• Published 19th Nov 2013
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SpartAnon - Bastinator



Anon is a Spartan-IV and a member of Fireteam Crimson. When he accidently finds himself on the wrong end of a Forerunner artifact, he finds himself in Equestria. It has to be a dream, right?

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Chapter 2: A Strange Start

“Anon calling to anyone, do you read me!”

Come on, come on, this can’t be happening. Not to you. ”Do you always talk to yourself?” Just ignore her Anon. You try again on your radio, the only response being static. You clench your fist in anger but keep it still atop the table. Stay calm. You can make it through this. You always do. ”Are you alright?”

You stare at her through your visor. “What do you think?”

You’re having a conversation with a talking unicorn. God, if your friends could see you now… ”Are you lost?”

You hold the side of your helmet and nod. “Something like that, yeah.”

She moves closer, slowly sitting in her chair across from you. ”Sooo, where are you from?” You look away from her and around her home. You don’t know what their obsession is with houses in trees, they’re horses not squirrels. Though with the way things are going, you can’t be sure if they’re not just robots controlled by miniature squirrels.

She invited you into her home so she deserves an answer at least. “That information’s classified, nothing personal.”

”Come on, just a hint?” she asks with a gleam in her eye. You recognize that look. You had it back when you joined the UNSC, determination. Not that you give in easy, but you just don’t have the strength to deal with any nagging. As long as you stay away from the biggies you should be fine. Besides, it’s not like Eridanus can suffer anymore.

“I was born on Eridanus II, a secluded colony on the edge of UNSC space.”

”You’re not from here?” she asks almost shocked.

“What gave that away? My looks or the fact that I just told you.”

”Well it’s just…” she points to your helmet, or rather the horn atop it.

“I’m not a unicorn if that’s what you’re wondering.”

You’re not quite sure why anyone would add that little piece or why you’d buy it in the first place. Makes a great improvised weapon though and it intimidates the hell out of some Grunts. You remember the first time you charged into a group of the fuckers, the little bastards screaming in terror and nearly shitting their suits. You hold in a laugh and lean back in your chair. Good times. Her eyes dart between you and the floor, another dash and its starting annoy you.

“You got anything to eat?”

”Of course!” she shouts leaping out of her chair. She sets down the stairs and you go ahead and follow. You browse her bookshelf as she makes you something to eat. You swear if she brings you a pile of oats or something…

Equines For Dummies. Good enough for you. You give it a quick scan, reading not exactly your forte, and take in anything that could be useful. The only thing that stands out besides magic are the Pegasi. A picture shows one moving a cloud around like it were a piece of furniture. You’re logical mind says it’s bullshit and your imagination is the first to agree. There’s this little thing called science, look it up. But they do have magic, so that kind of shits on your entire argument.

Fuck, this place, Equestria you think she called it, is going to be the end of you. Twilight taps your thigh and presents you a dish. You give it one look and begin to rage. Oats… “Where’s your kitchen?”

You follow her hoof and begin to rummage through her cabinets. ”Is this not enough?”

“I’m not eating that crap, even I have standards.”

”Ok…” she replies with a tinge of pain in her voice. It’s all vegetarian crap, no meat. Who called that? Oh wait, it was you. You manage to scrounge up a few eggs from her fridge. It’s barely considered meat, but it’ll do. You whip out a frying pan, some butter, salt and pepper and get to work. Twilight watches as you work your own version of magic.

You’re no Iron Chef, but you can work with what you’ve got. Eating straight MREs for so many years sparked a little creativity in you. Good for you, bad for your enemies. If only you were an interrogator.

You slide the eggs onto a plate. They’re a little runny, but that’s not gonna kill ya. Twilight directs you to where you can find a fork and knife. You think about asking her why she has these, but you find it better to leave it be. You sit down at the table, Twilight still observing. “Do you mind?”

”I’m sorry, go ahead.”

She doesn’t budge. “I don’t like people watching me eat.”

”Oh, that’s what you- I’ll leave you to it.” She trots off, trying her best to conceal the notepad and quill she swiped. Thinking back, you do remember a faint humming. Could she have been taking notes behind your back?

