I've found the psychology and interaction in this chapter quite well handled and enjoyable, but as an asexual the immediate explanation for being sexually repressed as due to childhood trauma makes me, ok actually it makes me laugh so I guess carry on :P
Once he was out of sight, she found the same dragging sense of fatigue pulling her back into the seat.
<center>* * *</center>
Well, this is a thing in your story.
And where had Luna been during the last dream? It had to be been a dream.
"Have."
Most of all, she needed sleep, and it might never come.
<center>* * *</center>
Two of these in a row is not good, it means that there may be several. So, to make it easier, I will add the line before it as well.
Luna’s own foreleg looped around Twilight and hugged tight. “Shhh. I know. I know.”
Did you know that this is not just an onomatopoeia, but an actual word? Along with "psst" it is one of the only English words without a vowel. The point is that one of those h's is superfluous. Unless you were going for an elongated version of the word.
“Shhhh.” Luna’s magic picked Twilight up, lifting her over the four poster bed’s mattress.
More excess h's. Two this time. Unless, once again, you were going for an elongated version. Either way, you should try for continuity and remove at least one.
“Imagine Princess Celestia had told you she punished her sister for attempted deicide..."
That would make me believe that Celestia is pretty fracking full of herself to call herself a god. I would think Celestia was the one with delusions of grandeur and Luna was trying to bring her to her senses, but lost and paid dearly for it.
“Twilight, it’s okay. Shhh. Just breathe, all right?”
Another superfluous h.
Something was wrong and she needed to be anywhere else but she couldn’t do anything and she had to stay here or Luna was going to ask her what was wrong but Luna was going to do that anyway so she needed lies pretty lies that would cover up the ugly holes inside her shot through her nonsensical but definitely there scabby little holes that followed no rhyme or reason and had no purpose and --
Run-on sentence with a lack of any punctuation whatsoever. You may have been going for that, but a few commas or semicolons would not hurt.
Sorry. Part way through this comment my computer freaked out and backspaced the page and when I got back here, you had already fixed the Centered Star Misalignment. Therefore just ignore those two. Thanks a lot 5309587.
This chapter was interesting. Sexually repressed Twilight Sparkle is... If I go any further with that thought, I am going to need some special alone time. My mind is as repressed as Twilight's. Maybe more.
Every time I forget about this story it updates and I am overjoyed to see a new chapter. Thank you for continuously pleasantly surprising me.
There's really no point in nitpicking how many h's are in shhh, nor in pointing out grammar flaws in a stream-of-consciousness excerpt. This chapter is fine as is.
I didn't know that it was an actual word, but it was done that way on purpose. (Notice there's a three-h shh, then a four-h, then a three-h. It was intentional to convey Luna being gentle and caring as opposed to simply shushing, and being even gentler during the longest shh.)
The canon here is that Luna and Celestia are deities. (I tried to hint this by having Twilight use 'Celestia' the way we tend to use 'god'.)
My intention is to use it here as a jarring difference, and use run-on paragraph-style things as a signal of a panic attack.
As for sexual repression, um, heh. Well, you read the warning, so you know what you're in for.
Neko's actually provided some breakdowns on previous chapters, so it may not have seemed nitpicky. (And I learned something anyway, so I don't mind having things pointed out. I wondered about the run-on being a little too run-on myself, so I might edit it a touch later.) Feedback's always welcome.
I could see arguments at the time of writing it for putting a few commas in near the beginning, to help represent that there was a sort of snowball-becomes-avalanche overthinking. But I appreciate both opinions on it.
Eugh. Twilight's aggravatingly out of character at the moment. It's frustrating me. She shouldn't be this incipiently apologetic. She's anxious, sure, but she's... I mean here she's more like Fluttershy having a panic attack than Twilight being a stress-pot.
It makes it very hard to get into the chapter as a result.
5317820 Actually, I think this is very in character.
I'm not sure what the original commenter has experienced, but there was a period of time in which I had near-constant nightmares. That's why this story intrigued me so much. I know exactly what it feels like to have a nightmare, and wake up in the room the nightmare took place in. It's terrifying.
