• Published 14th Jul 2013
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The Education of Clover the Clever - Daedalus Aegle



Some people think lectures and classes are for educating. Star Swirl the Bearded has no patience for those people.

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Chapter 4: The First Lessons

She heard the voice inside her head, trying to lead her into temptation and corruption: a deep and ancient voice filled with hunger and greed.

Serve me, it said, and I shall give you everything your heart desires. You will see your enemies brought low and beg for your mercy with tears in their eyes. All the wealth in the world will be yours. You shall live in a golden palace filled with treasures. If you desire a stallion, you need but point at him and he shall be delivered to you for your pleasure, groomed and perfumed. If he has a family they will be thrown in the dungeons for insulting your wishes. You will command armies who will fly your banner across distant lands, and all the world will bow before you, if you but serve me.

She thought about it. “Well... That all sounds really neat and all, but I don't actually want any of that stuff.”

The voice was silent for a moment. Then it spoke again, saying, Well, what do you want?

She shrugged. “I dunno. I'm doing pretty okay, really. I don't want anything in particular.”

There must be something. Come on, what do you like? What's your favorite thing?

“I guess I really like puppies?”

You shall be the queen of puppies!

“Well... I don't know...”

You shall live in a puppy-palace, with puppy statues and command puppy armies to conquer the world for puppydom! All non-puppies will beg for reprieve from your wrath! And you will say 'no', and laugh as your puppy-vengeance overtakes them!

“Look, just forget the puppies, alright?!”

No puppies?

“I don't want an army of puppies! Or any army! I don't want any of that stuff!"

Look, you're not exactly making this easy for me either.

She sighed, and heard the voice sigh as well. “Well, this whole thing is really pretty inconvenient for me. I have deadlines and things.”

I'm sorry, it's just... I don't have much choice here, you know, the voice said apologetically. You think it's easy being a diabolical disembodied force? Because I promise you it's not. I get frustrated sometimes. But the thing is, I really need to find somepony to act as my agent to overthrow the Unicorn King and the Council of Horns and usher in a new age. What's it going to take to make you that agent?

She rolled her eyes. “Well, I don't know! You can't just ask ponies what price they put on their soul. If I were interested in selling it I'd have gone down to the Discordians already.”

I think we're getting off on the wrong track here.

“Yeah.”

Look... Why don't we just sit down, have some tea, maybe a glass of wine, and just talk, alright? Have ourselves a heart to heart, get to know each other, and see if we can come up with something that would work for both of us. I would really appreciate it if we could do that, alright?

“Well, no more talk about armies or killing, okay?”

Promise.

– – –

Clover grumbled and muttered angrily to herself, as she roamed the elaborately laid-out platform-library-laboratories of Star Swirl the Bearded's home and workplace, Canterlot House 1. Her movements were disordered, sluggish from exhaustion, her eyes half-lidded, as she mentally went over the events of her first week as Star Swirl's student.

There had been that first weekend...

Clover had closed the cover on the final book, and promptly fell over backwards. Once the giggling of fairy foals had faded from her hearing, she'd clambered back onto her hooves, and turned a triumphant glare on the stack. She had won. The books had been read.

Admittedly, she didn't actually understand or remember most of what she had read in them. When she began, she quickly found that the first book at hoof was completely and utterly unreadable. But she had refused to be beaten, and had pushed through to the end. She would show the Professor that she was up to any test he could throw at her. Just as soon as the room stopped laughing at her and she was able to form normal sentences again.

She gingerly took a few steps forward and ensured that yes, the floor was still solid and wasn't going to bounce back and throw her into the air like a ping-pong ball. She wandered from her desk in a corner of the massive research lab-library, and climbed the stairs to the alchemy lab section, making for the high ground to try to catch sight of the great wizard. She smiled as she felt her balance returning with each step, confident that she had met his challenge.

She eventually found him out on the balcony beyond the astronomy section, peering through a massive telescope that, she felt quite certain, had not been visible when she had seen the balcony from outside the building.

“Professor, I have finished reading the books you gave me!” Clover said. “I understood all of it, and feel that I am ready to proceed to the next level of my studies!”

