Tales From the Trash Bin 20. Duke Nuk-M, For Mature.

A little M rated story I wanted to do, but lost interest in. A shame, too. I really liked the opening I did for it, and it could have been fun, but I was, and still am, really busy right now.

As usual, if you like it and want to take it, it's yours with a single PM.

Description: A certified hero of a bygone age looks back on his failures, watching the world move on without him. At the edge of his life, the once great duke of devastation, destruction, and some other adjective is taken to a world that desperately needs a hero.

Disclaimer.
Caribou verse, but fuck the stories that sexualize rape like it’s some fetish. Just blood, sweat, and tears. I’m not going to describe ponies being raped, I’m focusing on killing assholes and saving the world.



Chapter 1. The Only Partial Chapter.

The stale smell of old jizz clouded the air of a dark apartment in Hollywood. Hints of piss, beer, and depression seep from the moldy carpet, buried under mountains of discarded clothes and pizza boxes. The wallpaper, aa once nice shade of white, was stained in blood, vomit, and shit, both literal and figurative.

Pressing a can of beer to his lips, the fat slob responsible for the room chugs what he once called liquid courage. It was more of a distraction these days to chase off the haunting memories.

The banging at his door went ignored as he sunk deeper into his semen stained couch.

“Duke! Duke! Where’s my fucking money!” His landlord demanded. “I swear to fuck, I’ll take you to court, you asshole! Captain Recycle and those other fucks only bought your fucking E for a grand, ya prick! You said I’d get millions!”

Duke Nuk-M, as he was legally named after losing the E for his last name in a game of strip poker, just tossed away his beer as the landlord continued to pound on his door. It clattered to the floor, knocking over a pile of garbage and memorabilia from his glory days.

“You sure haven’t lost your touch,” he grumbled, recalling one of the first lines in the game that would bring about his downfall. After saving the world from a mad scientist and an alien invasion, he made an autobiography that turned into a video game. A shit game.

It took what little credibility he had after over a decade of inaction and shat all over it. He lost a lot that year, and kept losing more and more as the years passed by. His six-pack, gone. Hookers, no-where in sight. His millions, all of it went down the drain on booze and drugs. Fuck, he even lost his own name. After fighting off some yellow skinned rock monster thing for the right to go from Nukum to Nukem, he lost it to a broad in a Doom-Guy bikini.

Another can of beer helped make those memories go away as the landlord finally gave up and left. He stared at his eyelids, looking into an abyss of darkness that mirrored his soul. Fuck, he got weirdly poetic when he was wasted.

Eventually, the fat bastard had to answer the call of nature and rolled off of his couch, crushing several hard socks under his bare feet. He felt a little bit of shame creep into his mind, but it wasn’t as unbearable thanks to the beer.

After about a minute or so of stumbling on his drunken ass to reach his porcelain throne, the greasy S.O.B plopped his fat ass on the toilet to do God’s work. His eyelids grew heavy as an unfamiliar smell tickled his nose.

His signature sunglasses, the only thing left of his old life, clattered to the floor as he slipped away into the void. He felt at ease, almost grimly calm.

If this were death, then it was the best kind he could have asked for. Heaven, Hell, New-Jersey, any of those places would have been filled with reminders of his life, taunting him with a past that he just wanted to forget. But in oblivion, in a place where he could only see darkness, it felt peaceful.

For the first time in… Fuck, months, years? Yeah, for the first time in three years, he wore a genuine smile on his face. It was the peace he never knew he craved, something to comfort him like a mother’s breast.

Drifting aimlessly in limbo, Duke felt his spirits rise again, only to be suddenly gripped by panic as he was violently torn out of the darkness by a rainbow on acid.

Tendrils of color bound his limbs, pulling him into a wall of color that dragged him away from his peaceful reprieve.

“No! No, fuck, fuck! Let me have this! Just let me fucking die!” He begged.

The cosmic horror from a little girl’s nightmare refused to listen, pulling him into a sea of glitter and rainbow sludge. Tentacles forced their way into his mouth, crawling aside of him as entrails began to burn. He barely noticed the feeling of his skin being frozen. Flesh peeled away and regrew as he screamed into the rainbow ether.