The body language – despite the fact that she's a pony – the rushed speech, and run-on sentences . . . These are all things I have experienced, despite generally being the type of person that many people would say is rather similar to Twilight herself. Sleep deprivation mixed in with nightmares so vivid you can't tell when you're awake do strange things to your mental stability.
Luckily for me, I had a few good friends that, more or less, fixed me, but I actually know what it's like to generally be a calm, logical, rational being, and turn into a complete basket case.
I tried lucid dreaming to fix it, but that didn't help in the slightest. The things that would normally tell someone they were dreaming had a 50-50 chance of just sending me spiraling into a recurring nightmare, and even when I did figure out I was dreaming, I would immediately accidentally start thinking about nightmares, and at times be unable to wake myself up from them. It's one thing to have a nightmare, and it's another to be aware you're dreaming, but be /stuck/ in the nightmare.
At any rate, I whole-heartedly approve of the ways you've been characterizing Twilight, from the point of view of one that has had difficult experiences with these sorts of things – even if I was lucky to not have it quite so bad as Twilight.
I had one of those myself -- a period of time with constant nightmares and very, very little sleep. (Surgery without anaesthetic was part of it, but I'll leave it at that.)
I found myself when I started this story wondering, "What would Twilight Sparkle's behavior be at her very worst, if she had a problem no friend could help with and she couldn't even truly describe with words due to the nature of the problem?" I couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer, so I went with my usual fallback move: Imagine myself, only more bookish and less experienced in the real world, as a pony, and extrapolate from there.
I think (and your comment supports the idea) that I have hit the mark as far as some of the feelings and sensations of severe insomnia and nightmares bordering into waking perception, but at the same time I do have a touch of the feel that I didn't hit Twilight's version of it as precisely as I'd like.
At the very least, I'm thinking I should have added more indications from others about her behavior being radically different, so as to establish that Twilight's 'not quite herself'.
Then again, maybe it's my general writing insecurity. Sometimes if someone voices a doubt I had myself, the echo makes it all the louder.
I don't think Twilight mentioned that all of her nightmares are very rapey. That... well, Luna probably thinks that already with her child molestation theory, but it should probably be said. Speaking of which, I imagine Luna is right about Twilight not believing her (I just hope Twilight doesn't say anything too painful).
I'm going to ignore the possibility of it being Celestia, Shining Armor, or Cadance, and hope that her parents or somepony at school is responsible. Hoping it was her parents is awful from any moral perspective, but from a "these are the characters we know" stance the parents are expendable, while still while still capable of invoking that feeling of deep betrayal. I think a teacher would be likely, though. It would certainly explain her utterly irrational terror of failing tests and not getting assignments finished on time.
I have a hard time seeing how Luna would have failed Twilight... unless it was by not immediately trying to move to this point rather than giving Twilight the time to come to her own decision. If Luna's right about the cause of Twilight's issues, how long will it be before she's ready to talk about it? I understand that talking to people close to you helps with that sort of trauma (and I frankly want to see the reactions of the Mane 6 and Celestia).
Anyways, here's hoping we'll one day see a chapter titled "Unburdened", "Unscarred", or "Unbroken".
Not all of them are, but most are -- and most of them are very distressing. Rape dreams are not uncommon, hence Luna's assumed (somewhat incorrectly) that Twilight's distressing dreams are always-or-almost-always rape dreams.
I'm not 100% on the direction things will go, but, well, you'll see. I'm glad you like it so far!
5774843 We've got Trixie, Rarity, Nightmare Moon, and Fluttershy + Bear on the rapist end. The one with Luna looked like it was headed that way, too.
The one with Rainbow Dash has a pretty high chance of being rapey (the only part Twilight mentioned was that she was being held down while Rainbow took her, but there are non-rapey ways that could have happened... but the fact that she listed it alongside Fluttershy and bear does seem rather telling, though). No idea about the Flash Sentry dream, but she put it up there next to Fluttershy & bear and she seemed pretty creeped out by it.
The only one that actually looks positive is the one where her friends showed up to... ah... "help" her. The waking isn't born of terror, but is just as sleep-depriving.