“At long last!” Star Swirl the Bearded gasped. “I have found someone worthy of carrying on my work. Truly, noble Clover, until now I have deceived you, for everything up to this point was but a test to see if you truly are The One! Those books were only an elaborate riddle designed to block the unworthy, but you passed through it easily! Now I can finally abandon all pretense. Come, great Clover, let us go travel the world hunting long-lost secrets and treasures!”

“Yes!” Clover cried. “Let us!”

“Also, I would like you to meet Raul Magnifico, my grandson.” Here emerged from behind the old wizard a gorgeous unicorn stallion, with a long golden mane that flew in the breeze, with deep, haunting brown eyes and a rose held between his teeth. “He is a Saddle Arabian prince who in his youth sailed the Great Seas as a pirate before discovering his true heritage. He likes poetry, dancing, and long walks on the beach.”

“Enchanted, Belladonna!” Raul bowed with a flourish and kissed Clover's hoof. Then, her cheeks burning, he swept her up in his arms, and they stared into each other's eyes, her hooves resting on his tan, muscular chest. “Truly, I have known many mares in my life, as I scoured all the lands hunting for the griffon duke who slew my father before my eyes when I was but a foal, but never have I seen so beautiful a creature as you!”

Clover tried to answer, but instead only made a noise that was part moan, part gurgle, and part fillyish giggling.

“Hmm?”

Clover's burning blush remained when every other part of the fantasy popped like a soap bubble, and her first attempt at speaking was cut short when she realized her mouth was watering. She wiped her muzzle, thanking Celestia that Star Swirl had not bothered to look up from the telescope, and tried again. “Professor, I have finished reading the books you gave me!”

“Oh,” he said.

A few seconds passed before Clover cleared her throat. “Yes, I... I understood... I feel ready to proceed to the next level.”

Star Swirl nodded, still not looking up from the telescope. “Good, good. There is a list of advanced works on the blackboard in the pharmaturgical laboratory, you can get started on those and I'll write up a work schedule once I'm finished here.”

Then there had been that alchemy class...

– – –

Alchemy is the noble art of transmuting base materials into gold, Clover thought to herself as she looked over the many instruments, both magical and mechanical, of the alchemy lab. It is a pursuit which has dominated the lives of many of the greatest sages of history, and commands great respect. It is partly a physical art, but much more importantly it is a mental art, meant to transform ourselves into nobler, better beings. The transmutation of lead into gold is a metaphor for how the pursuit of knowledge turns ignorant foals into enlightened, honorable, and moral ponies.

So why am I making Star Swirl booze?

“That should be everything,” the old unicorn said. “You have the equipment and ingredients here, and everything you need to know in order to use them was in one of the books I gave you to read, Swirl, Star & Swirl, Star (ed.)'s Booze & Explosives: An Introduction to the Alchemical Science, Canterlot House Publications, year 22.”

Clover nodded. That's unfair of me, really. This is a perfectly sound way of learning the basics of using alchemical apparatus without the risks of volatile magic components, and it gives me a reward at the end. It's actually the sort of thing you'd use to teach a foal. She thought back to her own foalhood. Well, if you're a lower-class unicorn that is, or possibly an earth pony. Somepony who doesn't think that enjoyment and practical utility ruins the character-building component of an education.

She shuddered. Deep breaths, Clover. Tall Ladder hasn't been your teacher for over ten years, no matter what the nightmares say. You are being taught alchemy by Star Swirl the Bearded, in the flesh. Remember how utterly amazing that is. Even if this is a bit... different from what we've done in the past, I'm sure Star Swirl knows what he's doing. Even if this seems a bit crude, I'm only a novice, after all. I'm sure we'll move on to the more sophisticated theory later.

“The alembic is off-kilter. Hit it,” Star Swirl the Bearded said. Clover turned to the alembic and swatted it with her hoof. “Harder! Your tools must learn to fear you!”

