Equestria's first warp drive

by CCC

Communication

Emergency checklist no. 51; What To Do In Case Of The Apparent Sudden Death Of Spike

- If Spike's body can be found, teleport to hospital. Bring checklist 51-a (Dragon Medical Care, Extended) and notes on dragon anatomy.
- If hospital is unreachable, refer to checklist 51-b (Dragon First Aid) immediately. Enlist Zecora if available.
- If Spike's body cannot be found, refer to checklist 51-c...

Twilight dropped checklist 51 and picked up checklist 51-c instead.

Emergency Checklist 51-c: What To Do If Spike Is Missing Presumed Dead

- Use Rarity's gem-finding spell, from Spike's last known location to try to locate as-yet undigested gems in Spike's stomach.

Twilight's horn glowed, briefly. Nothing.

In case of success, retrieve Spike's body and refer back to checklist 51.
- In case of failure, enlist Rarity's help in casting it again.

There was a pop as Twilight teleported away, followed by another one as Twilight reappeared with Rarity in tow. There wasn't time for detailed explanations... “Gem-finding spell! Now! Look for partially-digested gems! Spike!” would have to do.

In case of success, retrieve Spike's body and refer back to checklist 51.
- In case of failure, consider any nearby terrain features (rivers, slopes, etc.) that might have moved Spike's body. Follow these terrain features with the gem-finding spell.
- If in the Everfree Forest, consider the possibility of Spike's body being moved, or eaten, by a wild animal. Begin standard two-person search pattern with Rarity.

“I can't find any sign of him, darling. What happened?”

“Spike! Disintegrated! Checklist!”

“...disintegrated?”

“Right there! On the ladder!”

- If in a city or town other than Ponyville, consider the possibility of Spike's body being moved by other ponies. Have everyone except Dash interrogate passing ponies using Standard Five-Pony Search Pattern.

- If in Ponyville, consider the possibility of a helpful neighbour moving Spike's body back to the library. Return to library and use gem-finding spell.

Twilight's horn glowed again for a moment

If successful, refer back to checklist 51.
- Write a letter, detailing circumstances, to Princess Celestia. Have Rainbow Dash carry it. Request advice.
- Should Spike later be found to have survived, update checklist 51-c with new procedures.

* * *

“-s happening?” asked Spike.

He was, he noticed, suddenly elsewhere; a small, metallic room, containing a thin, ragged blanket on the floor, a bucket in one corner, all three Cutie Mark Crusaders, and a grown unicorn on some sort of floating cart. It would have looked like a prison cell, except there weren't any bars – there was just a gap in the wall where one might expect the bars to be.

On the other side of where the bars would have been had there been any, was a creature very much like the one who had given Spike that delicious ruby. With the exception of the alien, everyone looked somewhat surprised.

Behind the alien was a similar room, containing a pile of wood. Again, there were no bars.

“What's going on?” asked Spike. “Where are we?”

“Good day,” said the alien, reading from a script. “To answer the inevitable questions, you are our prisoners, you can't escape, no-one will come looking for you, we will be selling you to a slaving ring in Orion so it is to our benefit to ensure that you are healthy, therefore any information that you can give us regarding diet, allergies, medical care and so forth will be noted down and used at our discretion. My name is Frem, and -” Frem paused to manipulate some sort of rectangular object for a moment, and the cart under the unicorn stallion suddenly dissolved and vanished, dropping him unceremoniously onto the ground - “we'll take that hovercart back now. And...” A few more taps on the slab, and the stallion's hat and coat vanished as well.

The pile of wood behind the alien twitched, and began to move about.

Frem looked up at the group of prisoners, with a little smile. “Any further questions?”

“Yeah,” said Spike, marching forward, “what -”

As he reached the area where he'd expected the bars to be, he walked directly into a perfectly solid but entirely invisible forcefield. It crackled somewhat as he hit it, delivering enough of a shock to make his skeleton briefly visible and leave his scales smoking.

“Ghzhzzhz.” said Spike.

Frem frowned slightly. “It's only a pity,” he said, “that you don't wear much in the way of clothes. That could've had some novelty value, at least. Still, I'll leave you lot to get acquainted. Don't fight too much over the blanket, it's a loan, not a gift.”

The pile of wood behind Frem suddenly leapt up, reforming into a timberwolf. It crouched, bunched up its hindquarters, and leapt towards the alien...

...only to smash into a forcefield of its own, and collapse into a pile of wood again.

Frem jumped nervously at the sound, and looked around behind himself, at the pile of wood. “I'll, uh, I'll just leave you lot to get, um, acquainted, shall I?” he said, shuffling sideways, and not taking his eyes off the timberwolf's cage.

He wasn't quite running when he stepped out of Spike's sight. Not quite.

Spike stepped cautiously forward and tapped the forcefield with one claw. It crackled. Spike stepped back again.

“Right.” he said. He looked over his fellow prisoners. “Does anyone have any ideas?”

The stallion raised a hoof. “Hi, my name is Flam...”

“Ah remember you.” said Applebloom. “Ya tried ta steal away mah family's farm!”

Flam cleared his throat. “We, ah, would not have left you without employment.” he said. “We don't really know anything about managing a farm; if we'd won that bet, we would've simply hired your family back to run the farm and kept the profit from the cider. Anyhow, that's not important at the moment; we'll have to work together to get out of here.”

“Heeey, that's right.” said Spike. “I remember you now. There were two of you, weren't there? You and your brother...”

Flam nodded. “My brother Flim.” he said. “There was a fellow who looked very much like that Frem, name of Pog, bought some seeds from us...”

“That sounds like the fellah who gave us these maneclips!” said Applebloom.

