Chapter One

Chapter One
Celestia's sun was setting just as Applejack was coming home from a busy day in Ponyville. There were crystal ponies everywhere, they were scattered all over Ponyville to meet the Elements of Harmony. They were just normal tourists. Applejack sold all of her Apples to the crystal ponies. She was flooded with bits, and so was the same at Sugar Cube Corner. Applejack's throat was sore from trying to talk over everyone just to talk to one pony to sell ONE apple. But, business is business in the Apple Family. On her way home she heard a familiar ' whoosh' sound from up above. She knew who it was right away. Her crush,
Rainbow Dash.
Applejack waved a hoof to signal the pegasus, but it was too late.
" LOOK OUT!!"
Suddenly feeling the air get knocked out of her, Applejack opened her eyes to see those warm, magenta eyes staring at her, " Sorry A.J, I was trying out a new trick.. And I got kinda carried away, sorry.." Rainbow felt just as awkward as Applejack was, they both were blushing. After a few struggles and swears they finally untangled themselves and got out of the cart that Applejack was hauling.
" Hey Rainbow, after ah put this cart away, I'll meet ya up at the old Oak in the West Field, unless you have something planned..." The cyan blue pegasus shook her head," I don't have anything planned, so.. Sure!" In a heartbeat she was gone, racing towards the west field.
Applejack smiled and shook her head.
~***~***~
Applejack caught up to Rainbow Dash, who for a very active pegasus, was flying slow.
" Huh.. Ah never thought I could beat The Fastest Flyer in Equestria" the farmer pony teased, waking up a dozed off Rainbow, " Huh.. Oh! How did you-" The pegasus suddenly ran right into the old Oak tree.
Applejack laughed.
~
Once getting settled Applejack spoke, " Rainbow, I have something to tell ya" she paused to catch her breath, " Ah love you"
" You ate a lock?" Rainbow was dumbfounded by Applejack's mumbling.
" No! Ah said ah LOVE YOU!"
Rainbow stared at her blankly.
Applejack sighed.
Rainbow sat closer to Applejack," One more time"
That's it!
Applejack then leaned in and kissed Rainbow on the lips.
At first shocked pulsed through The cyan blue pegasus's body turned into a lovingly bliss. She closed her eyes.
Applejack then slowly pulled away, letting the momentum last for a couple more heartbeats, " Ah love you Rainbow" she stated firmly, but her face was a bright pink blush.
Rainbow stared at her, then smiled," I love you to, I've actually had a crush on you for a while.." Dash rubbed the back of her neck, embaressed . Applejack smiled," Ditto, sugarcube" Rainbow Dash leaned in and nuzzled her marefriend's neck. Applejack chuckled softly and pulled in close by her, as they both watched the moon rise.
----
Pinkie Pie closed Sugar Cube Corner.
" Whew! What a busy day!" She wiped her brow with her hoof as she stood outside of the restaurant, letting the cool breeze cool her down from the warm Kitchen, where she had been working all day. But, the hyper Pie was not yet ready to go to sleep,
The only pony she knew that stayed up this late was one Pegasus.
Rainbow Dash.
----
Applejack and Rainbow Dash smiled at each other softly. Slowly, they drew in for a soft kiss...
----
Pinkie Pie was already at Rainbow's house, jumping up and down, " Daaashie!" After calling her name around 20 times, she thought of another place the pegasus would be. " Oh! She might be at Sweet Apple Acres! Dashie always loves night-time snacks!" The party pony quickly made her way to Applejack's home. After a super quick search, she found hoof prints, " Aha! She went to the west field!" So, the pink pony ,are her way to the west field. But, little did she know there were 2 sets of hoof prints...

Finally, Pinkie got to her destination. Little did anyone know. Pinkie and Rainbow were together, but they separated, just to meet new ponies of course.
I'm sure Dash was just joking, I'm so delightful and fun, why would anyone want to dump me?
Pinkie found the rainbow- maned pegasus.
Hr cyan blue fur was shining like the ocean in the night- sky.
And suddenly orange appeared.
Wait, who's that? Pinkie pie gasped as the orange earth pony kissed Rainbow.
Applejck?!
The pink earth pony's eyes started to brim with tears.
" No..."
As she watched the two kiss,She thought she was about to die right there..
~
Rainbow Dash's ears perked as she heard someone say her name. Applejack probably
Heard it too as she stood up.
" Hello?" Rainbow called out, she looked over a one certain apple tree that had some pink fur behind it.

" H-how could you Dashie?" Pinkie Pie stepped out, her blue eyes were brimming with tears and her mane was straight and flat, her fur looked darker too.
" Pinkie.. Remember? I said I was going to see other ponies.. And.." The shocked pegasus looked over at Applejack. Her eyes wide.
" I though we were going to be together! You.. Cold hearted jerk! You played on me!"

Rainbow, who was in utter shock gasped at her, " No, I'm not! " she calmed herself as she slowly walked over to Pinkie, " Pinks.. I'm sorry.-"
" Stay AWAY from me! You liar! You've lied about everything you've ever said to me! I thought you were different.." Pinkie Pie choked, stepping back from the rainbow maned pegasus.