The old unicorn stood by, intently watching as Clover prepared the equipment and the ingredients for fermentation and distillation. Normally the fermentation would take days, but with magical support it was the work of minutes. Clover worked calmly and thoroughly, going through the procedure step by step, occasionally pausing to double- and triple-check her list, while Star Swirl looked on tight-lipped. This will be fine, Clover thought. I know how to operate the instruments, I understand the physical changes the materials are undergoing. The alchemical principles are sound, and I'm sure I know them well.

Finally, after hours of minding the alembic, Clover had filled a bottle and corked it, and presented it to Star Swirl for his verdict.

“Here it is, Professor,” Clover said. “One bottle of applejack.”

Star Swirl magically poured out a tiny portion each into two small glasses, and levitated one over to her. “Care for a sip?” he asked, and raised his glass up to the light. “Hmm.” He put on some manner of crystal looking-glass on his right eye and peered into it. “Nice color.” He shook it gently, then brought it up to his muzzle and sniffed it. “Six out of ten,” he muttered, and then finally sipped it, and let it sit on his tongue for a few seconds before swallowing.

“So... What's the verdict?” Clover asked anxiously.

Star Swirl considered for a second, then said, “The yeast doesn't respect you, and the apples view you with derision and scorn. There are a thousand things you could have done to improve the flavor of this, which you completely ignored.” He sighed. “I'm afraid I don't think you have a great future as a brewer. On the upside, you could probably make a living transmuting gold. That's okay too.”

Clover blinked. “Oh,” she said.

“It's all right,” Star Swirl the Bearded said kindly. “Not everypony is cut out for the rigors of liquormancy.”

Then there were the regular events of supper...

– – –

Star Swirl glared at his porridge as though it had offended him personally. Which it was quite possible that it had done.

Star Swirl's eating habits were a source of grim fascination for Clover. He ate the exact same thing every day, at exactly the same times, and did so with the air of fulfilling a tedious chore he would rather avoid. Neither fast nor slow, but like clockwork, one mouthful at a time until there was no more.

He also cooked identical servings for Clover, as part of the research assistant contract. She didn't think this was intended as punishment for anything she had done or would do in the future, but she couldn't be entirely sure. The porridge was the desire to be somewhere else manifested in edible form. It tasted of raw void and stale winters, and while eating it time and thought seemed to lose all meaning. All the universe was emptied, and there was only porridge.

It could do, she had thought to herself the first time she ate it, with some salt. Or it could be improved by adding anything else in the universe other than porridge. She had contemplated this for a moment. But no, there must be a deeper meaning to the porridge, as with everything else. Perhaps this plain... this oh so plain... so utterly, absolutely plain piece of food has some kind of secret attribute that would be lost if anything tampered with its plain-ness. Perhaps this uniform mass smooths the nerve channels, enhancing horn response time. Perhaps the absence of distracting flavor stimulus helps him concentrate, allowing him to continue working while he eats. Perhaps the porridge is a mirror of the structure of the universe, and by eating it, we become one with eternity.

Then Star Swirl burped, and said, “The Minotaur King made war upon my porridge once. I wagered him he could not defeat it, and when he lost, I could take any item from the Hidden Treasury in Knossox. I took his right boot.”

Or maybe Star Swirl is just an old madpony. NO, Clover! None of that! Deeper meanings! Deeper meanings everywhere!

Clover thus distracted herself by contemplating the many transcendental truths of the porridge. And so time passed. Worlds formed and disintegrated. Empires rose and fell. Lifeforms sprang from primordial muck, discovered steam-power and oligarchy, and died out after exhausting their supply of maroon dye, and a bell had rung from beyond the distant reaches of Star Swirl's kitchen to signal the end of supper, permitting Clover to return from the realms of the porridge to the lands of mortal ponies, alive but not unscarred.

– – –

The rest of the week had gone much the same. Now, Clover was reduced to roaming the stairs and platforms of the research wing in a daze, searching for... something. She could not recall what.

Oh yes, she thought. The exit.

She clambered towards it, and opened the door, feeling the fresh breeze in her mane. Then she barely remembered to not leap out and let gravity carry her less than softly to the ground.

– – –

“And then I came out here,” Clover concluded. She took a sip of her coffee, and watched her recently-ex-roommate for her reaction.

