• Published 14th Jul 2013
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The Education of Clover the Clever - Daedalus Aegle



Some people think lectures and classes are for educating. Star Swirl the Bearded has no patience for those people.

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Chapter 13: Practical Applications - Scheduling

Clover knew that Star Swirl had a private laboratory somewhere in the strange, physics-defying space that was Canterlot House 1.

Clover did not know why Star Swirl had a private lab, considering that before her arrival his entire house had been his private lab. Nevertheless, he did.

It wasn't really a secret. Even though the entrance blended seamlessly into the wall, so that no-one could find it if they did not know it was there, Star Swirl had never bothered to try to hide it from Clover. The door was on the middle level of the big hall, not far from the entrance: upon entering you just had to turn left and walk straight, and the patch of empty wall directly ahead of you was it.

Clover did not know how to open it, and had not asked. She respected his privacy.

Perhaps he simply liked the idea of having a secret lair, she had sometimes wondered, like an imaginative foal, or a supervillain.

The research hall of Canterlot House was bright, spacious, clean, and always kept at a comfortable cool temperature. The inside of the private lab, which Clover had only glimpsed on occasion through the open door, was dark and cold. The air within, which she had never breathed, was dry and stale. There were various very solid-looking cages for containing experimental subjects, and Star Swirl had placed one of those cages in the middle of the lab, and surrounded it with circles of runes and sigils.

There were no windows. The only light came from a few wax candles, and the cold blue glow of magic inscriptions on the floor.

In a lot of ways it was more like a dungeon than a lab, which in turn made the research equipment within look more like implements of torture. At least to anypony who didn't know what they were for, and the pony in the cage certainly didn't. Nor did he know what the rune-circle inscribed around the cage was for either, or the diagrams of strange anatomy, written in a language he had never seen.

“Just so that our situation is clear,” Star Swirl said as he stalked in a circle around the cage, “nopony but me ever comes here. My pupil, inquisitive thing though she is, would never dare disobey me and look inside. Everything that happens between us here will be a secret to the rest of the world. No-one will know except us two.”

Star Swirl stopped at a desk, and prepared a quill with ink and a notebook. “So bearing that in mind… is there anything you would like to tell me before we get started?”

“You're insane,” the earth pony replied.

“You're not the first pony to say so,” Star Swirl said. “So… Sprout, was it? Tell me, if you would, about mister Sprout.”

“For starters, I've been locked in a cage by a madpony and I want to go home!”

The earth pony glared at the wizard from inside the cage, not saying a word.

“This will go a lot easier if you cooperate,” Star Swirl said.

The earth pony huffed, and turned away.

“No? Well, I should warn you. So long as you do not cooperate, I will be extremely unhappy with you. If you decide to be helpful, I will be in a much better mood. I trust I make myself clear.”

The earth pony made no response. They were both silent for a while, before Star Swirl spoke. “I have all the time in the world, you know. You'll break.”

– – –

When Star Swirl emerged from the lab he found Clover standing right outside the door waiting for him. Her face was entirely neutral, and when she spoke her voice was the same. “Who was that pony you just dragged in, Star Swirl?”

Star Swirl raised a hoof to hush her as he closed the door shut behind him. “He says his name is mister Sprout,” Star Swirl said. “I am going to research him.”

“Research.”

“That's right.”

There was silence. Clover only watched, and waited.

“...He is very scientifically interesting,” Star Swirl eventually said.

Clover narrowed her eyes into an unamused glare that would have made her mother proud. “I certainly hope so, professor. Because from where I'm standing it looks like you just abducted a stallion off the street and locked him in your lab to perform insane experiments on him.”

“My experiments are not insane. They are perfectly rigorous.”

“Star Swirl!” Clover snapped. “Enough with the games already! I won't let you do this to yourself!”

Star Swirl raised an eyebrow. “I am sure I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Oh sure you don't. Star Swirl the Bearded, the great hated misequine has no idea what I'm talking about. Guh!” She groaned and rolled her eyes. “You keep saying I should trust you but when I do you immediately go out of your way to make it harder! It's like you pull back and sabotage yourself at any sign that other ponies might actually not hate you. Well, not this time, Star Swirl! I won't let you.” She jabbed her hoof at him and glared. “I collected the mail when I came in. You have already gotten your first orders from ponies in town, including a request for a private consultation. There are ponies who respect you down there, professor, and you are not going to disappoint them.”

