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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm bad at remembering everything, so I'm going to do a running comment as I read.
I used to work as a cashier at K-mart. I know that feeling. Pretty sure anyone who's worked retail does, though.
Main character is a blacksmith? In FoE? Hrm. This should be interesting.
I wish I could be this subtle about character and place introductions. Very nice.
Minor issue: you missed a line break after this sentence, so the next paragraph has no space between it and this one.
i.imgur.com/DNFO6AF.png
Oh, I think we know.
Okay, so this is before the Day of Sunshine and Rainbows. For me, this makes a blacksmith a little more hard to believe, but I'll roll with it.
Okay, I guess that helps. I had in my head the picture of an actual forge, but this... yeah. This I cna get behind.
I know it's in FoE canon, but ponies eating meat always felt wrong to me. Just personal preference.
Overall, a really nice Slice of Life intro. You have my attention, good sir/madame.
Busy day *nods*
This is a very good start to your story. Good character development, helping us to get inside the head of your character, their personality, outlook, likes and dislikes, Alloy's attitude to window shoppers etc. A blacksmith isn't your typical protagonist and I feel it's a refreshing idea, there are plenty of stories following bands adventurers and misfits as they travel across the wastes, but rarely do we get a story with a protagonist like a merchant. Merchants who in essence, keep the wasteland alive in the Fallout games and the Fallout: Equestria stories.
I haven't read further yet, but I imagine this story will probably take place in one location, with possible excursions to other locales. That's my initial impression of the story anyway. I like how you describe the protagonist efficient use of recycling metal of all types, the way Alloy barters with Grit over the gun and her own preference for melee weaponry. I like that idea about the market protecting itself, with each merchant carrying their own protection.
Overall a good first chapter, that flows very smoothly from one scene to the next.
Also on a more personal note, reading this first chapter got me thinking about my own story and made me realize how I could continue my own story. Helping me through this mental block I've had in regards to writing.
I was recommended to read this by some food. I think a piece of Tofu. I'll need to check back with the talking food dish, if he hasn't been eaten up yet.
It did feel like slice of life and I enjoyed it. Though if it weren't recommended to me I might have never clicked this, if I even saw it. Though, it's good stuff and I like the idea of this story about a blacksmith in the wasteland. You don't really have to many people making stuff. It's all, scavenge two hundred year old junk... Yeah... Kkat wasn't too good about some of the smaller details, but at the same time it was a crossover fic. So, this should fill in some of the gaps of the economy of the wasteland. I expect to see some nasty business men doing nasty things for money or well err, stuff. :P
I'm currently in college for welding, so the slice of life part of this chapter actually connected to me on an almost personal level. At some point I'll get a hammer and start learning how to blacksmith and forge stuff, but for now, just welding. Are you training to be a blacksmith or have you done any extensive research on the art? I would think at least the latter. Really great trade that most people don't think about now-a-days. Granted, I don't think we'll get into too much detail on the creation of things. What I'm looking forward to while she's forging is the emotion and satisfaction. And most importantly, the creation of stuff!
Alloy struck a good opening for me. I'm slow about reading stories, but this is on my top five stories to read this week. :)
Quaver Ava
Thanks to the power of Derpibooru's plot tag, I was reminded to resume reading this fic. YAY FIC! Now with 200% more massive plot in mental imagery.
Also, yay for artist-y type pons and marketplaces!
Good god, it's been so long since I've reviewed anything. It's going to take a while to shake all the rust off.
Anyway. Not much to say juuust yet. It's a prologue. It's short, but that's to be expected. You're easing into things nicely with a slice of Alloy's everyday life. It's a tried-and-true technique for getting the audience to learn their character, and I'm ashamed to say it took me 30 chapters worth of story to realize that myself.
I'm liking Alloy as a character already, honestly. Despite having only read through the prologue so far. She appears to have a very structured life, and as a creature of habit that in itself makes her very endearing to me. She has a remarkable passion for her work, and again that strikes a with me. Together with her aversion to social interaction, I feel this makes her a very relatable character... for a relatively introverted person who loves to tinker, anyway. Heh.
Apart from working at her forge, Alloy's interaction with Grit I felt was a pretty standout moment in the prologue. I really got a sense of her business ethic and principles when she refused to take Grit's extra caps. Of course, her shutting him down for trying to work his way into her good books did not go unnoticed. Another big part of what I liked about this scene were all the subtle actions you had the characters taking. The ear flickies and the tail swishies, the whinnying and nickering all added up to an interestingly rich piece of dialogue exchange. This is something I never remember to do much, but you've done a great job with it here.
I really only see one small flaw. Just one. The narrative occasionally jumps from present to past tense. It's nothing major, but it does stand out a little bit while I'm reading. Might be worth keeping a close eye on in the future.
I wanted to get more reading done tonight, but I'm having trouble staying awake. I'll make it up to you tomorrow, Ham. Promise.
Got myself a big glass of cocoa, gotten comfortable with my laptop and beanbag,... I guess that that would mean that it is time for REVIEW TIME!
