You need a to get a new or second editor. My mind was quite literally screaming at the many grammatical mistakes. I'm not willing to subject myself to chapter two, even though the plothook would otherwise be effective.
I've enjoyed the idea of the story,so far, very much. However it was a struggle to read as most of the descriptions used for people were excessively dull (meaning there was a lot of information about people's appearances that did not necessarily need to be there), furthermore I there were quite a few repeated grammatical errors, but those are easily fixed. That said all this story needs is a little editing to polish some of it out and it'll be pretty good.
Yeah, you may not want to thank your editor just yet. There are quite a few errors present. Some blatantly obvious while others not so much. My advice: get a new editor or read it yourself.
Reading this and at the end i was like "Oh shit...Wow...what the fuck..." Brings a whole new meaning of slaves to another race...and makes you wanna stick a flag up a ponies ass and claim it with the title on the flag "Gonna eat shit." Well that's me...AND god damn i wonder if the mane 6 and the princess allows this. To enslave humans and treat them like dirt. Did they deserve it? Well a ponies suffer the same fate or be wiped from history? Are other races treated the same as humans? Will they destroy the planet, glass it, bomb it, or reform it?
All these question is what keeping me, waiting for the next chapter. I look forward for this has really got me going. Though their was small mistakes but i understood. Don't work too hard for i really want to see your world in your eyes.
An Admiral named Anderson in a story about interstellar travel and several young races about to be destroyed by single powerful one? And it isn't shit! I think I'm going to like this one.
Well, this certainly started off fast. A few pointers:
Imagine you and I are people living on another planet, in the same universe/setting that this story takes place in. Now, we hear some strange rumors circulating around about activities that the government is looking into, but we don't really notice or care; after all, when doesn't the government have some problems it needs to look into? So, all is normal, when suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, our president sends a message out to every planet in our alliance, saying that we've met intelligent life, don't like what they're doing, and now we're declaring war on them. And we just nonchalantly give our blessings for the invasion of a sovereign species? ... What?
I appreciate your idea and plot, but the politics/planning/everything that the government does in reaction to this finding is absolutely backass-wards wrong.
If I were a ship captain, I wouldn't refuse to give my report/disembark my crew. I'd get court martialed, regardless of what information I had. The captain is behaving very OOC for a navy captain.
Why is everyone so fucking angry/horrified/surprised at their find? Yeah, finding humans on another planet is pretty big, but even in the future, it's not gonna be some 1984/Brave New World-esque utopian society where nothing bad ever happens to anyone. Yeah, subjugation of people is wrong, but it still happens everyday here in the modern world, and I'd bet money I don't have that it'd be the same in the future.
Why is the government releasing extremely confidential footage of an alien species? Is it just to rile up the population? Because you're doing it all wrong. During WWII, the US had information regarding the death camps in Germany and Poland, and they certainly didn't release it just to get the population riled up for war.
Lets face it. War in this is unnecessary. If you just discovered an alien species, and they did something you found repulsive, would you immediately declare war on them? No. To us, North Korea might be a backwater totalitarian regime that horribly indoctrinates and brainwashes its population, but we don't declare war on them just because of that. If the TSA came upon Equestria manhandling men (apologies for the pun) and women for slave labor, there would be sanctions, embargoes, no-fly zones, support of a human insurrection, diplomatic pressure , every method short of war. Politics, bureaucracy, and diplomacy would have carried the day. War isn't just something you declare in the heat of the moment.
Speaking of war, it goes against every piece of common sense to immediately declare war on someone that you've just met, and know nothing about.
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle”
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War Months, if not years, would be spent analyzing Equestria, it's inhabitants, abilities, defenses, culture, language, everything, until each soldier went into that battlefield knowing everything possible about the species they've attacked. If they're 500 years in the future, they can certainly afford the time and expense.
Do you honestly expect every person in human controlled space to feel righteous and enthusiastic about declaring war on an alien species that they'd known existed for all of two minutes? Several hundred billion people aren't mindless jingoists, after all. Most, if not all of the population, would raise holy hell, demanding that the government tell them what hell was going on, being that they've randomly declared war on another species. No matter how horrible that classified, top-secret, highly sensitive government recording was (still wondering why they released highly classified files to the public. There is no logical reason why they should. No amount of popular support is worth it.), there would still be people (probably everyone in the TSA) second guessing this nuclear bombshell of a war.