She raised a small stack of letters in her grip to demonstrate, and placed them on a nearby table. “Here's what is going to happen. We are going to read through these orders together, and then we are going to answer them. When the time comes for the consultations, we are both going to politely meet with our clients and you are going to earnestly try to help them with their problems. But before we do any of that you are going to go inside your lab and let that actor in there go home with whatever payment you promised him because I am not fooled by your little evil sorcerer play-acting, you hear?”

Star Swirl's face did not betray any hint of his thoughts. He pushed her hoof aside and raised his head, glanced down at her along the length of his muzzle. “If that's what you want to believe, fine,” he said. “But he is not going anywhere until I am through with him.”

“And what exactly are you going to learn from this research?”

“If I knew that there wouldn't be any point to doing the research in the first place,” Star Swirl replied. “I will happily show you all my results as soon as they are ready, if you're so interested. Now let's look at that mail, eh?”

He trotted past, leaving her frowning at the back of his head. “Hmph!” She grunted, and fell into step behind him. “Fine. But this is for your own good, professor. I'm only doing this because I care about you.”

“I can take care of myself,” he said.

“Can you?” She asked. “I think somepony needs to be strict with you, Star Swirl. You need to learn how to coexist with normal ponies. Even if you did get to be a hundred and seventeen without it. I happen to believe very firmly that nopony is ever too old to learn new things.”

The handling of mail and appointments passed quietly and with suspicion.

By the time they were done there was not much left of the evening, and Clover finished her chores around the house while Star Swirl retired to the balcony to watch the emerging stars. Not a word passed between them, and whenever she glanced up at him he was fully absorbed in his biggest telescope and seemed to pay her no heed.

Once her chores were over, Clover had the night free. She sat down at her workspace and went over the first orders they had received. She prepared a list of what each wanted, what she knew how to make herself and what she would have to get Star Swirl to handle, and what she suspected was conceptually impossible.

A few ponies were even brave enough to ask for appointments, wanting to discuss their issues in depth, or in private. Clover put them down in the schedule for a few days later.

Then she went to bed, and all the thoughts she'd had came back to battle it out in her mind. Between the thoughts of her time with Dusty, and the equally-yet-differently exciting thoughts about the pony in the lab, she had a hard time getting to sleep that night.

Even so, when morning came she rose from her bed, put on her plain coarse robe, hood down, and strode resolutely to the break room, buoyed by her determination.

The sounds of birdsong accompanied her as she entered the break room. She paused to take in the sight through the window, as she did every morning. Though it looked like a window, it was in fact a portal to a perpetually-sunny meadow somewhere no pony ever seemed to go, and the sounds of birdsong filled the room, which Clover always enjoyed although on this occasion it felt rather at odds with her mood.

Star Swirl was already seated, quietly eating his breakfast of dry biscuit and tea. “Morning, professor,” Clover said sharply as she sat down opposite him, emphasizing the absence of the word 'good'.

“Morning,” Star Swirl replied. “You seem sharp this morning. Normally you take a while to get up to speed, you know. Perhaps the extra motivation is doing you good.”

Clover did not rise to the bait. “How is mister Sprout today?”

“I imagine he is much as he was,” Star Swirl replied.

“This doesn't change anything, you know,” Clover said, and brought up her clipboard. “Whatever you're thinking. Whatever you're doing. You are going to meet with these clients. You're not going to stop me.”

“If you say so,” Star Swirl concurred.

“Yes. As a matter of fact, I am going to schedule the first pony to come speak to us tomorrow. Today we are going to make sure everything is ready, so don't make any other sudden plans.”

There was a crack and crunch as Star Swirl bit off his biscuit. He made no other response.

Clover continued. “First of all we need a good place to host our clients. The research lab is too open and chaotic for visitors. I've written up a few possible options.”

Star Swirl chewed, watching her as one might watch a duck crossing a busy road. Clover raised her clipboard and coal stick to gesture to it. “The most obvious choice is this break room: we could use it. It's a nice room. It's welcoming and familiar, and sends a message that we're not so different from everypony else, all of which would help put ponies at their ease. It doesn't exactly scream 'professional wizard', but a little redecorating can fix that. What do you think?”

