My Worst Job Ever
Do you ever wonder what makes somepony who they are? Is it her way of thinking? Could it be the sum of his accomplishments and their impact on the world? Could it be argued that it's only her physical appearance, because the majority of ponies will only see him once, and never again? These questions are the questions that I am endlessly struggling to answer, and not having a name or static physical appearance really doesn't help my identity crisis.
Booooooooooorrrrriiiiiiinnnng.
In life one will invariably mess something up, and not just like spilling coffee on somepony's new pristine white shirt, but like ruining something that hours upon hours of dedicated work is put into completing. Like ruining a large quantity of seventy year aged cheese. After all that hard work, you come along and destroy it. It's inevitable, and you just have to deal with it. My mess up is probably worse than yours was, or ever will be.
Let's jump forward a while.
....
Feck off, It's my story, and I'll transition however awkwardly I want!
....
No! Don't leave! I need attention!
I had eventually established myself as a criminal for hire, doing various morally questionable odd jobs for morally questionable odd individuals. I mean, who else would hire a changeling? I don't blame them. We attacked Canterlot and almost killed The Princess. I still need a job though, and I can't go too long with a stolen identity without them eventually running into their doppelganger, so I have to work with the closest thing to an identity I have. And that's being an awesome changeling and being better than you at everything. Everything. Speaking of awesome, I eventually saved up enough bits that weren't used up on silly things like staying alive to be able to afford the same kind of hat that the sheriff wore. Best investment I've ever made. Anyways, ponies soon found out that I was ideal as a hired killer, with being able to disguise myself as a loved one or whatever and kill them and all. Not that I was particularly good at it, anyone with my changeling ability would be as good as I am at ending fellow ponies' lives. This kind of business made me quite a lot of money, most of which I immediately squandered on useless junk. Yes, I actually bought stuff. If I stole everything I wanted, there wouldn't be much more to steal, would there?
You'd be surprised to find out that the Rich's Barnyard Bargains chain of retail stores would take part in dirty business, as the stores have such a family-friendly atmosphere, but believe me, the other business they do is anything but clean. Each outlet also functions as an illegal drug production and distribution facility, the cops are paid off by Filthy Rich so that they turn a blind eye to his illegal business, and the drugs sold are recorded as similarly priced legal commodities, so the government even gets tax revenue from the drug sales. Organized crime in its most... organizy...est... yeah.
I was asleep alone in my hotel room in Manehattan, registered under the name 'Horseshoe McNail'. The mattress was a bit too firm, but the pillows and sheets were soft, so I didn't sleep too badly. I managed not to worry about laying on the wet patch that was left over from the last pony that stayed here. Nothing that a good shower couldn't fix anyways. There was a knock on the door. I squinted my eyes at the cracks of morning light that shone through the gaps that opened in the curtain as it waved with a gust of air like a flag. The door was knocked on again. What does this arse want this early in the bloody morning? I quickly checked to see if I looked like a changeling, and begrudgingly dragged myself out of the warm embrace of my bed. The knocking started up again.
"Hold your bloody horses! I'm coming!" I yelled at the pony behind the door. Hold your horses. Hehe. I unlatched the lock and pulled at the door handle, opening it.
The ponies on the other side were dressed in black tuxedos and bowler hats, and if that weren't conspicuous enough, they wore opaque sunglasses. One was tall and muscular, and the other was short and quite skinny. The short one did all the talking. His accent was a thickly Trottingham.
"We know who you are and we've come to offer you some work." He said. The sunglasses were a tad too large for his face, so he had to continuously push it back up the bridge of his nose.
"What do you want me to do?" I inquired.
"We want you to kill somepony. 5,000 bits."
I paused for a second, stroking my chin in thought.
"That isn't enough. I don't accept. Good day." I started to close the door, but the muscular stallion stopped it with his foreleg.
"It isn't up for negotiations, changeling. You're coming with us." The smaller stallion nodded to his partner, who turned around and bucked me in the face, knocking me unconscious. It feckin' hurt.
"And the award for best dumbass low-life criminal goes to..." The drum-roll started as the mare in the purple suit picked up an envelope and slowly tore it open with the other hoof.
I sat in my seat, shaking with anxiety, I was finally getting recognized for my talent! The other nominees sat to the left and right of me, looking equally nervous. It seemed to take hours as the mare slowly drew the enclosed paper out of the envelope. The pony doing the drum roll was slowing down, seeming to get tired of the sound of his buzzing snares.