Unyielding Heirophant
I don't care how or why you ripped this straight from Halo: First Strike, but no sensible captain, designer, or manufacturer would choose this name for a human vessel. The Covenant only chose it because, well, they're a bunch of religious fanatics, and 90% of what they do makes no sense anyway.
Insurrection? More Halo ripoffs. If I wanted to see Halo, I'd go read a crossover.
Why does humanity need such a large standing army? According to you, they haven't been at war for some time now. They shouldn't need several billion troops actively at arms. Are people in the future just that paranoid? Or is this some convenient plot device so that the author can explain away the human's tremendous might? I wonder...
When the humans inevitably invade, I expect an absolute victory on the part of the humans. Several billion humans, with naval and logistical support, is enough to conquer several star systems, let alone some moderately sized nation on a small world. There shouldn't be any surprises from the Equestrians, no heroic defense that stubbornly holds an obnoxiously large number of humans back. In reality, it would be like several thousand humans stepping on an ant all at once. I don't care how strong, how powerful, how intelligent and cunning it is compared to all the other ants, it will be wiped off the face of the earth. And no bullshitting me with the Princesses and their Uber-magic. If Celestia can be immobilized by a single blast from Chrysalis's horn, then she will be wiped to oblivion when billions of human troops come to tango. No special surprises like superbombs, plagues, Sonic Rainbooms, etc. should be used as a mutually assured destruction method. Such objects/threats should have been detected and neutralized (Take a look above again)
If you end up going through with this invasion, there will be no time for an Equestrian response. Imagine you, a pony, living your daily life, apparently abusing the despicable humans for fun, when suddenly billions of humans appear out of nowhere, all armed to the teeth with technology you can't even begin to comprehend, and all gunning for your hide. Doesn't look too good, does it? That's what will happen, but all over Equestria. The country will fall in a matter of minutes. It will be the fasted curbstomping ever. That is the only logical course of action that should take place. And it is what I expect to happen.
Bear in mind, this was written before I could read chapter two. My views may change depending on what I read, but if you don't like what I have to say, then fix it. You've shown yourself to be a semi-competent writer, but you're going off a hackneyed plot. Revise, review, and rewrite. Do that, and this story will be all the better for it.
Also I am kind of excited for this, though you really need a new editor man.
Your first chapter had a good hook and did a good job at getting the tension flowing. Those errors though, you really need to read over your chapters several times yourself and take pride in the material you put out.
I gotta agree with 2759045 on pretty much everything there. The premise of this story is just dumb.
I also feel the need to reinforce of his points about war on the ponies. It will not be a war, it will simply be murder, extortion, and possibly genocide. Considering the capabilities that you described humanity as having they could simply launch a bunch of rocks at the planet from a few AU away from the planet and it would be rendered uninhabitable. Never mind the weapons capabilities.
The tiny amount of evidence they use to justify the war is absolutely ridiculous as well. While historically wars have been started for all sorts of reasons it is becoming increasingly harder and more complex to start a war for ANY reason. Even genocide has tended to only start conflict between two localized groups. While out here in the west World War Two is commonly thought of when one thinks of genocide but you are kidding yourself if you think that is the reason nearly the whole world went to war. Most of the time the genocide was ( and still is to some extent) disgustingly used as propaganda. Just consider how much apathy the world reacted with to such atrocities in South America, Africa, and the Middle East. Having hundreds of billions of people go into rage at a video like that? Ridiculous.
One could also conclude that the education level of humanity's empire is severely lacking as well. You should know that the possibility of life being out there is pretty high. The odds of that life being found among the massive universe is pretty low and that is without considering a temporal difference. Considering these odds it is most likely that any piece of alien biology would be coveted and treasured by the populace unless it has capabilities equalling or surpassing ours.
The writing style was inconsistent and while the work is original it is very bland and borrows far too heavily from other sci-fi works. I really suggest getting another editor as well because it felt like the story wasn't even proof read at some point.
Send the frakking Space Marines, Chaos Marines, Vraks, Commissars, Spartans, ODSTs, Gears or Cogs, Cylons, N7s, Master Chief, Cap'n Hook, Shepard, Starbuck, Darth Vader, Ghost, Raiden, and every frakking battleship worth its merit to the planet to vaporize all teh haters! Even throw in a full Waagh in there!
The main one being syntax errors, a lot of them.This has probably already been said, but you really need to make your editor go over this again. Or maybe twice more. Just saying it again, the syntax needs work.
