4242953 Are you implying that I'm a troll? In the dungeon?

I was asked by Mr Stargazer to have a look at Misunderstandings, for consideration for adminship of The Good HiE List. Might as well make a review for it here as well.

4243002 I imply nothing. (I just typed panic gif into google images)

The only HiE I wrote was a little 5K word one shot. I got sick'n tired of seeing HiE in the new and updated stories lists and decided to do my own. Because if you want something done right...

I look forwards to seeing the review. 200K words is a big number. And I know numbers. It's very big.

4243039

4243343 ...

kek?

4243346 Shhhhhh that's for Hazard.

Reviewed I was this close

Rejecting

There are some little grammar problems in here I'd like to get out of the way before I get onto the review proper, a few of which are detailed below:

The tavern is dully lit

Colour me a spoiled brat, but that sentence does not roll of the tongue. It doesn't help that you've repeated 'lit' later on in the sentence.

but I was THIS close to doing to again

WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH A STORY?

Finish 'the' story, unless this is a Sombra speech thing.

Now, onto some elements I both really enjoyed and really disliked. The story manages to squeeze both in here, so I'm going to explain a few of them chronologically.

Sombra was cut off by the entire table groaning in annoyance over the king's constant references to crystals! With Sombra it was crystal this and crystal that. Everything was done with crystals.

This line, here. Whilst there is a lot of narration and telly-ness in this story, I'm typically inclined to give it a pass because it comes off as a stylistic choice, and actually quite enjoyable (like another character showing us around, if you will, without being obnoxious) but this bit here should have been cut out, in my opinion. Why? Because it takes away from us seeing the reactions of the rest of the table. We're told how tiresome it is instead of just enjoying the characters being bored out of their minds, showing us. It would have been far funnier and far more impactful. It's something to watch for, especially in dialogue.

Now, onto a more enjoyable element:

You know I've said stuff about build-up for comedy in other reviews? When I've pointed out that there wasn't any? Well, take a gander at this:

There I was, sitting in my throne room, when BAM! The Princesses came crashing through the window. They announced that my reign was over, but I wasn't about to go down that easily. They started to charge at me with their horns glowing. Closer and closer they came!" Everypony leaned in with anticipation as Sombra continued to talk. "I readied myself for battle. They got closer, and closer, and closer, they prepared to fire their magic, and then..."

"Yeah?" The other four asked on the edge of their seats.

"I THREW CRYSTALS AT THEM!"

The pacing is nigh-on flawless. I loved this bit. I keep on getting surprised by this story as I go from something done clumsily to something done perfectly, and it really throws me. But this is definitely the latter.

We go back to another line, though, that I wish wasn't there:

Everypony jumped as they had forgotten she was there.

By examining their reactions, we should be able to get that they're surprised. Instead, the story tells me they are, and I wish it didn't. It makes it sounds a lot duller than it should be.

All in all though, this was a thoroughly enjoyable story, and you don't have to have seen the episode of Batman (though I did) to follow. It's completely self contained.

However, I would love to see the author go over one last time to look at some of the more telly bits and some of the grammar I pointed out before I let it in. It's such an enjoyable story it's a shame to have it brought down by a handful of annoyances. I'd love for the author to maybe read it aloud to himself, catch some of those awkward sentences by ear.

Once that's done, I'd be more than happy to let this in.

4243343

Reading is for eggheads. And eggheads don't survive at easter.

Reviewed The Howling Pony

Rejecting

My reasons for rejecting this story are a little complex. To properly make my point, I'd like to explain how I think Alternate Universes work.

An Alternate Universe is, basically, when something is in the story that can not be in the canon universe of the show. If it can, but is not shown, it's not AU. AU is used to bend what the canon events of the show would allow: for example, we know Twilight has parents, but we want to see how she's have survived as an orphan. Even though it doesn't follow what's in the show, it's based on it. That's what makes it relevant to the show, even though it's not canon, nor attempts to be.

Orphan Twilight is still Twilight: we should be able to recognize her, and see who she is. We should be able to recognize her. However, taking, say, a famous orphan (Batman, say... an exaggerated example, but let's roll with it) and giving him Twilight's name is not relevant to the show, or Twilight's character.

AU is for bending the limitations of the show, not to make up your own take on everything. Go too far, and AU or no, the story is set in an unrecognizeable world.

That's what's happened here.

This is a story about Sunset Shimmer. Something called the 'Great War' has happened (which is neither explained nor expanded on... it probably makes sense if we know whatever this is a crossover of) and she's lost and hungry. She stumbles into a church/monastery and seeks shelter. The Mother, who is played by Zecora, offers her as much shelter as she can before telling her she must leave. Sunset investigates.

It becomes blatantly apparent that Zecora has nothing in common with her MLP counterpart, aside from the fact that she is female. Sunset doesn't bear much ressemblance to MLP Sunset either: we don't know how she's changed from one to the other, and both may as well be different characters.

The only thing that bears any ressemblance to the show is the names: Griffonica, the title characters, and Discord and Big Mac. Their personalities are neither really shown, or are unrecognizeable (Zecora doesn't rhyme, for example, meaning her character voice has changed). This leaves me with a story that I have to wonder why it was made an MLP fanfic in the first place.

Nothing is benefited from this mix of genres and universes. It's one of the biggest traps of crossovers, and the story falls into is beautifully. It's unrecognizeable, and however well it's written, we here are looking for MLP fanfiction: not whatever this is with the names of the characters plastered onto them.

The story itself isn't really that bad (although I personally find stories about 'the devil' and 'battles against religious demons' and such to be a particularly unimpressive snoozefest... although I concede that this is merely a personal preference). It does set up quite a strong sense of unease which I do commend it for: to date only one other story I've read has made me feel genuinely uneasy.

There are technical issues, though: namely these:

(Flashback)

(voice over)

These are jarring, and stylistic choice or no, they really don't belong in a story. I'm actually quite partial to parenthesis, but not like this, not like something out of a play or script. We're reading a story, not lines.

Some grammar as well:

The castle's torch-lit Entry Hall, primitive looking, like something out of the Middle Ages.

“As I have heard it every hour of every day for five long years.” Zecora crosses to the window. “Why did you lie?” Sunset inquired tentatively.

The Googly-eyed mare

But really, not as many mistakes as I expected to find. What I'm really failing this story on is it's misuse of crossover material, and failing to integrate whatever universe the story meant to integrate properly into the MLP universe. Tagging it AU does not fix the problem, not when it's simply done as an excuse. There is no reason why this story should be seen as an MLP fanfic: it neither tackles the characters as they are shown in the show, it neither shows them in a light that expands upon what we see in the show, neither tells a story about the lore... aside from the names, it doesn't belong, which is a pity since it does have a fair amount of atmosphere.

4247901 Keep up the good work bro.

4247916 You got it. Keep up the good memes. You keep me sane.

4247933 Hey Hap? Got something for ya
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/207093/haphazred-appreciation-group

4248123 I can haz appreciation group?

4248166 Indeed you can.

4248170 I don't even know what to do with an appreciation group.

...