“Wow,” Chocolate Bunnies said. “That sucks.”

“Well put,” Clover said, slouched forward over the table. “You are an icon of compassion, Bunnies.”

“Glad to help!” Bunnies squealed with glee.

“Yeah. I'll be okay, I think,” Clover muttered. “I'll get to have a full night's sleep eventually, right? Anyway—” she raised a hoof to cut off Bunnies's impending sarcasm, and said with a hint of sadness in her voice, “I just don't get it. Everything we've done since I got there is just endless tedious cramming of impenetrable arcane theory. What happened to the adventures? What happened to the great wizard I read about when I was a filly? Whatever happened to scouring the world in search of lost knowledge and treasure? How did Star Swirl the Bearded end up a grumpy old stallion who just sits at home, and never speaks to anypony?”

“He is, like, over a hundred years old,” Chocolate Bunnies said, idly rubbing her right forehoof over the tablecloth. “Maybe he just got tired of it.”

“Maybe. It's just so sad though,” Clover said, sighing. They sat there silently for a few seconds before Clover changed the subject. “I just hope we'll get to the material in the introductory classes soon. I looked at the lecture plan for the regular classes, and Star Swirl the Bearded has just charged off in a completely different direction. A direction that goes through the middle of a primordial jungle into the heart of a volcano.” She buried her head in her hooves. “If this keeps going until my exams, I'm doomed. I'm gonna fail everything and get kicked out of the university.”

“I'm sure that won't happen,” Bunnies said. “Even if the university did throw you at Star Swirl as a sacrificial lamb to stop him from taking over any real classes.”

“They what?” Clover almost yelled, silencing all other conversations in the coffee shop and drawing the eyes of everypony around them.

Bunnies giggled nervously. “I'm not saying they did, Clover. It's just that... there have been some rumours going around campus the past week. I'm sure it's not true. I mean, there's another one that says that Star Swirl is secretly a dragon and that he killed and ate you, and that's not true, right?”

Clover stared at nothing, her mind working. “That would explain all those weird looks I got on the way down here, I suppose.”

Chocolate Bunnies nodded. "Well, I think everypony is kind of scared of you right now, actually. After the big lecture, everypony thinks you might be another total nut like old Star Swirl. There's actually also a rumour going around that you're his illegitimate daughter."

"What? That's ridiculous. I'll have you know that my parents are living happily together in Whinnysor.”

“Didn't you once tell me that your dad sleeps in a different room than your mom, and has a younger stallion friend who visits him and stays over every week?”

“Uncle Amber? What does he have to do with...” Clover's pupils shrank to pinholes. “But—I—you think that my parents are—and my dad is—with Uncle Amber—Oh no... Oh Celestia, I am never going to get that image out of my head!”

“Maybe Star Swirl the Bearded can help,” Chocolate Bunnies said. “Maybe he has actual brain bleach or something.”

“Changing the subject now!” Clover yelled. “Changing! Subject! Changed! In fact, let's get out of here before everypony well I see everypony is already looking at me so let's just leave okay leaving!”

Clover jumped up, barely avoiding knocking over a table as she did so, which only intensified the embarassment burning her face. She grabbed the wobbling table with her magic, and gently stabilized it before she rushed out of the coffee shop with Chocolate Bunnies happily skipping along behind her.

Clover took a deep breath. “While I'm in town, I need to pick up some things from my room. Let's go to our dormitory.”

“Oh,” Chocolate Bunnies froze suddenly. “That's... actually not such a good idea right now. Why don't you just tell me what you need and I'll bring it to you sometime?”

“Why? What's... ooooh!” Clover grinned, seeing a chance to get back at her friend for the rumors. “So who's the lucky colt?”

“I—that's... I don't know what you mean, Clover,” Bunnies said through a huge, fake grin, sweat forming on her brow as she thought about the 'project' she had underway in their apartment.

“Come on, Bunnies,” Clover said, pressing her friend back. “We've done this before. You've found a coltfriend and brought him home with you, and together the two of you absolutely demolished the place in the course of your partying, and you don't want anypony to see it.” Clover grinned as her friend bit her lip nervously. “So who is it that's gotten into Chocolate Bunnies' heart and/or bed this time? Tell me!”