Double space after each period, we meet again my arch nemesis! I do really not know why I hate them so much, but I sigh each time I see them. When you have been a pre-reader for about 3 years time (you will feel some of that down in my nitpicks) do they just scream wrongness, even if they are fine and dandy as I know. So a warning in advance, do not expect me to find many double spaces or other smaller mistakes like that in your text, because the period double space are throwing me off guard.
With that technical stuff out of the way, I do really really like how your prologue both manages to deliver exposition, description AND are in first person. I have seen too many writers that tried to pour their whole worldsetting down my throat via the first dozen paragraphs of their prologue, instead of taking it slow and steady, showing instead of telling as you do. I must admit thou that while you have two big thumps up from me for taking that route do I feel that it is taking a bit overhand at times. Things like Alloy being good at using a sword (Come on! All smiths are using big badass hammers! We do all love that trope for a reason!) could maybe have been delivered in a better way too us, that being one of the driest pieces of exposition in an else lovely tasting bowl of marsh gumbo.
Mister Doctor Ham, two thumps up from a Doom that want to taste the next dish, but sadly have run out of cocoa by now, so that must be another time.
I do know that I haven't really gone into details about so many things right now, but I want to work some of the rust out of the system, and see a bit more before I really begin to throw the big reviews around. Until next time.
Nitpick:
"Everypony manning one of these stores has a gun close at hoof. Disagreements tend to be short.” You have 3 spaces in front of this sentence.
"Nothing. Just,” I paused, thinking of the right word to use." Would it not have been a better choice to have used an ellipse after just instead of the comma?
"He levitated one of his 10 mm semi-automatic pistols onto the counter, and I broke out my tools immediately." I had to look this one up to be certain, but for some reason are there no space between 10 and the mm in 10mm pistols. Don't ask me why it is written that way, Fo and Wikipedia says so.
"Got a spare-” This sentence are lacking its start ", I have forgotten what they are called.
Hey, I said I was going to get started reading your story and here I am.
I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. People get caught up in writing FOE stories as extensions of the games, but the games don't always cover the vast possibilities of a world that a written story can tell. I am really happy to see a story about a wasteland blacksmith, because I feel like people treat making things as a lost art, which I can't see being the truth. Sometimes I have a hard time suspending my disbelief in the idea that guns that have been sitting around for 200 years can still have moving parts. There is an abandoned motor on a trail behind my house, that has been out there for like 10 years, and it is rusted into a solid block! So seeing people think outside of the games and knowing that blacksmithing is still a valid and necessary skill in post-apocalyptia.
Your character is fun, and manages to keep things interesting even when the scene has boiled down to the character and a sheet of metal. That is something I struggle in, so I might try to do a bit of learning from you.
The sales journal is a nice touch. I am looking forward to seeing this story progress. Even as a slice of life story, this prologue proves itself to be a premium cut. It has a nice pace, and the introduction and resolution of the problem of "I need a sign", it gave the chapter a feeling of accomplishment.
It is very clear that you are using the Fallout 3/New Vegas bartering system and not the prices from Fallout 1 and 2. Back in the old games, you would have to pay an arm and a leg for weapons and supplies in general. Stimpacks ranged from 350 to 1000 caps, and 10 mm pistols would be anywhere from 300 to 700. Rifles and shotguns could cost well over one thousand caps, with guns like the pancor jackhammer running up numbers like 3000-6000. I think they lowered things because they got the idea that somebody carrying that many caps was unbelievable. Although Fallout 2 uses ambiguous currency just labelled 'money' that uses the dollar sign and can be used in vending machines, but still look kinda like caps at least in their image. Anyway, this isn't me trying to say you did anything wrong, just that I felt like dropping some fun facts.
This was a fun story, and I look forward to reading more of it.
You had me at "Wasteland Economics".
Now I simply have to read it till the end, even if it took me a whole night!
It's been a long time since I've started reading another Fallout Equestria sidefic, but after hearing glowing recommendations in the FoE Podcast I decided to give this prologue a try. I don't have a lot of time on my hands, so it might be ages before I read the next chapter, but I'll try to at some point.
I liked this. The slice-of-life opening seems fresh and well-developed, and it'll be interesting to see where it leads. Loads of other people better at writing reviews than me seem to have reviewed this, so I don't really have anything to say that they haven't already said. You've got a good character here and I look forward to finding out where they go!
This is goddamn brilliant and I never thought of this before! I suppose its not all that supriseing seeing as im no writer( as much as I like to pretend )BUT just THINK of the IMPLICATIONS of this!
I can say with an ABSOLUTE CERTENTY that im going to thoroughly enjoy this crazy train no matter how far out of left field it takes me LONG LIVE THE MADNESS
Reading this introduction was such a pleasure. I only wish I started reading sooner.
"I'll take the moment now to state that Wasteland Economics takes place 10 years before the events of Fallout: Equestria." - Interesting, my idea might actually work...
Ah yes, "radigator" meat. Shipped from Arbu, right?
Very nice! Definitely a new and refreshing take on an FoE story. Can't seem to put this book down!
Thanks for hosting, storing, and sharing that picture, Photobucket.