• Published 13th Sep 2013
  • 7,921 Views, 167 Comments

A Princess Does Not Fall in Love - The6thMaster



Princess Celestia can anticipate, and prepare, for almost anything. However, after overlooking an important detail, will she discover that not everything in life needs a plan?

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Exeunt stage left

Princess Celestia, the (mostly) absolute ruler of Equestria, liked to imagine that she was unusually talented in the art of manipulation. She disagreed with the idea that covertly manipulating a series of events to exactly how you wanted them was necessarily a bad thing. A parent was expected to guide their child in whatever way might be best for them and the same should be largely true for her methods. She had only the best interests of her subjects at heart and not to use her abilities to anticipate events seemed akin to neglect.

Things had gone remarkably neatly for this particular venture, the small gathering of ponies all around her were enjoying themselves without a care in the world. There was no need for manipulation to get them here; ponies tended to answer when she invited them for a private dinner at her palace. The hall they were in was modestly decorated and the food was, as usual, delicious. Celestia hadn't eaten a bite yet though, intending to only after everyone was departed. Guiding events could be a delicate operation at the best of times and having a mouth full of food never seemed to help.

That the Elements of Harmony, with a select few friends and family, were the invited guests was not a coincidence but was unlikely to arouse any suspicion either. By now Twilight and her friends were well within Celestia's social circle, as close as any pony ever got. Each element was dear to her in their own special way, even when they could be very loud and unpredictable.

"Mpff mmm! Thwis is weally Gwood!" A pony with a very full mouth said in her general direction.

"Pinkie Pie, please don't speak with your mouth full." Twilight chided, sounding exasperated.

While loud and energetic could be endearing at times, Pinkie's tendency towards the completely random was something Celestia had been forced to factor into her considerations. She'd decided that a simple bribe was in order; a wide selection of exotic cakes and pastries, laid out in the hopes of keeping the Element of Laughter too busy to disrupt the carefully arranged events about to take place.

A voice that could probably be shouted down by a mouse caught her attention. "Uhm, Princess Celestia? I was wondering how Philamena is doing."

The regal smile came easily, as did the practiced motion of raising her teacup and having a sip. "She is doing very well, Fluttershy. Would you like to see her after dinner? She stays in the aviary."

Fluttershy nodded, clearly relieved that she didn't have to ask. "Oh yes. That would be wonderful. I just hope she remembers me."

Celestia felt a twinge of internal disappointment that Fluttershy was, in fact, not going to see Philamena tonight. There was a very good reason that she had assembled them all here and it unfortunately did not involve her phoenix. She'd have to find a way to make it up to Fluttershy at a later date. Perhaps she could quietly guide an entire flock of phoenix near Ponyville...though that could possible lead to its burning down on accident. She'd have to weigh the pros and cons.

The clock read ten till nine which meant that the messenger was five minutes late. Celestia wondered idly what might have been the cause of the delay. There was no reason to worry just yet, she'd made sure there was at least a forty five minute window before she needed to switch to her back up plan. Using the back up plan would have been disappointing but still would have primarily involved the Elements of Harmony. The final plan, if all else failed, required her involvement; and perhaps Luna for good measure. Celestia seriously doubted it would come to that but this was not a matter that could be left alone.

A minute later the door burst open and a pegasus guard, out of breath, bolted up to her. "Princess. Urgent news from the north." He managed between pants, bowing quickly and thrusting out a rolled up piece of parchment.

You've certainly grown up, Speed Line. I remember when you'd lead the guard on chases around the palace just for fun and exercise. You were so cute as a foal, especially the first day you were caught and brought before me. Celestia couldn't help but recall particular memories of each of her little ponies she had a special bond with, even when she was pretending to be grim and serious.

The message itself didn't have anything she wasn't already aware of. Though she had to admit a moment of surprise at the news that Loki had apparently sided with the giants, and taken charge, against her daughter and the rest. It was either her or Surtr I suppose. He always was rather grim anyway. Glancing up to look over the Elements, she factored in the new information and was still confident that they would be successful. It was time to give the news.

"Is something the matter, Princess?" Twilight looked concerned, as did the rest of them, but perhaps more so at the reference to the 'north'. No doubt she'd jumped to the conclusion that the urgent news involved her brother and sister-in-law.

Slowly, for the dramatic effect it brought, Celestia rolled up the scroll and nodded. "Yes, Twilight. Ragnarök is here." She looked at her student for a moment, curious if she knew anything about it and saw as blank a look as the rest.

"Rang-nah-rak? Beggin yer pardon Princess, but what's that?" Applejack scratched at her head in obvious confusion.