Crunch, crunch, swallow. Sip. Swallow. Inhale. “I like the break room as it is,” Star Swirl said. “I like everything as – well, no, that's a lie, things in general could stand to be better.”

Clover smiled. “Then you're in luck, professor! Because we are going to make the world a better place, by using your great wisdom and vast experience to provide valuable services to the community!” She scratched an X on the list. “But that's fine. If you don't want to redecorate the break room, the next option is the research hall. I know you don't mind rearranging that.” She smiled aggressively beneath quick eyes. “We could clean out one of the smaller platforms and move it into a heightened position that is easily accessed from the front door. We could put up a nice table and some chairs, maybe some bookshelves with some of the more benign conversation pieces. I can set up a rotation, Celestia knows you have enough of them. I'll keep a tray of tea and biscuits ready for hospitality's sake.”

“The platforms don't move, Clover. They're just platforms.”

“I don't believe you,” Clover said, putting down another X. “Still, if you need time to acclimatize yourself to the idea of redecorating, as a temporary measure I would suggest that room where you gave me that first interview, which I recall being both welcoming, interesting and respectable, even if it was only a hologram. What do you think?”

“Whatever.”

“What's that?”

“I said, whatever you think works.”

“That's right, professor. That's exactly what you said. Don't you forget it.”

– – –

This is great.

“Thanks for helping me with this,” Clover said, trying to keep her voice bright without exploding.

“It's no problem,” Dusty said with a coltish cuteness that made Clover's heartbeat dance.

Shortly after breakfast Clover had found Dusty at the university and asked for a favor. He had said yes, and they had wandered off through the town with Clover casting sideways glances at his big eyes and the sway of his curls every other step, fighting back the grin that threatened to erupt over her face every moment.

Who knew walking down a street could be this good?

They were almost back at Canterlot House 1, just leaving behind the last buildings at the end of the street that led to Star Swirl the Bearded's home.

“I promise it's not going to be any trouble,” Clover said. “I'm just going to walk you through the house as a kind of test run, just to be sure everything's ready for when we start receiving clients.”

They stopped at the bottom of the building. Canterlot House 1 was as it always was: a chaotic mishmash of architecture growing sideways out of a sheer cliff face some fifteen yards up in the air, supported by nothing that anypony could see.

“So… Here we are,” Clover said. “First step: getting inside.”

They looked at the stairs leading up to the front door. It too was as it always was: a long, narrow, rickety wooden thing that seemed always just one gust of wind away from total collapse.

“No trouble,” she said quietly. After all, I wouldn't want the nice colt to think I'm sane, or sensible or anything. Where's the fun in that? “No trouble at all.”

“Yeah...” Dusty said slowly, watching it sway gently from side to side. “Some ponies might have a problem with this part.”

“I guess I just got used to it,” Clover mumbled, making a note on her clipboard. “I'll get Star Swirl to replace it with something else. Something that inspires confidence.”

“Could be for the best,” Dusty replied.

“It's supported by magic,” Clover said, climbing the first few steps. She turned and looked down at him with what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “It's actually very sturdy. Probably nigh-indestructible. I suspect you couldn't fall off it if you tried.”

Dusty gulped and began to climb it slowly, one step at a time. “I did get up alright the first time, but… I kinda felt like it didn't like me.”

The next step made a loud creak and a snap as he placed his weight on it. Clover yelped, grabbed him in her forelegs and bodily pulled him up to the next step. So it was that they stood silently holding each other, staring at a plank which showed no indication that anything was wrong.

They both held their breath as thoughts ran through each of their minds of how foolish the other must think them.

Eventually, after a few false starts, they reached the front door and passed into the entryway.

The entryway was an unlit room which was short to cross but infinitely wide. It stretched out into opaque darkness to her right and left, past piles of unused construction materials, carved images, and esoteric magical ingredients. As far as Clover could tell Star Swirl used it as a storage room for low-demand and thankfully mostly inert objects.

Inert, but smelly.

“Any problems here?” Dusty asked.

“Maybe I should put up a fence, or a sign or something, just to make absolutely certain nopony tries to go any other direction,” Clover said to herself, and sighed. “It's no problem. I'll make him clean it up.”