Welp, better finish reading Leo Tolstoy's 'litterary classic'. For once I've decided that I should take a look at the source material (since it's a short classic, and I'm curious).

It turns out I'm immune to classics. I've caught several cases of dry exposition, dull characters and superfast pacing... although in it's defense it probably does suffer from translation.

Can't wait to read the fanfic based on it.

Reviewed The Old Horse Shoe Maker

Rejecting

I actually read this one a while back, so I decided to get it out of the way quickly. There are a few problems with reviewing this story, most of them political in nature.

Christianity and God is a central theme to this story, so I won't be able to skirt around the issue. Whilst I am loathe to comment on religion (and certainly don't intend to do so extensively) the moral and theme will have to be addressed. Because the story involves God in it's content as more than just a theme (he is outright mentioned) I will be treating this story as a crossover.

My other point of interest is that this story is based off another story which is considered a litterary classic. Prior to today, I have not read this story, nor intended to, but I decided to make an exception for this story, mostly out of pure curiosity (I'm addicted to learning, and I wanted to see what a 'litterary classic' looked like). After reading, despite finding it's moral lazy, it's characters dull and it's pacing horribly fast, I have to say that it was quite well written. If it had a major flaw, it would be in it's characters: it doesn't take the time to fully show us the reactions they have, and instead just tells us, and it makes for very flat reading. I understand this is a stylistic choice, and for the time I imagine it must have been quite impressive.

So it's with this information that I dive into the story presented today.

I'd like to get grammar and writing out of the way quickly, since there's really no sense talking about it for too long. Stuff needs to be looked at: here are a few examples:

The old horse shoe maker

Consider putting a hyphen between horse and shoe. Avoids confusion.

There’s was an old faith

lost too many ponies due to time

The beautiful and simply sweet words filled his mind

live in such a humble shop.” Said the young

Now, I have a problem regarding how the story is told. I had this problem (although to a lesser extent) with the original too. Observe the following:

He knew it was a dream because of the presence of the mare who he had loved for nearly fifty seven years, who had been dead for five.

This is dry exposition. This scene would have had much more impact if we discovered this whilst reading, instead of it being handed to us. If I could go back in time, I'd have told Tolstoy too.

He loved his savior, his master, who had lead him to the love of his life, and who had sent precious dreams of her after she had passed.

This is more exposition. You're telling me he's a religious pony, not allowing me to see for myself. It's nowhere near as powerful or effective, especially tossed into the middle of a story. There are areas where telling is a good technique, but that's not here.

The effect this has is to, simply put, make for very dull reading. It keeps a barrier between the characters, scenes, and the like, and the reader. It makes it even harder to feel much empathy for the main character of the story, Cobbler, who I also take issue with.

Cobbler is a horseshoe maker. He's old, his wife is deceased, and he's religious enough to dream of his lord and saviour dressed as his wife come and beckon him to his rest, or something. It's a bit metaphorical, and I'm terrible at those. It's why I do engineering: with those guys, you know a wotsit is a wotsit (even though you don't know what that is). But as a character, he has very little drive. Things happen to him, and he says things, but we don't see a lot of thought behind his actions or a lot of emotion either.

“Ms. Apple please. I know she tried to take from your cart without paying, but cant we keep the constable out of this? I wouldn't want a hungry belly to ruin the rest of the little filly's life.” Cobbler pleaded with Ms. Apple for a short time after that, arguing for mercy over pure justice.

Finally, there's pacing. Like I mentioned, I had this problem with the original too: it moves very fast and doesn't take a lot of time to deliver it's information. The MLP version is even further abridged, resolving conflicts far too quickly. For example, Granny Smith's anger is resolved with a single line of dialogue.

This makes for a very hollow conclusion: it feels like the characters haven't worked for what they've got. It's hard to appreciate them if they can resolve all their troubles with the wave of a hoof. This carries on to the final conclusion of the story, too.

In short, this feels like it's a story without meaning. Put into the context of faith, it acquires meaning: the actions we do in everyday life are what brings us closer to heaven, or some such. But the way it's told, both in the original and here, strikes me as lazy: in the original he was just doing what he read in a book, and his actions weren't to an extent his own. Here, the challenges are too easily overcome to have any real weight behind them.

My final point (I've been thorough with this one) is how the crossover element is treated. In a similar vein as to what I described for the previous story, the world of Equestria here doesn't seem to integrate well with the changes brought in. This could just be due to a lack of description filling in the blanks, but in that case... there needs to be more description, filling in the blanks.

Fluttershy being hungry feels like it should be explained. Any generic filly OC orphan would have done the trick, but Fluttershy means she has to fit the Fluttershy we know from the show, and her being hungry contradicts that. There's the obvious 'where did God come from' problem here too, but at the end of the day, I'm inclined to leave the explanation given in the story to manage that one for me. Whatever people's problems with Christianity in Equestria, I don't feel I can properly fault the story for it after it has gone on record and explained that it's an old religion: but Granny's behaviour, which is ruthlessly aggressive, Fluttershy's situation, among others, needs more explanation. Either there are details we're missing, and should know, or these elements do not belong in the MLP universe, making for a jarring experience.

This is one of the longest reviews I've done, and incidentally one of the ones where I had the most negative things to say, however I would like to point out that there is a certain simplistic charm to the story that I can see some people find appealing. It's told like an old fable, I guess, which makes sense considering the original was quite fable-like in how it was written. However, I think that if you're of a mood to read a story of this content in this format, you might as well head on to Tolsky's original: the pony element doesn't really do much aside from abridge it and make for a rather jarring read, no matter how well meaning it's intent.

Regarding reviews, my next one will actually be a group of short reviews for stories I read for the EFNW contest I participated in. There are a few stories I think deserve a bit more recognition than they got, and it really was a fun contest. I'll probably have a larger post up here (as well as a counterpart on my blog) by tomorrow.

But now, I drift into the arms of Morpheus.

... not the Matrix guy. The, uh, god of sleep and dreams. It's totally normal.

Also, Morpheus is a girl.

4248690
This will be very helpful in revising! Thanks hap!

4220848

I wish I didn't forget what my password was...

Thank you for the delightful review! Trying to keep myself in check and this first story was to test to see if I could be able to create a stand-alone story based off a basic concept with a well-known pairing. Glad you thought I succeeded! I do agree, though, I may have rushed it a bit at the end, however, I'm glad you think that it didn't hinder it one bit. I hope I'll be able to improve on my endings, but it'll be a long road that I will be willing to travel.

Thanks again!

4249173 Anytime. I'm a relentless AppleDasher, so any story of that pairing you write will have a willing reader in me.

Reviewed Broken

Rejecting

I want to get the grammar and technical stuff out the way first. It's clear that this story should be looked at again, if only by a proofreader: some uncomfortable sentences really take away from a story that has another real problem going against it, which I'll get to later.