Love love love this. Have a thumbs up and a follow
5307145
Awww, thanks!
*needs more*
XD
This is really good
5307223
There's more in the works, but don't expect it fast! I am woefully slow with producing pages. Glad you like it!
This is certainly entertaining. Though if it's something as simple as walking in on her parents, I will be sad.
C'mon, EARN that Dark tag!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why can't there be another chapter!?
Sorry. I got really into this.
I've found the psychology and interaction in this chapter quite well handled and enjoyable, but as an asexual the immediate explanation for being sexually repressed as due to childhood trauma makes me, ok actually it makes me laugh so I guess carry on :P
5307844
Twilight's not asexual. (Not that there's anything wrong with aces, but I'm not, so Twilight in this isn't. )
Ahhh, <center> -> [ center]
Well, this is a thing in your story.
"Have."
Two of these in a row is not good, it means that there may be several. So, to make it easier, I will add the line before it as well.
Did you know that this is not just an onomatopoeia, but an actual word? Along with "psst" it is one of the only English words without a vowel. The point is that one of those h's is superfluous. Unless you were going for an elongated version of the word.
More excess h's. Two this time. Unless, once again, you were going for an elongated version. Either way, you should try for continuity and remove at least one.
That would make me believe that Celestia is pretty fracking full of herself to call herself a god. I would think Celestia was the one with delusions of grandeur and Luna was trying to bring her to her senses, but lost and paid dearly for it.
Another superfluous h.
Run-on sentence with a lack of any punctuation whatsoever. You may have been going for that, but a few commas or semicolons would not hurt.
Sorry. Part way through this comment my computer freaked out and backspaced the page and when I got back here, you had already fixed the Centered Star Misalignment. Therefore just ignore those two. Thanks a lot 5309587.
This chapter was interesting. Sexually repressed Twilight Sparkle is... If I go any further with that thought, I am going to need some special alone time. My mind is as repressed as Twilight's. Maybe more.
Every time I forget about this story it updates and I am overjoyed to see a new chapter. Thank you for continuously pleasantly surprising me.
KBO.
Hey, I just noticed this story is a year old. Happy anniversary!
5310156
There's really no point in nitpicking how many h's are in shhh, nor in pointing out grammar flaws in a stream-of-consciousness excerpt. This chapter is fine as is.
5310156
I didn't know that it was an actual word, but it was done that way on purpose. (Notice there's a three-h shh, then a four-h, then a three-h. It was intentional to convey Luna being gentle and caring as opposed to simply shushing, and being even gentler during the longest shh.)
The canon here is that Luna and Celestia are deities. (I tried to hint this by having Twilight use 'Celestia' the way we tend to use 'god'.)
My intention is to use it here as a jarring difference, and use run-on paragraph-style things as a signal of a panic attack.
As for sexual repression, um, heh. Well, you read the warning, so you know what you're in for.
5310510
Neko's actually provided some breakdowns on previous chapters, so it may not have seemed nitpicky. (And I learned something anyway, so I don't mind having things pointed out. I wondered about the run-on being a little too run-on myself, so I might edit it a touch later.) Feedback's always welcome.
5310986
Panicked stream-of-consciousness shouldn't be broken up like that.
5312132
I could see arguments at the time of writing it for putting a few commas in near the beginning, to help represent that there was a sort of snowball-becomes-avalanche overthinking. But I appreciate both opinions on it.
Eugh. Twilight's aggravatingly out of character at the moment. It's frustrating me. She shouldn't be this incipiently apologetic. She's anxious, sure, but she's... I mean here she's more like Fluttershy having a panic attack than Twilight being a stress-pot.
It makes it very hard to get into the chapter as a result.
5313617
That's a fair criticism. In the effort to portray her at the end of her rope, I may have strayed. :/
5317820 Actually, I think this is very in character.
I'm not sure what the original commenter has experienced, but there was a period of time in which I had near-constant nightmares. That's why this story intrigued me so much. I know exactly what it feels like to have a nightmare, and wake up in the room the nightmare took place in. It's terrifying.