The second, is it really so horrific? I mean, humans enslaved other humans for countless years. We came to our senses eventually. We still enslave other races for their own uses, and technically we used to enslave horses for work purposes. If these humans are exactly what they look like, hairless monkeys with intelligence to match, then full-on war is just epic-level butthurt. If the ponies saw earth, what would they find? Humans breeding horses for genetic traits. Some being eaten. Others being worked. They're dumb animals here. So be it. Some people beat their animals, because they have mental issues, bad upbringing, or the beating is mild and used for encouragement. I.e. riding crops. I really don't see why they didn't investigate further.
I'm willing to say these humans could use a history lesson or far more information on this.
I might reverse the decision later, but I'm leaving this with a favorite and a downvote. I don't like what I've seen, but there are enough ways to improve that I feel you deserve another chapter or two to explain. I'll be waiting and hopefully I won't be disappointed. Keep writing, but try to think this out a little better.
2760618 they did 1000 hours of recon. that's a hell of a lot of investigating. sure there was no sound but equipping probes with audio sensors would be frivolous as 70% of all sensory input is from our eyes anyway. Besides can you really blame them? first race they see is bucking a kid in the chest. you normally wouldn't bring that kind of stuff to the public because they would have the most irrational, virulent response. sides they just ran outta wars to fight and were probably getting bored anyway, good a reason to fight a war as any
First, you made the feature box if you didn't know.
Second, your grammar sucks, but I'm bearing it because I think this story is so awesome. I will definately keep reading, and if you need editing help, you can contact me or any of the numerous people offering their services below.
Finally, you can't move a garrison because a garrison is a body of troops stationed at a certain place. For example, the garrison at Forces Base Trenton. You could move the divisions, regiments, battalions and companies stationed in those garrisons, however. This one isn't that important, just bothers me a bit.
"Let's go to war with a entire population with the power to move our entire planet in the wink of an eye and rip us limb from limb at a momments notice! That's a great idea, right?" Yeah no, that's not gonna happen mate, you're forcing it out of it's own body. This is how humans work: We fear the unknown, we will not act on minor actions, we also wanna avoid casualties when possible and we want to find out almost everything we can if we're forced to go to war with someone, we're also creatures of chaos so it'll be fun to see how discord reacts to this. Also, once an unknown creature enters Equestria, it's most possible that the equestrians will welcome the humans with open hoofs, how ever, once they open fire, that's the end of humanity in a whole, Celestia herself can wreck all of those ships, if she needs to, she'll whack them with the sun itself. Not to mention Luna, she can easily destroy those ships, and once you anger the Mane Six, you're practically fucked anyways. And if I want too, I can also point out why this story have more holes than swish cheese. What you're striding after is a full-out war with an unknown species just because you watched a video? And why wasn't the president worries about information that came from the captain of a fleet HE commanded was handed out to a lesser ranked person? Shouldn't that cost the captains his job? Also, it's quite obvious that you don't really understand your own story, at least I think so (I read a lot.) You're also kinda rushing it, this is a prelude and you're already excluding any hope for peace? Also, if that 'President' is a decent leader he'll uncover the situation as a whole before doing ANYTHING against the equestrians, because who knows - Maybe those humans did something horrible that caused them that fate? You're under-thinking things, you don't realize how we work, and you can't see past the fog of your own mind. This ain't gonna be pretty.
2759045 I almost agree with you, Celestia is a ruler with thousands of years of knowledge, She may not have seen a threat like THIS before, but let's face it, she have the ability to mane an STAR, Even if you pick up all humans in the universe, it will still not add up to the weight of a star, Celestia will also play this smart, and if all comes down to it - Have discord turn all humans into chocolate / similarities, Remember - Celestia may appear nice on the outside, and maybe a little on the inside, but she'll do ANYTHING that's for the better good of the equestrians. Think about it, she sent her own sister to the moon because she became corrupt! Which should also be taken into account: The Mane Six, if the Elements of Harmony were able to turn Discord, A creature of chaos, into pure stone, why would Humans, fellow creatures of chaos, not be turned into stone? Also, I should mention, due to the fact that ponies like Rainbow Dash exists that can fly ten times the speed of sound, they won't be able to shoot her down. Don't forget the Royal Guard, many may just be swords and armor, but don't forget Magic and Arrows. Also: TWILIGHT GATLING GUN OF PURE DESTRUCTION! Let's face it, you all know it would happen eventually. Don't try to deny the fact that a population like 'Equestria' would, without a problem, destroy humans, if forced that is. Also, I think Lyra will die of an heartattack. Not to talk about the other ponies, I mean really - There must be more talented ponies than just Twilight. And then we have the Diamond Dogs, who would not approve of this situation, same with Dragons and Changelings. Btw: I won't read the next chapter, this fanfiction got a 'Mature' and 'Gore' tag, which is more than engouh for me to know roughly what happens. Thanks and bye, I think I just wasted a lot of time writing this.