Let’s find out. You take off your helmet and shovel the eggs down your gullet. She’ll likely wait a minute before spying on you, and you just happen to be able to finish up in less than that. Before long the plate is barren except for a few scraps. You’d finish them off, but time’s of the essence. You pry the door open a smidge, put on your helmet and cloak. The door she exited through opens a little and you can see her eye gazing through the crack.

When she discovers you’re missing she bursts through, visibly worried. She gallops over and throws the door open, her breathing heavy but quick. You move behind her, the notepad levitating in air beside her, and grab it. ”HEY!”

There’s a little resistance, but you manage to pull it out of her influence. “What do we have here huh? I’m many things Twilight, but blind isn’t one of them.”

’Name: Anon (Strange)’

“So you were taking notes behind my back. I trust you just a little and you betray it. Unacceptable.” She attempts to explain but you hush her.

’Born on Eridanus at the edge of UNSC (Country?) space (Literal meaning?).’ It was smart of you to avoid Earth. She’s basically taking your words verbatim. ’Subject shows considerable strength. I believe it to be a male due to the tone of voice, but this theory must be confirmed.’ Subject… That’s a nice touch. ’The subject is quick to act, implying a lower level of intellect or possibly ignorance. Note: Take precautions not to anger him. If he can take on a Manticore like that…’

You shake the notepad in your hands and try to find something to say but come up speechless. What do you say to something like this? She spoke about you as if you were just some feral beast. ”I just thought- it’d be wise-“

“Have you no respect? You didn’t drag me here tooth and nail, I came willingly and this is how you repay me.” You toss the notepad to the side and she takes a step back.

”I had to do it. After what you did to the Manticore I had to. I don’t expect you to understand.” Oh lord. How did you not see it before? It’s so obvious and yet you sailed right over it. It really isn’t her fault, it’s just her nature.

You chuckle and hold your head. “You’re an egghead.”

”Ugh, why does everyp0ny say that?”

“Because that’s what you are.”

”That’s not nice.”

You serious the fuck up. “Neither was going behind my back.”

She looks to the floor, “I’m sorry.” You’re not sure if it’s because you have a full stomach or what but…

“I forgive you.”

”You- you do?”

“Did I stutter?” You grab her notepad and sit down on the stairs, tossing her the pad. “Next time, ask first.”

She practically squees with delight at the opportunity. You give the basics, species, eating habits, stuff like that. She was particularly intrigued when you mentioned your omnivorous nature. Most are skeptical to reveal that type of information due to fear of being persecuted. When you ask if she would she shook her head, “We’re not like that.”

You shrug and let her continue on. ”It’s nice to know I was right about you being a guy.”

“Indeed, that would’ve been one awkward conversation.”

She laughs a bit, “So Anon, do you have any brothers or sisters?” Your skin turns cold at the question.

“No.”

”How about your parents?”

“No,” you say trying your best to stay calm.

”Anyone?”

“I said no!” You catch yourself before you can carry on. “I’m sorry Twilight. I didn’t mean to yell.”

”It’s ok, I shouldn’t pry.”

“No no, it’s my fault. I have uh, a temper problem. I hate repeating myself see?”

”That’s quite the problem.”

“I try to work on it.” She drops the subject thankfully and yawns. The clock on the wall says it’s around 3:00.

”I think we should leave it at that for today. Do you have a place to sleep?”

“Not exactly.”

”Would you like to stay here for tonight?”

“If you wouldn’t mind.”

She grins, “Just set up wherever you want. I’ll see you in the morning.” She heads up the stairs and to bed, leaving you there where you drift to sleep.

You don’t dream often but when you do they’re generally pretty nasty. It came as a surprise when this one was different. You were in a room, the walls fuzzy and glazed over. A soothing feeling comes to mind as you sit in the corner. Your limbs are numb and weak so you must stare into the empty room. The room itself was small, but the light made it seem vast and inviting. It was warm as well, as if it wrapped itself around you in safety. All your woes seemed inconsequential as you sat in luxury. No Covenant, No P0nies, No War. Just peace. But that is but a dream.