A few examples are collected below:

assulted

even with being able to hear she was horrible at speech

The pony was now in front of her, taking her speech as disbelief,

Misty Fly could only stand their aghast.

the jerk sending vibrations up her body

Three uses of 'vibrations' in one paragraph. Not quoting 'cause it's long.

There's an odd transition from italics to normal, even though we're still reminiscing about the past... in which case, either not going to italics is preferable, or transitioning out of it properly, more clearly.

Now, here is my main problem with the story, and that's it's reliance on it's source material. Having never read Calm Wind's work, and being completely unfamiliar with the Wonderverse, there's so much in this story that's completely unavailable to me. Unfortunately, our policy (coined by me) is that unless the fic the story is based on (either as a spin off or sequel) has been accepted into the bin, I can't treat the material as stuff that the reader should be considered familiar with going in, and after checking, Calm Wind's first two Wonderverse stories have not been admitted, even as submissions, into the group.

This is why I took such a long time to get around to this particular story: I wanted to be sure that Calm Wind's stuff wasn't going to turn up. So far it isn't, and I don't feel I can properly put this off any longer. The story requires me to know who Misty Fly is, what her situation is, and what happened in these other stories in said universe. It doesn't survive on it's own, so I can't accept it as it's own story.

On a different note, I also have to point out that the ending to this story is very hollow. It's made clear that Misty has a problem, and it's actually built up very nicely, aside from some clumsy technical writing, but the problem is resolved with just a short conversation with another pony. It makes it feel like she's now worked for her ending, and it takes a lot away from the story.

The author has done a very nice job showing the character's emotions and feelings through her actions, though, and I would like to commend her on that. But it's not enough to properly redeem the story for the flaws I've pointed out.

4252078

Reviewed Flash Sentry is Not a Hero

Rejecting due to grammar

This is another enjoyable story by Bad Dragon that's tragically brought down by clumsy phrasing and borderline grammar. It's a very enjoyable comic story about Flash Sentry performing his duty as a royal guard, and it manages it's comedy well.

It blows everything out of proportion: the gap between what's actually happening and how the guards react to everything is quite priceless. It doesn't even sacrifice story for it's comedy: there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. Stuff happens and the characters even evolve. Not much, but hey, it's more than just it's comedy. It's actually a nice portrayal of Flash Sentry, if you ask my opinion: all we know about the guy is that he's rather nice and helpful... and here, he is. It's all he has, granted, and blown out of proportion, but there.

And the comedy really does carry the story. It's what makes the story readable, and is most definitely the focus of the story. I just wanted to point out other stuff it did right as well.

In fact, I don't think it does anything really wrong. It puts a good amount of focus on everything and is even paced pretty well. I would have liked the transitions from flashback and Flash reminiscing to be clearer, but I understood (and I understand nothing).

What brings the story down is it's technical side, which is a real shame. I've included a handful of things below:

It was my very ambitions thinking that had prevented me from taking part in the defense of Canterlot from the changelings.

With diligent training and my unwavering determination I knew that I was prepared.

Even though he noted on the list of invited guests, he was still a suspect in my eyes.

He did not just prevent the breach, but also made sure, that the ambassador stayed within the parameters of the protocol behavior.

His book about the deed, he had performed, was even thicker than my grandfather’s memoir.

Airting my mental concentration direction away from the threesome enumeration task had, on occasions, caused me to lose count on one of the streams.

She was the most unpredictable pony, I had ever come across.

What I'd love is to see Bad go and get himself an editor/proofreader, and come back with a really fun and enjoyable comedy about Flash overreacting to a balloon. If it weren't for the technical stuff, this'd be an easy accept. It sounds weird, but even though I've never accepted his things on the first try, I've always enjoyed rejecting his stuff, because they're always incredibly interesting, and that's something I think is very important.

Also:

She put the tip of it into her mouth, wrapping around the slick shaft with her lips, while holding it in the horizontal position with her forehooves. The unwarranted object grew bigger as she blew

Never thought I'd read that in a teen rated story.

I don't mind.

4254323 Thank you. I wasn’t sure if the story was even good enough to even drop into submission folder. I mean, it has Flash Sentry in it. Now, I’m glad I did and I’m happy that you found it enjoyable.

I’ll fix what you pointed out and what I can find, then I’ll also try to find myself an editor, somehow. It might take me a little while, though. I’m also trying to beat the deadline for a contest with my self-insert conquers Equestria story (It’s worse than it sounds. That there is actually the title of the story I’m making). After that, I’ll focus all my attention on Flash Sentry and make him shine.

Also,

Never thought I'd read that in a teen rated story.

It's Everyone rated.

4254923 A poor character does not a crap story maketh.

Granted, you'd have got more popularity by just using a regular OC guard, but what the heck. The only character I'm really biased against is Snips, Snails (especially snails) and Soarin whenever he gets too close to mai waifu Renbo Desh.

Everyone, eh? That's good. It'll toughen those wimps right up.

A warning to the faint-hearted... discovery is not for those that fear the unknown.

But I'm afraid of everything unknown!

Oh, well. Reviewing A Quest For Knowledge anyway.

Reviewed A Quest For Knowledge

Rejecting

First off, grammar and phrasing need to be improved. A few examples worth noting are collected below:

pony’s warning,but Terra

That’s Captain Shining for you…” said Shining

It was also a means to an end, to reach her idol Princess Luna and catch a bit of her attention.

Now, this might seem like a tedious job, but when archives are lost, scattered, and deformed it could do even more than alienate a princess from the affairs of the world.

When you asked me “To what?” I said. “To build a

Sometimes the change of time required a change of appearances,

This night while Selune was working,

Now the boring stuff it out of the way, I'm going to discuss some more interesting problems the story had. Interestingly, I actually didn't dislike this one as much as the previous story from the same author, and despite multiple flaws, I actually enjoyed some of it, especially the characters. But, one major problem I have with this story is it's delivery of information. See here:

This night while Selune was working, she found one that was very interesting. It depicted two female pony heads, one pegasi, one unicorn, connected with their necks forming an S- shaped emblem. The unicorn on the bottom had a serious expression. She had a grey mane and black coat, with red eyes. While on the other hoof the pegasus had a gentler appearance of a grey coated pony with a blonde mane and green eyes. The record itself was about someone named “Queen Metis”, who in the name of the Kingdom of the “Proteans” swore to uphold peace and maintain trade with the Earth Pony tribes in the southeast. Strange… Selune had never heard of “Proteans,” let alone this Queen. Was it some mix of pegasi and unicorns living together? If that was true then it could change the way they viewed the events of Hearth’s Warming Eve. She looked out for clues about this Kingdom but found none. There were no other mentions of said kingdom in any other documents. Nor did the unicorns or the pegasi have any records of the Kingdom in their maps, let alone recorded dealings with them. Whatever this kingdom was it seemed its inhabitants were either too far out of reach for the Equestrians to communicate, or they were very reclusive.