Applejack looked at the depressed pink pony," Pinkie, I'm so sorry,ah didn't know-" she was cut off by a cry.
" And YOU Applejack! Your the one who took her away from me! Don't expect to EVER be my friend again! Stay AWAY!" Pinkie Pie ran inbetween the two and raced off, away from that horrible place. She didn't care where she was going, just far, far away.
I thought you were my special some pony... Rainbow Dash....
~***~***~
Rainbow Dash stood there, a lone tear fell off of Rainbow's cheeks. She slowly slumped to the ground.
Applejack quickly ran over to her and put her hoof on Rainbow.
" Im s-sorry A* cough* Applejack.. I-I'm a horrible-"
" No, your not," Applejack brought her into a tight embrace," I love you.."
Once Rainbow fell asleep, Applejack got herself into a comfortable position by Rainbow.

What have ah done..

Author's Note:

Hi guys! This is my first ever story here on FIM fiction!
I'm so excited to keep this story going!
Also, I'm the one who made the picture ^_^
Disclaimer: I DO NOT own My Little Pony
Hasbro does.

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Lord of Nothing

Lord of Nothing #1 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

Sounds like it has potential, but the title should read "Sweet, Loving Melodies".

Just thought I'd point that out so you can have the highest-quality story you can.

Cheers.

Post-Read Edit:

So, yeah. This story does have potential, but it needs to be handled a certain way. Before I continue, why is the whole thing centered?

Hate to say it, but there were quiite a few errors throughout, which is understandable, as this is your first story on the site. Definetley recommend finding someone to preread/edit/whatever this, which I'd totally be willing to do since I have absolutely nothing going on right now.

Anyways, good story, but needs some work to make it excellent.

Again, cheers.

~Lord of Nothing

Sargethekat84

Sargethekat84 #2 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

2564977 Thanks so much I fixed some of the problems, I can't seem to un-center
I would love for somebody to proofread this.

Lord of Nothing

Lord of Nothing #3 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

2565003

Well, like I said, I'd be willing to do it.

Silent Tortoise

Silent Tortoise #4 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

So I just read through your story and to be honest, the one word that would best describe this chapter is "rushed".
I dig that you're trying to set up the plot line quickly so that you can jump right into what I assume will be the massacre, but unfortunately, it shows in a bad kind of way. That's not to say it was all bad though; there were some things I liked about the story that I'll address at the end of the review.

Issues
First off, I noticed a number of grammar and spelling mistakes. For example:

Rainbow felt just as awkward as Appljack, they both were blushing.

Now while the odd grammar mistake is excusable, as grammar can be difficult at times, spelling mistakes are not, especially considering the fact that you have access to numerous types of word processing programs (such as Google Chrome's spellchecker, Microsoft Word, and other free word processors available online). Considering the ease at which you can access a spellchecker, the presence of spelling errors make you as a writer seem like you are either lazy, rushing, or stupid, if there are multiple, onerous spelling errors.

Second, I'd highly recommend double spacing your paragraphs. When all of the text is touching, (there are no blank spaces betwixt your paragraphs), the mind interprets it as one thick, continuous chunk of text, which is really unappealing to readers. Needless to say, that's not something you want.

Third, when Pinkie is screaming at RD, I would recommend avoiding the overuse of bold print. You can get across the fact that Pinkie is incredibly upset and screaming without caps-locking and bolding all of her lines, and personally, I feel that when the rest of the text is normal, the presence of all caps words, or bolded words really emphasizes the emotion behind it. Basically, save emphasis for the specific words that need emphasis.

Expanding upon the above point, I'd also consider rewriting what you have Pinkie say. Personally, I felt that your version of Pinkie was too inconsistent with canon MLP. I understand that Pinkie has just been "betrayed" by RD, that she's really upset and hurt, and that this is an AU fic, BUT at the same time, remember that in canon MLP, Pinkie really does not have a mean bone in her body. Even if she was actually caught in this situation in the canon universe, I highly doubt she would ever say anything like

Go die in a hole!

no matter how much she was hurting. That's not to say you need to get rid of the anger at all, but just consider rewording.

Finally, take your time. You only spent like 3-4 sentences in each scene. Again, I understand that you're trying to get into the gore, but if you're going to bother with a backstory, add details to each scene and slow down the pace a bit. By failing to do so, I felt like the story was moving way too fast (hence "rushed").

Aside from that though, it wasn't too bad a backstory for a massacre story. I thought you captured Applejack's character fairly well, and the scene where she admitted her love was funny and cute. Most importanlty though, this chapter has a lot of potential. If you took the time to properly develop your opening scenes, I feel that this could turn out to be a great story!

Best of luck on the story!
-S.T.

Sargethekat84

Sargethekat84 #5 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

2565211
Thank you
I see my mistakes and I'll work harder on fixing them.
Again, thank you for pointing things out, I will fix them right away.

Sargethekat84

Sargethekat84 #6 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

2565041 Of course!
How do I let you proof read? Sorry, newbie here...

Lord of Nothing

Lord of Nothing #7 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

2565853

I will PM you, and we'll take things from there.

Drifting Heart

Drifting Heart #8 · May 12th, 2013 · · ·

Oh it's this kinda story the story was ok but I just don't like stories where dash hurts the one she is with just to be with someone else. So I don't blame pinkie at all for being angry, I mean sure I think she can do better then dash but why does it always go down to dash hurting someone just to be with AJ? It like she doesn't care about anyone's feelings but her own. So pinkie go to twilight she certainty wont hurt you.