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I die at the end. (Old and Unimproved Edition)

"The defendant is ruled guilty for murder, arson, money laundering, conspiracy, practicing medicine without a license, malpractice, breaking and entering, theft, battery, resisting arrest, harassment, and disorderly conduct. The sentence is death by electrocution."

"Objection!"

The grey-maned stallion drew his hoof down his face and groaned.

"What is it!?"

"Nothing. I just have always wanted to say that."

"Court is dismissed!"

Ponies of all different flavors and varieties filed out of the courtroom, chatting amongst themselves about the case that just finished. There wasn't actually much of a case, to be completely honest. My public defender was only token, and didn't actually say anything. He just kind of sat and stared with his mouth ajar at the hundreds of eyewitness testimonies that were presented against me. He could have at least just tried to filibuster me out of like, one charge. I mean, sheesh, what do I pay that pony for? Oh right. Public defender.

The case only took so long because of the sheer number of ponies that wanted to testify against me. It warms my heart that I've touched so many ponies in so many ways.
Sniffle
I think I just might cry. Later, anyways.

Hi! I have no idea who you are, yet I am inclined to talk at you. I mean to you. Whatever, I am a changeling, as you can clearly see by the feckin' holes in my legs. If you can see at all with those tiny, creepy eyes of yours. Eeeeeewwwww.
Anyways, I have a long story to tell, so I will start from the beginning.

Gather 'round children! It's story time!

It all started with just a speck of energy, floating in the vast abyss of nothingness. Then, all of a sudden, it exploded. Energy burst from it, brilliant rays of light shone from it, creating everything we know, time, stars, planets. Everything exploded outwards away from the center, spreading apart and-

I'm terribly sorry, not that beginning.

Ahem.

My memory of life as part of the swarm is foggy at best, being part of a hive mind and all. Having no free will nor sentience sucked ass.
At least I think it did.

As a mindless zombie, I didn't think. Thought was an entirely new experience to me. It tasted better than love ever did. It all happened when I fell off of a building. I was hit by a bolt of magical energy off of a building into a carriage. It knocked me unconscious, and I experienced my first dream right then. Something about penguins in space or something. I don't really know. Dreams are weird. I woke up. Imagine being completely blind all of your life, then waking up one day to find out that not only can you see, but also there are colors! You couldn't even imagine what these sensations felt like before, because you had no way of experiencing it. 'The mind ought sometimes to be diverted that it may return to better thinking,' Some old bastard said that, I don't feckin' know, but now I can understand it, thinking makes sense. I had no clue what was happening to me. All of a sudden I was thrust into a new world of emotion, logic, and most of all want. I never wanted anything before, I only carried out commands issued by Queen Chrysalis and sought out nourishment. Speaking of nourishment, I don't feed off of love anymore, either. I eat food. I like food.
Enough with the bloody philosophy now, back to the story.

So there I sat, under a great pile of crap that felt like it was a ton of bricks. Actually, I think it was a ton of bricks. I forced my way out of the bricks and saw that the carriage was in somewhere else, it looked quite a long way away from Canterlot, seeing as whatever town I had ended up in was tiny and rural. How long had I been unconcious? Trees were sparse, and the roads were unpaved. I stepped out of the cart. I know that was a stupid move without disguising myself, but lay off me, I was new to thinking. The instant that I stepped out, everypony stared at me. Shit.

"Ah don't be-leive that these fine folks in this humble town would fancy havin' one of you changelin' types 'round these parts." A pony from somewhere in the crowd stepped towards me, he had a big-ass mustache and was adorned with an oversized sheriff's star and a sweet hat. That hat was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

"Uh, sorry, uh, wait a second." I shifted into the form of one of the nearby ponies. I could talk?
The crowd looked at me, what was the problem? I looked like them now. Stupid, I know. Just bear with me.

"Get him!"