2765048>>2765084You say the ponies could kick these humans asses? What the hell are you smoking? In our current time, we have bombs to wipe entire countries off the map. This is in the future, with advanced weaponry, tactics, and standing armies. As 2759045 said, it would be the fastest curbstomping ever. We have sheer numbers, far superior technology, and the brainpower to back it up.
You say Celestia has uber-magic? I say we just toss in some aerosol flesh eating bacteria. Magic won't stop her flesh from melting off her bones.
You say ponies can fly faster than the speed of sound? First off, only Rainbow Dash has proven to do that, and she just barely breaks the sound barrier. All you'd need is a heat seeking missile or two and it would blow her out of the sky eventually. Living organisms get tired, heat tracking missiles don't.
You argue that the Royal Guard can actually do something? The hell is an arrow going to do against armor harder than titanium? What's magic going to do? The only way magic could hurt the humans is if they ripped them apart. And let's face it, ponies are bigger pussies than Hitler.
Humanity would destroy Equestria in the blink of an eye. They wouldn't even know what hit them before they're all literally dust in the wind.
The argument starts to fall flat on its face the moment you try to compare actual celestial bodies to what Equestria has. Equestria is a geocentric system. The sun moves around it. We already know why this is impossible, even if celestia could move the sun the laws of physics say that the planet would still orbit the star even as said star moves. The only way around it would be if celestia kept the planet stationary while moving the star. Way too much is wrong for you to say anything conclusive about controlling astral bodies as we understand them.
The day night cycle is wrong.
The way seasons work is work.
Gravity and tides are wrong.
From everything I've seen in FiM what they have as a sun and moon are much less massive than what we have. the is 'sun' is probably less massive than the planet and the moon is so small that it doesn't affect tides at all.
According to Luna it is difficult to move the moon from its natural orbit, so much so that it's probably impractical to do so for any purpose.
With what's been shown, it's much easier to buy that they influence the movement speed of these small satellites. It just doesn't seem like they control the sun and moon like yo yos on a string.
Pretty good so far, but you have some rather obvious spelling and grammar errors. I do like the story quite a bit though, I'll be keeping my eye on this.
While I'm all for a good curbstomp, I feel humanity should free the slaves without war. Why? To me it would be glorious to read about aliens being forced by an advanced civilization, of what they consider animals at best, to submit to their demands. Also you need a whole lot more justification to go to war. A single Highly classified video (which the public shouldn't have seen until decades after everything was said and done) is not a good reason to go to war.
Why do I have the feeling the ship's name was inspired by a certain book? But if that's the case, it... "Don't look like any 'Uneven Elephant' to me."
Eh, swing and a miss for me. Nothing glaringly wrong, nothing glaringly interesting. Probably a case of too much too soon, I think.
How did anyone get through this?
You need a to get a new or second editor. My mind was quite literally screaming at the many grammatical mistakes. I'm not willing to subject myself to chapter two, even though the plothook would otherwise be effective.
I've enjoyed the idea of the story,so far, very much. However it was a struggle to read as most of the descriptions used for people were excessively dull (meaning there was a lot of information about people's appearances that did not necessarily need to be there), furthermore I there were quite a few repeated grammatical errors, but those are easily fixed. That said all this story needs is a little editing to polish some of it out and it'll be pretty good.
Yeah, you may not want to thank your editor just yet. There are quite a few errors present. Some blatantly obvious while others not so much. My advice: get a new editor or read it yourself.
Well Celestia you just messed with wrong race you xenophobic bastereds well come to the Revolshen
Good stuff, need moar!
I like the idea, but you really need to do more editing. This was painful to read through with what felt like more errors than correct sentences.
God Yes!!!!!! Give me more!!!!
2756582
"It looks more like two squids kissing..."
I think maybe you need a new editor. I was seeing mistakes everywhere. But I'm liking the story.
