’re calling it now. ”Are you coming Anon?”

“Of course.” You head up the stairs and into the closest room on your left, Rarity flicking on the lights revealing the horror that awaited you. Cloth, gems, glitter, string, sewing machines, mannequins, everything that every man instinctively fears. The mindfuck of colors and fabric is almost too much for you to handle but you persevere.

”Now you know that Nightmare Night is coming up…”

“Nightmare what?”

”Nightmare Night. You don’t have that where you’re from?”

“I can’t say we do.” She explains how they gather candy and sacrifice it to some Night lady so she won’t eat them or some shit. It strikes close to Halloween so you have some semblance of familiarity with it.

”Anyways, I’ve been preparing a costume for it and I need some input, specifically a stallions.”

“But I’m not a stallion.”

”Splitting hairs Anon. I still need a male’s opinion.” She draws out a long curtain and steps behind it. The hairs on your back stick up as a sense of dread takes you.

“My Twilight sense is tingling.” You plop your helmet on and zoom in on the windows.

”Did you say something darling?” Nothing there, but… a light shoots off one of the tree branches. Twilight… You gesture that you’re watching her and almost immediately the branch shakes and the peeping tom falls out on her rump. Serves her right. Eggheads and their antics. One day she might get more than she bargained for. ”Tada!” Rarity announces stepping out from behind the curtain, “What do you think?” Oh, so she’s going like thaaat.

A scarlet dress hangs off her body loosely adding a seductive look, the fabric embroidered for a noble look. Centered on her neck is a dark magenta gem holding together her flared collar, the color corresponding with the dress, two strands of sheer reaching from the gem and to the side of her dress. But what pieces the whole costume together isn’t the clothing, but the red contacts she put in and the fangs protruding from her mouth. ”Doesn’t this dress just make you beg to be bitten?”

“I’m going to have to answer honestly and say that any stallion would be head over heels for you.”

She reels her head back in confusion, “But not you?”

“Vampires aren’t exactly my thing. I don’t like the idea of something sneaking into my room and sucking me dry.” You try not to notice the sultry gaze she gives you as you look around the room.

”So what will you be dressing as?”

“I’m going to be a ghost.”

”You’re just going to wear a tarp over that suit aren’t you?”


”And I’m guessing you wouldn’t let me design you anything.”

“Correct again. You’re good at this.”

”Not to fret. I cannot help those who do not wish it.” She steps over her swabs of fabric and crosses you.

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

”Oh no that was it, but perhaps you’d like to stay a little longer…”

“I have to get up early in the morning, work and all.”

She flicks her tail at you and looks over her shoulder. “You sure? I could wash that dastardly armor for you. That horn looks like it could use a good polishing…” she purrs. Your mind ticks away as it tries to comprehend exactly what she’s implying before it suddenly clicks together. ABORT MISSION! ABORT!

“I think I’m good.”

”I’m sure you would’ve been.”


You let yourself out, Rarity still in her vampire costume. In one last vain attempt to seduce you she asks if you’d like any marshmallow madness before you go. Your mind is too full of fuck to answer her. “Goodnight Rarity.”

”Goodnight… sweet prince…”

You pace back to Sweet Apple Acres, passing a row of bushes. “Goodnight Twilight.”

”Goodnight… Wait no-“ Yeah you’re going to need to take another shower. Maybe two. Possibly three.


You close the door and rest your back against it, a feeling of safety washing over you. You make your way down the hall and to the kitchen where the rest of the Apples are finishing up their own dinner. ”Soooo, how was your night?” Applejack asks.

“Fine. There wasn’t a lot of talking and it felt very formal.”

”So no hijinks?”

“Nope. She fed me dinner, showed me her costume. The usual.” You take a step upstairs before turning back. “Oh, and she offered to polish my horn.”

Granny Smith snickers as milk erupts from Big Mac’s nostrils. Applejack looks like she’s about to explode, and Applebloom is straight up confused, “Applejack, what’s that mean?”

“You’ll find out when you’re older.” Today was an odd day.