Ghost Mike's Ponyfic Review Monday Musings #32

I am literally in the door from getting back from UK PonyCon, and am still reeling from what a great experience it was again. Not perfect, but undeniably great. And I am not a heavy con goer (or really a con goer at all), nor do I like large crowds – but one as well managed and as cosy as this, once a year? Yeah, that’ll suit me. Three years since my last one was much too long. Least I can finally move past hesitating for last year’s one and regretting it ever since.

Wrestling with the loss of appetite bug coming back with a vengeance the day before departure certainly wasn’t pleasant, nor having to rely heavily on sugar sweets to get through the day, but outside of breakfast being a lethargic affair, it was more something to manage, rather than something that dominated. And honestly, an event like this, despite the work involved, was perhaps the best cure. The ponies do that, you know? They’re… they’re special.

Oh, and it’s always a great time of year for it, both in terms of weather, and coinciding with the anniversary of FiM, today in this case. Up to twelve years of pure magic, depending on the person, eh? The ponies just keep on giving, they do.

I will possibly (probably?) do some kind of con report/summary/highlights, but in the meantime, here’s a collection of Ponyfic that’s been ready to post for over a week, bar this intro. Sometimes it pays to be prepared. Who knew?

This Week’s Spectral Stories:
Turning Over a New (Clover)Leaf by SuperPinkBrony12
Not Alone in the Crowd by Doccular42
To Protect And Serve: A Sisterverse Tale by brokenimage321
"Trust them like you trust me." by Vinylshadow
Numbers by Pastel Pony

Weekly Word Count: 25,300 Words

Archive of Reviews

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Turning Over a New (Clover)Leaf by SuperPinkBrony12

Genre: Sad/Slice of Life
Phyllis, Sunny
2,346 Words
July 2022

Admitting you’re wrong even to yourself is never easy, let alone to others. In the wake of magic returning to ponykind, Phyllis finds herself facing having to do just that, given all she did to Sunny in the past. Yet the most concerning element turns out to not be that, but how easily accepting Sunny is of it all. Phyllis can’t help but wonder why.

Disclaimer: I probably shouldn’t be reviewing this story at all. I fear the fact of me having written my own take on Phyllis and Sunny talking things out right after the film may well have blinded me to evaluating this as objectively as I usually do for fics. I don’t think it did: I really do feel I’d have written the same below regardless, even if it was precisely because of my own fic that this one piqued my interest. I seriously debated not publishing this review, but figured, in the end, that this is something one will have to face as a reviewer, sidelining one’s own headcanon when appraising others’ fics. Best just go with it.

So! A make-up chat between these two characters can go many ways, though most of them would need more words than this. The path chosen here is Phyllis being overtly self-afraid of judgement, as though Sunny wields political power, and eventually approaching her in her ruined lighthouse. Words are exchanged about what happened, and Argyle; Sunny is instantly forgiving; Phyllis gets advice on how to personally carry herself going forward.

There are other issues with the fic, and things it does right too: a brief story told about Hitch and mentions of details at Argyle’s funeral leap out as satisfactory headcanons. But the one thing that absolutely cripples the fic, partly a writing style thing, is how distractingly artificial it all is. And I don’t just mean things happening purely to facilitate the plot, though Sunny in her broken lighthouse alone, while her friends are all in town, is certainly that (the fic has Phyllis think it’s to gather herself on her new form, and thinks that’s all that’s needed to hide the transparent setup). It’s more the flow: Sunny will respond to something Phyllis said and build upon stuff the former had only thought, not said. Both characters will say lots of stuff that you’d expect they would either keep private or at least be slower and more guarded about how they’d say it. Characters will refer to things the other doesn’t know, even if the audience does, and this isn’t commented upon. This prose clairvoyance, as it were, is all over the fic, and it reads less as trying to fit in too much into these few words, then instead as the author running with an idea while it’s hot without figuring out how to make it feel organic and natural. Now, this isn’t present for all of the fic; the early narration is mostly fine, though still suffering from a less assured characterisation of Phyllis to facilitate this plot. And actual new backstory elements work fine. But otherwise, the ghost () of the writer’s keyboard is felt all over this fic. Add in Phyllis knowing the term alicorn on her own and that this makes Sunny a princess (not even a thing in canon yet, actually). You get the picture. This is not the first time I’ve felt this reading one of SuperPinkBrony12’s stories - in fact, I’ve usually found everytime one grabs my attention enough to give it a look, this set of unignorable flaws puts me off looking at more, until one fic breaks that spell. Guess the trend continues. I don’t know if this is just a side effect of writing so many fics so quickly, but it’s a bizarre set of writing flaws to have for an author who’s been on the site for ten years; without context, you’d guess this was from a new writer.