This is a large paragraph. It looks impressive, but it's not very easy to read. At the beginning of the paragraph, we start with what more or less advertises it as a 'what's going on' paragraph (that night, she was working), but then moves onto describing a symbol, conjecturing as to the nature of the symbol, and then having her go on and look for more clues.

Whilst all the elements to understand are there, the fact it's not separated out makes it very difficult to read and follow, and that takes a toll. Personally, I'm inclined to just skim when stuff get's tough, so I miss information, but other people are forced to slow down, which takes more effort, and some people just give up altogether. This problem is present through a lot of the story: you can tell by looking at the large paragraphs that a lot of those should have been separated and formated differently.

It's not a matter that we can't understand, it's just that the story is making it more of an uphill battle.

It doesn't help that it wasn't really impressed upon me in the first chapter why I should care. Yes, we understand (after a bit of work) that there's a new race, some Overlord thing and a Queen Metis, but it wasn't made clear why this was relevant, at least not to the reader. Aside from just 'knowing' there's not much that the characters appear to gain, and because we don't see Selune overenthusiastic about it, we don't even get swept up along with her. It makes it difficult to get invested in a story we don't really see the point to.

Another issue with the story is the main character, Selune Darkeye. Aside from me slowly shaking my head at any name with 'dark' in it, I was actually quite impressed by the character. She's a pony dedicated to knowledge, which I personally believe is a particularly noble pursuit. I found it therefore very sad that most of her character is explained quickly by having her tell us what motivates her, particularly regarding her idolization of Luna. This could have been played far more subtly, but instead it just takes away the mystery of discovering the character for ourselves.

The same goes for Terra: we're more or less told his entire character pretty early on. In all fairness, I liked Terra too: I have a soft spot for soldiers who are neither grimfaced nor incompetent, and his introduction feels a little less ham-fisted than Selune's, but you can see the same issue there, stemming from the same source.

Although there weren't that many canon characters to be seen, Shining and Luna felt true to themselves, particularly Shining. Whilst not enough to save this story from a rejection, I felt it important to mention that despite my misgivings about other characters in stories from the same author, this one seems to do a much better job: it feels more relaxed, like it's not trying to forge an epic tale, and warp the characters in so doing.

In fact, that's the problem with the story: when it tries to go into epic histories, it seems to fail. The first chapter described ancient ruins and forgotten civilizations, but it didn't do so fluidly enough to succeed. Terra's discussion with Shining, whilst still flawed, was far more laid-back: it was just two ponies talking, and it felt like it gave a lot more away, more efficiently, than handing me dozens of names and places in hasty exposition.

What I'd like to see from the author is to go back and rework the first chapter, bearing in mind how he did the third chapter: take his time with the delivery of information, pace it appropriately, and in my opinion, provide Selune with a second pony to discuss things with. Information is much easier to convey through dialogue, and whilst not a must, I think that based on what I've seen of the author, he/she would benefit.

Also improve the phrasing, paragraphing... all that good stuff.

4257923 If you could direct me to an editor or proofreader that'd be fine. I am trying to improve this.

To think i put more work in this. Wanted to be careful and stuff.

Do we even get second chances here?

4257937 Of course we get second chances. If you think you've improved, you send me a PM and I check it out again. The cycle repeats until either you get in, you give up, or I give up.

Anyhoo, our group is supposed to have three editors: Shadowblaze, Jimbotex, and Cryhavoc. You can find them on our main page. I'd suggest giving them a PM, and possibly pointing them towards what I've said too.

4257945 Trust me what you're seeing here would be ((by your standards at least)) considered nigh un-readable by the time of September or let's say... two years ago. Like REALLY REALLY bad.

I am not joking.

4257946 Heh. You should've seen my first story. Talk about bad pacing.

In any case, give those guys a call. If they're unavailable, I know of a few other groups who might have a willing editor. If they don't work, then I'm afraid you'll be on your own.

4257949 I'll send the pms now.

Reviewed Spirit

Rejecting

First things first: I found a few bits of phrasing that rubbed me the wrong way, but frankly not as many as I expected. A few of them are shown below, but they're not why I'm rejecting this story.

her face screwed up in an expression which clearly showed she had no clue.

“Hey, I heard you’re having some sort of fashion show tonight.” He said, putting down his cleaning rag. “What can I get ya?”

“Oh yes, I’m the host!” she exclaimed.

That'll be one cappuccino, then?

I have to wonder, if Rarity was going to ignore his question, why put it in? It's not like it's doing anything, it just serves to confuse me.

“Hmm it’s six, I still have a while before I need to be at the theatre… I think I’ll take a stroll through the park.”

The wolf whined again, and Rarity turned and ran to it.

To the real stuff to talk about: There's a problem with this story: it kind of delivers 'powerful' moments without much impact. Like this line, for example:

“I saved a life tonight…”

I'm pretty fine showing it out of context because the story doesn't add much context to it. It's just there, right at the end of the first chapter. It has very little build-up and it makes it fall awfully flat. The story doesn't describe it's emotions very well either. Rarity is legitimately worried about the pup: we know, because the story tells us:

She was legitimately worried for the pup.

It just feels like such a weak way to explain Rarity's feelings, and it brushes through a lot of their scenes really quickly. For example, in the first chapter, we go from Rarity being happy about an event, discovering three stallions about to kill a wolf, fending off said ruffians, and then taking the wolf to Fluttershy, all in around 1K words, give or take. It's not even that it's really badly paced, it's just that it's not really taking it's time to properly describe everything, and it's scenes go by without building themselves up.

In the second chapter, we find that the wolf has formed a bond with Rarity... heavy stuff, but without seeing that bond be formed, it feels like a plot device. The story feels impatient to get a move on, when it should take it's time a lot more for these kinds of things. In a movie, this isn't so bad: we can see the emotions and feelings of the characters. Here, we don't really connect to much, or rather, we aren't given much opportunity to.

Some stuff about the story feels too easy, too. I mean, take a look at this:

He’ll stay by your side, no matter what.

Even if that didn't stretch my suspension of disbelief, but by making Rarity's choice so easy, it makes the decision feel hollow and empty. Like, 'here, have a puppy: he'll do everything you want and there are no real downsides'. It makes her choice feel weak. Not bad, just weak.

At the end of the second chapter, we even had the opportunity for some real conflict: she's late for her fashion party, and she needs to put Spirit to bed. Instead of having to deal with taking the animal with her, and drive home the point that her life has been properly changed, and that having him has real consequences... he just goes to bed. It's empty of conflict.

And that's really all there is to the story. Instead of making meaningful conflicts, the story seems to flat out avoid them so far. Instead of having to deal with the rest of the townsponies being afraid of the wolf, the wolf helps Rarity get a good deal. It just makes for a very empty story.

If you're exited to see Rarity have a wolf, and just kind of... exist with a wolf, then this is definitely the story for you. But I don't think there's a real plan behind this story, and it shows.

Much better than that cheating whore Rainbow Dash.

Whoa. Do you even know who's reviewing your story? You bashin' bestpony?!