It was a simple matter to cross the entryway, ignoring the endless darkness to either side, to the unlocked door at the far end. Beyond that was the research hall, where Clover foresaw no real problems. They would simply walk down the stairs immediately on their right, then cross the reference checkpoint platform, descend the stairs again, and the door to the break room would be dead ahead.

They took one step forward and Dusty vanished from her side with a sound halfway between a yell and a swallow. If Clover were forced to transcribe it, she would put it down as “Glarp!”

Clover looked up, following the sound, and saw Dusty hanging upside-down in the air above her, held up by his legs. He kicked ineffectually at whatever force held him and squeaked.

Clover thought it was a fairly masculine squeak, as far as it goes.

“Oh stars – Dusty! Please stay calm! Try – try not to struggle, that might just make it angry!” A pit opened in her stomach as she looked around for any idea what was going on. “Professor! Professor! Get up here!”

“What's this racket?” Star Swirl said from below just before trotting up the stairs and into sight. “Oh, it works!”

“Professor! Help!” She cried as she ran around underneath the young stallion. “What's happening to him?!”

“That's just the home security system,” Star Swirl replied, and tapped the floor twice with his hoof.

As he did so a wave of light shimmered across Clover's vision, revealing that the home security system was a giant, translucent golem, like a cloud of gas vaguely shaped like a minotaur, which was currently holding Dusty in a huge blurry claw. It froze as it became visible, like water turning to ice before their eyes, leaving Dusty hanging still.

Once it seemed the thing was not going to rip Dusty to pieces or throw him into the wall, both he and Clover sighed in relief.

“Working just as it should.” Star Swirl looked up at the golem with the satisfaction of a job well done. “I set it up and running a few days ago, but hadn't gotten to see if it works yet. I've been upgrading security all over the house lately. Unexpected visitors coming in the front door get the containment field.”

Clover did not look impressed. “It never did that to me,” she said.

“I registered you as a privileged user. You're allowed in.”

“It didn't do that to Dusty last night either.”

“Dates count as a personal exemption,” Star Swirl said. “I don't know what you thought you were doing here, but you're allowed to invite guests for purely personal reasons – you're welcome, no need to thank me. He had limited clearance.”

“The home security system knew that I was going on a date?”

“It's a very sensitive system.”

Clover opened and shut her mouth a few times before the words came out. “It's sensitive enough to know when I'm going on a date, but not sensitive enough to know when I'm bringing a friend over as a pretend client? That's just confusing!”

Star Swirl shrugged dismissively. “So it doesn't quite have all the bugs worked out yet. It's only a few days old. It'll learn.”

“And you do this just as I'm getting things ready.” Her eyes narrowed. “You're doing this on purpose, Star Swirl.”

“We've been over this, Clover. I have only the security of Canterlot House in mind.”

There was a tense silence as the two unicorns watched each other. Clover drew a deep breath, and grabbed her clipboard. “What other new security measures have you put in lately? Tell me.”

“I shouldn't share that information. That would go against the point.”

Her stare sharpened.

Star Swirl cleared his throat. “The floor will turn to fluid and drop ponies into secure containment pods.”

Clover groaned and facehoofed. “Can't you just do like everypony else and get a home security system that alerts the city watch?”

“I'm not going to get the city watch involved. I wouldn't want to endanger them.”

“Well, can't you just scan ponies for weapons as they come in, or something?” Clover demanded, pressing forward. “You have that anti-poison defense! I know you can scan for things like that! Must you make everything so difficult?”

“It's much easier to scan for toxic compounds than for weapons. Anything can be a weapon if you get creative.”

“You're turning the house into a death trap, professor! We have guests coming over!”

“They know who they're visiting!”

“Um, Clover?” A voice asked meekly from overhead. “Could you please get me down?”

– – –

From a rooftop downtown, a griffon watched the unfolding events with interest, and a pair of enchanted binoculars.

“Gas golem,” he whispered to himself. “Grade four, easily dispersed with the right blast.”

A sharp claw clicked the adjusting gear on the binoculars into a new position, switching its mode with a pair of crystal lenses. He chuckled. “The anti-venom shield was a given. So predictable, and so easily circumvented.”

He ticked off the list he carried in his mind of the likely obstacles, and the tools he had prepared to overcome them, slotted them one by one into the many pockets, nooks and pouches of his suit.