Great idea with lots of potential, could use a lil bit of polish here and there though.
-Mis
Love to see this finished
Reading this and at the end i was like "Oh shit...Wow...what the fuck..." Brings a whole new meaning of slaves to another race...and makes you wanna stick a flag up a ponies ass and claim it with the title on the flag "Gonna eat shit." Well that's me...AND god damn i wonder if the mane 6 and the princess allows this. To enslave humans and treat them like dirt. Did they deserve it? Well a ponies suffer the same fate or be wiped from history? Are other races treated the same as humans? Will they destroy the planet, glass it, bomb it, or reform it?
All these question is what keeping me, waiting for the next chapter. I look forward for this has really got me going. Though their was small mistakes but i understood. Don't work too hard for i really want to see your world in your eyes.
Take care and...
Mahalo.
need to fix quite a few grammar mistakes but other than that this is very good
can't FUCKING WAIT
Very interesting, I like it so far and good luck with the next chapter! Some errors I noticed though
awed should be awe I think.
Sapphires are blue
Missing space and capital letter after the period also is 'it' supposed to be it's?
'pones' supposed to be ponies?
'plaguing' supposed to be pledging?
Wow I should never be an editor I didn't notice any problems.
SPACE AMERICA FUCK YEAH!!!!
Good idea but it really needs some polish, and I don't mean the "light bulb joke" kind.
An Admiral named Anderson in a story about interstellar travel and several young races about to be destroyed by single powerful one?
And it isn't shit!
I think I'm going to like this one.
Well, this certainly started off fast. A few pointers:
Imagine you and I are people living on another planet, in the same universe/setting that this story takes place in. Now, we hear some strange rumors circulating around about activities that the government is looking into, but we don't really notice or care; after all, when doesn't the government have some problems it needs to look into?
So, all is normal, when suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, our president sends a message out to every planet in our alliance, saying that we've met intelligent life, don't like what they're doing, and now we're declaring war on them. And we just nonchalantly give our blessings for the invasion of a sovereign species?
...
What?
I appreciate your idea and plot, but the politics/planning/everything that the government does in reaction to this finding is absolutely backass-wards wrong.
If I were a ship captain, I wouldn't refuse to give my report/disembark my crew. I'd get court martialed, regardless of what information I had. The captain is behaving very OOC for a navy captain.
Why is everyone so fucking angry/horrified/surprised at their find? Yeah, finding humans on another planet is pretty big, but even in the future, it's not gonna be some 1984/Brave New World-esque utopian society where nothing bad ever happens to anyone. Yeah, subjugation of people is wrong, but it still happens everyday here in the modern world, and I'd bet money I don't have that it'd be the same in the future.
Why is the government releasing extremely confidential footage of an alien species? Is it just to rile up the population? Because you're doing it all wrong. During WWII, the US had information regarding the death camps in Germany and Poland, and they certainly didn't release it just to get the population riled up for war.
Lets face it. War in this is unnecessary. If you just discovered an alien species, and they did something you found repulsive, would you immediately declare war on them? No. To us, North Korea might be a backwater totalitarian regime that horribly indoctrinates and brainwashes its population, but we don't declare war on them just because of that. If the TSA came upon Equestria manhandling men (apologies for the pun) and women for slave labor, there would be sanctions, embargoes, no-fly zones, support of a human insurrection, diplomatic pressure , every method short of war. Politics, bureaucracy, and diplomacy would have carried the day. War isn't just something you declare in the heat of the moment.
Speaking of war, it goes against every piece of common sense to immediately declare war on someone that you've just met, and know nothing about.
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Months, if not years, would be spent analyzing Equestria, it's inhabitants, abilities, defenses, culture, language, everything, until each soldier went into that battlefield knowing everything possible about the species they've attacked. If they're 500 years in the future, they can certainly afford the time and expense.
Do you honestly expect every person in human controlled space to feel righteous and enthusiastic about declaring war on an alien species that they'd known existed for all of two minutes? Several hundred billion people aren't mindless jingoists, after all. Most, if not all of the population, would raise holy hell, demanding that the government tell them what hell was going on, being that they've randomly declared war on another species. No matter how horrible that classified, top-secret, highly sensitive government recording was (still wondering why they released highly classified files to the public. There is no logical reason why they should. No amount of popular support is worth it.), there would still be people (probably everyone in the TSA) second guessing this nuclear bombshell of a war.
