Tales From the Trash Bin 17. Lightning Doesn't Strike.

Hello everyone, I'm sure a few of you are surprised to see these again. For those of you new to my page or who haven't glanced at any of my blogs before, I used to put trashed stories up on my blog and have them placed for adoption if anyone felt like taking an idea I had and running wild with it. Only two stories have been adopted so far and I absolutely love both of them. So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this pile of trash. If you want this or any other story I've put up for adoption, PM me and they it could be yours. Anywho, enjoy this basic idea I had and scrapped.

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Thor, Manager of Thunder.

Short Description: I was displaced as Thor, the God of Thunder in the magical world of ponies… Fuck this place.

Long Description: Hi there, I'm Thor, owner of the magical hammer, mjolnir. Whosoever holds this hammer, if they pay 200 bits per hour, shall possess possess the power of Thor! That's right, with my rental hammer you can impress your friends, prank some pegasi, and summon the power of thunder to fix your home. And no, the CMC is not allowed to hold it anymore. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

Chapter One: Caribou Fanfics are dumb.

What is the measure of a hero? Is it their actions that define them as heroes, the ideals they hold above their own life, or the restless desire to protect others from the forces of evil?

That question wasn’t rhetorical, by the way. Seriously, what the hell defines a hero?! I’ve been banging my head against a wall for over a year now trying to figure out what makes someone a hero and I’ve got nothing!

I donated a shit load of money to charity, donated my own blood, gave my time to the elderly, fuck, I’ve nearly broken my leg kicking trees to give Applejack and her family free labor. I’ve given my blood, sweat, and tears to this magical pony land and for what?!

I—

A knock at my office door stopped my rant as I closed my journal. Sighing in annoyance, I got up form my far too small chair and walked over to the door in a few long strides.

On the other side of my door’s threshold sat a white unicorn with a blue mane, wearing armor forged by the spirits of nature as he held a hammer in his right hoof. I had long given up wondering how these little equines could hold anything, I had also given up wondering how these fuzzy little bastards could hold the magical hammer that brought me to Equestria.

“Morning Shining. You’re all done?” I asked as I stepped aside to let the unicorn prince trot inside.

“Yeah, turns out the caribou just needed to see a single lighting bold and they, heh, bolted right out of there. Thanks a lot by the way, Thor,” Shining Armor joked as he placed the hammer down on my coffee table. It only sat there for a few seconds before it shot off and tore through my wall.

While the prince jumped at the sudden departure of my hammer, I simply walked over to my desk and glanced inside my schedule book.

“Ah, right. Pinkie Pie is having a birthday party for the twins,” I muttered, nursing the cold can of beer in my hands as the wall started to mend itself. The princesses were kind enough to gift me a house with several dozen repair spells after it… Well, ‘collapsed’ would be too simple of a word.

“So, Pinkie’s borrowing the hammer today?” Shining asked.

“… Cake is,” I corrected.

“Mrs. Cake?”

“No, Pound Cake, her son.”

“… Isn’t he like… six?” The prince asked as I fell into my chair and stared at the ceiling.

“Seven, actually.”

My rather blunt and, somewhat, bitter answer seemed to strike the stallion for a moment as we both allowed the silence of my house to swallow us whole. I reached down under my desk to fiddle around inside the mini-fridge under it and cracked open a can of beer.

“Do you want one?” I offered as I held a can towards Shining Armor.

“It’s pretty early for a beer, isn’t it?”

“Nope. Now, do you want one or not?”

“I think I’ll pass,” Shining answered, to which I shrugged as I downed the whole can in one go. A long time ago, I’d choke on trying to chug a whole can of cold beer out of the blue, but Asgardian bodies are a bit more durable than a normal human body. Even if I wasn’t really “Thor” I still had his constitution, strength, good hair, dick size. You know what I didn’t have. The fucking hammer!

If you’re wondering what this drunk idiot is rambling about, let me introduce myself. I’m Cannon, because yes, my parents decided that was actually a good name for their child. Totally not bitter about that, by the way. That doesn’t matter though since most ponies know me as Thor, anyway. I went to comic-con dressed up as the God of Thunder, bought a new hammer after someone’s mangey dog tore mine apart like a chew toy, and woke up in a magical land of ponies.

I got isekai’d halfway across the multiverse and was pretty fucking terrified at first. A few days after wandering through the Everfree Forest, I found Ponyville and realized I was as strong as an Ox, (Big Mac apologized later for trying to buck me to the moon.) and I didn’t realize that my hammer came with me until a zebra named Zecorra trotted out of the Everfree with it some time later. She could lift it, Twilight could lift it, that little shit-stain Spike could lift the hammer. Guess who couldn’t, go on, I’ll give you two guesses and the first one doesn’t count.

Me. I couldn’t. Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, the shiest and most timid mare on Equus, lifted the damned thing like it was a paperweight, each one donning a set of armor that was brought with a sudden bolt of lightning. I threw my damn back out trying to lift that thing and it wouldn’t budge for even an inch.

Essentially, nearly every pony and their dog in Equestria was considered ‘worthy’ and I wasn’t. Of course, these little cute shmucks were too nice to just take my hammer and call it theirs, so while I “own” it they rent it whenever they need an extra little bit of muscle or want demonstrate magic to other creatures. I make money sitting on my ass while everyone gets to live out their power fantasy and be all powerful beings of thunder.

Fuck them. Fuck them for getting to enjoy my hammer. Fuck them for taking pity on me and brining it back when they’re done, and fuck them just in general.