“Soon, oldhorn. Very soon.”

– – –

It had taken longer than Clover believed was truly necessary, but in the end Dusty had been released from the security system and gently returned to the floor.

Clover had decided not to ask if he wanted to continue the course down to the break room. Instead she had walked him back out and down the street, until Canterlot House was no longer in sight. Once there she had thanked him, and given him a brief but emphatic nuzzle. They said goodbye, and he had wandered ever so slightly unsteadily homeward.

When she returned home Star Swirl was at work polishing the alchemical glass devices. She fell against the wall with a groan, and he turned an ear in her direction.

“Dusty is alright,” Clover said. “He was very sweet about it. He said everything's fine and that he wasn't hurt, but I think he was just trying to spare my feelings.”

“That was kind of him.”

“No it wasn't!” Clover snapped. “I shouldn't have asked him for help in the first place. Honestly, who does that to someone they've just met? But I didn't know that! I didn't – I don't –” She smacked herself lightly in the face with a groan of frustration. “I'm new to this, alright? I just wanted to have a nice time without worrying about everything, and now he must think I'm… well, now he must think I'm like you.”

Clover glanced over at her teacher. He had not looked up from his work since she entered. “There are worse things to be, believe it or not. Besides, it doesn't matter what he thinks you are.”

Wearily. “For the purposes of our relationship, I kind of think it does matter, Star Swirl.”

“Let me rephrase that,” Star Swirl said. “What you are and do has only an indirect effect on what he thinks you are. His thoughts are generally outside your control, and you shouldn't worry too much about them. If he really likes you he'll ignore everything you are in favor of the image he has of you in his head.”

“That...” Clover fell silent and blinked, her pupils shrinking. “That's horrible, professor.”

“That's romance,” Star Swirl said. “It cuts both ways: you're not really seeing him either.”

Clover felt the resentment rising but bit it back. She waited it out in silence, though not moving from the spot or ceasing to glare at the back of her teacher's hat. Star Swirl continued about his business, seemingly oblivious to her reaction.

Once she was satisfied that her thoughts and feelings were fully under her control again, she spoke. “I'm going out to meet him again later.”

“That's nice,” Star Swirl said.

Clover nodded and stepped closer, watching her teacher's reaction intently. “Yes, I hope it will be. I might be late coming back tonight. He might be coming over to visit more often in the near future.”

The wince was minute, but Clover saw it immediately. “I expect you to be civil, professor,” she said. “To him as well as to our clients. Even if you don't like him, I expect you to treat him as if you're open to the possibility that you will.”

“I feel that we're straying back into mask territory here, Clover,” Star Swirl said testily. “You know how I feel about that.”

“Is that why you're fighting tooth and claw against this?” Her eyes narrowed on him. “It's not about wearing a mask, Star Swirl, it's about sending signals! Signals like 'I'm not insane or evil, you don't need to be afraid of me', or 'I want to be a valuable member of this community'. It's about fitting in.”

“I am not sure there is any real distinction there,” he replied. “To be honest, I suspect 'fitting in' is valued more highly than it deserves in our society. You have it worst of all, you know. You symbolically destroy yourself to win the approval of those you see as your betters. You shouldn't just trust in me, you should trust in yourself.”

Clover raised an eyebrow. “So now trusting in myself means doing what you want instead of what I want?”

“The world is a complex and mysterious place.”

She stepped closer. “I do trust in myself, Star Swirl. That's why I'm going to continue reaching out. I have difficulties sometimes – and don't bother making a snide comment – but I believe in ponies. You can't seal yourself away from everypony and hide behind death traps just because you don't like playing by the rules.”

“There is something to be said for breaking the rules sometimes,” Star Swirl replied, the crystal flask glittering in the light as it spun in his grip. “If nothing else, it reveals which ones are flimsy.”

“You know a rule that isn't flimsy?” Clover asked. “Don't abduct ponies. That one is remarkably solid.”

Clink. Star Swirl gently put the flask down and picked up a small silver nozzle. “That,” he said, his voice a touch harder, “has nothing to do with you or your project, and I am instructing you not to interfere with it in any way. It is a very delicate matter.”

“It certainly doesn't seem that way, Star Swirl. To me it seems very much like you're doing it to make some kind of point, and no matter how I turn it around I can't find a point in it that isn't horrible.”