It's not a bad story: the grammar isn't bad (although it does get a bit lacklustre from time to time) and the premise is interesting enough. It's just that the story has no real substance to it, and I come away from the story without much to take away. Maybe this is because it's incomplete, but even then, the plot should have at least advanced by now. We're at chapter four!

Okay... I finally finished my review (I had a lot of other work), and I think I might not do as in-depth reviews in the future. (My next comment is actually the trimmed down version.)

But it should have a lot of information that the author can use to improve.

Reviewed improbable truth.

Accepting.

I think there's still room for improvement though.

This was an interesting story. It was a human in Equestria, but instead of falling prey to some of the problems other HiE stories fall prey to, it took things slowly. In fact, it took at least four chapters to get past introductions and get into the meat of the story.

However, those introductions were pretty good. There were paragraphs describing the thoughts and capabilities of otherworldly beings and concepts outside of everyday life, and it was surreal enough that I couldn’t help but be interested. After those first four chapters though, it almost seems like it transitioned into a completely different story: from an epic fantasy sci-fi novel about how creatures in the multiverse work, to a more slice of life novel about how a human copes with being in another world, eventually choosing to consider his actions based on their effects in both worlds, should he be in either. (He could be home and hallucinating like last time, or he could actually be in Equestria, since some events didn’t easily fit the hallucination theory.)

I’m not that fond of bait and switch, and I think it could be dealt with better by adding more perspectives from otherworldly beings. (Humans from the future don’t count, because they got killed before I could get interested in their character.) However, as both of the stories are interesting, and they are part of each other, I feel like many people would still enjoy reading it if they were into fantasy/sci-fi genre.

I do have a problem with some of the backstory of the main character, mainly being that some of his reactions were a bit unfeeling compared to what happened, and it seemed to stick so closely to a part of the bible that it at times felt like the narrative was forcing things to happen that normally wouldn’t, but it was still believable enough and small enough compared to the rest of the story to not ruin from the whole thing. However, I do think it warrants a dark tag.

There were also a few problems with characterization, such as with Pinkie Pie or Angel, but they only had one or two paragraphs out of a 50,000 word story, so they don’t really matter. There are additional problems with Rainbow Dash crashing into everything, and some things like commas, word problems, awkward scenarios that dragged on, or handling of lyrics that dragged the reader out of the story, but again, I think these are a small enough part of the story that they don’t ruin it, even combined with all the other problems.

In the end, the characters that weren't glanced over had decent enough characterization, the setting was interesting enough and described well enough, and there was enough continuity between everything that the good parts of the story outweighed the flaws.

And now, for a much more in-depth review.

WARNING: I pretty much spoil the entire story here.

First, we start of with a strange supergod thing and its musings about the multiverse. Since he/she doesn’t really get a name or a gender, we’ll call her SMulM, short for Super Multiverse Maintainer.

Anyway, Smulm does a lot of introspection, comparing herself and her job to more human ideas, which makes sense when you think about it because she would be able to see the human universe. Eventually she explains that she’s sort of a multiverse tree trimmer (my words, not hers), and likes to keep things neat. So when things cross over from one dimension to another, Smulm goes in and tries to fix things, even if that comes to killing things, which she tries to avoid.

Seeing Equestria in the center of an orgy of universes, she sighs and moves into it, turning herself into a pony.

In the next scene, or the scene after, we change to a bibliophile who might be even more poetically introspective than Smulm. This guy’s stuck in Twilight’s tree, and thinks he’s having another psychotic break, so he treats it like that, and not like he’s actually in Equestria.

All in all, it seems like a pretty good introduction to a sci-fi/fantasy epic. I can’t really say I saw any flaws in it, plot wise, except perhaps the thoughts invoked about the Equestria girls and other mirror universes in the comics and movies that never seem to be used, but I can accept that sometimes people don’t really like that semi-canon media.

Now we learn a little more about our human, Windell, and we see Smulm spying on him, looking at his medical results and stuff. There are some oddities, possibly from the multiverse transfer thingy, or from the genetic mutation that let’s the human have psychotic breaks. As an engineer, I can say the mutation seems pretty realistic, since it’s likely just changing a few chemicals in the brain.

And then we’re given even more reasoning behind why Windell thinks he’s going through a psychotic break: he already watched MLP, so his mind could be feeding him information based on his memories, and his last psychotic episode lasted around two years for him.

However, because of Ponyville’s friendliness, he’s pretty much forced to interact despite his fears of his own psychosis. Because of that, we still have interaction and a story.

(One thing strikes me as strange later though. If his only previous psychotic break lasted two years, why would he think it would be over in the morning? And why didn’t he feel a lot more dread at the thought of getting stuck in another two years of un-reality?)

So, his first interaction with ponies is getting slammed into by Rainbow Dash. I don’t really like the reuse of scenes, especially since Rainbow Dash only ever crashed into one pony on the show, and it’s kind of jarring to see how Rainbow Dash laughing at someone she just ran into. However, I can’t say it was out of character, since this was what happened in the show. Maybe if the setting was set in Season 5 or Season 4, then I could call at least a slight OOC, but not here. Anyway, she makes up for it a little bit by acting nice and offering him a job as a weather pony at the end of the conversation.

We’re also treated to Windell still considering his psychosis, this time calling Rainbow Dash ‘Skittles’, to make up for his mind supposedly translating names to MLP names. It’s kind of clever.

Now, we move on to Fluttershy and Spike. Fluttershy’s only mentioned because she’s near the forest, making her neighbors with Windell, who decided to make his home just outside town so he isn’t forced to interact as much. Spike was at Fluttershy’s trying to take care of her animals and failing miserably, and he called for help, just to have Windell ignore him. I think this does a decent job at showing just how much Windell fears acting on his psychosis.

Finally, he built his home, or at least a teepee. And there’s a nearby lake that sings him to sleep with otherworldly songs. I do like the concept of the otherworldly lake, as it keeps the setting fantastical.

As for the lyrics of the song, it’s not in any language, but the author says it’s derived from french and english. So if one knew french, they might be able to decode some neat foreshadowing. Sadly, I haven’t learned french yet.

This chapter seems like a second introduction chapter, but it keeps things interesting with the more fantasy elements of the setting.

As for grammar errors, there were dialogue errors everywhere apparently, but I only noticed them when I stopped and checked for them, so I can’t say they detracted from the story at all. Otherwise, there is the rare wording error: “and it was a mind blowing” should be, “and it was mind blowing”; but that’s one wording error that I noticed in around three thousand words.

Now, here’s where things start to get a lot darker. It turns out Windell actually killed someone in his last delusion and was put in a psyche ward where they were carrying out unethical experiments. It also turns out that his mom died of radiation on her job, and his dad was left to take care of his son by working multiple jobs, and eventually sold his kidney so he could leave his own biography on a kindle as a gift for his son… Yeah...

