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It Was a Cold Night

When baby Starlight gets kidnapped, only one stallion can save her. But when the kidnapper holds her for ransom, will Cody find her in time? Find out in this thriller, It Was a Cold Night!

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

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Dave Storm

Dave Storm #1 · Jun 15th, 2013 · · 1 ·

Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume

Jphyper

Jphyper #2 · Jun 16th, 2013 · · ·

Your sentence structure is a bit too simple. Almost every sentence in here is the kind of short, simple sentence you'd use in a grammar lesson, like "The cat slept" or "My name is (name)". Wherever a typical writer would've used a comma, semicolon, or the words "and" or "or", you just started a new sentence. It's an incredibly boring style that makes it dificult to make things flow.

You also didn't set up the characters. Who the heck is Cole? Also, Twilight comes out of nowhere for no apparent reason. What does she have to do with anything? You need to insert quite a bit of back story into there.

Also, what kind of name is "Cole" for a pony? Ponies don't use human names. You need to be more creative.