I don't care how or why you ripped this straight from Halo: First Strike, but no sensible captain, designer, or manufacturer would choose this name for a human vessel. The Covenant only chose it because, well, they're a bunch of religious fanatics, and 90% of what they do makes no sense anyway.
Insurrection? More Halo ripoffs. If I wanted to see Halo, I'd go read a crossover.
Why does humanity need such a large standing army? According to you, they haven't been at war for some time now. They shouldn't need several billion troops actively at arms. Are people in the future just that paranoid? Or is this some convenient plot device so that the author can explain away the human's tremendous might? I wonder...
When the humans inevitably invade, I expect an absolute victory on the part of the humans. Several billion humans, with naval and logistical support, is enough to conquer several star systems, let alone some moderately sized nation on a small world. There shouldn't be any surprises from the Equestrians, no heroic defense that stubbornly holds an obnoxiously large number of humans back. In reality, it would be like several thousand humans stepping on an ant all at once. I don't care how strong, how powerful, how intelligent and cunning it is compared to all the other ants, it will be wiped off the face of the earth. And no bullshitting me with the Princesses and their Uber-magic. If Celestia can be immobilized by a single blast from Chrysalis's horn, then she will be wiped to oblivion when billions of human troops come to tango. No special surprises like superbombs, plagues, Sonic Rainbooms, etc. should be used as a mutually assured destruction method. Such objects/threats should have been detected and neutralized (Take a look above again)
If you end up going through with this invasion, there will be no time for an Equestrian response. Imagine you, a pony, living your daily life, apparently abusing the despicable humans for fun, when suddenly billions of humans appear out of nowhere, all armed to the teeth with technology you can't even begin to comprehend, and all gunning for your hide. Doesn't look too good, does it? That's what will happen, but all over Equestria. The country will fall in a matter of minutes. It will be the fasted curbstomping ever. That is the only logical course of action that should take place. And it is what I expect to happen.
Bear in mind, this was written before I could read chapter two. My views may change depending on what I read, but if you don't like what I have to say, then fix it. You've shown yourself to be a semi-competent writer, but you're going off a hackneyed plot. Revise, review, and rewrite. Do that, and this story will be all the better for it.
I won't beat a dead horse (pun not intended), and just say this interesting story instead. I look forward to seeing more.
2758775
MERIKA!!!
Also I am kind of excited for this, though you really need a new editor man.
Your first chapter had a good hook and did a good job at getting the tension flowing. Those errors though, you really need to read over your chapters several times yourself and take pride in the material you put out.
Overall I'm lovin it.
2759080
Hey look who it is! *We meet again!* (insert terrible fake Italian accent here.)
Interesting...
More please
I gotta agree with 2759045 on pretty much everything there. The premise of this story is just dumb.
I also feel the need to reinforce of his points about war on the ponies. It will not be a war, it will simply be murder, extortion, and possibly genocide. Considering the capabilities that you described humanity as having they could simply launch a bunch of rocks at the planet from a few AU away from the planet and it would be rendered uninhabitable. Never mind the weapons capabilities.
The tiny amount of evidence they use to justify the war is absolutely ridiculous as well. While historically wars have been started for all sorts of reasons it is becoming increasingly harder and more complex to start a war for ANY reason. Even genocide has tended to only start conflict between two localized groups. While out here in the west World War Two is commonly thought of when one thinks of genocide but you are kidding yourself if you think that is the reason nearly the whole world went to war. Most of the time the genocide was ( and still is to some extent) disgustingly used as propaganda. Just consider how much apathy the world reacted with to such atrocities in South America, Africa, and the Middle East. Having hundreds of billions of people go into rage at a video like that? Ridiculous.
One could also conclude that the education level of humanity's empire is severely lacking as well. You should know that the possibility of life being out there is pretty high. The odds of that life being found among the massive universe is pretty low and that is without considering a temporal difference. Considering these odds it is most likely that any piece of alien biology would be coveted and treasured by the populace unless it has capabilities equalling or surpassing ours.
The writing style was inconsistent and while the work is original it is very bland and borrows far too heavily from other sci-fi works. I really suggest getting another editor as well because it felt like the story wasn't even proof read at some point.
then they glass the planet, DA END.
Send the frakking Space Marines, Chaos Marines, Vraks, Commissars, Spartans, ODSTs, Gears or Cogs, Cylons, N7s, Master Chief, Cap'n Hook, Shepard, Starbuck, Darth Vader, Ghost, Raiden, and every frakking battleship worth its merit to the planet to vaporize all teh haters! Even throw in a full Waagh in there!