Shining, whose armor had melted away when he placed the hammer down, levitated a generous amount of bits out of his saddle bags and left it on my table. “Soooo… What are you going to do today?”

“Well, Pinkie and the Cakes rented out my hammer for most of this morning, and Twilight will probably pick it up from them since she scheduled the rest of the day, so I’m just going to relax.”

“Oh, well if you’re not doing anything then—“

“I’ll pass,” I interrupted, pulling out another can and cracking it with with my thumb… Why the fuck do ponies have cans if their hooves can’t grasp the little metal bit?

“Thor, how many times have you left your house this week?”

“I went to get groceries yesterday.”

“And before that?”
...

And that's as far as I got. Usually I at least like to finish half a chapter before I show you guys my garbage. It was going to be an anthology series of ponies grabbing the hammer and doing fun and oddly heartwarming things. Luna would have seen it as a sign that she wasn't the monster she still thought she was, Tempest would have seen the errors of her ways and fought the Storm King, and of course the CMC would try to get a cutie mark with it. Also Scootaloo would be able to feel what it's like to really fly and it would have been sweet. This was kind of an idea for a parody fic lampooning Displaced stories where "X goes to Equestria and is Super OP because they spent $20 and now they're banging Best Princesses 1-3 in an orgy." Just a reminder, if you like this idea and feel like a rental mjlonir is a fun idea, PM me and it could be yours. Also, consider checking out a few other ideas that were kicking around in my head.

Good and evil, right and wrong, heads or tails. While many people believe in grays and in-betweens, one criminal only sees the world in black and white. Torn from Gotham and sharing a body with someone pretending to be Harvey, Two-Face forges forward to see what the techno-colored world of Equestria has to offer. Tales From the Trash Bin 3. (Two-Face)

The Dazzlings daring plan to conquer the continent with a concert of chaos isn’t stopped by a band of heroes, but by a corrupt conductor. Can the Dazzlings out preform the sinning singer, or will they join his concerto of crime? Tales From the Trash Bin 5. (Music Meister)

After finally graduating from high school, a twenty year old man is reborn as a high school student in a cartoon. What’s worse, is that he’s become debatably the worst character in it. No, not the villain, not even some random background character. He’s Flash Waifu-Stealing Sentry, and he really hates… Everything at the moment. Watch as Flash Sentry is forced to relieve the nightmare that is high-school while attempting to use what little knowledge of the show he has to his advantage. Tales From the Trash Bin 6. (Flash Sentry)

When you’ve been abandoned by everyone you love, is it wrong to lie to someone so that you can find some small sense of compassion? Sunset Shimmer’s life had taken a turn for the worse. Abandoned by her friends, she finds comfort in a misunderstanding and becomes friends with a group of rather strange humans. Tales From the Trash Bin 7. (My Street)

An Iron Golem’s one job in life is to fight evil and protect their village. Only death can stop these titans from pursuing their objective. Nothing, not even being teleported to a village full of only colorful horses in another dimension, will stop these sentinels from protecting everyone from the forces of evil. Tales From the Trash Bin 8. (Iron Golem)

The tragic end of Anon-A-Miss leads to the ominous beginning of a new threat, Onymous. Will the students of Canterlot High find the perpetrator, or will Sunset be trapped in their claws? Tales From the Trash Bin 9. (Anon-A-Miss)

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life decides to screw you over time and time again, add a splash of vodka to your lemonade to feel better. And when life decides it’s not content letting you wallow in self pity, go to a bar and meet a strangely sympathetic centaur. Tirek may not give you a shoulder to cry on, but he will give you something to wash your woes away. If you're lucky, or if you’re considerably unlucky, then he might even offer a piece of advice as well. Just don't expect it to be free of charge. Tales From the Trash Bin 10. (Tirek)

There’s a mysterious pony with an equally strange life. The mare of mystery, the walking questionable copyright infringement, the hero of all Equestria Mare Do-Well Mystery Mare (For copyright reasons) debuts with a worrying case of amnesia on her mind and a heart thirsting for justice! Tales From the Trash Bin 11. (Mare Do-Well)

Zephyr Breeze liked to consider himself as a normal person. However, after getting amnesia, Zephyr learns about his disturbing hidden shrine to his next-door neighbor and begins to question what kind of sick creep he was. Tales From the Trash Bin 12. (Zephyr Breeze)

Good and evil are not always black and white, despite what one “evil” simian has to say about it. After being defeated once again by a trio of trifling heroes, Mojo-Jojo attempts to return to his evil mountain lair and sulk. However, by some twisted sense of fate, the depressed villain is flung into another world where he crashes into a grey town full of downtrodden ponies. With renewed vigor, Mojo-Jojo plots to conquer the alien planet and return to his own world with an army standing at his side! Will the evil simian be recognized for the evil mastermind he is, or will his villainous plots reveal something else to him? Tales From the Trash Bin 13. (Mojo-Jojo)

Local Human is trapped in Equestria, and is annoyed that the only close cure to her boredom is reading books. After lamenting to Rainbow Dash, the coolest pony she knows, Rainbow Dash invites her to do something “really cool”. She would have said no if she knew it was cloud watching. Tales From the Trash Bin 14. (Erebus)

(Displaced Stories)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 1)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Dani Phantom. Pt. 2)
Tales From the Trash Bin. (Scott Howl)
The First Tales From the trash Bin. (Pearl)