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Gee, another "Cupcakes" side-story as a first story......
SUCH ORIGINALITY!
I'm sorry, but Cupcake side story's have been done to death!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
251861 hmm. i suppose. i'll continue on. see what happens. i do have a story i've thought up. this is more of a practice run of sorts. looking past the fact that it's "another cupcakes spinoff" what do you think of the writing, instead of just looking at the story?
I'm sorry, but i stopped reading after the 3rd line. These stories are not compelling in the slightest.
It fails in the emotional department for me. Still thought it's... ok. Seeing pinkie being knocked out so fast was kind of a disappointment but hey - It was still pretty decent I thought.
251861 A lot of things have been done to death. Its inevitable so just get over it and move on.
251919 i could edit that part and make it longer? if you think that would improve the story? like i said constructive criticism and all that, so if you think it would improve the story, let me know ^_^, i need to work on emotions, i will write that down in my notes thing, thankyou sir :]
251877 Quite a few mistakes, but at least it's somewhat well written.
251948
Well I think it would make it more interesting but it is your story and that's just my opinion. If you wanted to make more chapters, I'd say just add an escape scene for Applejack to get away from Pinkie and start from there. You could probably make an adventure out of it if you wanted just with that. Just my idea but its your fic so do what you like to it. Actually, with what you have going on with Dash and Applejack you could make it sort of reflect on their memories more and make it more emotional (sad).
That was a pretty good Cupcakes side-story.
Finsh. Now.
252315 finish it now? is it that bad? O_o
...*sniff sniff* i think im goin to have bad dreams...
here is a tribute to rainbowdash---
may she be with us...always...
i can't believe this. i rewrote the whole thing. took me about three hours. and when i clicked save it said it had, then i clicked refresh, and it had signed me out, and deleted my work. WHY?
Interesting story, I'll definitely be keeping my eye out for this one. I actually like a lot of the Cupcake spinoffs, so don't pay much mind to those that write off the story just based on that fact.
You don't seem to like capitalization very much, but I can't stress enough how important punctuation and grammar is. Stuff like that separates the good stories from the amazing (Notice how punctuation/formatting is always practically perfect on the stories approved for EqD)
Your goal as a writer should be to immerse the reader in your story until they reach the end of the chapter; almost to the point that they do not even realize that they are reading a story. Mistakes in formatting and other trivial mechanisms such as punctuation can knock the reader out of that 'trance', disrupting the story.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this!
268424 i suck for grammar :p
thankyou very much though :] it means a lot, i promise you tomorrow when it's not 2am i will go over this and correct it ALL :D
thanks for being honest ^^ and i'm glad you like it
<3
memegenerator.net/instance/12787147
268424 actually i think i might just correct it now ^_^ or at least the first chapter :p
252002 the Pinkie fight scene is as long as i could make it without it seeming repetetive and/or dragging on a bit, ^_^ and the whole of chapter 1 has been re-written, + a new chapter :]
Ugh... Cupcakes spin-off... Well, I'll try my best to be unbiased on my judgment.
Refrain from calling her Aj or AJ as the narrator. He should be impersonal towards the characters (except in 1st person and 2nd person fanfics). Instead of inserting "(she hoped)", why not try "... or so she hoped."
Your entire fanfic is like the sentence above. It is not pristine, but it is fairly above what I would expect from a Cupcakes spin-off.
The text is somewhat flat in some places... you put detail into your scenes, but I still find it lacking. There are some scenes with a lot more detail and effort put into them than others (like AJ discovering Pinks torturing RD); but again- it is still lacking. Try to play around with some sentences, see if you can come up with something 'better'. Describe some important stuff that happens in greater detail. I also feel the character's name being overused. Call her by her name once and then refer to her as 'she' until there is another character in play (or you could try using some Lavender Unicorn Syndrome).
There are some typos here and there and also some 'miss' in the capitalization, you should consider revising your text a bit more before publishing. Or either grab a slav- I mean, an editor to do it for you. The formatting of the text is also somewhat of a pain to read. I don't like sentences being broken in the middle, just to go again in another line. Commas are missing from some sentences/dialogs, giving them a strange meaning if you're not paying close attention.
This part there I just wrote can be TL;DR'd in this: Review your work. Writing is 30% writing and 70% revising. Trust me, when you revise a story and begin to fix it, it gives you motivation to move forward.