"Changeling #4,815,162,342!" The crowd roared with applause as I made my way up the stairs to the stage. I glanced and stuck my tongue out briefly at the other nominees before shaking hooves with the mare in the purple suit and standing in front of the podium. I pulled the microphone down slightly and cleared my throat, the audience's applause died down.
"I'm so flattered," I said into the microphone, blushing slightly. "I'm sorry I don't have a speech prepared, I didn't actually expect to win." I chuckled softly, and the audience did so along with me. "Winning such an award is a team effort, and I have quite a few ponies that I'd like to thank. First of all, I'd like to thank Queen Chrysalis, for giving birth to me and all of my millions of siblings, dead and alive. I'd also like to thank that one unicorn who shot me off of a building. Without you, I may never have developed intelligence or lack thereof-" the audience laughed at my self-deprecation. "Finally, I'd like to thank-"
"Wake up, ya bloody idiot!" Someone yelled from the audience.
"The Sheriff, without him I may never have got the idea to get my awesome hat."
"What is he rambling on about, Bruiser?"
"Don't know,"
"He's been talking in his sleep ever since you knocked him out! Do you think you gave him brain damage?"
The large stallion looked at him disapprovingly.
"No,"
"I can't believe you forgot the blindfold. You might have given him brain damage! How is he supposed to kill the target with a malfunctioning brain? I told you we should have gone back for the blindfold. I said we should have gone back, and you said nothing! Now you've ruined our job because of it-"
"Shut up."
"No! I won't shut up, it's your fault that-"
I lifted my head up, and the world swam around me. I just sat around disoriented for a while until I was finally able to process my surroundings. I was in a closed roof carriage being pulled by the two bowler-hat ponies, who were arguing loudly with each other nonstop. They seemed so professional at my door, now they seem like a bickering old couple.
"Hey, are you two a couple?"
They stopped talking and stared at me.
"Because if you were, I'd be totally okay with that, I mean-"
"Shut up, changeling." They both retorted in unison.
"That was a reeeaaally lame comeback, you could have at the very least tried to twist my words against me or something, or just made up a somewhat original insult, I mean come on! Put in some feckin' effort! Give me something to work with here!"
"I said shut up!" The big one, Bruiser or something, yelled back at me.
"Okay, okay. You know, when I'm told to shut up, I shut up. Some ponies just continue on and on and never really stop, they don't seem to get the idea of shutting up, which means to be quiet immediately, and not everypony seems to grasp that-"
"Shut up shuttin' up!" The little one politely requested of me, to which I graciously complied.
The rest of the carriage ride passed in awkward silence. Thankfully it did not take to long to get to the destination. The two bowler hat stallions argued for a moment about blindfolds, then Bruiser covered my eyes with his foreleg and dragged me into wherever we were going. I was deposited onto a chair at one end of a long table, and the two stallions sat across from each other in the seats ahead of me. At the other end of the table, presumably sat my 'employer', with the chair turned away from me. The chair one of those big imposing ones perfect for sitting in, then turning around to reveal that you've been in the room the whole time, stroking a cat like a bloody comic book supervillain. I've never liked cats. Have you ever been brushing your teeth in the morning, then drop your toothbrush in the kitty litter? That happened to me when I was staying at somepony else's place. I knew someone who's cat ate their hoofmade cotton sweater, they had to clean up like a hundred hairballs that had cotton in them. I got off track there, sorry.
Carrying on.
The chair turned around to reveal Filthy Rich himself! He sat in the chair with a smug little smile on his face. Ever think that somepony had a punchable face? Well this guy had, like, the most punchable face ever, it was like the feckin' magnum opus of face punchability.
I've heard that he's a nice guy, but I'm pretty sure that's just all a façade he puts on to seem family friendly. Unless he has dissociative identity disorder or some shit like that.
"Have my employees treated you well?" He said smugly.
"No, they knocked me out, argued a lot, and failed to supply a witty comeback when I needed it most."
Filthy turned to his goons who sank down as his gaze met theirs.
"That's the third time this month that I've heard complaints about your comeback abilities. Will I have to make you retake my 'Comebacks 101' course again?"
"No, boss." They replied, looking down at the ground like colts being punished by a teacher.
"Then apologize to Mr...." Filthy looked at me expectantly.
Why was everypony always looking at me?
"Why is everypony looking at me?"
