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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Poor forge horsie!
And this 'un approves of (cajun) french speaking lizards!
Très formidable!
So I haven't commented in a while, and if I put if off again it's gonna end up being weeks before I get back to it, so this is for both this chapter and last.
This chapter was the one that cemented that things had been going far too well. Alloy finally had some time to have fun, to find a settlement, to try on a dress, even to see Grit having fun (I'm sure he would have loved to be able to ask her for a dance). Naturally it couldn't last. In the end, it comes back as a reminder that the only place that really accepts her is her little home and the forge she loves. Not the town around it, not the ponies there, not even the region she lives in, and certainly not her father.
It was a short chapter, and there were things there... but it does feel like a short chapter. It's set up the next one nicely, but the climax of the chapter, while it is a revalation (the finding of the airboat IS a key part of their expedition, though it remains to be seen if the radi-cajuns are going to help or hinder that in the end), it was a little... well, short. I can't honestly think of anything else that wouldn't have been filler - any combat would have attracted the gators earlier. So, in conclusion, I think it'll end up working... but for now it feels a little underwhelming.
That isn't to say there weren't interesting things there. I was definitely expecting a deal to be reached with Kyra for just her own services. That one threw me, a bit, I thought we'd see more of her (I still do, just not right now). I understand the mayor and his town's perspective, that seemed logical to me, if... unfortunate for poor Alloy. There were some feels there, especially with the bags getting kicked into her and continuing to hurt... that definitely got me a little.
I'd kinda expected as much from her past, but... that still hurts, to admit and to remember.
I'm liking the twist with the radigators, and am very interested to see where that goes. It's also kinda interesting to see a language I am at least passingly familiar with, I actually catch bits and pieces ("Little Blue", heh. I think I might keep that as a term of reference for her).
So yeah, that's pretty much that. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing how this pans out.
It's a short but dense chapter. Though I still think barter or vouchers should've been at least offered.
...Even if I get a silly scene in my head of the reaction to an offer of "services".
God damn, did I really let three weeks go by without replying to these comments? I'm so sorry about that!
5667849
Yea, funny thing I didn't even realize there was contention over double or single spaces after periods until well into my college years. Oh well. Force of habit by now.
Thank you for the kind words about my prologue, though, seriously. The expository bits went through at least 3 iterations before ending up where you see them now, so I'm glad the finished product holds up. I really tried to make the prologue into an almost slice-of-life-style introduction, and I'm overjoyed that it holds up in that regard, even if some of it is clunky.
Whoops! Fixed that now, thanks!
Now this one's actually a continuation of her dialogue. The entire line that she says to Grit is, “Looks like the recoil spring is wearing out. I’ll have to replace it, but it’s a quick swap. Got a spare-”
Maybe, but when I started I had this near-pathological aversion to using ellipses, probably since I've seen them abused so often. Which is as often as I comma-splice whenever I'm writing out internet posts like this.
In all seriousness though, maybe an ellipsis would have been better here, and I did eventually start using them myself.
Huh. That's the sorta thing that I'm sure I've seen before, but I hadn't actually noticed. I appreciate you pointing it out!
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You're too kind, really. And please don't discount what you've said in the IRC, your presence there has been a massive help in motivating me to get my ass in gear. Anyway, thank you so much for the support, Ink.
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And once again I am truly sorry for letting so much time pass by between replies! I'm trying to get more diligent about it! Still, I'm glad the story brought you back for chapter 1.
And once again I have to thank you so much for the kind words about my exposition. I'm constantly at war with myself about how much detail to include or not include, and I lost count of how many times my editors clipped me upside the head with "Show, don't Tell," but I probably wasn't able to get it all through. One day I probably will go back through the story and try to iron out those wrinkles, but I've promised myself that I wouldn't look backwards until the story was finished. I know it's easy to get caught in a trap of re-writing and re-writing and never updating the damn story, and it's a trap I want to avoid at all costs.
In regards to the paint... This might be something I actually go back in and change sooner rather than later. It was a total oversight on my part, and you're right--there's no reason for her to waste paint like that, and I really appreciate the alternative suggestion of using soot. I'll probably be changing the chapter to that shortly here. The peat topic is one that's been broached to me before, and it's honestly something I never thought of. I suppose when I first was planning the story, I latched onto coal because of its significance to the overall story of Fallout: Equestria, and never looked into alternative fuel sources. That's something I definitely want to look into addressing whenever I do go back, but since it's not an easy fix... I don't frankly know. I wish I had a better answer, but this was just a total failure of research on my part.