The body language – despite the fact that she's a pony – the rushed speech, and run-on sentences . . . These are all things I have experienced, despite generally being the type of person that many people would say is rather similar to Twilight herself. Sleep deprivation mixed in with nightmares so vivid you can't tell when you're awake do strange things to your mental stability.
Luckily for me, I had a few good friends that, more or less, fixed me, but I actually know what it's like to generally be a calm, logical, rational being, and turn into a complete basket case.
I tried lucid dreaming to fix it, but that didn't help in the slightest. The things that would normally tell someone they were dreaming had a 50-50 chance of just sending me spiraling into a recurring nightmare, and even when I did figure out I was dreaming, I would immediately accidentally start thinking about nightmares, and at times be unable to wake myself up from them. It's one thing to have a nightmare, and it's another to be aware you're dreaming, but be /stuck/ in the nightmare.
At any rate, I whole-heartedly approve of the ways you've been characterizing Twilight, from the point of view of one that has had difficult experiences with these sorts of things – even if I was lucky to not have it quite so bad as Twilight.
5328844
I had one of those myself -- a period of time with constant nightmares and very, very little sleep. (Surgery without anaesthetic was part of it, but I'll leave it at that.)
I found myself when I started this story wondering, "What would Twilight Sparkle's behavior be at her very worst, if she had a problem no friend could help with and she couldn't even truly describe with words due to the nature of the problem?" I couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer, so I went with my usual fallback move: Imagine myself, only more bookish and less experienced in the real world, as a pony, and extrapolate from there.
I think (and your comment supports the idea) that I have hit the mark as far as some of the feelings and sensations of severe insomnia and nightmares bordering into waking perception, but at the same time I do have a touch of the feel that I didn't hit Twilight's version of it as precisely as I'd like.
At the very least, I'm thinking I should have added more indications from others about her behavior being radically different, so as to establish that Twilight's 'not quite herself'.
Then again, maybe it's my general writing insecurity. Sometimes if someone voices a doubt I had myself, the echo makes it all the louder.
I don't think Twilight mentioned that all of her nightmares are very rapey. That... well, Luna probably thinks that already with her child molestation theory, but it should probably be said. Speaking of which, I imagine Luna is right about Twilight not believing her (I just hope Twilight doesn't say anything too painful).
I'm going to ignore the possibility of it being Celestia, Shining Armor, or Cadance, and hope that her parents or somepony at school is responsible. Hoping it was her parents is awful from any moral perspective, but from a "these are the characters we know" stance the parents are expendable, while still while still capable of invoking that feeling of deep betrayal. I think a teacher would be likely, though. It would certainly explain her utterly irrational terror of failing tests and not getting assignments finished on time.
I have a hard time seeing how Luna would have failed Twilight... unless it was by not immediately trying to move to this point rather than giving Twilight the time to come to her own decision. If Luna's right about the cause of Twilight's issues, how long will it be before she's ready to talk about it? I understand that talking to people close to you helps with that sort of trauma (and I frankly want to see the reactions of the Mane 6 and Celestia).
Anyways, here's hoping we'll one day see a chapter titled "Unburdened", "Unscarred", or "Unbroken".
5773984
Not all of them are, but most are -- and most of them are very distressing. Rape dreams are not uncommon, hence Luna's assumed (somewhat incorrectly) that Twilight's distressing dreams are always-or-almost-always rape dreams.
I'm not 100% on the direction things will go, but, well, you'll see. I'm glad you like it so far!
5774843 We've got Trixie, Rarity, Nightmare Moon, and Fluttershy + Bear on the rapist end. The one with Luna looked like it was headed that way, too.
The one with Rainbow Dash has a pretty high chance of being rapey (the only part Twilight mentioned was that she was being held down while Rainbow took her, but there are non-rapey ways that could have happened... but the fact that she listed it alongside Fluttershy and bear does seem rather telling, though). No idea about the Flash Sentry dream, but she put it up there next to Fluttershy & bear and she seemed pretty creeped out by it.
The only one that actually looks positive is the one where her friends showed up to... ah... "help" her. The waking isn't born of terror, but is just as sleep-depriving.
That's a lot of bad dreams.
(Fluttershy & Bear )