1 - First Contact
"What do you mean, my insurance doesn't cover meteors? Like, the spaghetti not being included makes sense, but that was a freak incident! Do you have any idea how many meteors hit Equestria every day? Don't hang up on me-"
Twilight sighed as the communication line went dead, her horn sparking defiantly as it tried to regain the connection. She wiped her sleep-tossed hair away from her eyes with the back of a hoof and resisted the urge to fall asleep on her hooves.
"I told you it wasn't included." Spike piped up from behind her, wiping ashy dust off of his bed.
"I'm a Princess! My insurance should cover everything I could want it to! I'm going to have a talk with Celestia about this..." She stomped a hoof in frustration, making the wooden floorboards sag alarmingly.
The shift in balance brought Twilight back to the more urgent situation; the gaping hole that led directly through the leaves above, down into her bedroom, through the floorboards into the library, and ended quite suddenly in the darkness of the basement below. She lifted her hoof quickly, as if moving it back would put the floor back, and cautiously flapped up to the edge of the jagged hole.
"Spike, I'm going to go see if there's anything down there. Don't follow me."
Spike snorted. "The basement gives me the heebie-jeebies. You're on your own."
Rolling her eyes, Twilight began a slow hover down into the hole. The rest of the library was still dark, as she didn't want to turn any lights on where the wiring might be damaged. She focused her magic at the tip of her horn, creating a small orb of purple light. As she passed through the next ring of the hole, she could see at least two dozen books torn up by the impact, a few stray pages still drifting around as she flapped her wings.
The whirling pages landed alongside her as she settled her hooves on the cold cement floor of the basement. She titled her head back, seeing the stars glittering through the top of the hole. A shiver ran down her spine, but she brightened her horn's light and shook it off.
"Let's see where it landed," she muttered to herself, taking flight again to make sure she didn't stumble over anything in the dark. Her horn cast eerie shadows across the small room, and she once again got the sense that she was not alone. She tore her eyes away from the edges of the room, focusing on the ground and the path of debris that the meteor had left as it bounced away from the impact zone.
Her chills getting worse, she began to speed up, glancing around as she flew past to try and figure out where the path ended. She breathed a sigh of relief as she saw an upturned box pressed up against the wall, papers and shreds of cardboard scattered around.
She landed carefully in front of the large box, her light dimming as she changed her focus towards clearing the debris. The papers flew away around her in a single pulse of magic, leaving the cardboard box empty save for one thing...
...a pony.
Twilight bit back a screech of horror, quickly grabbing the pony in her magic and teleporting back up to her bedroom. She quickly wove a magical net over the hole in the floor so that it wouldn't collapse any further and then turned to investigating her strange visitor.
"Spike, go to the hospital and get them to send somepony out here."
The young dragon scurried out of the room, glancing curiously at the pony as he passed. Twilight's horn glowed as she checked the pony for any major injuries.
Whoever this pony was, they were a pegasus. One of their wings was twisted at an awkward angle, probably broken, and the other was folded up against their side. Even at a glance, Twilight could see that their wings were much larger than most pegasi; it appeared as if they were nearly as big as Celestia's. Her coat was a pale yellow, blackened with ash and dirt. They had deep cuts on their knees and chest, and smaller scratches over most of their body. Their mane and tail were blackened at the tips as if burned, and as Twilight shifted the light caught a few strands so they glittered like starlight.
She was still breathing, though, and seemed in stable enough condition. Twilight sat up and teleported down to the main floor, prepared to teleport the doctor up to her bedroom floor.
She flinched as another Pegasus slammed the door open, hauling a bulging bag up the stairs. The flash of blue in the darkness made the identity all too recognizable.
"Rainbow Dash!"
"Technically I knocked!" She yelled down, returning to the main floor one bag lighter. "The knock was just the sound of the door on the wall this time."
"That doesn't count," Twilight sighed. "Where's Spike?"
"I passed him on the way here. I saw some flaming thing hit your house while I was practicing my epic cloud spin moves and I wanted to see if it was something cool."
"It's not cool! There's an injured pony in my house who I've never seen before!"
Rainbow tapped her chin with her hoof. "I think Blossomforth was inviting some family in for a party this weekend, so maybe it's one of them. She couldn't stop showing me pictures of them. Where is this pony?"
"Up in my room. Watch out for the holes."
"Wings," Rainbow called over her shoulder as she flew up the stairs.
Twilight turned back as Spike ducked through the door, followed closely by Nurse Redheart. Twilight quickly teleported the three of them into her room, narrowly avoiding Rainbow as she flew up the stairs.
Nurse Redheart trotted up to the unconscious pony as Twilight set to giving Rainbow a lecture about flight safety. She quickly set their broken wing and wrapped up the worst of their scrapes. She had just started cleaning the smaller wounds when the pony let out a yelp of pain and sat up.
The pony stared down at Redheart, their eyes wide with panic and breathing fast. They moved their wings to take flight, but the bandaged one refused to move free and the other was so disheveled that the air whistled out around its feathers. They backed up against the wall, wincing as the bandages rubbed around their injuries.
"Where am I?!" They shouted, glancing between the four ponies in the room. "How come I can't fly?!"
"I found you in my basement," Twilight began gently. "I think you must have crashed into my house."
The pony looked up, seeing the sky through the hole in the ceiling. Their eyes glittered with starlight for a moment before they looked back at Twilight.
Twilight flinched as she got her first good look at the mystery pony's eyes; they were pure gold, seeming to glow and shift like embers. She wasn't sure how she knew the pony was looking at her, as their eyes lacked any whites or pupils, but she felt as if this pony could see into her very core.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle!" The pony said suddenly, getting to their hooves. "I am so sorry for crashing into your castle!"