And speaking of failures in research, I had truly never heard of bog iron, and now I've done tons of reading on it. So I have you to thank for introducing me to the fascinating idea. I'm weighing around the idea of whether to incorporate it in the latter portion of the story now, though not in a significant role. I suppose I can fall back on the excuse of "Alloy would have no idea of the existence of bog iron," but frankly that smacks of a cop-out to me. I'm going to have to give this one some serious consideration. Thanks!
As for the various remarks on smexy time, believe me you're not the only one to have ideas like this, but I will say I don't plan on reaching into that bucket too often. It probably won't be completely ignored, but there's a reason I tagged the story as having Gore and not Sex.
Definitely doesn't sound great to me either. I think this was a product of trying to make sure I don't repeat the same phrasing over and over about magic. I think the "telekinetically" is throwing the sentence off (and it's missing a comma after "magic"). I think I could fix it simply by deleting that adverb.
Certainly wouldn't be the first friggin' time that FiMFic derped it. I do all my writing and editing in GDocs, then import, and I try to find all my formatting errors.
Yea, I agree, this one's a bit clunky too. I'll mull it over a bit and make some tweaks.
Hmm, I never would have noticed, but you're right. Easy enough fix that I don't mind making, so I've altered "part" to be plural. I like how that sounds better.
5680191
Pipistrelle gets all of the credit for the translations (which she tells me were a blast). I'm glad you liked their appearance.
5680381
Maybe, but Bourbon wasn't thinking completely clearly at the time. He has his own baggage about the situation, and he's got a temper on him, but he's not so brutally violent as to just up and kill Alloy and Grit. On top of that, he has faith in his guards to watch the town and keep them safe from raiders. He doesn't necessarily know they're working for anyone, but he assumes that they're engaging in slavery, and that's all he cares about. Definitely poor planning on his part, and probably a failure on my part to convey that from him, and I'm sorry that it sorta broke the immersion there.
Also I apologize for the length, too. There was a while there I was considering merging chapter 8 and 9, since each one had about three-quarters of a chapter in content. In the end, I thought two short chapters would be better.
5681628
Yeeeeaup, things had been going just a wee bit too smoothly for them, haven't they? I'll freely admit this chapter actually kinda hurt me to write, at least a little bit. I'm still glad you enjoyed the chapter, what little there was of it, but again I do apologize for the length. Like I said above, there was a lot of waffling as to whether I'd merge this with 9 or not.
Lots of setup, not much payoff, I understand that it's a bit hard to comment on. I just really, really hope I don't botch that.
We'll definitely see more of Kyra before everything is said and done. I don't mind putting that down in ink. She's got a lot more going on with her than we got to see in this tiny slice, and I don't know if we'll ever get a glimpse into what her perspective on Alloy's job was. Suffice it to say, she had her own reasons for declining.
I'm hoping to have Chapter 9 out before I move in mid-April, so hopefully you'll get to find out by then if all this nonsense was worth splitting into two chapters.
5682588
Hah, thing is the Talons have some strict rules about payment. You don't get to be the most reputable mercenary company in the Wasteland by letting ponies hand you IOUs. There's also what I said to Relentless above, where Kyra had her own reasons as well. Either way, thank you for the comment.
Update?
5761103
Soon I hope! I'm making a huge push to get the draft of Ch 9 finished, and hopefully have the draft live by the time I move in mid-April.
Sorry about the delaying and all.
5761190 Hey, I can wait for my favourite F:E fic to update! :P
5761836
Aww, shucks man. Thank you!
Man at the colloquial French. I want to thank you for that; it's been years since I saw it written down.
5887224
Hehe, I'm glad you enjoyed it. The translations are entirely thanks to Pipistrelle, and I'm really happy with how they turned out.
5955469
Thank you so much for your kind words!
You're definitely right that I wasn't trying to draw on any of the games directly (except for some nods here and there), and I attribute that to the fact that Alloy was originally a PnP character. As much as I love the Fallout and Wasteland games, they were a bit too grand-scale for what I wanted to do.
Which does bring me to (skipping ahead a bit) the pricing. You're right that part of my reason for using the 3/NV pricing ranges instead of 1 & 2 was because of the amount of caps you'd have to carry around, but part of it also was that I was just more familiar with how 3 and NV priced things. I spent a lot of time, especially in the early chapters, figuring out price baselines and how much something should cost, since most stories just gloss over exact numbers. So I went with the game whose pricing system I was more familiar with.