Okay, I think that the story may have gone a bit too dark too quickly there. I remember everything flowing nicely, and I remember liking the backstory at the time, but I can’t help but think his backstory is so dark and his reactions to the MLP world seem to have so little to do with them emotionally that it seems like I’m reading a completely different story whenever his past comes up.

Anyway, we know he studies Avian Biology and is a pegasus. We also see that coming into play when he examines himself in the water, and it’s good for continuity that his major is remembered.

We also see him musing about his psychosis, the possibility of him being in a new universe, and how to deal with the interactions. I do like me some introspection, and it’s good to see that serious subjects aren’t being ignored.

Aaand then Rainbow Dash crashes into his home. It was annoying last time, but this time it’s explained by the poison joke. (Even though the chance of her hitting his house is still incredibly small, and the interactions seems a bit forced to me because of that.)

However, this might have introduced him to his ‘employer’, Zecora, who was far enough from society to help him. Also, the fact that he does want an employer shows that there will be improvement as the story goes on.

Now for the technical errors: I started noticing a lot of comma usage where it was optional, and it slightly broke my immersion.

This time we’re back into more world building with the veil of Equestria and it’s relation to the dream realm, along with possible origins of the Nightmare. And then we’re led right into Luna’s perspective and her wariness of the too quiet night realm. It builds up a nice amount of intrigue and fantasy, as this story seems to do a lot.

Then, Luna finds Windell's lucid dream. Windell is introspecting as usual, but when Luna enters, he decides to hide from his perceived psychosis, even becoming threatening and eventually throwing her out of his dream, but not before filling her head with some brain-in-a-jar philosophies. It’s kind of a dick move, but it makes sense since he’s lived through those ideas.

And so Luna panics, pointing out the use of ‘anyone’ and not ‘anypony’ and jumping to all kinds of conclusions, thinking that he might be a danger to Equestria because of how different and dangerous he seems. However, Celestia calms her down, but agrees it would be a good idea to find this lucid dreamer, either so they could help them or stop them, depending on who they were. But they don’t know his species or even his gender, so they have their work cut out for them, which sets up a lot of the future scenes.

Afterwards, Luna orders a margarita, because she enjoys the new things the world has to offer.

I have to say, I enjoyed the characterization between Luna and Celestia. It seems much more sisterly than most fanfictions.

And now Windell’s got a job, is taking care if his house and his basic needs, and doing more psychoanalysis on himself and the villagers… I think the joy I get from watching him is similar to watching a minecraft playthrough.

Then we’re in a new perspective. This time, there’s a dire wolf in Equestria, and it’s gaining sapience because of Equestrian magic, which I find to be an interesting concept. However, with that sapience, it also gains regret from killing other sapients.

But now that it doesn’t see any of the humans it’s come to fear, it could be much more dangerous in the future. It could also be dangerous because it found the main character and wants to eat him later.

I think this was my favorite plot-device/character introduced to the story, perhaps besides Smulm.

Then there’s a scene of a drunk fisherman watching Smulm fight Cthulhu. It seems more like a joke than it should be with the mention of Cthulhu, even though without the name it would probably be a completely serious scene. Also, the fisherman is never mentioned again, so I don’t know why the scene is from his perspective.

Lastly, there’s a scene from Windell’s memories, where his girlfriend basically tried to rape him, so he broke up. His friend Benny acted like a bro though… kind of. It seems more like he’s just repeating, ‘don’t worry about it’. And despite the fact that I know how distraught Windell is portrayed, and how distraught he should be, his reaction feels a bit toned down from what could be considered a normal human reaction.

Now, we see Windell interacting with the diamond dogs by accident, then changing things to his advantage by acting crazy and getting some of their rocks for his home. In exchange for ‘taking out their garbage’, he demands a weapon. However, this seems to be forgotten, as I don’t remember any mention of such a weapon in the rest of the story.

Later, Windell experiments with his magic a bit more. This fic seems to have an interesting take on Equestrian magic. In this case, it seems Windell can direct a sort of ‘flow’ to any part of his body to strengthen it dramatically. It’s yet another interesting/fantastic element of the story, and one that allows for gradual improvement and learning.

And after more introspection, he thinks about apologizing to Luna, but this seems to be forgotten as well. Couldn’t he just lucid dream again and let her find him?

Next we have the wolf’s perspective again. He’s waiting until he’s hungry before he kills anything so he’ll be less guilty. He also found that he could understand more basic communication coming from lesser animals. This is an interesting concept that I don’t see used too often in other fics.

I think the wolf somehow makes both a nice looming threat and an interesting character. However, he’s no better than any of the previously super-powered MLP villains, because I know he won’t win, as that would leave nothing for the main story.

Then we’re introduced to Shining Armor and some griffin named Hawk Eye. Shining Armor actually seems to be characterised better than in the actual show as someone who could legitimately be the captain of something, and he’s not too OOC compared to the corn-dog lover/surfer dude either.

Shining Armor and Hawk Eye are currently being deployed to the border of the badlands to secure Equestria. I think it’s because of Lucid? I’m not sure actually, since this might be before chrysalis appears, but there’s no mention of such a threat. Still, this is before Shining married Cadence, so I wonder how such a deployment would effect that chain of events. (It seems like he’s removed from that place later, so apparently it didn’t change much.)

But in the midst of all the friendly interaction between the guards and their backstories, a goron or something (I’m not sure what it is) explodes in a brilliant flash of light. This shows more of Smulm interacting with things, trying to destroy creatures that might drastically alter the multiverse. But his actions have some repercussions, the most obvious ones being blinding the guards by teleporting a part of the sun to Equestria for a nanosecond and having them report the event. I wonder how much he can effect the multiverse before he changes things more than the characters he’s trying to remove.

Then we’re back in Ponyville, and Windell meets Pinkie…

I swear, if Pinkie had been a major part of this story, I wouldn’t have hesitated to reject the whole thing based on bad characterization. Luckily, she only appears in one or two paragraphs throughout the whole story.

First, Pinkie’s Pinkie sense, which was pretty much dropped by the official MLP writers save for a mention in ‘Pinkie Pride’, was so specific that it allowed her to know that someone in Ponyville was going about their daily lives not believing anything they saw was real. That’s already beyond the vague or immediate predictions that she was capable of in the show.

Second, she describes the way she figured out the difference between a spoken ‘main’ and ‘mane’ as having read it. This is the absolute worst kind of fourth wall breaking that you can do, because it draws the reader out of the story and makes them pay attention to the medium.

Further, her personality is completely ignored and replaced with fourth wall jokes and ‘randomness’, which I don’t think the author understands. (The static on your old television screen is randomness, and it’s completely devoid of meaning. A character never acts randomly.)

He runs into Rarity afterwards, who is characterized decently. But there’s not really much room for characterization, since Windell was just quickly buying cotton for his home with platinum that he got from the diamond dogs.

Then, he runs into Fluttershy, who shares his love for animals. It’s good that Windell’s avian biology major is being brought up again, because it shows continuity.

And then we’re introduced to the next scene, since Fluttershy and some other residents of Ponyville wanted to know about the everfree and were going to go on an expedition. I think it’s a decent way to keep things flowing between scenes.