"It is the end of the world, Applejack," Celestia began to explain, pausing for the startled gasps. "If you recall from the Hearts Warming Eve celebration, the pony tribes only narrowly avoided being frozen by discovering the importance of harmony together. There was, however, another group of very powerful beings known as the Æsir and the Jötunn who lived far in the north long ago. While many of them resemble ponies they are more similar to myself and Princess Luna."

This was the absolute shortest way Celestia knew to explain an enormous amount of history but it had managed to catch the entire rooms attention at least. After a moment of pause, to allow the information and unfamiliar words to sink in, she continued. "These two groups came to hate one another and, on the eve of a battle that would have destroyed the world, were frozen completely by the Wendigos. Now, after all this time, they have unfrozen and are still intent on fighting."

"Talk about stubborn." Rarity said aloud, apparently unimpressed with both the Æsir and Jötunn.

Twilight swallowed, clearly nervous, no doubt she knew that this would be an incredibly important mission. "What can we do, Princess?"

"You must go north to Asgard, where both groups live, and stop them from fighting. Take the Elements with you but I have a feeling that you may be able to solve this problem with your words and your knowledge of the magic of friendship. The leader of the Jötunn is a shape shifter named Loki and Slepinir is a large mare with eight legs, leader of the Æsir. Be careful when dealing with either of them."

"No sweat, Princess, we'll show these ponies with weird names and too many legs whose boss." Rainbow Dash hopped up onto the table and looked the picture of confidence. Celestia had a feeling that, out of all of the Elements, the Asgardians were going to get along best with her.

"We'll do our best, Princess!" Twilight said with completely confidence and enthusiasm, standing up along with the rest of the Elements.

After that she quickly gave the directions and final warnings before they went rushing out of the dining hall towards the train station. The room was now far more empty than it had been, but not completely.

"What are we suppose to do now?" The owner of that voice was a young, orange, pegasus filly who hadn't yet earned her cutiemark. Scootaloo was frowning, sitting over at a separate table and looking at two others.

"Maybe there's stuff in the palace we could get our cutiemarks for. Twilight said she learned a lot of magic here, maybe that could be our special talent!" Sweetie Belle's voice had a tendency to crack at increasingly adorable moments when she was excited and did so on 'that'.

"Uhm, Sweetie Belle? Scootaloo and ah ain't able to do unicorn magic." Applebloom shot the suggestion down quickly.

Sweetie Belle's face fell. "Oh, right."

"Ahem." Celestia spoke up at last, catching the attention of the Cutiemark Crusaders. "If you were interested in finding your special talents I know that Princess Luna would be very interested in helping you find them. Of course, she is sleeping in her chambers on the other end of the palace. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you paid her a visit. It wouldn't be a problem to allow the three of you to stay until Twilight and the others get back. I will also take the liberty of writing letters to your guardians asking permission."

The three took to the idea quickly, but it was Scootaloo who spoke first. "Yeah! We should ask Princess Luna! She's really cool, guys, one time she even helped me with bad dreams."

"I bet she has lots of ideas on cutiemarks. She's like a million years old!" Sweetie Belle had hopped from her seat, already keyed up to the idea.

"Lets go girls!" Applebloom pointed towards the door.

"Cutiemark Crusader Princess wakers! Yay!" they all shouted, in incredibly high volume, in unison.

Her two plans complete; Celestia was left in the hall with only her servants and no further issues demanding her attention. Smiling, she shut her eyes and levitated her tea for another sip. She had no fear for Twilight and her friends, they were more than equipped by now to settle the dispute and were unlikely to be in much danger. Less dangerous, but far more amusing, was her plan for Luna. Her sister had been emerging from her shell just a little too slowly for her tastes. The incredibly energetic and endearing (if occasionally exhausting to deal with) CMC would be a much needed form of encouragement.

Celestia had her own plans for the evening. A romance story she hadn't read in over three hundred years was waiting in her private study. She'd forgotten almost all of the important plot points by now; it would be like reading it for the first time again. Yes, a quiet evening enjoying a book and the satisfaction of well executed plans for the benefit of all involved sounded like a marvelous thing to her. Though she had to eat dinner fir-.

"Sir, would you like a refill of your drink?"

"Eeeyup."

Her eyes shot open in complete surprise to hear a deep, vaguely familiar, male voice. What Celestia saw was one of her butlers filling the glass of a crimson red earth pony colt, no, a stallion. Compared to most ponies he was very large, with a straw yellow mane and a cutiemark of a green apple missing a piece. He was sitting by himself at the table where the Cutiemark Crusaders had been, still eating without so much as looking her way.


It only took a second after her initial shock for her memory to provide pertinent information. 'Big' Macintosh, Applejack's older brother....

And?