Eh, not really.
One word: Exterminatus
THis story. It awakens patriotic humanism in me. MOAR!
2759045
This really covers it all.
Mind you, it's seemingly likely shenanigans of some kind are afoot here, since obviously ponies + humans have never mixed in-show before, but still.
I've just read the first chapter and it looks awesome. Can't wait to see the next one
I admittedly had some problems with this.
The main one being syntax errors, a lot of them.This has probably already been said, but you really need to make your editor go over this again. Or maybe twice more. Just saying it again, the syntax needs work.
The second, is it really so horrific? I mean, humans enslaved other humans for countless years. We came to our senses eventually. We still enslave other races for their own uses, and technically we used to enslave horses for work purposes. If these humans are exactly what they look like, hairless monkeys with intelligence to match, then full-on war is just epic-level butthurt. If the ponies saw earth, what would they find? Humans breeding horses for genetic traits. Some being eaten. Others being worked. They're dumb animals here. So be it. Some people beat their animals, because they have mental issues, bad upbringing, or the beating is mild and used for encouragement. I.e. riding crops. I really don't see why they didn't investigate further.
I'm willing to say these humans could use a history lesson or far more information on this.
I might reverse the decision later, but I'm leaving this with a favorite and a downvote. I don't like what I've seen, but there are enough ways to improve that I feel you deserve another chapter or two to explain. I'll be waiting and hopefully I won't be disappointed. Keep writing, but try to think this out a little better.
Welp
They're fucked
Like, super fucked
Railgun-cannon-penis fucked
So long Equestria, you lived a relatively peaceful life.
2760618 they did 1000 hours of recon. that's a hell of a lot of investigating. sure there was no sound but equipping probes with audio sensors would be frivolous as 70% of all sensory input is from our eyes anyway. Besides can you really blame them? first race they see is bucking a kid in the chest. you normally wouldn't bring that kind of stuff to the public because they would have the most irrational, virulent response. sides they just ran outta wars to fight and were probably getting bored anyway, good a reason to fight a war as any
I've got 3 things to tell you.
1. Fire your editor, and hire a new one. I saw so many errors that this almost became unreadable.
2.
That should say 'along'.
I caught this one error.
3. I thoroughly enjoy the idea of humankind fighting Equestria.
P.S. I can help with editing if you need it.
First, you made the feature box if you didn't know.
Second, your grammar sucks, but I'm bearing it because I think this story is so awesome. I will definately keep reading, and if you need editing help, you can contact me or any of the numerous people offering their services below.
Finally, you can't move a garrison because a garrison is a body of troops stationed at a certain place. For example, the garrison at Forces Base Trenton. You could move the divisions, regiments, battalions and companies stationed in those garrisons, however. This one isn't that important, just bothers me a bit.
I picture it now, ODST style troopers coming in and shootin up da ponies
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"Let's go to war with a entire population with the power to move our entire planet in the wink of an eye and rip us limb from limb at a momments notice! That's a great idea, right?" Yeah no, that's not gonna happen mate, you're forcing it out of it's own body.
This is how humans work: We fear the unknown, we will not act on minor actions, we also wanna avoid casualties when possible and we want to find out almost everything we can if we're forced to go to war with someone, we're also creatures of chaos so it'll be fun to see how discord reacts to this.
Also, once an unknown creature enters Equestria, it's most possible that the equestrians will welcome the humans with open hoofs, how ever, once they open fire, that's the end of humanity in a whole, Celestia herself can wreck all of those ships, if she needs to, she'll whack them with the sun itself.
Not to mention Luna, she can easily destroy those ships, and once you anger the Mane Six, you're practically fucked anyways.
And if I want too, I can also point out why this story have more holes than swish cheese.
What you're striding after is a full-out war with an unknown species just because you watched a video?
And why wasn't the president worries about information that came from the captain of a fleet HE commanded was handed out to a lesser ranked person?
Shouldn't that cost the captains his job?
Also, it's quite obvious that you don't really understand your own story, at least I think so (I read a lot.)
You're also kinda rushing it, this is a prelude and you're already excluding any hope for peace? Also, if that 'President' is a decent leader he'll uncover the situation as a whole before doing ANYTHING against the equestrians, because who knows - Maybe those humans did something horrible that caused them that fate? You're under-thinking things, you don't realize how we work, and you can't see past the fog of your own mind.