- This entire section is useless and hinders the story's flow considerably. We are anxious to know what is happening to Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Derpy isn't the focus, we don't care what Lyra Heartstrings thinks about her... unless said issue becomes plot-relevant later in the story.
The ending paragraph for chapter 1 was kind of nice. There is something bothering me about it... it isn't its existence, but something feels off. I think that its because I find AJ's love for the dying RD a bit... forced. I can understand she saying "I love you" just to comfort her in her final moment, but I don't think she would develop love at that point.
"Well, she already loved RD in secrecy earlier." Then specify so earlier in the story. Make her day-dream about RD while she's waiting for Twi, or something...
I find that the "test" which RD and Guilda made AJ pass was kind of... I don't know... strange. It doesn't sound like something RD would do. But I liked her suicide note being 'intertwined' with those little lyrics/poem/texts. It brings a somewhat suspenseful tone to it. But, by GOD! THE FORMATTING. FIX IT!
Oh, yeah... I also think that AJ was overreacting a lot when she came up with her motives for suicide (on both times). Again, this is the lack of emotion in the fanfic. You could fix it if you are inclined.
Overall: I thought this was the first time I read a Cupcakes spin-off that turned into a romance-y story. I'm not sure how this turned out, exactly....
Wow, I think this is the biggest review I've ever made. My fingers need a rest.
I'll give you a 6 out of 10 for the writing; nice quality, but not quite there. And a 3.5 out of 10 for the plot. Being a Cupcakes spin-off is unoriginal in itself (granted, I wrote one too, but it is still unoriginal) And I don't know where else the story could go from here...
271204 wow O_o,
okay:
i will edit out and then refrain from the Aj's/AJ's, i don't really have a reason for that,
a lot of my descriptions have more than one character in them, so finding the right way to say "she" with my readers knowing who they are is a bit difficult, once again it's something i will work on,
admittedly i only proof read the first chapter twice before publishing, i did go over it and edit the grammar mistakes yesterday, (i think i got them all, probably not,)
the Derpy/Heartstrings scene was really so that the story didn't just stick to one thing, other things do happen other than Pinkie torturing Rainbow Dash, i tried to; instead of just writing something alone the lines of:
"thankya kindly all the same rarity" then skip all the way to the cake shop without incorporating another scene, i just didn't want it to seem un-natural from the regular Ponyville day, evidently that backfired
but oh well, at least i know not to do it again right? :P
RD does have a competitive sort of...aura to her, that much is evident from the episodes, i figured as a filly (/teenage pony, blah) she might possibly have been like that, however, i will work on it, try to give it some more depth, and possibly make more sense, i doubt that part could make any less
thankyou for writing your longest review yet
, i will take this and re-edit my story, thankyou for taking the time to read it/spend ages writing a comment reviewing it.
i realise now that cupcakes spin-offs aren't really very original. i thought cupcakes was quite a new thing (nopenopenope)
okay. Well with that said, gonna go fix my new draft story, thankyou once again
273528 Contract Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (the orange earth pony / the lavender unicorn / the cyan, winged pony / etc.)
I know the derpy/heartstrings was just to 'break from the mood'... but it also breaks the flow of the story. You can make them interact in your story, but keep it minimal since they aren't the main characters.
Yeah, I know what you mean about Cupcakes. It is nice to read the fic by itself... but when the spin-offs don't stop coming... oh boy.
I you need any more help, seek out the Writer's Training Grounds on Ponychan.
Mind.
Blown.
320761 is that good or bad? xD
320804 its good
320812 in that case thankyou x3
373709 lol :x did you like the story ;3
374794
must you ask
388136 i must indeed, :x, i think it's possibly a yes, usually stories i read that provide mixed emotions are good stories, but this is about cupcakes, which seems to bore a lot of people, so yes i must ask :l sorry
396194 im not quite like most people, and i did indeed like the story my friend
Oh god I cried so hard!
That was one of the saddest stories I've ever read! 
But besides that, it was a really good story! 
Definitely enjoyed it! 
You my friend, have a very good story on your hooves! 
BEST STORY I HAVE EVER BUCKING READ!!!
I especially loved the second quote in the second part of the story, it will be my death quote or something along those lines.