Taking Flight

Conspiracies arise about the legitimacies of the Wonderbolts actual talents and many ponies are beginning to think that they are fake. What is the truth behind these idols and how will it affect those who loo up to them?

Based on the song by PrinceWhateverer
Picture used with permission

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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AverageBrony

AverageBrony #1 · Aug 17th, 2013 · · ·

This pretty good so far. Can't wait for more

Fazed Audio

Fazed Audio #2 · Aug 17th, 2013 · · ·

*adds to read list*

Rocket0007

Rocket0007 #3 · Aug 17th, 2013 · · ·

I think it's missing some punctuation in a few places. Also, when one character is saying something and then immediately after the quotes someone else does something, it can get difficult to decide who's doing the talking (between two characters it's easy enough to see and not need "*character a* said", "*character b* said" but make sure the distinction is clear once a third character is involved)

Finally: you need to close quotes after Spitfire says that they should go home (very last paragraph) else she looks like she's narrating the last bit (even if we can tell what's what)

That all aside, I don't often see Wonderbolts slice of life type stories and am very curious to see where this goes.

You have my attention

Des92

Des92 #4 · Aug 17th, 2013 · · ·

That was pretty decent. But please, get a pre-reader, editor or just get someone to check your punctuation. That was the biggest problem.
Just this little bit:

"Soarin it's ok we all get that it's not like that little thought process is anything new."
"Well I'm sick and tired of ponies always bringing it up. We've already said no what more can they ask for.
"They just want to get to you and from the way you're acting its working."
"Come on boss doesn't it ruffle your feathers when somepony calls you a fake to your face and then doesn't even have the decency to stand by what he said when you get in his face."
"Yes Soarin but I don't try and get in their face I've learned to deal with it, as should you." Rapidfire nodded sagely,

Let me fix that for you:

"Soarin, it's ok, we all get that, it's not like that little thought process is anything new."
"Well, I'm sick and tired of ponies always bringing it up! We've already said no, what more can they ask for?!"
"They just want to get to you, and from the way you're acting - it's working."
"Come on boss, doesn't it ruffle your feathers when somepony calls you a fake to your face and then doesn't even have the decency to stand by what he said when you get in his face?"
"Yes, Soarin, but I don't try and get in their face. I've learned to deal with it, as should you." Rapidfire nodded sagely.

My version is not perfect and I am sure will be picked apart quickly, but it has SOME punctuation. Please, note the difference. And keep in mind that I just randomly selected a little bit of dialogue-entire story is like this, and editing is in order for it and future chapters.
Regarding tags-if this is one shot, then it definitely isn't dark/sad. More like slice-of-life.
Other than that story was good so far. Proceed.

Deathpony45