"Castle? How do you know my name?"
The pony blinked, startled. "You are the ruler of my people. Have I not committed a great crime by intruding on your abode?"
"The ruler of your people?" Twilight replied, her ears pricked. "Who are you?"
The pony bowed, their mane and tail taking on a glittery sheen as they drifted into the starlight. "I am Antares, leader of the Scorpius starponies."
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Oh my...
Please give us more. This made me
Please, continue. This is an interesting concept. I think I like it. We will see if it is worth a like later down the line. So keep up the good work.
Interesting. Would like to see the situation develop.
This has potential. Definitely a good start.
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1126_my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-im-with-twilight-on-this-one.gif
Definitely curious to see where this one goes
4289453
Im just...watching her eyes continually.
Interesting start. I can't wait for more.
Looks very interesting, I'll keep my eye on it.
~TheEmpressEclipse~
Fascinating. I like it!
This is good and I'm looking forward to more, but using 'they/their' in place of 'her/she' is really distracting.
Weeell... This is interesting! I will definitely continue to read this.
4289869 they/they're/their is a correct form when the gender of the subject is unknown or ambiguous.
Nice start! Keep up the good work.
4289959 Correct or not, it was distracting for me
4289959
4290022
It is correct; it'll be revealed in the next chapter as to why no definite pronouns were used.
sweet!
Writing tip: Using they might work when describing a certain group in general, but for a singular, tangible character, it doesn't work at all. If we're not sure about the gender, just call it an "it."
4290726
Singular they is the use of they, or its inflected forms, such as them or their, to refer to a single person or an antecedent that is singular in form.
It typically occurs with an antecedent of indeterminate gender, as in sentences such as:
"Everyone returned to their seats."[1]
"Somebody left their umbrella in the office. Would they please collect it."[2]
"If a person doesn't want to go on living, they are often very difficult to help.[2]
"The patient should be told at the outset how much they will be required to pay."[3]
"But a journalist should not be forced to reveal their sources."[3]
The term may also be applied to similar use of derived words such as themself or themselves.
A reason for its use is that English has no dedicated singular personal pronoun of indeterminate gender. In some cases, its use can be explained by notional agreement because words like "everyone", though singular in form, are plural in meaning. One reason for its increased use may be the movement to gender-inclusive language in the twentieth century, but it has been used by respected writers for centuries.
source
Writing tip: Don't knock it 'til you research it.
Its an interesting idea with a lot of potential, It will be interesting to see how well it is executed.
4290769 Okay, admittedly, I could have phrased that better. Trust me, I'm well aware of this particular use; my English teachers all but condemned it. But with your examples, you only prove my intended point. In those sentences, the subjects were unseen, generalized, unknown. We had no indication as to any exact person. With this "starpony," however, it is identified. We can see it (insomuch as a reader can "see" anything). We aren't talking about a character who is only hypothetical, but someone that Twilight and Co. are interacting with directly. This is what I was trying to say, and I apologize if I wasn't clear on that.
This is to say nothing against the story itself, I assure you.
The concept is great; it's just the grammar that could use some work.
4291214
Well, the starpony isn't an 'it'. It seems like a term for... an animal. They is still used for a single person of indeterminate gender, which the starpony is. I'd just rather not say 'the starpony' every time I had to specify them.
It starts off well enough. I'm curious about these ponies and look forward to seeing you flush them out.
4291414 seems like the term for an animal.
Oh the irony...
Interesting idea. Solid writing style.
I find the pacing hard to deal with, it's a bit wooden in some places, rushed in others.
Your narration is a bit fluffy. Cut this down by 15%. First thing I'd ditch is that phone conversation. She takes the time to call, and have a conversation with the agent. I felt like the strike happened a few hours ago, but then I learn paper is still fluttering in the air. I think you wanted a frantic feel to this chapter, a phone call spoils that.
Over all, this feels like a really good first draft. If you're interested in a style editor, PM me.
"Like, the spaghetti not being included makes sense, "
Noodle Incedent detected
"I am Antares, leader of the Scorpius starponies."
So I take it you are a fan of Tales of a wondering Non-brony?
Isn't Antares red not "pale yellow"?
The better question would be "What are people?"
good story but,
um.. get an editor. you need one.
4309957 Um, no, there's an actual star named 'Antares', which is a prominent star in the Scorpius constellation. In all likelihood, that's where Bronywriter got their inspiration: Antares is a star, and considering (if we're referencing the story that TD becomes an alicorn) the other alicorns are also named in reference to celestial objects (Celestia the Sun, Luna the Moon, Twilight the Stars, and Cadence, Typically used in a musical term for the repetition/frequency of notes but often used as reference in astronomy to how often a certain scan is taken/frequency of said scan/actions of celestial bodies occur) Bronywriter most likely chose the name for the same reason this author did: Because it's an astronomical object of significance.
TL:DR the author was most likely not referring to 'Wanderings of a non-brony' but actually referring to the celestial object.
All those they / their got really old really fast.
Too many. Repleace some with alternatives (visitor, patient, etc.) ?
(Beside that if anyone in that room saw,with no clothes per norm = no wee wee = they would assume "she" ;) )
You sliped 2 times:
capitalization
Plothole: Why Twlight didn't teleport crash-pony directly to hospital as she was spam teleporting anyway?
Maybe handwave: injures=no teleport (and rewrite one part to have Twilight move her by levitation).
4289959
That is completely irrelevant. The gender is established during Twilight preliminary examination and then ignored for most of the chapter.
4290310 Are you sure about that? Because you called Antares a 'her'. Which is a definite pronoun... and makes all the 'they/their's after it incorrect. Something that ArguingPizza referenced in their original post, copied below.