You open your eyes, your HUD flickering back to life. There’s a knocking from the door, likely what woke you. The sun’s shining brightly from the windows. You must’ve overslept. Might as well answer the door while you’re up. You stand up and work your way to the door, light piercing through the gap as you open it. Below your towering figure lies the perpetrator, a tiny purple lizard thing holding a backpack. “Sup.”

The lizard goes wide-eyed at the sight of you and turns tail and runs, the little bastard screeching like a banshee. Was it something you said? Oh wait, you’re a giant. That’s right.

”Hold it right there ya abominanation!” a hick voice calls out. You shut the door, unfazed by her terrible grammar, the mare kicking the door open behind you. It’s that weird mare from yesterday, she’s got the same hat and everything. ”What’d ya do with Twilight you monster?!”

“Isn’t this considered breaking and entering?” you ask questionably.

”TWILIGHT!” she calls out, “You alright?!”

“She should be fine. You horse things can regenerate limbs right?”

A look of terror comes across her face, soon replaced by seething anger, “I’m coming Twilight!” You stand your ground as the p0ny charges at you, not bothering to defend yourself. She swivels her hips and bucks you in the chest, at least she would’ve if your shield wasn’t active. A dazzling display of sparks erupts from your shield as it repels her attack, the p0ny backing away in defeat.

”You- what are you?”

You check your shields, a sliver depleted. “Huh? You packed more of a punch, well, kick, than I thought you would.”

”Ugh… Applejack?” you hear Twilight grumble from the top of the stairs. The orange hick is relieved to see her, but keeps her eyes fixed on you, “I got him cornered Twi, let’s git him.”

You look to Twilight expectantly, not that she can see your expression. “A little help here?”

”It’s alright Applejack, he’s not going to hurt anyone.”

”Say what? He sent Spike screaming off into the sunset.”

“You mean that lizard? All I said was hello.”

”I don’t doubt that,” Twilight replies.

”Dontcha remember anything from last night? Remember what he did?”

Twilight steps down the stairs, “He was trying to protect us.”

”And just why would he do that?” she asks staring daggers at you.

“I’m just a good guy like that.”

”So you just go around saving people?”

“I’m not batman, but I do what I can.” All of her questioning is starting to annoy you. “Look Applejack, that’s your name right? If I wanted to harm any of you, why haven’t I done so yet? Why didn’t I defend myself when you attacked me?”

”You attacked him Applejack?”

She stammers at your combined questioning before bowing her head in shame, “I did.”

“I may have, just by chance, implied that I chopped off some of you limbs though.”

Twilight slowly turns her head and stares at you long and hard, “Really?”

“Too much?” Maybe you were a bit too- What’s the word? Sarcastic? They hardly know you so you can’t expect them to understand. “I think we got off on the wrong foot, my name’s Anon,” you extend your hand.

The orange mare gives your metallic hand a once over. ”I ain’t gonna get shocked again?”

“Only if you move too fast,” you reassure. She’s timid at first, her limbs shaky, but once her hoof is in your hand she loses her fear. She gives it a firm shake and you detect a hint of a smile on her face. “That wasn’t so bad now was it?”

”Ah guess not.” Twilight seems satisfied enough with your results. At least you got this problem off your back. Applejack clears her throat and retracts her hoof, “I uh, better get Spike.”

“Tell the little lizard not to worry. I’m not big on scales.” She forces a laugh and backs out the door. As she closes the door you sigh in relief. “Damn, I thought she’d never ease up.”

”She’s very protective of friends and family. Be glad it wasn’t Applebloom or Big Mac.” You raise a brow at their names. As if reading your mind she speaks up, “And yes, they all have names related to apples, except Granny Smith…”

“That’s the name of an apple.”

She throws her hooves in the air, “Well never mind.” You chuckle at the display and lean against the wall opposite of her.

“Are all your friends like that?’

”Applejack’s one of the tamer ones actually.”

“No shit? When do I get to meet the rest of the gang?”

”Whenever you feel like it really.”