“And he gave me a ruby to eat!” said Spike.

“...do you think that's got to do with how they got us?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Spike nodded. “Probably.” he said.

With expressions of disgust, the Crusaders ripped off their maneclips. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo threw theirs into the corner of the room, while Applebloom flung hers onto the floor and jumped up and down on it until only a few shreds of metal and plastic remained of the strange device.

Spike stared up at one corner of the cell for a few minutes. “This Pog,” he said to Flam, “he bought those seeds from both of you?”

“Yes?” said Flam, wondering where this was going.

“So... your brother Flim, he would have seen Pog as well? He'd be able to describe him?”

“Yes...” said Flam, cautiously.

Spike grinned. “I know exactly what to do.” he said. He picked up the thin, ragged blanket, and prepared his claws.

* * *

“...the morale of the citizens of Canterlot is of course of paramount importance...” Blueblood's voice droned on, explaining why it was that a recently-commisioned statue of himself needed to be placed in the main square. He was in the second hour of a speech which could probably have been compressed into no more than fifteen minutes, when the thin, ragged blanket arrived in a familiar curl of green fire. It dropped to the ground, in front of Celestia.

Prince Blueblood stopped, staring for a moment at the sudden item Princess Celestia picked it up with her magic, shaking it out and holding it up. “Please, continue.” she said. It's not as if I was really listening all that much anyway, and if he stops how then I'll no doubt have to go through the whole thing again later... hmmm. It's got slices in it, almost like writing...

Prince Blueblood cleared his throat. “As I was saying, Your Majesty -”

It was at this point that a rainbow appeared, swooping in through the balcony and landing on the floor of the great hall. Where it touched the floor, there stood, quite suddenly, Rainbow Dash, holding a scroll in her mouth. She spat it out.

From outside, came the distant rumble of a sonic rainboom, accompanied by the confused shouts of a group of pegasus guards who had not been able to react fast enough.

Celestia raised one hoof to silence Blueblood. “What's going on?” she asked.

“Spike's – dead, your highness.” said Rainbow Dash, with a bow. “Disintegrated.”

A group of pegasus guards rushed in the window, surrounding the rainbow-maned pegasus. Their body language clearly indicated that Dash wasn't about to get past them a second time.

“Just a moment,” said Celestia to the guards. “Dash, how long ago?”

“Auntie,” said Blueblood, “I must protest th-”

“Shut. Up.” said Celestia, firmly. The scroll that Dash had dropped floated up in front of her, and unrolled.

Blueblood stepped back slightly. “I -”

Celestia turned her head to face Blueblood, her anger enough to force him several steps further back. “When the Bearer of the Element of Loyalty approaches in such urgency, Blueblood, I owe it to her to hear her out. Dash, how long ago?”

“Ten minutes?” she guessed. “Maybe fifteen?”

“Then Spike's not dead.” said Celestia, holding up the blanket. “This arrived in his dragonfire less than a minute before you did.”

“Oh, well, glad that's over with then -” began Blueblood.

Celestia silenced him with another glare.

Dash hovered slightly in the air, and then flipped upside down, looking at the lines clawed into the cheap material. “Flim,” she read out. “Pog. What does that mean?”

Celestia turned the blanket over, and looked at the words herself. “I don't know.” she said.

“Flim...” Dash frowned. “There was a pony by that name that I met once. A cider salesman. There were two of them, Flim and Flam...”

“Captain.” Celestia addressed the nearest guardspony. “Take every spare guard, from every garrison. Cancel all leave. Use all necessary resources. Search Equestria. When I get back, I want Flim, Flam, and anypony called Pog, here, waiting for me.” Dash's scroll rolled up again. “Prepare a report for my sister. Include everything that happened here, and include this.” She tossed the scroll to the guard. “If I am not back within two hours, wake my sister, give her the report, and take her orders.” She took a deep breath, and used the Royal Canterlot Voice. “LADIES AND GENTLECOLTS! DAY COURT IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED! URGENT BUSINESS IS HEREBY DEFERRED TO PRINCESS LUNA; ALL OTHER BUSINESS IS DEFERRED UNTIL TOMORROW!”

“Back?” asked the guardscaptain. “Your highness, where will you be?”

“Ponyville.” said Celestia. With a snap, the blanket rolled up. “My faithful student needs me. Dash, come here.”

Dash stepped forward; and the two of them vanished in a flash of white light.

Comments

[CV12Hornet]

There are no words in the languages of men, gods, or devils for how utterly fucked these Ferengi are. Q might have a few words. Maybe.

[yrfoxtaur]

Dash hovered slightly in the air, and then flipped upside down, looking at the likes clawed into the cheap material. “Flim,” he read out. “Pog. What does that mean?”

I think Dash is a she...

[Levana]

3425259 Actually, there are words. Unfortunately, they require roughly a googol of repeatings of the word "very."

[Ellington]

Wouldn't Scootaloo scoff at the idea of maneclips?

[Sithking Zero]

3425259

There might be one in Cardassian. They're dicks like that.

[Kusac]

Now we get to see the reason why Celestia says "my little ponies" instead of the vernacular everypony.

[Bahamut Omega]

The Ferengi are fucking screwed.

[richfiles]

3735097 Awesome colorful blinky lights are awesome. Come on! You should know this!

[Six String]

5936538 They're also blinky. Not to mention Inky, Clyde, and Sue.

;-P~

[Six String]

5566923 *Evil grin*

[Shadow_8472]

8393700
You forgot Pinkie... Wait, Is Pinkie Pie originally from Pacman?

To the Ferengi: Basically, run. -11th Doctor