A newcomer to the brony comminity!
The gang of 6 meets up with a pony with no past or name! Together they work to find the history of this mysterious pony, but what will happen when an old foe returns and stops them dead in their tracks?(Ps:only good if you read the whole thing)
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Since you're a first-time writer, I'll be nice with criticisms. For your first story, I'm impressed. I was genuinely interested in reading each chapter. In other words, I liked this story. I guess it's partially because each one was bite-sized. There is a lot of room for improvement but based on what I've seen, you'll get better in no time, just keep practicing!
A couple things you should know...
1. It's Discord. Not Dischord. There is no 'h'
2. Check your spacing and placement of quotation marks. Not the biggest deal, but I noticed that sometimes a sentence will have three quotation marks around it and the sentence before it will be missing one. It's because you added a space between the question mark and the quotation mark.
Still not a huge deal, just something to watch out for.
3. Capitalization. Names, first word of a sentence, etc...
Just keep these things in mind before submitting your stories.
That's really all there is to it. Hope to you you write more in the future.
Since this is your first story, here are a few of tips:
1. Welcome to the Herd!
2. First off I will ask if you have read the wonderful writing guide on this site, it will help at lot. Second, don't tell people this is your first story, it will lower their expectations and many will not read it.
3. You need to work on your grammar, particularly punctuation and capitals/spelling.
4.You are writing as if you are getting this printed on to a page, learn to write for the internet. The guide explains this.
5. Do you have, or have you considered getting, an editor/proof-reader? If not, I am willing to do so for you.
6. "Man?" What is a "man?" I think you mean "stallion."
7. Since you are writing, you may want to consider expanding your user page so people can get to know you a bit.
That's about all I can think of after the first bit. I will continue reading to help you, and that is the reason I decided to read this story in the first place. To help you because I enjoy helping people.
If you have any questions, comments, concerns, quires or qualms, feel free to PM me or reply to this.
Dartrunner
Not true, it is what your special talent is. It does not bind you to a destiny.
Should be:
"...said cloud, glad to finally have a name, even though it's temporary."
The parentheses don't help the story. They should not be used.
They break the reader from the story.
Typical, it's not very original now is it? Something that is over wrote.
No I am not trying to shoot you down, or sound mean. I am just curious if you can do something different with this.
Is English your first language?
Care to explain what the element would be, or what the gem on it looks like?
Zecora.
Also, the type of pony that Cloud is would be something you say at the start. We've gone most of the story for without knowing which type he was, and now you kind of throw it at us.
I know you are talking about Cloud, but the way this is written, it sound like you are either talking about Discord, or some random person. Use a name when possible.
Over all, I feel that this story is rushed, it went by to fast. You need to slow down how fast you tell the story. Write in detail describing location, peoples moods, their actions, thoughts, etc. It will full out your stories a bit more.
To Dartrunner: I'd like to ask, are you some kind of creator of the website? Some kind of staff? Just curious since you seem to have a lot to say. That's no problem though. I'm glad to take your advice and will read a little more of the writing guide. The next story I'm writing (which may or may not be about the Great Gold Heist) I'll keep your ideas in mind.
3331298 I don't want to sound obnoxious but I'm pretty sure I said that it was a necklace with the shape of a shield on the end, and later mentioned that it glowed red. Hopefully I can find some software or something that can allow me to create an image for you.
3331037 Thanks for your support! I have read your comment and changed and edited my story as necessary. The consideration you've shown me is exactly why I joined this community!
3332092 fixed em both!
3333498
No, and I have alot to say because you have quite a bit to learn. And I want to help.
3333598
Yes, you did say it later. But why not when he pulls it out of his bag?
BTW, I only commented on a big thing in the chapters. Not small stuff, though you have lots of small stuff.
3334623 1: Thank you for the help you've given, It's nice having a kind of mentor to help with my writing.
2: Poor writing really. For the first few chapters I rushed and just wanted something to put out, but I realized my mistakes and tried to fix things up for the last three chapters.
In case you were wondering I made two images showing what the cutie mark and the element would look like, the only problem is that I can't really find a way to get it on here. I use my Ipad when I go on this website and do other brony activities (I'm a closet brony) and I'm not sure how to do it on an ipad.
Well, I'll tell you if I find a way and probably send you my next story to proof read when I next write one. Bye for now!
3335117
Email them to your self, open it on ancomputer and upload them to imgur, share them. I dot need to have a picture, the written discription is fine.