“It's my hoof!” Chocolate Bunnies blurted out.

Clover blinked. “Okay, I didn't need to know that.”

“OhlookatthetimeIgottagobye!”

Clover watched as Chocolate Bunnies galloped down the street.

It took her a minute to collect herself to the point where she could think coherent thoughts again, thoughts that didn't revolve around her dad and Chocolate Bunnies' hoof doing things to her “uncle” beneath the disapproving glare of both her mother and Star Swirl the Bearded, and said things then being spread around Cambridle's gossip circuit.

“Start small, Clover,” she muttered to herself. “I might not be able to repair my entire childhood family history, but I can at least improve the food.” Then she trotted down the street towards the Cambridle market square.

– – –

By the time she returned to Star Swirl's house, Clover's mood was significantly improved, and she alternately whistled, hummed, and sang random snippets of tunes as she walked. Her saddlebags were filled with herbs and spices: several different peppers, paprika, garlic, sage, thyme, a jar of fresh honey, and most precious of all: salt.

She completely failed to comprehend how Star Swirl survived without a trace of salt in his house, yet somehow he did. She had checked. She had found enough esoteric reagents stuffed away in long-forgotten shelves to make any witch green with envy, but not one single grain of salt.

Well, she thought to herself as she climbed the ladder to Canterlot House 1, Perhaps Star Swirl the Bearded has resigned himself to a life completely without any kind of excitement or variety, but I have no intention of doing so myself. If he's stuck in a miserable rut, with nothing to show for his life of adventure but a bunch of hollow relics that do nothing for him, maybe I can drag him out. Her lips spread in a sly grin. Watch out, Star Swirl the Bearded. I think I'm beginning to understand you.

She knocked on the door for politeness's sake, then opened. “Professor, I'm back,” she said with a sing-song quality to her voice. “I brought some things.”

She head something smash inside the house, then a cry of pain. "Professor?" she said loudly, and crossed through the entrance corridor into the large hall. "Hello? Professor?" She heard another crash, and pounding hoofsteps, and two voices yelling: one, the angry voice of an old stallion, cried: "Begone from my home, deleterious miscreant!" The other, a young feminine voice, spat out: "Tonight your blood is mine, old one!"

Clover galloped out onto the nearest platform and saw a scene of chaos and violence. There stood Star Swirl in his robe, his head held high, his legs spread wide for stability like a colt posturing for a fight, his horn glowing a dark blue and several jagged, pointy implements levitating in a semi-circle above him, all pointed at another figure clad all in black, with a black mask over her head and a red ribbon around her neck. Her skin-hugging outfit showed her outline clearly, which Clover immediately recognized as a mule mare. She leapt and spun around the platforms and the shelves with the agility and speed of a pegasus athlete, and somehow held a sword between her forehooves. She dodged as Star Swirl launched a jagged shard of broken porcelain at her, leaving it stuck deep in the wall. "You have gone too far, little pony,” the mule said, “and have attracted attention you should have avoided. Now you will pay the price!”

Star Swirl merely shrugged, and shifted his knife-like implements to a different position.

“Star Swirl!” Clover cried, and both combatants immediately became aware of her.

The mule frowned, her eyes narrowing to slits. "What is this? You would put a foal in my path, old one? Too cowardly to fight your own battles? Very well, tonight you shall live,” she hissed. “But we will be back! You have been marked by the Red Sisters, and we will not stop hunting you until your blood coats our blades!" She grabbed a black ball from a pouch in her belt and threw it to the ground. Upon impacting, it exploded in a cloud of impenetrable smoke, and she disappeared from sight. A second later, on the far side of the hall, Clover heard a sound just in time to see her disappear over the edge of the balcony.

"Hrrmph," Star Swirl grunted, and cleared away the smoke with a brief gust of magic wind. He turned away without a word and began tidying up the site of the battle.

“Star Swirl!” Clover ran up beside him, her heart racing, and attempted to check him for wounds. “Professor! Are you alright? What was that?”