The colorful nightmare ended abruptly as Duke suddenly woke up in a desolate forest, screaming into the wind as suddenly sat up.

His ragged breath hastily filled his lungs as his heart drummed inside his ears. Looking around, Duke stared at the tall boulders that encircled him, searching for anything that he could make sense of as he hastily got to his feet.

A hand flew to his chest to feel his heart rate, leading him to the next revelation as he looked at his body. The fat that had built up after years of wallowing had completely vanished, and he stared at a familiar figure that went to the wayside with an unlimited supply of booze ad pizza.

His six pack, red wife-beater, black fingerless gloves, even the radioactive belt buckle that he lost in Vegas, everything was back. A hand watered to his side, hesitantly hovering over his holster until he bit the bullet and gripped it. To his amazement, his golden pistol was back at his side.

There was a tense joy inside of him, hesitant to fully embrace his happiness for fear of losing it again. He looked around, searching for the cosmic colorful horror that tore through the thin walls of oblivion.

Only the night sky, a beautiful reminder of what he almost had, hung above him completely, free of any bright colors or galactic abominations. Bringing his gaze back to the world around him, Duke wandered outside the circle of stone pillars as he took out his gun, feeling his fingers wrap around the nostalgic weapon.

He couldn’t help but smile as his hand caressed the barrel. His pride and joy, one of first and most iconic guns was finally back in his hand. Some people would have said he cried as he looked at the golden pistol. Those people would be punched in the face and told it was liquid pride, because Duke ‘Fucks your mother” Nuk-M does not cry.

Walking away from the knock-off stone henge, Duke followed a dirt path deeper into the forest as he wondered why he was… Well, happy again.

He rarely questioned things back home. The CIA asks him to stop a mad scientist? Sure, fucker messed with his cable anyway. The government needs him to stop an alien invasion? Give him a week and those bastards wouldn’t know what hit them.

He kicked ass first and only asked questions when he needed to know where to shoot and what he needed to shoot with. But, he couldn’t help but wonder why he was in a strange forest with his old body.

It could have easily just been a strange fever-dream that was reminiscent of his glory days. Albeit more colorful and weird considering that some of the trees had cartoonishly creepy faces. Time travel was another possibility, which he would have definitely taken full advantage of if it was. Though, it didn’t matter if everything around him was real or if it was just a dream, he was going to enjoy himself at least for a little bit.

Taking a deep breath of the crisp night air, Duke released a content sigh as he stared up at the stars, idly wondering about the aliens that he drove away from Earth years ago, and the ambassadors he pissed off with his game. Peace with an alien race was pretty hard when you made a game that depicted them as rapist kidnappers that wanted Earth women to be incubators. Didn’t help that he also confused the game for reality when he got piss drunk and punched a diplomat in the face.

That thought made him wish for a beer, something to chase away the memories as he strode through the strange forest. While the universe wasn’t willing to help his addiction to the liquor lady (fuck all the other slang for beer), it was more than willing to provide him with a more euphoric distraction.

Wandering through the thick foliage that suddenly blocked his path, Duke heard movement up ahead. Not one to hesitate when diving head first into action, Duke strode out into the open field that laid beyond the comically sized bushes and saw, what he could only imagine were, baby deer in armor.

“What the fuck?”

Their grotesquely large eyes all fell on the bewildered man, some drawing blades from their sheets with their mouths while others drew bows with their hooves.

Santa’s reindeer were apparently going through a medieval goth phase. Either that, or Duke was in a Disney movie, apparently, and not one of those crappy cgi ones that pretends to be live action either.

Before Duke could eve think of something witty to say to commemorate the moment, an arrow buried itself into his shoulder and pierced the bone underneath. It hurt for only a moment before he tore the medieval twig from his shoulder and slowly turned his head back to the asshole that shot him.

He had a pistol and there were apparently fuck-ton of heads that needed bullets in them. Didn’t take a nerd to do the math.

Smiling like a boy on Christmas, Duke buried the first of many bullets into one of their heads, tearing through the dumb animal’s skull as it fell to the ground like every other corpse he ever made.

“Today’s a good day to die. But not for any of you,” he quipped.