Oddly, the most distracting thing is when characters act in ways that feel wrong just to facilitate the fic. I’ve already touched on Phyllis being far too timid and meek (there need to be some of the assured showpony there). Later, when Sunny is super forgiving of Phyllis, she cites Haven and Alphabittle’s sins as making hers small in comparison. Not remotely buyable given all those years alone in this town, no matter how the fic raises that point and has Sunny cite Twilight’s teachings and admit that she had little proof for her beliefs and could have demonstrated them better (which IS a good, valid, insightful point and character thought, but it’s hamstrung sharing space with this). Plus, Sunny would not condemn those other two that much, even without Phyllis as a comparison point. Never mind how sorrowful and regretful she sounded to Haven at admitting the trouble she’d caused in the film and ruining her facade, nor that she pins faults on Alphabittle that legit didn’t happen (and if they’re meant to be referring to other fics, well, that’s just immersion-breaking). There aren’t that many cases like this where a character's views just become that of the fic’s, but they’re there.

Oh, and the fic straight up has a scene break towards the end despite not changing time, place or viewpoint character thereafter. Yeah. Immersion-breaking, being polite.

All the above paints a fic I didn’t get any enjoyment out of. That’s not quite true; I already mentioned a solid opening, and the closing bit fares nearly as well. It always helps any fic to have its better parts as the first and lasting impressions. But the artificial flow, dialogue, fact of how little beyond the long description actually happens, and questionable characterisation makes it just skate on by. I have let my closeness to the subject matter of these two talking things out convince myself I’m being rather hard on this (even though none of my gripes are with the events therein, bar their artificial nature), so I’ve given it a slight rating bump, and also because I suspect the stylistic choices won’t bother most folk as much. But it really is that lightweight, plus mechanically obvious and hollow.

Rating: Passable

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Not Alone in the Crowd by Doccular42

Genre: Slice of Life
Spike, Fluttershy
1,821 Words
January 2016

Reread

A particularly loud party, with everypony in Ponyville present, makes Spike feel more alone than ever. He needs to get away. Thankfully, there’s somewhere in the library perfect for just that. But even there, he can’t escape how it makes him feel. Thankfully, he’s not alone.

Nothing so much as a soothing piece to coping with panic and anxiety attacks in the middle of crowds, two things boost this fic. One is how the prose presents Spike’s feelings on the matter. It’s not exemplary literary writing, but the combination of short barbed sentences at specific points sells his headspace well. The other is the bonding and rapport the fic develops between Spike and Fluttershy, the perfect choice for someone to console Spike over this. It’s a relationship hardly ever touched upon in the show (their moment in Sparkle’s Seven was a highlight there), and given they can both be quite timid and afraid, I always like seeing them bond over that.

It’s still a simple fic transparently designed to be comfort, and I’m not altogether sure I buy Spike being this anxiety-ridden, or Fluttershy’s somewhat-overconfident dialogue at times (it’s a Season 2 fic that feels more Season 4). But it goes down easy and leaves you feeling better, thus achieving exactly what it set out to do.

Rating: Pretty Good

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To Protect And Serve: A Sisterverse Tale by brokenimage321

Genre: Drama (Alternate Universe)
Rarity, OC, Night Light
16,968 Words
September 2020

Reread

(95% Standalone) Sequel to The Sisterverse Social

Radiance has finally achieved her dream job as a Canterlot Police Officer. However, when she bears witness to an act of brutality on her colleagues’ part, and finds that ideals cannot survive in a career like this, she must question whether this is the right place for her – and what, if anything, she should do with this info.

Misleading title, but the standalone part is true, with the long description telling all you need to know, that Rarity, named Radiance, grew up as a Sparkle sibling, with only a few trace references to these incarnations of the Mane 6 being friends otherwise. And it’s kind of appropriate, because this is quite a different tone of story than The Sisterverse Social. Different rating, mostly OCs bar Radiance herself, and shedding the unsubtle everything of teens there for the complex and nuanced matter of police brutality. All with a light touch, and the work never feels like it’s getting preachy or spoon-feeding you, especially in light of not out-and-out vilifying anypony, even if one side is clearly wrong.

Alongside all that, there’s some decent world-building and some very effective character work. Radiance isn’t quite Rarity still, not growing up around Shining Armor, yet isn’t so gritty as to not be recognisable either. The interiority of her thoughts in those moments we’re not directly privy to them, especially in the two chapters concerning talks with other characters that form the backbone of the issue here, is especially effective. And the story’s end result, I shan’t give away, but hits the right tonal and optimistic balance. Especially with some custom art.

However, this story is awfully slight, and I don’t mean that in the usual sense. If you wondered how it would fit into 17K, that’s because there’s a major structural boo-boo, in that there isn’t really a middle of the story, or at least, it’s compressed into outline form. We get reasonably settled with Radiance, have the situation laid out… and then boom, it’s over, and we get a wrap-up chapter (and also a separate epilogue for another character that, while appreciated, completely mucks up the pacing the way it plays out). None of this is story-killing, far from it, but it does mean that, despite its immense strengths otherwise, it feels rather undercooked.