Anyways, I ran as fast as I possibly could. I know I could have flew off, but my thinking was that the form I had took was not that of a pegasus, there weren't that many in the town anyway, and a floating earth pony would stick out like a giant pink couch in a world made entirely of tin foil (I don't know where that awful simile came from, I'm sorry). So I ran past the old buildings and bumped into background ponies, kicking up dirt with every stride I took. I looked behind me and saw a crowd of ponies lead by the sheriff getting closer to me, I pushed harder. The sun dipped into the horizon, painting the surrounding clouds a gradient of brilliant reds and yellows, and the sky darkened. I took a random pony's appearance, and turned behind a building, losing the mob. I took a minute to catch my breath and observed my new form. I don't want to change form too often, because that would be pretty conspicuous, as everypony would be on watch for a changeling. So I planned on staying in one form for as long as possible. I was an earth pony mare with a brown mane and a horseshoe cutie mark. Attractive enough. I tentatively walked out from behind the building. No funny looks. Good.

The sun set completely and was replaced by the moon and a full set of glimmering stars. The night was clear and nice. Ponies began to disappear into their homes, saying goodnight to their neighbors.

Heheh. NEIGHbors. I amuse myself.

I was able to find a little inn, and they had spaces open. I didn't have any bits (currency was also another new concept to me, but I would become very well acquainted with it later on if you know what I mean) but I was allowed to stay if I would mop the floors the next day. How nice of the mare at the desk. I'd just take someone else's form and leave without doing anything the next morning. Ha. In your face capitalism. Or whatever.

The next morning, I woke up and just walked out. It turns out I'm stupid in the mornings too. I began to make my way out of the town when I bumped into the sheriff. He hoofed a gun over to me. I didn't know what it was at the time.

"How do y'all want to do this?" He asked, his voice deep and gravelly.

"Do what?"

"Duel!"

"What was this thing that you gave me?"

"That there's a revolver. A weapon. You pull back the hammer on the back of the device, and you pull the trigger to fire." His tone was condescending, like he was speaking to a foal.

"Why are you giving it to me?"

"Duels are supposed to be fair."
I understood now. I was going to fight for my life. I gritted my teeth.

"So no horns or wings?"

"No."

"OK."

"We'll stand back to back and both take ten paces, then we'll turn around. No shootin' until we make eye contact."

We took the steps. It seemed to last forever, the early morning sun shone in my eyes, a crowd gathered around us, the ponies murmuring quietly to each other as we made our way slowly away from where we started. I took the last step, gripping the gun in my hooves, and turned around to face the sheriff. Our eyes met. He narrowed his eyes into slits, I mirrored him. The silence was palpable. A tumbleweed blew between us. The sheriff drew his gun, I reacted and fired. Our audience gasped collectively. I trotted over to him, the bullet went right between his eyes, his blood stained the dirt path. His hat had fell off of his head, and his badge was on the ground nearby, embedded in the soft ground. I picked up his hat and placed it on my head. I turned around, the crowd parted, and I walked through, my head held high.

...

OKAY FINE. I LIED. HAPPY!?

What really happened was that as soon as I bumped into the sheriff, I flew away, and he shot at me.
Yes, I know I'm a coward.

...

You don't have to laugh, you know.

...

Soulless bastard.

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Knavethefish

Knavethefish #1 · Apr 30th, 2013 · · ·

Interesting... I'll give it that. I'll be keeping my eye on this one. Although your humor is a little static and typical. You might want to try branching out a little.

IceQB

IceQB #2 · Apr 30th, 2013 · · ·

LOL... U SADISTIC MOTHERBUCKER... I LIKEEE IT *inserts pinkamena's smile here*

theRedBrony

theRedBrony #3 · Apr 30th, 2013 · 2 · ·

imageshack.us/a/img853/6034/clarksonnotbad.jpg

I actually like your humor. It's kinda stupid, and might be otherwise annoying, but you seem to do it right. Narration is just how I like it for 1st person / past tense, exactly as if the narrator was sitting next to you and recanting a story.

Seether00