“Like my old drill sergeant used to say, there’s no time like the present.” Well, that and to get my head out of my ass and man up, but you’ll leave that one out.

”Are you sure? Being- Well… Being you will be sure to attract some attention.”

“I’m no stranger to the murmurs of civilians. I’ll be fine.” Twilight tries to sway you away, but you won’t have any of it. If you’re going to be here for a while then you’ll need to meet the locals. And by the responses you’ve been getting on the comm., there won’t be a rescue squad coming for you anytime soon. So you face the unknown head on and follow Twilight out the front door.

All chatter ceases as soon as you exit her front door. Apparently they’re not used to seeing a giant robot man. Who knew? They’re not much different from a lot of the citizens you grew up with. They all do their thing and they all have a fear of the unknown. You shrug off their uncomfortable gazes and walk behind Twilight. If you saw your radar under other circumstances you’d piss yourself. It’s like your walking through a lake of enemies. Thankfully, this enemy is a bunch of tiny p0nies that couldn’t hurt you even at full size. “So who are we meeting first?”

”You’ll find out soon enough.” You follow her to another structure about the size of her home. It’s certainly unique, but at least its not another fucking tree. Reminds you of the carnival actually. You lean beside the door as she knocks.

The door opens slowly, “Why good morning Twilight. What do I owe this pleasure?”

”There’s someone I want everyone to meet. Do you promise not to freak out?”

“Come now Twilight, have you so little faith in me? I am a lady after all.”

You catch her eye roll, “Rarity I’d like you to meet Anon. Anon this is Rarity.” You make yourself seen, a pearly white unicorn staring wide-eyed at you. Oh boy this is too easy.

You turn to Twilight questionably. “Can I eat it?”

Rarity gasps, eye’s rolling back, and faints. ”Again Anon?”

“Hey, it’s kinda my thing.”

Twilight shakes her head, “Well help me carry her inside.”

“Certainly madam.” You heft her over your shoulder, taking extra care not to ruin her flowing orchid mane.

”Why couldn’t you talk like that to her? She would’ve loved that.”

“I’m not here for her to love let me remind you.”

”Yeah yeah, you’re going to leave the second you can, but can you at least try to be polite to my friends? Please?”

“Damn, you said the magic word. Now I have to do what you say.”

”Really?” she asks as you lay Rarity down on the couch.

“Not a chance in hell.”

Twilight huffs, trying not to grin, ”I should’ve known.”

“Alright fine, I’ll try and tone it down a bit. You have my word as a soldier.”

”So you’re a soldier?”

“I didn’t- Fuck. Alright, I’m a solider. Couldn’t tell by the armor?”

”That’s armor?”

You’re just telling her everything now aren’t you? “How about we change the subject? Does this place have running water?”

”Yes, but I don’t-“

“Could you get me a glass please?” Twilight ponders your intent but does as you ask anyways. As soon as she leaves you return to Rarity. “Wakey wakey, hands on snakey.”

No response. Welp, time for Plan B. You flick the tip of her horn, her eyes almost bulging in response. “Good, I like them lively.” She lets out the most ear-shattering scream you’ve ever had the unfortunate luck to hear. You muffle the noises in your helmet as Twilight comes rushing back in with a glass of water. Rarity grabs the glass and begins to chug it like it was the last one in the world. Twilight shoots you the death glare again and you can’t help but giggle. “Okay that was the last one.” For now…

”You’re going to have to have some restraint if you want to live around here.”

“’Want’ is a very questionable term.”

“You know what I mean.”

She does have a point though; you can’t have the local populace brandishing the pitch forks. “I’m sorry Rarity. It was unkind of me to act in that manner and I apologize fully.”

She stops her shivering with a nod from Twilight, “Well, it certainly seems you’ve made an impression on some of us.”

“I have an irresistible charm,” you reply heavy in sarcasm.

”I wanted to introduce him to some of our friends. At least he’d get to know some of us.”

”I’m honored you thought of me first.”

“It’s an honor to meet such a beauty,” you cringe saying.

The mare turns crimson, “Why thank you.” Just be nice. Be the kind gentlemen that your… Damn. You wanted to keep them out of mind for a while longer.