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the slice-of-life intro. I know making a sign isn't the most exciting and thrilling of introductions, but I really wanted to give a look into the character herself and what her life is.
I hope you keep on reading and I can keep entertaining! Chapter 9 is just around the corner now, and thank you again!
I just started reading this fic a few minutes ago, and I love it!
and since no one's said it yet concerning these sapient 'gators in these exact words, I shall now do so
"THEY'RE SPEAKING FANCY!!!"
As soon as they were run out of town my blood ran... I dunno if it was hot or cold but I became furious at Malice that put them in that mess in the first place and considered a suicide rush at her neck to be a fair option at this point. Alloy's life is ruined because of her. She finally finds a place to sell her jewelry and now this stupid misunderstanding happens.
It's like when I'm losing at Texas Hold-Em and I just want it to end instead of continuing to suffer. Just go all-in before the flop and let fate decide. Either way it will all be over soon.
...This is new.
5977782 This story is freaking awesome, my new favorite F:E story since the original. But I do have to say that for someone who doesn't know any French, I was really lost here. I used the tried and true "language" of "Just use google translate", and while not a complete failure (I kinda got the gist of what they were saying) it kinda through me off...
Didn't know what I was expecting.
Huh.
(Separating out this reply so you get a notice, because FiMFic is dumb like that)
6777296
First off, I'm extremely flattered by your kind words. I'm really glad you're enjoying the story as much as you are! But sadly, google translate would have been even less useful than usual here. The French that the Caimon are speaking has been translated by Pipistrelle, with the addition of Cajun slang and some abbreviations for accent, to create a bastard language.
The details of what they said aren't especially important to the story, but I'd be willing to provide the translations if you want them.
-blinks- radigators can TALK?!
Damn it Alloy! Why are you such a cunt? Poor Grit is trying his best to keep you alive and you can't even manage a few kind words. It's bad enough that you take advantage of his crush on you. I can't believe he would put of with this shit.
Bourbon’s a bit of a dumbass in this chapter. His actions clearly shout: The pony you’re looking for is in the town!
Not to mention that he claims to be only watching out for his people, but then he goes out of his way to harass two ponies from the wasteland that have no business with his town. Talk about the fastest way to bring death to a wasteland town if you believe someone is a threat.
What I find most off about his actions though is that he disapproves of Alloy trying to hire a Talon to find a pony and bring him back alive despite the fact that his town has hired the Talons to do things for the town in the past. Even if the town might have never put out a bounty on someone before, that’s more than a bit hypocritical of him. He even refers to Alloy and Grit as “Your Kind” once he finds the shackles and collar. As if he even knows what’s happening.
Pop quiz time everypony! If someone is hiring a mercenary to bring someone back alive and has shackles, a collar, etc. on their person to bring them in: What would you assume was happening?
A.) Someone’s throwing a Bondage Party!
B.) Someone’s hunting down a criminal.
or
C.) Someone’s a Slaver getting new slaves.
Here’s a hit. Commansence would rule out options A and C.
The only way Bourbon’s randomness in this chapter would make any sense is if the pony they were looking for is now a new member of the town. If so, then he just gave it away. If not, then he’s no better than what he believes is out there in the wasteland. Making his goal of keeping out “cruelty” a lie seeing as he’s not doing anything a cruel pony wouldn’t do in his place. Also, before anyone points this out, don’t say that a curl person would have killed them. That’s what an evil person would do. Cruelty does not equal death. If someone is dead then they can’t suffer the cruelty of others.
New day new REVIEW TIME! I gotta get back into gear with these things, and I have like hundreds of chapters waiting for me!
Seems to me that our main character needs to boost her bartering and speech next time she level up, or get some perk to help her out. While she is lovely talkative compared to a lot of other wastelanders does she not seem to be that lucky with her speech checks sadly... Ohh well, better luck next time!
French speaking rad gators Yea that was so unexpected that it got my first spoiler warning in a review ever... I can't say that I have ever seen anyone done that before, so I tip my hat to you! Always writing something new and interesting up for us to read.
Nitpicks:
" Grit ushered me towards one of the that were partially-intact;" Them
" and I could feel his eyes boring into me" I think it should have been drilled
"He wanted to help, I know." The later sentence is in present tense, if you shift them around and make it past tense is it fixed
8491195
B, you forgot the bomb collar, so B it is. You do not run around working the law with one of those, no matter how awesome it would be.
8691543
What bomb collar? The collar was never mentioned as being a bomb collar.