“Ninja assassin,” Star Swirl said, shrugging. “It happens. You said you brought some things?”

– – –

In the barnhouse of a small farm on the outskirts of Cambridle, a group of young ponies clad in cliché dark cultist wear were laying plans for bringing the world under the sway of their ancient master.

“Alright, so,” their leader, a pink earth pony stallion with a ruffled purple mane, said between sighs of boredom, pencil gripped in his teeth. “Any ideas for how we can raise money for a carnival float of Lord Discord?”

“We could hold another bake sale?” one young pegasus mare suggested.

“No more bake sales!” a unicorn mare cried, and shot the first mare an angry look. “Nopony buys anything from us after you rigged all the cookies to explode.”

“Those cookies totally embodied the message of chaos! It realigned the paradigm and got the buyers to shift their perception of reality!” The first mare said. “It was only the best thing we've done all year.”

“It was also the most expensive thing we've done all year,” the unicorn replied. “We needed that bake sale to pay the rent for the office. Now thanks to you we're stuck here in this decrepit old barn.”

“There's nothing wrong with my dad's barn!” the pegasus mare said, glaring at the unicorn. “Just because Little Miss Silk Pyjamas here was born in a palace and thinks she's too good to cavort with anyone who doesn't have a horn, doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the barn! What do we need an office for anyway? D'you think Discord would spend his days in an office?”

The unicorn recoiled in affronted horror. “I was not born in a palace! And I do not have anything against pegasi, or earth ponies! The very idea is absurd. But we needed that office for all kinds of reasons. If you want us to be taken seriously, we have to behave seriously, and that means having a proper base of operations. We might as well spend our days in a foal's treehouse as this barn. And don't even get me started on these ridiculous costumes. We should all be wearing tailored business suits.”

“There was a sale at the fancy dress shop!” the pegasus mare yelled. “You're always saying we need to save money! What was I supposed to do?”

The stallion facehoofed as the two mares recommenced their ongoing-but-occasionally-interrupted staring contest. He was about to say something to try to get this meeting back on track when the barn door creaked open, revealing the silhouette of a unicorn, the sun at her back, looking in at them.

“Who's there?” he asked.

“Oh, uh, hold on a second,” the silhouette said, and whispered something to nopony that the stallion could see. “Okay, okay. This is the Discordians' place, right?”

“Yeah, what do you want?”

“Right. Okay. Here goes. Ahem. Ponies of the barn! I come before you today to show you the truth!” She stepped inside, and closed the door behind her, allowing them to see her more clearly. “My name is Chocolate Bunnies,” she said, “And I come bearing a message from a higher power. ”

The pegasus mare gasped. “Hey, I remember you! You're my old roommate!” She dove in for a hug. “Bunnies!!”

Chocolate Bunnies cringed and tried to push the pegasus off. “Get off me, Edge, I'm doing a thing here!”

“I know,” the pegasus said. “I'm just showing my appreciation.”

Chocolate Bunnies rolled her eyes, as she pried the pegasus's hooves off and pushed her away. “For years, you members of the Servitors of Discord have languished in the shadows. What have your efforts brought you? Your numbers dwindle, and your cookies go uneaten! But I bring you word from a greater power, who promises you greatness and hilarity! His voice speaks through me, for I am his prophet! Bow before me!” Here she sat down on her haunches and raised her right foreleg high. “Behold the Hoof! Hear his words!”

“His?” the stallion asked.

“It! Hear its words! For the Hoof shall usher in a new world, and in the new age all shall bow before the Hoof!”

Author's Note:

It lives! Behold my christmas present to you, dear readers!

I am really, truly, terribly sorry for the long hiatus. I had to finish my MA thesis, which sucked up every bit of time, energy, and mental wherewithal all through the fall and up to the end of November. But I have now finished it, and am just waiting to get the results, and am back to writing ponies again with all my suddenly-abundant free time ^^ Merry Christmas or whatever midwinter celebration you opt for, and I hope you enjoy it.

"Your tools must learn to fear you!" comes courtesy of my friend VisMis. VisMis has also drawn some interpretations of Clover and Chocolate Bunnies.