This ain't gonna be pretty.
2759045 I almost agree with you, Celestia is a ruler with thousands of years of knowledge, She may not have seen a threat like THIS before, but let's face it, she have the ability to mane an STAR, Even if you pick up all humans in the universe, it will still not add up to the weight of a star, Celestia will also play this smart, and if all comes down to it - Have discord turn all humans into chocolate / similarities, Remember - Celestia may appear nice on the outside, and maybe a little on the inside, but she'll do ANYTHING that's for the better good of the equestrians.
Think about it, she sent her own sister to the moon because she became corrupt!
Which should also be taken into account: The Mane Six, if the Elements of Harmony were able to turn Discord, A creature of chaos, into pure stone, why would Humans, fellow creatures of chaos, not be turned into stone?
Also, I should mention, due to the fact that ponies like Rainbow Dash exists that can fly ten times the speed of sound, they won't be able to shoot her down.
Don't forget the Royal Guard, many may just be swords and armor, but don't forget Magic and Arrows.
Also: TWILIGHT GATLING GUN OF PURE DESTRUCTION! Let's face it, you all know it would happen eventually.
Don't try to deny the fact that a population like 'Equestria' would, without a problem, destroy humans, if forced that is.
Also, I think Lyra will die of an heartattack.
Not to talk about the other ponies, I mean really - There must be more talented ponies than just Twilight.
And then we have the Diamond Dogs, who would not approve of this situation, same with Dragons and Changelings.
Btw: I won't read the next chapter, this fanfiction got a 'Mature' and 'Gore' tag, which is more than engouh for me to know roughly what happens.
Thanks and bye, I think I just wasted a lot of time writing this.
2765048>>2765084You say the ponies could kick these humans asses? What the hell are you smoking? In our current time, we have bombs to wipe entire countries off the map. This is in the future, with advanced weaponry, tactics, and standing armies. As 2759045 said, it would be the fastest curbstomping ever. We have sheer numbers, far superior technology, and the brainpower to back it up.
You say Celestia has uber-magic? I say we just toss in some aerosol flesh eating bacteria. Magic won't stop her flesh from melting off her bones.
You say ponies can fly faster than the speed of sound? First off, only Rainbow Dash has proven to do that, and she just barely breaks the sound barrier. All you'd need is a heat seeking missile or two and it would blow her out of the sky eventually. Living organisms get tired, heat tracking missiles don't.
You argue that the Royal Guard can actually do something? The hell is an arrow going to do against armor harder than titanium? What's magic going to do? The only way magic could hurt the humans is if they ripped them apart. And let's face it, ponies are bigger pussies than Hitler.
Humanity would destroy Equestria in the blink of an eye. They wouldn't even know what hit them before they're all literally dust in the wind.
2765048
The argument starts to fall flat on its face the moment you try to compare actual celestial bodies to what Equestria has. Equestria is a geocentric system. The sun moves around it. We already know why this is impossible, even if celestia could move the sun the laws of physics say that the planet would still orbit the star even as said star moves. The only way around it would be if celestia kept the planet stationary while moving the star. Way too much is wrong for you to say anything conclusive about controlling astral bodies as we understand them.
The day night cycle is wrong.
The way seasons work is work.
Gravity and tides are wrong.
From everything I've seen in FiM what they have as a sun and moon are much less massive than what we have. the is 'sun' is probably less massive than the planet and the moon is so small that it doesn't affect tides at all.
According to Luna it is difficult to move the moon from its natural orbit, so much so that it's probably impractical to do so for any purpose.
With what's been shown, it's much easier to buy that they influence the movement speed of these small satellites. It just doesn't seem like they control the sun and moon like yo yos on a string.
Pretty good so far, but you have some rather obvious spelling and grammar errors. I do like the story quite a bit though, I'll be keeping my eye on this.
2760025 If you don't like it, then don't read it.
Can't wait for more of this. Like and fav You really need to read through there are a lot of errors everywhere.
GOOD STORY, MUST READ
While I'm all for a good curbstomp, I feel humanity should free the slaves without war. Why? To me it would be glorious to read about aliens being forced by an advanced civilization, of what they consider animals at best, to submit to their demands. Also you need a whole lot more justification to go to war. A single Highly classified video (which the public shouldn't have seen until decades after everything was said and done) is not a good reason to go to war.