“I am telling you now that it is unconnected.”

Clover reached out a hoof and pulled Star Swirl's head to face her, muzzle to muzzle. “I want you to let him go,” she said. “This isn't you, professor. I think you're playacting, trying to get me to doubt you, and I don't think it's very funny.”

Star Swirl's face remained impassive. “...I am afraid I cannot do that at this time.”

“Why, because you wrote a contract with him?” Clover asked. “So pay him in full, you can afford it. He can put me down as a reference. I could see that he's an excellent actor.”

Star Swirl rolled his eyes. He raised a hoof and swept her back with a gesture. “This conversation is over, Clover. If you don't have anything work-related to discuss, then you can just go about your business.”

Clover gasped, and scowled. “Is that how it is then? Alright then, work-related it is! You need to clear out everything that could conceivably get in the way of bringing a client down to the break room – and before you start, no. No complaints, no philosophical objections to the word 'conceivably', no mind-games or double-talk! Just clear a path! It really shouldn't be difficult!”

“Fine!” Star Swirl almost shouted. “I'll put everything else on hold and open up a gap in our security for the benefit of your plans! It'll be done later tonight, just try not to schedule any assassins for consultations. You know they'll be trying.” He shook his head. “Enough of this. You go on your little date with your colt companion.”

“I will!”

“Great!” Star Swirl yelled. “I sincerely hope you enjoy your time together! I am going to the private lab to be a supervillain.”

With one last glare between them they both turned away and stomped their separate ways.

Star Swirl heard the front door slam shut behind him as he entered the lab. He sealed the entrance, and his hoofsteps were sharp and hard on the stone floor. With a flick of his horn he switched on a harsh, glaring light pointed on the cage, and the earth pony inside grunted and covered his eyes with his leg.

Star Swirl sat down by his desk and watched the cage. A minute passed with neither of them moving before the wizard broke the silence.

“My apprentice is unhappy with me.”

The pony in the cage didn't respond.

Star Swirl continued. “She's spending time with a new colt. He's a bad one, that one, but she's lost in her own fantasy world and can't see him for what he is… Trust me on this. The stars don't tell me the future anymore, but when I look at him I see it clear as…” He sighed, deeply, heavily. “That poor filly has a tendency to place her trust in ponies who don't deserve it. I can see it coming, but I can't change it.”

Star Swirl's prisoner looked up at him and saw eyes full of malice and innovation. “Suffice to say it's put me in a bad mood, and right now I am rather tempted to take it out on you.”

“You're insane,” he muttered.

“Mm. She thinks this is all an elaborate scheme to upset her opinion of me. What do you think of that?”

“That seems like something you might do,” the prisoner said, his voice low and quavering. “You've no reason to keep me here. I can't tell you anything. I have no idea what you want.”

“Hm. Well, sooner or later she's going to have to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her,” Star Swirl said. “I can see you're not in a mood for chit-chat this morning, so let's just go straight to the business, shall we?”

“You can't keep me here,” the pony in the cage said defiantly. “My family is looking for me. They'll find me.”

“Ah, yes, your family. Tell me about your family.”

The earth pony gave a single bleak laugh and smiled. “Why? So you can go hurt them too?”

Star Swirl looked back at him. “Your family moved here a couple of years ago on the Preferred Settlement plan, to farm for Cambridle's predominantly unicorn population,” he began. “Sweet Tonic, earth pony mare, thirty-two years old. In addition to working on the farm she helps out in a hostel for the needy. Mother of Rose Petal, five years old, earth pony filly, and Budding Leaf, three years old, earth pony colt. Rose Petal doesn't have her mark yet but shows an aptitude for perfumes, and is popular among her kindergarten fellows. Budding Leaf loves climbing trees. Sweet Tonic loves her husband, and her children love their father very, very much. Should I go on?”

Star Swirl waited. The earth pony's mock mirth faded away into pain and anger. He pounded at the bars of his cage and snarled, “leave my family alone, you monster!”

“Your family. Yes. Your loving wife and beautiful children. I imagine how they must miss their father and my heart aches.” He leaned in to the cage until their faces were only inches apart. “Are you ready to cooperate?”

The earth pony said nothing.

Star Swirl shook his head sadly. “You're only making it worse for yourself, you know. I have all the time in the world.”