Next, we have the typical obsessive Lyra and the laid back Bon Bon. Here, Lyra convinces Bon Bon to go to the mysterious singing lake, where it plays ‘Fireflies, by Owl City’. I feel that that’s kind of jarring, and it’s a very popular song, so everyone will recognize it and might find it just as jarring. But, it is a story about universes crossing over, so I suppose I can forgive that part.

Oh yeah, that scene’s full of shipping. It’s kind of cute.

This time it starts off with another flashback, now with one of Windell’s friends stealing his food and then breaking off the friendship when he complained.

Okay, I’ll spoil some of this back story and say that Benny is the main perpetrator, and he was using some other people with various behavioral problems to further his goals. However, statistically, this is bullshit, and here’s why:

Being generous, about 2% of people are sociopaths/psychopaths, which Benny would definitely count as due to his complete disregard for other’s feelings. And his methodology and reasoning could easily make him a psychopathic killer, which is a much, much smaller percentage, because most psychopaths or sociopaths don’t kill or harm people in the way Benny did. The amount of serial killers in America, which Benny would easily qualify as if he was able to move on after torturing Windell, is about 600 per decade at the very highest. And since Benny is under 20, that means he’s one of the 1200 possible serial killers. (I’d give him a 50% chance of not becoming one given the fact that he spent nearly his whole high school career trying to ‘break’ someone, but I messed up the calculations last time, so I’ll be more generous and make it 95%, making him part of 24000 people. Then, that’s 24000 out of 300 million, or about 0.0075%) Some of the other friends would still count as sociopaths. Also, Kleptomania is in about 0.6% of the general population, and 8% of adolescents have anger issues. Putting this together, the probability of all these assholes being together in one school assuming a school with average size, giving a grade size of 188, and using a binomial distribution to calculate the likeliness of at least one or two of these guys showing up, we get a 43% chance for at least one kleptomaniac being there, a 99.99% chance of at least two people with anger management issues being there, an 89% chance of at least two sociopaths/psychopaths being there, and a 1.4% chance of someone like Benny being there. Putting that together, that gives us a generous 0.5% chance of those people even being in that school and being in the same grade as Windell. That doesn’t even account for the probability of them all finding each other and organizing things right without anyone finding out, them picking on Windell specifically, his family situation keeping him there, him not finding other friends, and him not being able to or wanting to talk to the teachers or principal about those things.

I know people do win the lottery sometimes, but if I actually cared about all the unlikely events that could possibly happen, I would be cowering every day in anticipation of the fact that a meteor could land right on top of me.

Why does the genetic mutation or the sneezing yourself into another dimension not bother me as much? Well, those don’t have as profound of an effect emotionally, and they’re not happening again and again. It’s not like Wendell's mutation allows for a new superpower every chapter.

However, even though this scenario seems forced, the writing is done just well enough that I could actually read through all of those scenes, despite them being as probable as a few atoms just teleporting out of the main character’s brain and killing him. And Windell and his friends seemed to stay in character the whole time. So, since I was able to read all of it, I guess I’ll allow it.

Anyway, after the flashback, Windell is with Fluttershy again, and he starts off by saying that Angel was in dire need of a hug, acting on the trope that Angel is an irredeemable demon because of one episode, despite the rest of his actions throughout the series. However, Angel is only mentioned once in the whole chapter, so, just like with Pinkie, the scene doesn’t have  enough time to ruin the story.

Then we’re at the Everfree expedition. Everyone’s pretty much in character, Windell spots the CMC standing on top of each other in a grown mare’s trench coat, and there’s a funny scene with Roseluck. All in all, it seems like a nice little slice of life scene.

Then, we switch to the wolf, who decides to defend his prey from other predators until he gets hungry enough while reminiscing about his pack. I’m not sure how the story got me to care about a wolf so much, but it did a good job.

Now, back in the everfree, Windell argues about what’s natural with the ponies, who, if you remember, called the Everfree unnatural because ‘animals took care of themselves’. The intellectual conflict does a good job at characterizing Windell and the ponies, and it seems realistic. There’s also a part where Windell struggles not to mention the word ‘Manitcore’ when talking about Manticore evolution, calling back to his psychosis and keeping continuity as well as making for an interesting additional mental puzzle.

In the next scene, Windell finds a human skeleton, and calls bullshit. The story gives him a freakout that would give Twilight a run for her money, with him thinking maybe he killed someone, and he hides the evidence before accidentally knocking himself out.

But after that, he’s in the doctor’s office, and the doctor says a normal earth pony blow wouldn’t knock him out, but he had low calcium. It doesn’t work that way: his bones would either shatter or bend more, but that alone is very unlikely to knock him out since bone doesn’t provide much padding anyway. In most cases, getting knocked unconscious is a pretty serious condition, and in this case it would be a concussion. However, since a lot of stories ignore even basic medical knowledge and most people aren’t doctors, I can give this scene a pass.

Now we start of with Henry 615, in a strange civilization, but this turns out to be hamster food, and I feel it’s parodying some of the introduction scenes pretty well.

Then, we’re on to a scene about Rainbow Dash bragging about taking out the manticore, but since it didn’t specify which, I wasn’t sure if it was about the manticore in the first episodes of MLP. Also, I remember reading some of Rainbow’s lines first and thinking that Lyra was talking. It could have been made a bit clearer.

There’s another memory. I have to say Windell doesn’t really seem to act like a high schooler, but I know people do grow up fast in tough situations.

The next scene is pretty much everyone shipping everyone. Windell encourages Bon Bon’s crush on Lyra, then encourages Derpy, then the doctor gets ideas… I think it’s either these slice of life aspects or the alien perspectives that keeps me interested in the story.

And then the direwolf attacks, capitalizing on all those previous chapters of build up. Of course, we know the attack fails, and we’re not given much of a fight.

This time we have more slice of life-like interaction, with the CMC investigating, Smulm hypothesizing, some wolf-perspective, some cow hunting that almost went bad, then just got embarrassing and dragged out a bit too long, and then fish hunting.

Other than the cow embarrassment scene dragging on for a bit too long and the memory, the whole chapter was nice and calm.

This chapter starts with a review of human evolution. As someone who studied human evolution in an elective course in college, it all seems accurate enough.

That leads into failed spear fishing. After that, there’s the CMC assuming Windell’s a werewolf because of the similar bandages to his now pet wolf. Then Celestia explains the history of the griffin empire to Luna, explaining Hawk Eye’s scenario.

However, in the history of the griffin empire scene, the running gag: ‘lecture mode’, comes up again, but this time it just seems to be a bit diskish. Luna literally asked for griffonian history, so she should be expecting a lecture, and shouldn’t make fun of her sister for giving her one.

After that, and a funny scene of Windell fishing, Windell comes back to his house to find it destroyed by ponies yet again. The ponies are a little annoying in that they destroyed his house yet again, but Pinkie takes the cake there. Her logic still doesn’t really explain why she’s there, and definitely not how she found out what was going on. Her un-reasoning is similar to her non-explanation Castle Mania.