And nothing else, apparently. Celestia was drawing a complete blank in what she knew concerning this particular pony. She'd known he was there, had seen his name on the list of guests even, but had somehow completely overlooked his existence up until now. That was an embarrassment to her on a personal level, she'd went and invited ten ponies and conspired to find things for nine of them to do. Now there was just one left, alone, in a unfamiliar place and with nothing to occupy his time.

Except Big Macintosh didn't seem to particularly to mind that he'd been essentially deserted. That alone was throwing Celestia for a loop, leaving her feeling awkward and unsure about what to do. Awkward and unsure of what to do were two things that Princess Celestia had very little experience in feeling. He hadn't asked 'what about me?' or so much as tried to get her attention, either. Not only had he not done any of that, but he was just sitting there, eating. She couldn't pick up anything about him through quiet observation.

Celestia didn't know every single one of her subjects -there were far to many for that- but ponies had a habit of communicating a great deal about themselves through their everyday actions and body language. Even timid ponies like Fluttershy could quickly open up about themselves, telling you everything you needed to know about who they were and what they cared about. Celestia had overtime learned to quickly take in information about ponies she met or knew about. From first introductions to gossip, there were a lot of ways to learn about others. Celestia had read countless letters from Twilight and her friends, many of which would mention Big Mac, but in that whole time she couldn't recall anything about him that would indicate his personality.

Wait. She did know more about him than she'd initially thought. He was quiet, very quiet, and a hard worker. He divided up the responsibility of running Sweet Apple Acres with his sister. But none of that told Celestia anything about him that she could use for this situation. She simply didn't have a plan at the moment, had nothing prepared. Striking up a conversation about apples -about the only topic she was sure Big Mac might want to even speak about- would be out of place and moreover only last a little bit, not for the long term.

Celestia couldn't just leave the room, either. Big Mac was a guest of hers and she had something of a responsibility to see that he was entertained. Nothing was coming to her, though, and she continued to sit, thinking. She'd even been looking at him while she considered her next course of action, enough to catch his attention and have him return her look. Realizing that she'd been caught staring, Celestia blushed, something she probably hadn't done in decades.

Big Mac didn't comment, looking at her curiously and apparently not inclined to say anything at all while they traded stares from across the room. He did take his cup and drank from it, though still looking her way while waiting. This was a staring contest that Celestia could not possibly win, since she'd started it.

You're being silly. Just talk to him already, find out what he might want or need.

"Ahem, Macintosh. Are you...enjoying your dinner?" That sounded lame to her and she winced internally. Since when did she make small talk with other ponies? She'd managed to cultivate an image of a near deity like persona; every word steeped in wisdom. Goddess' did not usually spend time talking about the weather...not that she actually was a goddess, she chided herself. She really was still being silly, her carefully managed train of thought was a mess at the moment while thinking quickly on her hooves.

Macintosh Apple didn't jump at her voice, nor did he even respond right away with words. He glanced off to the side, seemed to be clearly thinking about her question and then simply shrugged. "It's been alright, Princess. Shame about the bad news though, good thing Applejack an' her friends were here to get the news as soon as you got it."

Had he seen right through her plan that easily? No, he'd said that with a straight face and without a hint that he found anything suspicious. "I have every confidence that your sister and her friends will be safe," she said automatically.

Big Mac nodded at that. "You probably wouldn't have sent them off alone iff'n it wasn't safe, right?"

"Of...course." Celestia said slowly, chewing on her lower lip in thought. So far she hadn't learned anything about the stallion that would help figure out what he might want to do for the week or so until the Elements returned.

Another silence hung itself quickly in the dining hall, Big Macintosh didn't seem inclined to add anything more to the limited conversation and quickly went back to his food. Celestia couldn't help but feel vaguely annoyed that the stallion wasn't cooperating with her. The least he could do is volunteer something, anything, that would set him on his way.

"Are you planning on staying, by the way? You are more than welcome to do so." she asked, trying again for conversation. It wasn't quite as lame as the first attempt, at least.

Much like before, Mac didn't answer immediately, instead he set his drink down and turned to look at her for a moment. "Well Applebloom'll want to stay with her friends, so ah might as well. 'ppreciate the hospitality, Princess."

"You're very welcome." Celestia put on a strained smile, finally deciding to just drive at the 'problem' she was having. "If you become bored you are free to explore the Palace at your leisure. I can find a pony to help escort you around so you don't get lo-"

Big Macintosh cut her off with a small wave of his and a shake of his head. "Ain't no need to go that far, Princess. I'll find somethin' to occupy my time. Ah know you can be right busy, no need to worry on my account."