Regardless, whether one had read the prior story or not, this is a good ’un, and the heavily truncated feel to much of it impedes less than you might think. Worth it for the nuance of the topic’s execution alone, honestly.

Rating: Pretty Good

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"Trust them like you trust me." by Vinylshadow

Genre: Slice of Life
Discord, Fluttershy, Spa Ponies, Rarity
1,818 Words
August 2022

Discord has observed Fluttershy and Rarity going off on weekly appointments for a while now. Curiosity may not kill the chaos, but he still finds he has to know. His questions only increase when he reaches a strange building with strange-accented ponies, and learns it involves seaweed. Whatever that is.

What sells this very simple tale of Discord’s feelings for Fluttershy compelling him to find what’s up, and expanding his boundaries and getting a spa treatment out of it, is the delivery. Vinylshadow favours introspective thoughts on Discord’s part that are restraining from being introspective, a weird cross between his chaotic self and how much he never normally thinks about anting that doesn’t amuse him. Yet it somehow works, and from the side note that he can’t read, or isn’t bothered to, to his perplexed reaction at the Spa Ponies not being bothered by him, to silent admissions that anything Fluttershy says is fine is fine, it all fits, and makes what is in incident a sweet bit of fluff a rather dry, wry amusing little thing too. It’s certainly economical in using its vignette-length plot and off-kilter character voice for Discord to impressive effect.

Quite a nice surprise then, this, all the more for the peace with which Discord is engaging boundary pushing he’d normally avoid. Well worth a look.

Rating: Pretty Good

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Numbers by Pastel Pony

Genre: Slice of Life
Other (Filthy Rich), Diamond Tiara, Cheerilee
2,347 Words
March 2014

Reread

Filthy Rich is good at many things, largely to do with statistics and financiers, though not exclusive to them. And he has always considered himself to be a good parent too. Yet when Cheerilee requests an unscheduled meeting with them, he has to confront the shocking truth that his daughter is not the perfect Angel she seems.

This short fic really doesn’t do much more than have Filthy Rich think the world of Diamond Tiara, then have him be unwilling to accept the truth even when provided hard evidence by Cheerilee. Little more than a vignette, really, and the knowledge of an incomplete follow-up doesn’t help matters.

That said, it’s a solid vignette, in a way that works in its favour; Filthy is a reasonable extension of himself, once you account for his blind spot for his daughter only having his one S2 appearance to go off of (and also a jossed explanation for Diamond Tiara’s mother). Cheerilee being at her wit’s end comes across well, and the ending note of him debating internally on what to do, and how he could have been wrong, contrasted with his normal approach to problems bringing down everything else in finances, leaves this better than you might think.

A simple diversion likely to be forgotten quickly beyond the base concept, then, but a pleasurable quick read all the same.

Rating: Decent

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Spooky Summary of Scores:
Excellent: 0
Really Good: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Decent: 1
Passable: 1
Weak: 0
Bad: 0

Comments

[PaulAsaran]

As fascinating as the very concept of "Police Officer Rarity" is to me, the number of issues you bring up for the story make it something I think I'd rather pass on. A shame.

[Vinylshadow]

Thanks kindly for your thoughts.

[Jarvy Jared]

This prose clairvoyance, as it were, is all over the fic, and it reads less as trying to fit in too much into these few words, then instead as the author running with an idea while it’s hot without figuring out how to make it feel organic and natural.

This point stuck out to me, despite me having not read the fic, mostly because it seems to suggest that the story's chosen perspective is suspect. Is the story written from a third-person omniscient which led to this sense of clairvoyance and artificiality? If so, does that lead to considerations on how that perspective form can either accentuate or eliminate tension, which, based on your review, the story ends up lacking?

[Ghost Mike]

5691437
You reckon? All I really cited was a rather quick structural middle transition (perhaps one I overplayed; it doesn't break the story by any means, just leaves it feeling a bit light), alongside an epilogue chapter with wonky timing. Honestly, based on some specific fics you've read and reviewed covering territory like this, and of which I've read reviews of, I think you'll like it plenty despite that – were you to read it, I'd be surprised if it didn't get a Pretty Good rating from you too, honestly.

[Ghost Mike]

5691445

Is the story written from a third-person omniscient which led to this sense of clairvoyance and artificiality?

I would say it kind of wobbles between being omniscient and not. Not to the degree of an actual switch, but certainly very inconsistent on which it's applying, and how much.

As for your other point of that perspective helping or not helping tension, well, it for sure can, though the sloppiness in this case doesn't facilitate that to any degree. It's an oversimplification, but I return to my point about running with a hot idea without working out how to make it natural and organic first.

[Pascoite]

Hey, I've read "To Protect and Serve"! I thought it was a pretty enjoyable read, though there were a couple of things holding it back for me. However, saying what they are for any given story has tended to bring the white knights out of the woodwork of late, so I'll just say that "pretty good" is also about where I'd put it.