"This would be the part in which you introduce yourself." Filthy said, his smug smirk smugger than a smug snake from Smugtown, located in the valley of smug, just east of the great smug lake of eternal smugness.
"Oh."
"Well, go on then," Smuuuuuug.
"I....Uh...."
"Don't tell me that you don't have a name!"
"I don't have a name."
Filthy Rich hit the table with his hoof, shaking it, and making his henchmen jump in their seats.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME THAT!"
"Sorry, mate. I was just being honest,"
"SINCE WHEN WERE ASSASSINS EVER HONEST!?"
Hey, I'm not just an assassin! I do other stuff too!
"Your blood pressure, boss." The skinny goon reminded Filthy.
Filthy Rich looked red. He breathed in and out deeply, slowly letting the red color drain from his face.
"I apologize deeply for my, erm, outburst there." His smile returned.
"I dunno about you, but I enjoyed it."
Filthy's smile disappeared for a split second. I was this close!
"I think it is safe to assume that you understand why you are here."
"To make you upset?"
A subtle growl. This is fun!
"No, the job."
"Oh, you mean the one that you are too feckin' cheap to give me full pay for?"
"Yes, I mean- You have no choice! Okay!? Just be glad I'm paying you at all."
He lifted a folder up from under the table and slid it over to me. Well, not quite. The table was too long, so it stopped somewhere in the middle, and Bruiser had to get up and push it the rest of the way. Bruiser actually pushed it too strongly and the folder hit me. The papers inside it flew all over the place, so the skinny stallion got up to help Bruiser stuff all the pages back into the folder, all the while complaining that Bruiser had crumpled the paper. After about five minutes of arguing and rearranging paper, the folder finally found its way to me, the name on the tab: Ion Brilliance.
No, I haven't messed up yet, I'm still getting to that part.
Impatient bastard.
Stats
Page generated in 0.02 seconds
Total duration
1,062 users online
1,668,415 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
2513193 Fixed! I don't find enjoyment insulting the reader, but the protagonist of the story does.
SHU UP SHUTTIN UP
i love you now for that loonytoons referance
2513380 One of my favorite lines right there.
2513438 same here
I gotta say, he's witty, if nothing else.
2513552 He'll develop more personality traits as the story progresses.
he so i have returned hm let's check on my favriot changeling
bhahahah oh oh man just this one sentence made me ROLF so much "Ever think that somepony had a punchable face? Well this guy had, like, the most punchable face ever, it was like the feckin' magnum opus of face punchability." LOL LOL LOLING EVERY WHERE
keep up the good work mate!
2513670 I'll try my best.
one thing i learned that EVERY writer must learn IS TO NEVER RUSH!!!
2513793 Did I seem rushed?
umm just a half of an ATOM much but other than that SUPER SUPER SUPER Tiny thing yeah i was good
it not i sorry it was very good chapter DuubSSTTEePP foR YoU sir!
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/200H/f/2012/057/f/a/princess_luna_approved_by_ambris-d4r3ibw.png
this will be my reaction when you post a new chapter listen to this one first plzzz!
imageshack.us/a/img33/5764/likethischapter.jpg
2514900 Plenty more where that came from.
THOU HATH USED THREE FAN ARTS ART THOU GOING TO STOP THINE MEDDLESOME ACTS!
2518937 I SHALL NEVER STOP MAKING THE ARTS! THOU SHALT GET UPDATES FOR ALL OF ETERNITY! Besides, the last one was a mistake I had to fix.
2518965 THOU SHALL STOP THINE ARTS AND MEDDLING OR THOU SHALT BE SENT TO THE MOON!
2518985 HATH THOU CHALLENGED ME TO A DUEL!? THINE MISTAKE IS GRAVE!
2519005 THOU HATH MADE A GREAT MISTAKE IF THOU BELIVE THAT THOU CAN DEFEAT ME! ME! AHAHAHAHAH THOU SHALL NEVER CATCH ME SEE MEH SEE MEH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVAhW4ToLFI
you dear author just did the impossible gain'd my trust
This Fic..... I LIKE IT! ANOTHER!
Sorry, couldn't find the pic for that! Anyways, great story! My main reason for liking it so much in the main character's attitude. He's very witty and sarcastic! One of my favourite moments in movies and games is when, in the middle of the big-bad's speech, the hero/anti-hero trolls them with a witty remark that makes them fume!
2557743 Thank you! The next chapter should be out soon.