Several other arrows flew at him, some hitting his arms or chest while the other’s sailed past him. He pushed past the minor pain and dove into the crowd of caribou. A swift punch to the neck knocked the first little fucker down before he backhanded the next inevitable corpse. Grabbing another one by the antlers, he threw the fucker down on one of his friends, impaling him on the other’s horns as Duke let loose a few rounds into the second creature’s corpse.

Throwing away the garbage, Duke continued to unleash absolute carnage by holstering his gun and bashing two of their skulls together with his full strength.

Whatever damage Duke took began to heal as his smile grew, letting the arrow heads pop out of his tendons as he went to town on the colorful little shits. The nerds at area 51 had explained his healing factor once to him, though he didn’t listen to the doctor as she explained it.

“Blah, blah, feel good about yourself, chemical reaction, shrug off bullets like a fucking boss,” were the important bits. Everything else was boring and pointless.

After emptying a full clip into a few of them, he reloaded his pistol and unloaded another round in one of their heads.

One of the Caribou, being smarter than the pile of corpses that already littered the floor, tore the pistol out of Duke’s hand with some weird magic fuckery that made his horns glow red.

Unperturbed by their magic, Duke simply shrugged as he caved in one of their skulls with his bare fist.

“I don’t need a pistol when I have these guns,” Duke quipped, upper cutting one of the four-foot freaks as he flexed his arms. “Rip and tear, asshole.”

Using the limp bodies as shields, Duke blocked several arrows and energy blasts before tossing their fallen friends at them. Time seemed to slow down for Duke Nuk-M as he plowed through them like a train, honing in on the little asshole that had dared to touch his golden baby.

….
“He’s the legend. The Duke of Nukes,” Princess Luna revealed.

….
“Canterlot may have been the capital of Equestria, but the ponies here are the ones who make it our home.”

….
“You’re uh… You’re sure you’ve got the right guy?” Duke asked, feeling somewhat skeptical about the “prophecy”. Sure, he did fit the mold, but he was also… him.

The last time he tried to save the world, he nearly blew it up with an inter-planetary incident between two world leaders.

…
“I kick ass, I don’t give speeches.”

….
“Didn’t your mama ever teach you to not be a piece of shit?”

….
“The Caribou aren’t capable of flight, so we gathered every unicorn and earth pony and expanded Las Pegasus and Cloudsdale. All of my earth-bound subjects are in a building that’s enchanted to hold everypony, instead of individually enchanting every single one,” Princess Celestia explained. “We need to constantly recharge the cloud walking spell on the buildings. We used to have one spell per pony, but recharging each spell individually took up too much time, and… And we lost too many ponies because we weren’t quick enough to recharge the spell. “

….
“Okay, you can do this, Duke. You’re here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. Kick ass and chew bubble gum. Kick ass, bubblegum. Okay!” He said to himself, catching a wave of confidence before he strutted past the curtain and into the room.

Any sense of confidence vanished as soon as he saw the crowd of desperate eyes

…

“H-hey there, I’m… I’m here to uh,” he stuttered, clearing his throat with an awkward cough as he tried to address the crowd. “To… To kick ass and uh… And chew bubble… Um…”

…
“I was just a guy who was pissed off at some jackass for interrupting my soap opera. Then I was hired to do more, and nobody liked the silent hero, so I started cracking one liners and jokes! Then I saved the world, got a book deal, and… And everything just got fucked after that. After my flop of a game it was just one failure after the other.

…
“… You really should have been hit more as a child,” the Duke said, bringing the butt of his pistol down on the little shit’s muzzle.
.....

And that's all she wrote. It would have been a story of Duke reclaiming his confidence and saving a world of little ponies. Not the manliest of ways to become a badass hero, but still a hero regardless.