Oh. Well that certainly solved the issue neatly for her. Celestia certainly couldn't be faulted as a poor host now, not when Big Mac had went and said he would be fine on his own. Still it gnawed at her that she'd come to no real conclusions about Big Mac. She wasn't above dismissing boring ponies, rude ones or even stupid ones as not generally worth taking much time to think about. So far Big Mac hadn't been any of those things and therefore should be worthy of some attention. But attention didn't seem to even be something he wanted, not even from her. That a pony could act so nonchalant in her presence was something Celestia could not easily ignore.

An idea came to her, a possible consolation prize at failing to figure him out. "Big Macintosh, if you're not already done with your food you're welcome to join me at my table." There, now Celestia could assure herself that she'd done everything possible. Things could proceed as she'd wanted them to and she would remember to double check her guest lists in the future.

Some of his body language was becoming more familiar to her, at least, his relaxed shrug seemed to be his way of showing agreement. He lifted his plate with his mouth and made his way over. The table was long and narrow, with a set of three seats on both her right and left. There was a moment of confusion for Celestia when, instead of circling around, Big Mac deposited his plate a little in front of her own. Apparently Big Mac was inclined to sit directly across from her, for he went back for another chair and dragged it over.

This is a little more...intimate than I had thought it would be. Celestia couldn't help but think to herself. A large dining room, just the right size for a party of eleven or so, now seemed empty just holding two ponies; even ones as big as her and Big Macintosh. There was a touch of presumption in Macintosh putting his seat right in front of hers -that he thought them both equal-, but there was no apparent ulterior motive here as far as she could tell. He might very well have just thought they were socially equal, certainly a novel idea to Celestia.

There was silence between them, now for a third time. Big Macintosh hadn't begun eating, either. Instead, he'd looked at her untouched plate of food and then up to her face. There was a wholly unfamiliar sensation, similar to tension, in her chest as he looked directly at her. Celestia was not use to being analyzed silently and she couldn't begin to guess as to what he was thinking. She refused, however, to ask him or otherwise break the silence again. The large earth pony couldn't know how much he'd tied his Princess in knots over how to deal with him, but Celestia was no longer interested in 'playing ball'. If only for the sake of her own internal system, that had worked quite nicely these many centuries, she would simply regard Big Macintosh as an unreadable anomaly.

Of course he surprised her by being the one to speak up. "Princess, are you gonna eat? You don't have to wait on my account."

"Oh yes...you're right, I'd forgotten." She really had completely forgotten about her food, or how hungry she'd gotten. Once she tried to bend her mind to what to do she tended to be lost in thought, focused utterly on the task at hand. Big Mac simply nodded and started to finish off his meal while Celestia mechanically followed suit with hers.

Celestia felt caught, exposed even, all by a quiet farm pony. Most of all, however, she felt utterly sheepish. Big Macintosh wasn't an enemy, and there was no need to think of a simple dinner like a complex game of chess. It showed just how much she'd fallen into a routine of plans and subtle maneuvering that a comparatively minor surprise, and awkward social situation, could disrupt her so badly. A huge fire breathing dragon could have burst into the room and she would have handled it better than she'd done over the last few minutes. At least with fire breathing dragons she knew how to respond.

Princess Celestia, the (mostly) absolute ruler of Equestria, liked to imagine that she was unusually talented in the art of manipulation. However she was now faced with her possible match. For all that she knew about ponies and how they acted it appeared that, at least for ponies named Big Macintosh, she didn't know the first thing about talking to them.

They ate together quietly for a little while before Macintosh excused himself politely. Try as Celestia might, however, she could not so readily forget the unusual end she'd just had to her day. She consoled herself that at least now it was over. Her plan of teasing Luna a few hours from now, once the Cutemark Crusaders had had a chance to make their proper introductions, seemed a small thing to her now. This had been a distraction. There were more important things she should have been thinking of. Surely she was doing a disservice to Twilight and her friends, all of Equestria perhaps, if she was worrying about whether she could talk casually to another pony or not.

Author's Note:

Marvel and be amazed as I try and turn the crack into the plausible!

This cutesy idea occurred to me late one evening as a challenge to the notion that Princess Celestia, by virtue of being older than dirt, was necessarily Don Juan when dealing with ponies. There's a lot of pressure when you're an immortal god-ruler of an entire country/continent/world and I can't think Celestia would get a lot of time for a social life.

The mane 6 going off on what sounds like a totally awesome season open/closing adventure is sadly not the focus of the story. 'Exeunt stage left' are stage directions you might see in a play. The curtains close and then open, the scene changes completely regardless of who was left behind. Celestia would likely imagine herself as one of the characters who merely set the plot going, then fade out entirely while others complete the drama. Basically how she's been in the show actually. Except for Big Mac being there things would have gone exactly as planned.

Be sure to tell me what you think!