”It was nice seeing you Rarity, but we better keep moving. I want to have him meet the others by sunset.”

”But of course. Perhaps next time it’ll be under more favorable circumstances.”

Twilight glares at you, “Sorry about that. He’s not quite used to all this yet.”

“I’ve been here for a day. I wouldn’t expect much.”

Rarity shows you to the door, “If you ever need anything, don’t be afraid to ask. Anon, correct?”

“Correct you are Miss Rarity.”

She smiles, “Until next time Mr. Anon.” You wave goodbye and follow Twilight once more.

When you’re sure you’re out of sight you sigh in exhaustion. “Gag me.” She smacks you in the arm, your shields lighting up in response. “What did I do?”

”I’d appreciate it if you didn’t insult my friends while I’m around.”

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me that she doesn’t give off that pretentious vibe. She needed a good wakeup call.”

”I don’t care, she’s my friend, and I don’t like you being rude. Are you going to keep this up or do you want a fresh one?” You chuckle at her sarcasm and assure her that you’ll try to behave. The crowd parts as you pass through the more crowded sections of the town. You sense her trepidation and place your hand on her neck. Your silent courage does well to calm her.

“So who’re we meeting next?”

”A very good friend of mine and just about everyone here in Ponyville. She’s a little eccentric, so bear with her.”

“Please Twilight, there’s nothing I, can’t… handle?” You stare at the building before you, its auburn roof and pearly trim, the vibrant pinks and purples on the adjoining walls. And right on top sits the largest cupcake you think you’ve ever seen. “Twilight, get a doctor. I think I just contracted Diabetes.”

”So you were saying something?”

“I- What?”

”That’s what I thought,” she laughs and leads you to the door.

“How can anyone live in a place like that? I’d be on a permanent sugar rush.”

”Oh you haven’t met Pinkie yet. She’s more than a mare can handle.”

You take a deep breathe before she opens the door. “I’m ready.”

She opens the door and steps inside, the interior reminiscing an actual building. It’s certainly a store by the looks of it, sugary treats displayed under glass and a pair of p0nies behind the counter. You’ve got a tall lanky stallion on one side, his color that of a pumpkin and there’s a shorter plumper mare beside him and it looks like someone threw up go-gurt on her. “Hello,” you say with a wave, trying your best to sound sincere.

They glance towards each other, “Morning Mr. and Mrs. Cake. Is Pinkie in?”

”Yeah, um… Who’s your friend?” the mare asks shakily.

”Oh, this is Anon. He’s uh, new around here.”

”No doubt about that,” the stallion replies in a cool tone.

“Nice to meet you folks.” The kindness… it burns us…

”Is it alright if we head upstairs?”

”Sure, no problem Twilight. Just…” She darts her eyes at you hoping you wouldn’t notice, but you do.

“Alright Mrs. Cake. Thank you.” You follow Twilight up the stairs, your mouth barely holding out against the urge to snap at her. ”It’s only natural that she worries about you. She doesn’t exactly know you. Hay, I don’t even know you.”

“Sure whatever,” you groan. Why the hell should you care what she thinks? She’s a fucking pastel farm animal and you’re a god damn Spartan of the UNSC. You grind covenant skulls into dust and don’t afraid of anything. She should be in awe! Oh god, if Twilight could hear this… You’d be on a manhunt by an entire p0ny army. That’s not necessarily an appealing thought.

Until you find a way off, where this is, you’re going to have to fit in. And if that means stowing your dick between your legs and barking like a dog then that’s what you’re going to do. ”Hey Pinkie? Are you here?” No one responds. ”Strange. Usually she’d be bouncing around like a mad mare.” Or she could be taking a nap. God knows that’s what you could use. ”Hey Pinkie!”

“I don’t have time for this,” you say opening the door, “Hey is anyone-“ *splat* Your visor’s completely covered in some type of puffy- Is that shit frosting? How do you work the visor wipers on this thing? You clear the frosting from your eyes manually, first world problems right? But that’s when you see them, two giant sky blue eyes, inches from your visor. So this is Pinkie? How swell…