Good and evil, right and wrong, heads or tails. While many people believe in grays and in-betweens, one criminal only sees the world in black and white. Torn from Gotham and sharing a body with someone pretending to be Harvey, Two-Face forges forward to see what the techno-colored world of Equestria has to offer. Tales From the Trash Bin 3. (Two-Face)

The Dazzlings daring plan to conquer the continent with a concert of chaos isn’t stopped by a band of heroes, but by a corrupt conductor. Can the Dazzlings out preform the sinning singer, or will they join his concerto of crime? Tales From the Trash Bin 5. (Music Meister)

After finally graduating from high school, a twenty year old man is reborn as a high school student in a cartoon. What’s worse, is that he’s become debatably the worst character in it. No, not the villain, not even some random background character. He’s Flash Waifu-Stealing Sentry, and he really hates… Everything at the moment. Watch as Flash Sentry is forced to relieve the nightmare that is high-school while attempting to use what little knowledge of the show he has to his advantage. Tales From the Trash Bin 6. (Flash Sentry)

When you’ve been abandoned by everyone you love, is it wrong to lie to someone so that you can find some small sense of compassion? Sunset Shimmer’s life had taken a turn for the worse. Abandoned by her friends, she finds comfort in a misunderstanding and becomes friends with a group of rather strange humans. Tales From the Trash Bin 7. (My Street)

An Iron Golem’s one job in life is to fight evil and protect their village. Only death can stop these titans from pursuing their objective. Nothing, not even being teleported to a village full of only colorful horses in another dimension, will stop these sentinels from protecting everyone from the forces of evil. Tales From the Trash Bin 8. (Iron Golem)

The tragic end of Anon-A-Miss leads to the ominous beginning of a new threat, Onymous. Will the students of Canterlot High find the perpetrator, or will Sunset be trapped in their claws? Tales From the Trash Bin 9. (Anon-A-Miss)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life decides to screw you over time and time again, add a splash of vodka to your lemonade to feel better. And when life decides it’s not content letting you wallow in self pity, go to a bar and meet a strangely sympathetic centaur. Tirek may not give you a shoulder to cry on, but he will give you something to wash your woes away. If you're lucky, or if you’re considerably unlucky, then he might even offer a piece of advice as well. Just don't expect it to be free of charge. Tales From the Trash Bin 10. (Tirek)

There’s a mysterious pony with an equally strange life. The mare of mystery, the walking questionable copyright infringement, the hero of all Equestria Mare Do-Well Mystery Mare (For copyright reasons) debuts with a worrying case of amnesia on her mind and a heart thirsting for justice! Tales From the Trash Bin 11. (Mare Do-Well)

Zephyr Breeze liked to consider himself as a normal person. However, after getting amnesia, Zephyr learns about his disturbing hidden shrine to his next-door neighbor and begins to question what kind of sick creep he was. Tales From the Trash Bin 12. (Zephyr Breeze)

Good and evil are not always black and white, despite what one “evil” simian has to say about it. After being defeated once again by a trio of trifling heroes, Mojo-Jojo attempts to return to his evil mountain lair and sulk. However, by some twisted sense of fate, the depressed villain is flung into another world where he crashes into a grey town full of downtrodden ponies. With renewed vigor, Mojo-Jojo plots to conquer the alien planet and return to his own world with an army standing at his side! Will the evil simian be recognized for the evil mastermind he is, or will his villainous plots reveal something else to him? Tales From the Trash Bin 13. (Mojo-Jojo)

A certain villain tries to replace Princess Celestia with a robot. Luna can’t tell which of the two is her sister. Tales From the Trash Bin 15. (Sir Ratagin)

Local Human is trapped in Equestria, and is annoyed that the only close cure to her boredom is reading books. After lamenting to Rainbow Dash, the coolest pony she knows, Rainbow Dash invites her to do something “really cool”. She would have said no if she knew it was cloud watching. Tales From the Trash Bin 14. (Erebus)

Human arrives in Equestria as Berry Punch. Unoriginal hijinks ensue. Tales From the Trash Bin 16. (Berry Punch)

A man arrives in Equestria as Thor, the God of Thunder… Except everyone aside from him can lift the hammer because he’s unworthy. Tales From the Trash Bin 17. (Thor)

A second person story following Kite Man’s adventures with a little communist pony that really likes kites. Tales From the Trash Bin 18. (Kite-Man)

Flim and Flam have Starswirl's Time Tiller, and end up meeting a few bad creatures throughout history. What could possibly go wrong for the villainous siblings? Tales From the Trash Bin 19. (Flim and Flam)

(Displaced Stories)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 1)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 2)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Scott Howl)
The First Tales From the trash Bin. (Pearl)