Here, there’s more flow practice. Then, there’s a confusing mention of ‘communism’, and it doesn’t really match anything in MLP history, so there’s no explanation behind the reactions to the word, and the whole joke kind of falls flat.

Aaand then Rainbow Dash crashes into Windell’s house again. Fuck that repetition, fuck it right in the face.

Skipping memory scene. You already know my feelings on these.

Then there's Hawk Eye organizing a, investigation team. And then, there’s some more interaction with Rainbow Dash, then the CMC…

Then Bon Bon comes back talking about her girl problems with Lyra. She sings orchestral metal, with the lyrics pasted into the story.

To be honest, the pastes lyrics aren’t that bad. I think a clause or two describing the scene between each stanza would’ve helped kept that as an actual scene and not just lyrics though.

After that, there’s an interesting scene about Windell teaching Cheerilee’s class cellular biology and DNA. I can’t help but wonder if that will have repercussions later, as the ponies might not even have a theory of evolution if they don’t think animals taking care of themselves is natural. I do hope it’s addressed later.

Lastly, there’s a scene with some bird aliens raiding a human space ship, and we find out that’s where the human skeleton came from. Honestly though, I feel we could’ve skipped over that scene a lot more quickly, as neither the humans or the aliens are characterized very much, and there’s not as much fantasy in their setting when that fantasy element was one of the main hooks for the story.

Now Windell kills all the bird creatures that the humans couldn’t kill by using a bunch of boulder traps and other forest traps. It almost feels a little insulting to the humans in the spaceship. And why were the aliens on a spaceship they were going to destroy things on anyway? That just seems suicidal. It is reminiscent of star trek though, so I’ll give this a pass, since most people haven’t studied how space stations and satellites are built.

I also thought he killed a griffin at first when it described the alien as a ‘bird creature’. It could have been a bit clearer there, even though it cleared things up later.

Then, there’s a scene of Shining Armor detecting a foreboding omen, or something. Then Windell kills the rest of the aliens. Then, Hawk Eye goes into how he assembled the hit team, and there’s some decent tactics. Then, more bird killing, another memory, and the wolf taking care of Windell. Then, Celestia and Luna sense a huge magical disturbance, and I’m not sure what it is. There’s good descriptions and characterization throughout all the scenes, as usual.

I’m also not sure why Windell left all of the alien’s weaponry. He literally just almost died, and his wolf saved him because he didn’t have to rely on him, so his logic of being safe because of his wolf or something doesn’t really make sense to me.

Also, what's Windell's cutie mark?

4264336 ok. Wow. Mind blown. You put an insane amount of time and detail in this review. Hopefully you didn’t accidentally burn yourself out in the process!

4264413

Not really. I'm exhausted, but I'm eager to move on to the next review. I'll probably make that one a little bit shorter though.

Oh yeah, since this is still my second review, do you think it's fair?

4264415 I think you give a fantastic job of detailing your issues and the things that should be fixed or expanded to improve his story. I really agree with your accident pron Rainbow Dash comment.

I have a scene in my next chapter were Rainbow Dash is taking a practice flight in a chainmail vest. I have her crash because she is not use to the extra weight. But I've been building up the accident in the previous two scenes were she is fitted with the vest and were she is flying around wearing it. I feel more authors forget clumsy Rainbow Dash only haplens in cannon when she is REALLY showing off

Speakong of that. In the next scene I also try to subvert the rainbow dash is retarded trope people also seem so addicted to. You know what I mean, right? Were everything more complicated than fly fast and kick hard is somehow too complex for her to figure out? I hate that, it’s like people forget her nearly photographic memory when put into the right mindset

4264437

Yeah, now that I think about it, it does seem like the only times she fell out of the sky was when she was practicing a tough trick. But even in those cases, she usually just lands on the grass.

As for the Rainbow Dash is retarded trope... well, in 'Testing, Testing, 1,2,3', she was able to memorize her surroundings after one fly through, and in 'Daring Don't', she was able to keep up with Twilight on an argument about a book. There's much more evidence pointing to her just not paying attention, or not being able to pay attention, than there is pointing to her being 'retarded'.

4264457 exactly! I plan to make details like that gradually come up in my series. I think you did a fantastic if insanely detailed breakdown for the lucky author, and im massively jealous Now go collect your sanity because the wolves are sure to start circling in hopes of stealing you away and forcing you to be their editor.

4264336 Thanks so much for the review. I admit, I have several problems (first fic, after all, but that's a sorry excuse), several of which seem to be problems, but are going to be important to the story later. I'm actually quite proud you haven't caught them yet, but it worries me that I might have been too subtle. As for the Rainbow crashing thing, I admit that's a pretty big problem. Thankfully, it isn't in the plan after that. As for Windell's cutie mark, I only described it once in Chapter 3, as an open book with a white quill overlapping it.

I thank you for the honest and very insightful review (I'm going to copy-paste what you wrote and keep it close) and I hope that my story got you interested enough to keep reading. If not, oh well, I only plan on improving, and what you wrote will go a long way to doing that.

And spoilers, just for you:
There will be others. And many adventures will be had.

4265987

Thanks! I love giving constructive feedback, and getting feedback on that feedback just makes me even happier!

I'm curious what these 'problems that are important later' are, but I can wait for the reveal. I'm definitely curious enough about how the story will turn out to follow it now.

Edit: Oh yeah, for the probability thing: I may be more sensitive to that than most. I was originally a physics major until I switched to CS, and now I'm probably going to minor in math. By now, I pretty much am math. So, if there's a pattern at all related to math, I'm probably going to find it. And I've noticed I find those things more than most readers. It may not be as bad as I make it seem, and it may not be noticeable to a lot of people. To me though, it's like looking at what was supposed to be a rainbow of paint splattered on a canvas as a sort of Jackson Pollock painting, yet seeing all the warm or cold colors missing.

I suppose you could look up real life stories about people in those situations, how they coped, etc. But I'm not sure how much that studying would improve your story for most people.

*Accurate description of how people are when waiting for their story to be reviewed*

4259591

4268280 you're not far off somedays.

4268339 Don't worry, I'll be back alive tomorrow. Just needed a week-end to recharge without having to worry about reviews.

4268605 hey, my two bits? Take an extra day and plot our doom for being ungreatful little shits.

4268845 1: If I take a leave of absence for another day, we'll be back over 80, and every time that happens my skin crawls.

2: I plot stuff in my sleep. Been there, done that.

4268856 damn. There goes my little plot to sell tshirts to the roudy masses yearning for your approval while also despising you for not loving thelir stories. I was thinking something like "Haphazard hasnt read my story yet, now life is nothing but pain!"

4268874 Don't worry. I fully intend to whittle numbers down as soon as tomorrow comes.

Soon, those t-shirts will say: HapHazred read my story, his review brought me nothing but pain.

4269319 three cheers for pain!